Writing as therapy: Fear and judgement

I have writer's block. Again. This block is a big one with the label "FEAR" etched across it. And so I find myself again blogging about my fear of blogging.

Makes for boring reading, no?

It's not like I don't have anything to say. I've got a list of blog titles and even folders of photos to accompany some of them, but actually sitting here and writing it up seems like such a chore.

I don't think I'm consciously worried about stats. In fact my unique monthly hits are higher than they ever have been, despite my slow blogging. And I'm pretty sure there's not too many of you (if any) out there hanging out for my next post. But I still feel that I should  be getting my words out ("Use your words, Vanessa"). For me. For my son. Maybe. I don't know why.

I'm going through a really blah period of my life. I have no real passion for anything. Of course, my five year old is everything to me, and my love and excitement for Noo will never cease. But the rest of life? Blah.

Boredom makes me hyper-aware of all that ails me - my knee which needs surgery later this year, my coccyx which is arthritic and worn thanks to that fateful night way back in 2007, constant constipation thanks to psych medication that I just can't survive without, headaches, anxiety about money, weight woes, loneliness...

Truth be told, I probably have too much time on my hands. I know what I want/need to do but as always fear holds me back.

Once again I fear the possible repercussions of my writing. Someone dear to me (who shall remain nameless) said by putting our (and by "our" I mean bloggers, Twitterers, Facebookers, celebrities, anyone on social media or in the public eye) life online we open ourselves up and invite criticism and judgement. That basically if you get bullied for what you've disclosed online, you kind of deserve it, because if you didn't expose yourself to the world you wouldn't have gotten bullied in the first place.

Personally, I call bullshit. Because it's kind of the same as saying if I didn't go out on Friday 17 April 2007 and get drunk, then I wouldn't have been raped. This theory places the responsibility and blame for the crime on me, the victim, rather than on he/she  the rapist/bully.

I have never been trolled online which I'm so grateful for. I've read what some people say about some bloggers and it fills me with dread that anyone could possibly dissect my life like that. But I don't think those trolls or forums which facilitate them should be banned. I regard freedom of speech as one of the most important values in our society. Banning such sites would do more harm than good as a whole. But, what I don't understand, is how anyone could even think of those things to say about people, let alone publish them publicly in order to ridicule them.

A lot of what I've published here has taken a huge amount of courage and a massive chunk of my heart and soul has gone into putting the words together. I told the story about my past problems with drugs and alcohol, about being raped, about my endless struggles with mental illness because I want to help people. I want others who may be in a similar situation know they are not alone.

But I'm not just fearful of what I blog about, I'm scared about what people in the real world might say/think about me if they got to know me. I avoid social situations. I fear the question "So, what do you do?".

I don't know what the fuck I do. I survive each day. Is that not enough?

I stand by my belief that the only way to kill stigma is to talk about the things that some sections of society try to shame us about. For some reason I feel I need to reaffirm this belief to myself, and to you, so I can keep writing. Hiding in the shadows is only going to feed the fear. Standing up and declaring who I am and owning it should surely make me stronger.

So here I am:

Hello my name is Vanessa and

    I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict

      I suffer from have PTSD, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder and ADHD

        I take various psychiatric medications

            I have a lap-band and weigh about 92 kg

               I have been a victim of violent crime on three separate occasions in my life

                     I'm a single parent

                          I don't have a job

Fear and judgement can kiss my arse

I'm sick of living a fearful life.

The truth of it is, the only troll in my life is me. I am my own worst enemy and most critical judge.

Build a bridge, Vanessa, and get over it. Fear can kiss your arse!


V.

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Writing as therapy: When the self saboteur comes visiting

Writing as therapy

This is going to be one of those posts that I whine about my failures. Particularly my bloody weight issues. It takes up so much of my headspace that this blog would be a lie if I didn't write about it here. And anyway, when I asked Shrink for his advice on how to get back on the diet bandwagon he said "blog about it".

The self saboteur has come again

Chocolate is my drug of choice these days and I am in full blown active addiction. Again.

I've gained back all 5kg I lost last year and I'm not liking it at all. Yet my self saboteur grabs another Malteaser and shoves it in my gob, the smooth chocolate coating combined with the perfectly crunchy centre soothes me, if only for a second.

Chocolate, cake, ice cream, lollies and lots of them. I'm even drinking more Diet Coke than I usually allow myself because my self saboteur says I can. She plays with the fact that I have absolutely no self control of my addictions especially when I've been rejected, criticised, blamed or judged poorly.

Last year when I quit sugar and did Droptober I felt so determined and full of motivation to lose weight and get healthy. I felt light, my moods were more stable, my headaches were gone, I slept better and woke up better. I felt clean and I even felt like I actually loved my body. It was such a sweet lovely feeling. And my self saboteur was nowhere to be seen!

That's all gone now. I feel heavy and toxic. My headaches are back and my joints ache. I'm back in my fat clothes and I certainly do not heart my body. I feel old. My self saboteur is back and she encourages me to consume yet another bowl of ice cream and chocolate sauce. It will make you feel better, she says. Who cares if you get fat, she insists, this tastes too good to give a shit. You've suffered and you deserve a reward. My self saboteur is very convincing.

I've put it out on my Facebook feed, and on this blog, so many times that I'm back on the wagon, this time will be it, blah, blah, blah. Then I get a little set back and she's back! She can smell my fears and sensitivities from a mile away!

Last night I put this tweet out there...

Has anyone tried hypnosis to stop eating chocolate? I'm desperate. Chocoholics Anonymous where are you?
— Vanessa Beattie (@BabblingBandit) April 25, 2013

...and got this response

@babblingbandit stopping buying it is quite effective? ;-)
— Plain Jane (@Janey_uk) April 25, 2013

I wish it were that easy!

I hate myself when my self saboteur shows up but I feel completely powerless by her control over me. I am simply unable to sacrifice "short term gratification for the sake of long term goals" to quote my schema therapy book (which I highly recommend but should note I've also had extensive experience with group and one on one schema therapy). This is especially the case when I'm not feeling great about something.

You see I have the insufficient self control/self discipline schema (or as I call it my self saboteur). This is a basic summary:

"Insufficient Self-Control/Self-Discipline

This schema refers to the inability to tolerate any frustration in reaching one’s goals, as well as an inability to restrain expression of one’s impulses or feelings. When lack of self-control is extreme, criminal or addictive behavior rule your life. Parents who did not model self-control, or who did not adequately discipline their children, may predispose them to have this schema as adults."

- A Client’s Guide to Schema Therapy

I don't have tantrums any more (although I did up until about four years ago) but I'm impulsive. I always have been. I do things without thinking about the consequences, much like a toddler does. Although I know the consequences, I just choose to block them out during that moment of frustration or upset. Couple insufficient self control with my defectiveness schema and I'm the perfect candidate for addiction because I use the vice (in the past drugs and alcohol and now sugar) to overcome or avoid those feelings of defectiveness. It is a self defeating prophecy because by constantly failing to stem the impulsivity, and tell that bitch the self saboteur to fuck off, I'm just fueling the defectiveness. It is a vicious circle I've been playing in all my life.

"Defectiveness/Shame 

This schema refers to the belief that one is internally flawed, and that, if others get close, they will realize this and withdraw from the relationship. This feeling of being flawed and inadequate often leads to a strong sense of shame. Generally parents were very critical of their children and made them feel as if they were not worthy of being loved."

- A Client’s Guide to Schema Therapy

I want to find that golden moment again where I make the decision to tell my self saboteur to go to hell, and flick that magic switch in my brain that turns me back into the person I love: Motivated, pumped, committed. I want to hold onto that chick forever but I never do.

I told you all a little while ago that I was seeing a guy that I really liked. I put the hard word on him and I waited for a response. And I waited. The prick kept me waiting, giving me little life lines along the way but never having the balls to come straight out and say what he needed to say. When it became clear that it was over I just ate more chocolate. My self saboteur sniffed rejection and said fuck it, what is the point in being slim if a man doesn't want you, you might as well alone and fat forever.

I've come to the realisation that my diet is related to whether or not I'm dating. I lose weight, feel good, start dating, meet someone, get complacent because the relationship isn't right, put on weight, the relationship is over, mourn with chocolate, want to start dating again, lose weight...

Yes, I am a geek that keeps a record of my weight in an Excel spreadsheet and have done so for 10 years!

My whole sense of self worth must be centred around whether or not a man could love me. My defective self thinks I am unlovable if I am overweight so my self saboteur swoops in to provide evidence of that fact. Are you with me?

It has been a month since I sent him that text asking him where our three months of dating was heading. I've gained 2.5kg in the last four weeks and 2kg in the month before (which I can attribute to my attempt to return to office work).

I don't want to blame that dick-face for my weight gain. Or my anxiety about work and my subsequent mood slide. I need to take responsibility for my own health. I just hate that when I feel like shit (defectiveness schema) I do my utmost to make myself feel shittier in the guise of trying to make myself feel better (insufficient self control schema).

I guess it is lucky I have a psych appointment this week to work this shit through.

If you made it this far through this "writing as therapy" session, thank you.

What are your coping mechanisms? Go for a nice long walk? Meditate? Or shove your gob full of chocolate cake like me?

V.

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Kiss smart: The BB goals for 2013 - health

We are well and truly half way through the first month of the year and I'm yet to post my resolutions for 2013. Only I'm going to call them goals and aspirations because, apparently if I call them New Year's resolutions I'm less likely to succeed. If a little word change or two is going to help the cause, I'm all for it.

While I am aiming high this year, I also intend to stick to the KISS philosophy with some SMART thrown in.

Both KISS and SMART are mnemonic devices, if you didn't already know, which basically means they have been created to help us remember shit. Being ADHD, I need all the help I can get with my short term memory!

So while Keeping It Simple Stupid, my goals will be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time-bound. And because I have a few, I'm going to break them up into seven key areas. Each area will have its own post, otherwise this one post would be so babblingly long no one would ever bother to read it all.

The areas I want to work on this year are:

1. Health
2. For the soul
3. Finances
4. Career
5. Relationships
6. Family
7. Community

So basically I'm breaking down my whole life and setting goals and aspirations for each part.

Without further ado, here is goal area number one:

1. Health

I discovered last year that I heart my body. Yes, that's right, I love this 175cm 82kg body of mine that carries me around all day and all night. I haven't always loved it, in fact I've pretty much hated my body through a lifetime of brainwashing that my body isn't worth loving if it is fat.

Hating my body never helped me lose weight and keep it off so what is the point of that? Feeling shame about my body only served to make me feel shit about myself all the time and because it made me feel like shit I punished it. But I guess that is what we do to people/things we hate - we aren't very nice to them.

While I am now almost 20kg lighter than I was the day I got my lap-band, I am still around 5kg over my healthy weight range and 12kgs from my ultimate goal weight. My lap-band has been instrumental in helping me get to this point and now the rest of the work is up to me.

So hating my body has never worked and my lap-band has pretty much taken me as far as I can go, so the only approach left to take is to flip this hate caper on it's head and try love instead.

Following on from last year, I'm going to continue to love this body in 2013.

How do you treat people/things you love? You treat them with respect and dignity. You nurture them and say kind things to them. You do what you can to make them feel good.

So my health goal is to help my body feel good. Ok, let's aim higher. I'm going to make my body feel great and this is how I intend to do it:

a. Quit sugar... again

I'm currently back on the IQS (I Quit Sugar) bandwagon with one foot dangling off in the sea of temptation. I'm fighting my addiction to sugar with as much strength as I can muster, but I haven't been as strict as I was for those seven glorious weeks last year when Will Power was my best mate. Hell, she was my lover! This year we're getting back into bed together again. Whether she likes it or not!

I've paid up $9.99 for *The Happiness Institute's Boost Your Willpower - 30 Tips in 30 Days email course. I'm up to tip number six and so far, so good. Willpower is relevant for a lot of what I want to achieve so I think it has been a worthwhile investment.

b. Give oxygen to the flames of my cooking mojo

Like the glowing embers of an old fire, my creative desire to prepare food ebbs and wanes in the breeze. I absolutely adore cooking and when I am eating well I tend to cook more and the fire burns brightly. When my diet is shit I get lazy and disinterested in food and the flames are extinguished.

This year my fire will burn brightly with fresh whole foods being at the centre of the flames. Fruit, veggies, quality meat, whole grains and dairy. The only ingredients not allowed are sugar and processed junk.

Too easy. Well, you'd think so but the saying is always easier than the doing.

c. Move

Always the hardest part of a healthy lifestyle for me is to incorporate exercise into my everyday life. It is not because I don't like to exercise, I actually do like it but for me to get right into it, the exercise has to be easy. Not just easy to do, easy to get to, to do. If you know what I mean.

I know this is just an excuse but I very rarely have time on my own where I'm not with either Noo or my niece Mala. But if I was to really look at where I have moments on my own I guess I could find a gap or two to go down to our gym and get the heart rate going for a bit.

There are maybe two mornings a week when my parents are here. I should be at the gym at 6am on those days if I really wanted to work out. 6am. That is bloody early but the gym is in our building. That's right. Two floors down from me is a full gym and pool.

My lame arsed excuses for not going there include:

1. No one to look after kid(s)
2. The times that I could go are the busiest (ie 6am)
3. The times that I could go are too early (ie 6am)
4. I love spin classes but obviously we don't have group exercise classes in this residential building and none of the gyms around here have a creche
5. I cannot afford a gym membership and why should I join a gym if I have one here I can use for free?
6. My knee hurts
7. My foot hurts
8. I need to wait until I have an x-ray and CT scan on my lower back because of my foot (doctor thinks sciatica, I just think my foot is fucked)

What I can probably do is walk more. At least after my foot gets sorted out. Noo and I walked for miles yesterday around the Harbour and Opera House and today my foot is killing me. Stupid foot.

d. Keep this table stable

By table, I mean me, my mind. It rhymes with stable... anyway, I'm feeling pretty good this year as far as my mental health goes. I haven't had any serious mood swings for a while actually. If my mind feels stable my body reaps the benefits.

I think I finally have the right combination of medication and I really like my psychiatrist. Now the challenge is to find a way to hold on to this good feeling and maintain that stable table. Too often have I got here only to plunge again. Never as deep as rock bottom. I've only been there once. But I've dropped down low enough to start doubting myself again which in turn makes me feel too scared to keep pushing boundaries.

To keep things running smoothly I will continue my therapy but move it back from weekly to fortnightly. I'll keep reminding myself everything is ok. I have achieved so much and continuing to challenge the status quo only helps me achieve even more.


So, let's check back in with KISS SMART:

Did I keep it simple? 

I think so...

Goal: Help my body feel great

How: Quit sugar, eat whole foods, move my body, monitor my mind
and continue to challenge the boundaries of my comfort zones

Are my goals smart? 

They look pretty smart to me...

Specific: See above

Measurable: By 30 June I aim to be 75kg and happy

Achievable: With 7kg to lose in just over five months to do it in, I think so

Relevant: Absolutely

Time-bound: Yes, to be measured on 30 June 2013

So that is it for the babblingbandit.me KISS SMART goal area number 1 for 2013. I will check in periodically as to where I am tracking over the next six months.


V.


*Not sponsored! Just wanted to mention it because I like The Happiness Institute.

Linking up with Jess at Essentially Jess for #iBOT.

babblingbandit.me does Droptober!

2012: a year of failed attempts to lose weight

As anyone who reads this blog regularly would know I've made a number of attempts this year to get back on the weight loss bandwagon with very little success. It is amazing how easy it has been to fall into old habits, even after successfully losing 20kg since having my lapband installed. To be fair, I have had a lot of issues this year: my mood slid downwards, my lapband had to be loosened and I endured a bad case of anaemia and Restless Leg Syndrome. It was enough to put me right back where I was before weight loss surgery: pigging out on chocolate and lollies and all things bad for me!

I have to get back to crossing off these goals!

Comfort eating: Just don't do it 

Despite weighing 80kg, I started 2012 feeling pretty terrible, going by my blog posts in January. Check this one out. I sound miserable. Life was getting me down. Then a couple of days later my mood has improved somewhat but I'm spewing up food stuck in my lapband.

By February I'm attempting to exercise more but I'm chronically backed up, and telling anyone who'll listen about it. My Restless Leg Syndrome got worse, bringing with it terrible anxiety and exhaustion. What do I do when I'm anxious and tired? Eat all the stuff that is bad for me.

I didn't blog about it at the time but I remember it all too well: It was sometime in late February that I got gastro and spent a lovely evening from 5pm to 2am chucking my guts up. With a lapband, food can go in your mouth, down your throat and slowly through the band and into the stomach. Once it is through to the other side, it ain't coming back UP again. When lapbandits talk about PBing (productive burping) the food that comes up hasn't made it past the band. It has just been sitting in the pouch on top of the band so it doesn't hurt to bring it up.

With every convulsion my body shook and I retched in pain as I felt the foreign body within my abdomen move up and down my oesophagus. After what seems like forever, I finally got my dad to get me to the emergency room. There I was given morphine for the pain and all but 2mls of the fluid in my lap-band was removed to release the pressure around the top of my stomach. A few days later I weighed in at 79kg, the lowest I'd been since I first got my band installed.

I went back to my surgeon later that week and he was very impressed with my weight. He said that 79kg was a very healthy weight for me and suggested I now try to manage my diet without such tight restriction in my band. I agreed.

Attempting to go it alone: Fail

Since then I have attempted to live with low restriction in my lapband so I can eat bread and other carbs, as well as lean protein without having to worry about getting stuck all the time. I was amazed that, even though I could eat without getting stuck, I was still feeling full much quicker than I did pre-lapband. I figured I could eat small portions of good food like normal person.

It didn't take long before my weight slowly started to creep back up so I made several appointments to go back to my surgeon in order to get a fill to increase the restriction in my band, therefore decreasing the amount, and type, of food I could consume. Each time I cancelled. I was so sick of having to be cautious about every little morsel I put in my mouth. The whole cutting up into tiny pieces and chewing carefully and waiting 30 seconds between each mouthful. Eating shouldn't be such a chore! Plus I loved having bread, pasta and rice back in my diet.

But my attempt to eat like a normal person failed. And put on 7 kg.

I thought if only I could give up the bad stuff I'd lose it again. But my addiction to sugar is so strong:  I made a really lame attempt to give up chocolate for a month in a bet with my mum and sister. I failed. And then I tried to quit sugar because that is what everyone else is doing and the kegs are dropping off these people. Not me. Another fail.

It's all about ME

I finally did go back to my surgeon a couple of weeks ago and he put a bit of fill in. Not really enough because I can still eat bread, pasta, rice. I will definitely be going back for more soon but I know I have to do this, lapband or not. Only I can make that mindset change and just fucking do it.

I have learnt so much over the last few months about what's good and what's not. In particular, I've learnt an enormous amount about sugar. Basically, it has got to go.

And this has to be a lifestyle change. It needs to be a package deal: Eat less and better and exercise more.

So...

With just three months left of the year, I am making a pledge to myself and to anyone who would like to sponsor me: I've signed up for Droptober. Not only will your sponsorship give me an enormous about of motivation to stick to my guns, you will also be helping the Children's Charity, Variety.

I've started early because I'm hoping to drop those pesky 7 kg I've put on since March.

This is it. I'm psyched. I'm currently up to day six without chocolate and I've had very little sugar.

I'll be blogging about Droptober through the month.

And if you'd like to help motivate me and at the same time help raise some money for Variety go to my spaceship page here.

Thanks heaps for reading.

V.

The BB sugar experiment: Sugar and me, a little bit off history

Today is day 1, week 1 of mine and Noo's attempt at Sarah Wilson's I Quit Sugar experiment. We have started to cut back our sugar intake. I've only made a few small changes so far but at least that is something.

Noo had his sachet of oats for breakfast, as usual, but instead of adding more honey to the already sweetened breakfast I left it off completely. When I tasted a bit, I baulked. It just didn't taste sweet enough! I didn't think Noo would have a bar of it but he didn't even notice the lack of extra sweetener. I was really amazed. He is doing better than me so far! For dinner he ate two lamb chops without tomato sauce - a miracle.

I had a muesli bar that I found down the bottom of my handbag for brekky. Terribly high in sugar, I know, but we left the house in such a rush that I didn't have time to prepare something more healthy. I will get organised over this week. I did chuck out our car lolly stash (usually party mix or snakes but today it was a whole bag of eucalyptus and honey lollies). When I got my morning coffee I bought a chicken roll rather than a sweet pastry, like I usually do. Dinner was salad, lamb cutlets and some leftover pasta. I had a reasonable serve and was very content.

Now, for the people who have only started reading my blog recently I thought I'd give a little history about my weight issues and what has brought me here doing the I Quit Sugar plan.

Before I started blogging about deep and meaningful shit like who Noo's dad was (part 3 is coming I promise!) and how I was addicted to benzos for a short time, or writing poems about my drunken years in London, I was blogging regularly about my lap-band and my life long battle with weight issues. I think it is about time I revisit that. I'm getting fat again.

Sugar and me: A little bit of history

I'm a [lap]Bandit

When I started this blog on 11 August 2010 (OMG, I'm past the two year mark!), I was a massive 100kg. It was the biggest I'd ever been (actually, I was 104kg the week before Noo was born in 2008). I had tried everything to drop the kilos over the years but my weight always yo-yoed. I felt fat, unsexy, unloveable and unacceptable in a world that is so body conscious and judgemental.

Before lap-band and two years later
For more before and after shots check out this page

When I made the decision to get a lap-band I was worried about my health and my future. Coming from a family where there is heart disease and cancer on both sides, I knew I had to do something. Having Noo made me give a shit about how long I lived and the quality of life I wanted for me and my boy.

In that first post I wrote this:

"My problem used to be booze... I've since given up the devil's juice and have been proudly sober for 2+ years.  The only problem being that I picked up a replacement addiction - sugar!  Sweet anything. Chocolate mainly and lollies, ice cream, cake, doughnuts, brownies, Tim Tams...'

I still have a sugar addiction. I always will. Just like I will always have an addiction to alcohol and cocaine. The difference is, I am in recovery from the latter two. I have completely abstained from drugs and alcohol for over four years. Sugar, on the other hand, I'm in full blown active addiction.

On 6 September 2010 I had surgery to have a lap-band installed. It was drastic but I knew in my heart drastic measures had to be taken. Getting a lap-band was the best thing I could have done for long term sustained weight loss. It was not a lazy way out, like some people think it might be. In fact, managing life with a lap-band is challenging. It can be uncomfortable, if not down-right painful if you get food stuck, and it can be embarrassing if you need to purge the food that got stuck because it ain't getting out any other way. (For stories about getting food stuck in a lap-band check out here.)

But I have managed it - my lap-band. For nearly two years I have managed life with a foreign object wrapped around my oesophegus to restrict the amount of food that can get down my throat and into my stomach and I have lost 20kg. The weight loss was slow and steady (check out my goal list here for deets). I was very good with my food intake for about the first six months but slowly and surely sugary foods found their way back into my diet.

Lap-band basics

The band is like a doughnut ring full of fluid that is clamped around the bottom of the oesophegus to cause restriction around the top of the stomach (see gory pics of my band being installed here) creating a smaller pouch above. Food comes down the throat, sits in the pouch for about 30 seconds and then falls through to the stomach. As the food pushes through the band it puts pressure on the vagus nerve (pronounced like Vegas, the party city!) which sends the message to the brain that the stomach is full, even though it isn't. This feeling of satiety should hopefully occur after only about half to one cup of food.

The fluid level in the band is adjustable: too tight and you can't even get water through, too loose and you might as well not have one. The game a bandit is always playing is 'find the sweet spot'. Because we are all different sizes there's no one size fits all with lap-bands. Each bandit needs the perfect amount of saline fluid in their band: the perfect amount that makes it possible to get food down, but causes the bandit to slow down their eating and restricts the kind and amount of food they can eat. This is done by the doctor injecting into or removing fluid from the lap-band through a port that is just under the flesh around the left side of the body.

Sounds like a pain in the arse, doesn't it! It is. But it was worth it for me. Definitely! I do not regret a thing. My lovely lap-band helped me do what no other diet has done: lose weight and keep the bulk of it off. But...

What's my lap-band up to now?

Earlier this year I suffered a bout of gastro. I was up for hours chucking my guts up. Now, as a bandit, I vomited all the time. Or PBed, as the bandit lingo goes. Productive Burp. Gross, but true. PBing is ok with me. Food makes it to the top of the band but can't fit through. Like bread, pasta, rice. Or a mouthful that is too big or too carelessly chewed. Chucking that mouthful up is no probs for me because the food has not made it down to the stomach to mix with all the acidy juices down there so when it comes up it tastes the same was as it went down.

Proper vomiting, on the other hand, is a totally different kettle of tacos. Once food is through to the other side, ie in the stomach, it ain't getting back up past the band very easily. No matter how hard your gastro-ridden body wants to expel the bug that has invaded it. I learnt about this the hard way. 12 frigging hours retching, my body spasming in pain as it tried to eject the virus, while my lap-band that has been surgically stitched into my abdomen painfully rides up and down with each convulsion.

I should have taken myself to the hospital way before I did but I was scared they'd take all the fluid out of my band and I wouldn't have any more restriction, so I'd start over eating again. In the end I couldn't hack it any more. At 3am I was pumped with morphine and anti nausea drugs and had all but a small amount of fluid removed. The morphine was great and the anti nausea stuff was a massive relief. By the time I was back home again and putting my feet up it wasn't long before I was hungry again.

The sensation of being able to eat anything I wanted without worrying about it getting stuck was so luxurious. Bread, pasta, rice, potato back in my life? Hello carbohydrates! I could eat steak, go out for dinner without worrying about getting stuck, I could eat sushi! And even though the restriction had been let out I still couldn't eat that much. My stomach had shrunk so much I was amazed!

I had a follow up appointment at my weight loss surgery centre and they were really pleased with me because I weighed in at 79 kilos - the lowest I'd been since I'd lived in London and was on a healthy balanced diet of beer, cereal and class As (note sarcasm here). The doctor said I'd reached my ideal weight range and if I felt I could eat responsibly with my smaller stomach there was no reason to add the fluid back in.

I was stoked to say the least! I figured I'd be able to incorporate the healthy carbs (sourdough bread, a little rice and pasta) back in my diet and as long as I stayed clear of the sugary/fatty shit I'd be ok.

What has really happened?

Confession time here, I haven't stayed clear of bad food. If anything, I've been in down right binge mode! This year got pretty shitty for a while. I've talked about it heaps in this blog, but if you're only just reading for the first time - I was really not in a good way during the first few months of this year. I was suffering from symptomatic anaemia which caused exhaustion, low mood, anxiety, restless legs, constipation, hair loss. At the time I didn't realise I was anaemic, I just had the symptoms and I thought my depression was taking hold again. What do I do when depressed? Eat of course! And what kind of food? Sugary food!

So here I am, not far from my two year bandiversary and I'm 85.7kg. There, I've said it! Nearly back to 86 kilos! That's a 7kg weight gain since February this year. I have got to do something about it. I could go back to my surgeon and get my lap-band filled but that would mean not being able to eat bread/pasta/rice. It also makes eating other healthy foods like lean red meat and chicken very difficult. My iron levels have halved again since June so I really can't afford to not eat meat.

Where to next?

So quitting sugar it is! If I cannot make a success of this over the next eight weeks and drop 7kg then I am going back to get a fill. And anyway, this is not just about losing weight, it is about gaining control and repairing my sugar loaded taste buds. Its about not being slave to yet another addiction. It's about helping my mood naturally and stabilising my energy levels. And it is about getting my boy to eat a healthy balance diet so he can grow big and strong.


And so begins the experiment!

V.

Photo post catch up

It is absolutely pouring down here in Sydney which sucks because it makes it difficult to find things for Noo to do, but if he is ok about being home for a few hours this morning I'll get a chance to write my blog.

I ended last week being very piggy about my food choices knowing I was going to crack down on Monday. Although I did have a number of healthy meals as well. On Monday I weighed in at 82.5kg which is at the upper range of the 80-83kg I've been hovering around for ages.

Australia Day - half a grilled chicken burrito shared with Noo

Without trying to gross you out too much, I've been very backed up for months which is not helping with my mood or my weight. It is something people hate talking about, I know, but seriously constipation is one of the worst physical afflictions in my opinion. And is all too common - especially in women. Without going into too much detail I'll just say that I've been feeling sluggish, tired, irritable, heavy, down, bloated and generally all over yuck.

I went to the GP to get some advice and to have my thyroid function tested again because constipation is one of the symptoms of a hypothyroid. I had severe postpartum thyroiditis just after Noo was born so the risk of my thyroid going hypo is high. I'm waiting for the blood tests and hoping desperately that it is just my diet that is making me feel like shit (excuse the pun) and not some pain in the arse (another one - sorry!) auto immune disease that I could be saddled with for life!

Here are some random pictures I took using my iPhone's Hipstamatic app over the last few days:

Chicken drumstick and salad

Gorgeous pup Noo and I saw out at the park over the weekend

Just an observation - who buys CDs any more? Digital all the way for me!

Bakers Delight Cheesymite roll - this doughy white bread treat goes through
the band surprisingly easily. Majorly calorific though!

Hazelnut coffee scroll from Don Campos - my favourite coffee shop - didn't get
past one bite before I got stuck so gave it to mum. Bloody delicious though!

Sharing a mixed fruit and veg juice with Noo

The delicious mixed salad plate from Bread & Circus in Alexandria. Only $12.

Hot and sweaty after a 1 hour workout of walking/running.
Completed day three of week 1 C25K. Burnt 560 calories. Happiness.

Deliciously healthy quinoa, smoked chicken, orange and herb salad.
Made by moi!

Although I'm not doing Michelle Bridge's 12wbt I am enjoying following a few of the inspiring blogs around of people about to embark on this life changing journey (notable mentions go to 77noni and Tina at Currently Clueless). I didn't have the discipline to follow through with it last year. It really takes commitment to stick to such a rigid plan.

Good luck to all of you!

Well that's enough from me at the moment. It stopped raining a little while ago so I better get on with the day!

V.

The up swing

After starting the day in a bad mood yesterday things improved slowly as the day went on, ending with me being very relaxed. Took a while to get there though...

Went to lunch with mum, my sister Yolanda, Noo and baby Mala. It was my shout so I suggested sushi train at Westfields in the city. I usually have no problem eating Japanese as long as its good and fresh and if I have any of the rolls with rice I just douse it in soy sauce and take small bites so it goes down. I ordered a stack of stuff off the menu because they gave us a table rather than a spot at the train because we had the baby in a pram. All was good until I took my first bite and was stuck. Like, really stuck.

I waited ages because this can happen sometimes. I can get stuck on that first mouthful but once that is through it is like it has paved the way for any subsequent bites to come through cleanly and easily. Not this time. Second, third, fourth mouthfuls stuck, stuck and stuck. Fucking pissed me right off. I was paying but not eating! Mum, Yo and Noo ate almost everything while I sat there wishing hopefully I'd get that feeling of instant relief once the food drops. But it never happened.

I tried drinking a little green tea to help things along. Big mistake! When I add liquid to food it is like my oesophagus turns into a washing machine - churning and agitating - desperately trying to get the food to squish through the tiny opening to my stomach. Like each mouthful is fighting to get through first, punching and shoving the next bit of food and the walls of my pouch to make an exit to freedom. I can feel each turn, each punch and fuck can it hurt.

I was in agony by this stage and knew there was only one way that sushi was going and it was up. I asked mum and Yo to watch Noo so I could race to the toilet. Of course there was no way Noo was having that so in the end I took him to the parents' room with me. There I was, holding my hair back chucking the entire contents of my pouch into the toilet. Noo started copying me making similar noises and actions with his head over the kids' toilet next to me. It was a funny sight really.

I don't mind the chucking up of food, but when I've paid to eat at a nice restaurant all I see is dollar signs dropping into the dunny. So annoying!

Coming out the wrong end.
Picture from here.

We left Westfield and Yo went off for an appointment. It had started to rain (again!) so mum, Noo and I sought shelter in Dymocks book shop. After the chuck I was still starving so with Noo checking out the kids' books with mum I went up to the cafe to have a milkshake - food guaranteed to get through the bloody band. 300+ calories later and I was satisfied.

We made it home in the pouring rain and then I did something to surprise myself. I went to the gym! Amazing. Two days running. Had a great workout on the treadmill running and walking for 30 minutes as well as completing 5km on the bike. I then did 3 sets of 12 tricep dips and burnt a total of 460 calories, according to my new best friend - my Polar heart rate monitor.

I finished the day off with a healthy tuna salad and a dip in the spa and sauna to relax my weary muscles.

All in all a great end to what at first seemed like was going to be a bad day.

V.

PS Happy Australia Day to all you Aussies out there.

Mood swings

So yesterday was a good day. My 48 hours of personal space paid off and I felt really good yesterday arvo when Noo came back.

I did one hour at the gym, burning 412 calories. 20 minutes on the bike, 25 minutes on the treadmill using the C25K app for the first time and 15 minutes of floor work including 80 sit ups and stretching. I felt great afterwards. Very energised and proud of myself that I went.

My food choices weren't great though. I had the usual porridge with prunes for breakfast, lunch was two large slices of ham off the bone, some Stilton and Fontina cheese, one fresh fig and about five crackers. I didn't eat all the cheese but still need to start cutting it out all the together.

When Noo returned in the afternoon we went over to visit my sister and beautiful niece Mala. Noo scooted and we walked over to our favourite coffee shop. I had not one but two large skim cappuccinos at 75 calories each. The coffee is just so good that I couldn't resist the second cup. The cafe we go to is so great and easy to have kids at. There's toys to play with and lots of space inside and out for scootering around.

I ordered Noo a baby cino and a brownie. For some strange reason he didn't like the brownie so my sister and I shared it adding another 100 calories to afternoon tea bringing the total to 240 cals.

I wasn't overly hungry come dinner time so I had a couple of pieces of toast with peanut butter on one and Vegemite on the other. The only way for me to eat toast is to chew small crispy bites of sourdough toast very slowly and deliberately. Just checked out my trusty Calorie Fat & Carbohydrate Counter and 1 tablespoon of peanut butter is 120 calories! Got to give that up too.

Despite having a good day yesterday I'm back to feeling a bit flat today. Had a dreadful night sleep where I woke up every hour with my restless hips playing up, Noo kicking me every which way and anxiety dreams. It is raining and gloomy and generally a depressing day here in Sydney.

I feel like such a moody bitch!

Not my picture - source unknown but it
kinda sums up how I feel at the moment.

Looking forward to the next up swing.

V.

What a difference a couple of days makes!

I have seriously done nothing except lounge around and read, surf the web and watch TV for the last 24 hours, but I've done it alone and I gave myself permission to relax.

I love my boy more than life itself, but god, did I need this break. To be able to do what I want when I want without a three year old climbing all over me or demanding anything from me has been just what I need to clear my mind. It has given me time to relax and to sleep without being kicked in the guts all night.

Yesterday I also set up a new Twitter account for this blog. Anyone interested can follow me at @BabblingBandit. I'm just going to post the everyday stuff about my band. Food I eat, times I get stuck. That sort of thing. Anyone thinking about getting a lap-band might find it interesting to read about the little daily details of life with one. I thought too, it might keep me more honest about the food I eat if I am publishing to the Twittersphere. I might think twice about that junk I want to eat if I have to tell everyone about it (well, my three followers)!

So I've got my gym gear on. It is 10am. Noo and my parents are due back in about three hours. I'm just waiting for my phone to charge so I can try this new app at the gym this morning. It is called 5k Runner. Anyone know it or used it? It is a couch to 5K app that tells you when to walk and when to run in intervals til you get to running 5km. I'm still doubtful I'll ever be able to run. I have dodgy knees so I probably shouldn't run but I have had a few dreams lately that I was running and it felt great. Exhilarating even! I want to try to replicate that feeling in real life so I'm going to give it a go. I'll write more about it later.

Gym shoes are on! Now get your butt to the gym woman!

Chat later.

V.

Make some changes and get a life

19 days into the new year and nothing has changed. I feel so stagnant, almost paralysed. Change is obviously what I need but so much fear holds me back from doing anything. I'm tired and bored and irritate easily.

I need to get a job.

I'm the only one who can take the turn off.
Picture borrowed from Lifehack.org

Yuck! I wrote those couple of lines above a few days ago. Nothing has changed but I don't feel as desperate as I did on Thursday. At least I don't think I do.

Mum and dad have taken Noo away for a couple of days so I can have a break. I miss him badly already. Whenever I drop him at school I don't feel bad. I know he loves preschool. But for some reason I'm racked with mother's guilt this afternoon. I feel guilty for shipping him off. For feeling like a need a break from parenting.

People have started to notice I'm not feeling 100%. My parents and even a couple of my friends have asked if I am ok. I don't know what to say. Most people think I have an easy life. I only have one child and I don't work and I live with my parents. Life should be simple right?

These are the things that are worrying me at the moment:

1. My diet is shocking. I have sugar everyday. I crave it. My band is in the perfect place. I have to eat slowly, consciously chewing small mouthfuls of non starchy foods. Oats and prunes for breakfast, salad for lunch, protein and veggies for dinner. Great. I'm satiated after about an entrée size portion. Even better. The problem is in between meals I crave snacky stuff like popcorn or lollies and I never resist the bad stuff. Also after dinner I have to have chocolate or ice cream or both. Usually I have a small cone with low fat vanilla ice cream with crushed peanuts and Ice Magic on top. To die for... literally.

My weight is hovering around 80-82kg. I have been this weight most of my adult life. While it is so much better than being between 100-102kg I'm still 10kg short of my goal. I feel fat and ugly. I feel like I'm aging so fast now. I feel like I've wasted the best years of my life being fat. Who cares if I'm a bit overweight when I'm old? Now is when it matters. Especially seeing as I'd like to find a 'mate'. And I don't want a fat partner either. I think it is disgusting if I'm honest. My gut, my legs, my arse, my arms. Fucking disgusting. I find it completely repellent on a man too. I'm not saying I need a perfect Michelle Bridges 12 fucking wbt body. Just a normal size 12 would be awesome. Why the fuck then can't I stick to any diet? Why do I shove that chocolate in my gob, order that ice cream, buy those lollies, bake those chocolate chip bikkies? Why?

2. Exercise is currently not a part of my life. But I want it to be. Fear holds me back. I bought a 10 pack of visits to Fitness First that I have to use before March. I went the first time last year when I was attempting 12wbt. I liked the class but the gym scared me. Living in the city the nearest gyms to me are obviously frequented by city workers. I went to the Bond Street Fitness First and it was full of hot men and women who were so fit and fabulous and generally intimidating for a fatty like me. Sounds like such a bad excuse, and it is I know, but I can't seem to get past it. I haven't been to our gym downstairs either. I'm just so fucking slack. Slack and lazy.

3. Uni has started freaking me out. I dropped out last study period because my heart wasn't in it any more. My anxiety was through the roof because I was also trying to find a job and doing RSVP trying to find a man as well as trying to do 12wbt by the book and failing. Something had to give so I gave up uni. My first application for special circumstances was rejected but finally my second was accepted. I've enrolled again in the same subject for the next study period which is a relief but I'm worried I'll fail again. The study period doesn't begin until 27 February so I really should use this time wisely and get started on redoing assignment 1 ahead of time.

4. The work situation scares me witless! I don't even want to write about it really. I know I need a job for my own sanity but having that kind of commitment terrifies me. For too long I haven't been expected anywhere really. Noo is the only one that makes me do anything and that is for love so it is ok. He loves me even when I fuck up. What if I actually do get a job and I don't do it right or I wake up every morning again hyperventilating with anxiety about having to go and perform around a bunch of strangers. And this market is so tight! Especially for part time admin roles. I've had so many rejections. Before my breakdown I got every job I ever interviewed for. I'm excellent at what I do but I can't seem to get a foot in the door anywhere now.

So that is it I think. My poor me middle class problems.

I should stop whining and start doing but I'm so tired. I need another life changing epiphany. That lightning bolt. That breakthrough. Just some sort of kick up the arse that gets me moving again.

V.

Dating sucks

My band is really tight at the moment but I've been hovering between 79 and 81kg for weeks now. This always happens to me. I go through a burst of motivation and enthusiasm to eat well and exercise lose on average 1kg a week and then get bored with cooking and get complacent about exercise then hello plateauville.

My band is so tight it is really anti social. I can eat but very, very slowly or if I stick to really band friendly foods I can eat a little more and a little faster. These include cheese and crackers, popcorn, smoothies, Cruskits, some muesli bars, soups. You bandits out there know what I mean - either really crunchy or really soft/sloppy. When I'm being lazy about eating I tend to live on cheese and crackers and chocolate and popcorn. Not healthy from a calorie point of view and certainly not healthy from a nutritional viewpoint either.

My staple diet

I wrote the other day about my latest dating situation. I've decided I hate dating! I hate the anxiety of it all. The games that are suppose to be played. You know what I mean? Trying to not seem too keen while still expressing some interest. In this day and age where communication is so easy via social media or text message it is easy to fall into the trap of overly regular contact before you know the person well and then when they don't respond at the same pace or with the same enthusiasm it leaves the mind to fill the gaps trying to work out what each message really means or what they really are trying to tell me when they don't respond for 24 hours. Because seriously, we all have our mobile close at hand. For blokes, they are only in their pockets. There must be a message they are trying to tell me by not getting back within a couple of hours.

So my mind has been working overtime since my date on Monday night. Does he like me, does he not? Do I like him? Or do I really think our political differences are uncompromisable (is that even a word)? My complaint with the last relationship was that we fell into a trap of being too comfortable too soon and in too much contact too soon. This current guy and I have a date set for this afternoon so I should be happy, but why do I assume he can't be that interested because he hasn't sent me a tonne of texts everyday since the last date? 

This line of thinking then sends me into a spiral of self doubt and self hate. OMG, I must be so annoying! I must come across so desperate! So old! So needy! It goes on... Why does it have to be like this? Why do I have to be like this? I've never been great with men and relationships. The reason for that could take hours to write about and I'm sure it goes back to the way my mother hated my dad my whole life (except for the last 5-10 years) and how she basically taught my sister and me to either hate men, or fear them, but I don't want to go into that now. I've always believed that I've spent most of my life single, or with dickheads, either because I'm too fat, too needy, too aggressive, too drunk, too headstrong, too unable to play the game...

Noo and I went out and about just the two of us yesterday which is usual for a Saturday. We visited my mum in hospital (she's ok) and then went in search of somewhere to cool off (it was 30+ degrees here in Sydney). The first park we went to has a really great sprinkler system for the kids to run under but was packed, despite the fact that the water feature was broken. We left there and went to a local pool. I'd been resisting the pool because I had a small lump taken off my arm during the week and wasn't suppose to have it submerged in water for too long but the pool we went to has a great kids' wading pool so I didn't have to get wet. Anyway, the reason I'm writing about this is that I hate Saturdays in parks, pools, zoos... any place for kids. Saturday is Dad Day.

I'm pretty sure I've written about this before but I can't be bothered to go hunting out the link. All the places for kids are packed with older, school aged kids as well as the preschoolers and toddlers, and they come with their dads or as a family unit - with both parents. I don't want to sound bitter, because I'm not (I don't think), I made the choice to be a sole parent, but it is on these days that I realise I really would like to share this wonderful experience with someone. As well as share the hard times of raising a child.

In the kids' pool yesterday there was a couple with their little baby who might have been about six months old. Watching them share the delight in their baby's face as he padded and splashed around the shallows of the pool made my heart melt. I love seeing dads with their babies. The hardness of their masculinity disappears as they focus on their baby and as an onlooker you can just feel the love between them. I would love to share that with someone. Because the truth of it is I want more kids! But not alone. It is just too hard. 

The father issue has come up a lot lately because Noo is starting to realise he doesn't have one. He sometimes talks like he does and sometimes calls my dad - his pa - daddy. I feel really bad about that. Not because I'm not in contact with his biological father because getting that fuckwit out of our lives was the best thing I could have done for Noo but for not having another man in our lives we could both love and he could call dad. Or I wish his real dad was a decent bloke and could be in our lives but that is never ever going to happen.

*big sigh here* 

Anyway, I've written way more than I wanted to. It is a beautiful day here again and I have lots to do. I'll write later about this afternoon's date. He just text so we're all set. 

Now, what am I going to wear?


V.

37

It is my 37th birthday today. I really can't believe it. 37! Sometimes it only feels like yesterday that I was celebrating my 30th and then at other times that period seems like it was actually someone else's life and memories. Today is the second birthday I've celebrated with my band. This year was quite similar to last year but this year rather than being excited about getting out of the 90s and into the 80s and I'm stoked to be finally weighing in the 70s (albeit 79.9kg).

I had a lovely day having lunch with my family at my sister and brother in law's home. Everyone provided a dish and the food looked absolutely divine. Unfortunately for me though I got majorly stuck on the first mouthful of home made scallop and prawn dumpling and that was it for the day. I stupidly tried to keep eating and ending up having to chuck everything up and my band swelled up and that was it. I did manage to get a small amount of cake down though which was some consolation.

Asian style noodles, ribs and greens

37 years young!

That's it for now. I'm on a break from uni for a while so hopefully I'll get my fingers typing at whack out posts more regularly again.

Post ya later!

V.

Goal 4 finally crossed off the list

So I've finally hit 80kg! I actually got to 79.9 the other day and I can't tell you how fantastic is was to see a 7 as the first number on the scales. I haven't really been dieting though so my weight is now hovering from 79-81kg and all the points in between.

I'm now at the average weight that I've been most my adult life. My band doctors have told me I've lost nearly 80% of my excess body fat and that I've done it 6 months ahead of their schedule. I'm still not happy though. I really want to get to 75kg and maintain that weight. God, I'd love to get to 70kg and maintain that weight! I've been there before and I look hot at 70kg but I've never been able to maintain it for longer than a couple of months.

Sadly, I'm a 12wbt drop out. I recently went to one of the excellent psych group therapy sessions that the OClinic holds once a month. When I mentioned that I'd started 12wbt but couldn't maintain the rate of weight loss or the motivation to do the exercise the psychologist told me it was because 12wbt is just another diet and diets don't work in the long term for a massive proportion of us fatties out there. Michelle would have you believe otherwise and I know she has reached out to and transformed so many people but her method is not maintainable for everyone. The sugar, the fat, the overeating - they are all like drugs. It is an addiction, and I know better than anyone, what addiction is all about. The band puts a physical barrier in place that willpower alone does not have the same power to do. At the OClinic it is only expected that we lose around half to one kilo a month which is pretty much what I'm doing so I'm not going to beat myself up too much.

I've had so many NSVs as well. I'm wearing US size 10 and 12 jeans (vanity sized NYDJ, but who cares!). I can fit into my old Seven For All Mankind jeans and I'm pretty much in size 14 in normal Aussie sizes. I've had so many compliments on my new size and I generally feel much more confident about my body. 

My band is really tight at the moment but I like it that way. I chucked up all my dinner last night but it didn't bother me. I used to fight the stuck feeling and jump around, pounding my fist on my chest hoping to help the food get down through the band. Now I just quietly leave the table and spit it up. Because the food never makes it into my stomach it hasn't mixed with any acid so it's really not that bad throwing it up. And I'm an ever so quiet vomiter! Ha!

On other news my boy is nearly three years old! I cannot believe how he is growing. He is so gorgeous and so funny. Everyday there is another new statement that he comes up with that is so hilarious!

Growing up so fast!

That is all from me today. Hope all is well in blogland.

V.

It's been a while...

So much has happened since April that I don't even know where to begin!

Last time I wrote I'd just started a new relationship after three years of singledom. Everything was lovely and went really well until about three or four months in I realised he wasn't the one. He was so lovely but I wasn't in love with him. I've been single again about three months and I am really enjoying it. I guess the experience made me appreciate more what I already have. And I don't need a relationship in order to feel validated. It also made me realise that I need to be really ready for it. For their sake and mine. I think it is really important that I am ok about who I am before I go sharing myself with others. I'm nearly there, just not quite yet.

After the break up I decided that I needed to get back on the self improvement journey. Especially because while in the relationship I gained 3.4kg (7.5lb). I pretty much spent the most of this year eating what I wanted whenever I wanted, although in smaller portions. I have since then got back on the diet bandwagon at joined the Michelle Bridge's 12 Week Body Transformation. The program is amazing... if you stick to it!

Last week I got down to my lowest weight in over four years - 80.9kg (178lb), down from the 86.7kg I had got back up to by the end of August this year. I lost 5.8kg in six weeks. How good is that! The weight was dropping off me! In August when I realised I'd gained so much I went back to my surgeon and asked for a fill and started working the band again. The motivation Michelle provides was also excellent in keeping me in check.

Unfortunately I started the 12wbt with an ear infection and then my son came down with the same ear/throat infection and then I got I terrible cold. It was awful. One of us would get better then the other would get sick again. I lost stacks of time for uni work and for exercising. Although my eating has been great (up until the last week so) I have only managed two training sessions since the 12wbt program began. Pretty shocking.

Basically, without boring you with the details, I had a huge anxiety attack about 10 days ago and it has been downhill since then. It is just amazing how we try to make ourselves feel better by going back to the old habits like eating chocolate and lazing around watching TV even though we KNOW doing the right thing (ie eating healthily and exercising) is what really makes us feel better after a break down.

So after a bout of anxiety, bad PMT and uni stress I've had a little gain of 0.3kg (just over 1lb) and I've got to get back on track! Hence the blog writing. Sometimes it just helps to see the excuses on the screen.

Next week is week six and the halfway mark of the 12wbt and I've got to get kicking! I'm going to go back and watch Michelle's vids and get remotivated. I am only 1.2kg away from getting another star on my blog banner and 10kg from the ultimate goal - 70kg. 

Hope all is well in blogland.

V.