It's been a while...

So much has happened since April that I don't even know where to begin!

Last time I wrote I'd just started a new relationship after three years of singledom. Everything was lovely and went really well until about three or four months in I realised he wasn't the one. He was so lovely but I wasn't in love with him. I've been single again about three months and I am really enjoying it. I guess the experience made me appreciate more what I already have. And I don't need a relationship in order to feel validated. It also made me realise that I need to be really ready for it. For their sake and mine. I think it is really important that I am ok about who I am before I go sharing myself with others. I'm nearly there, just not quite yet.

After the break up I decided that I needed to get back on the self improvement journey. Especially because while in the relationship I gained 3.4kg (7.5lb). I pretty much spent the most of this year eating what I wanted whenever I wanted, although in smaller portions. I have since then got back on the diet bandwagon at joined the Michelle Bridge's 12 Week Body Transformation. The program is amazing... if you stick to it!

Last week I got down to my lowest weight in over four years - 80.9kg (178lb), down from the 86.7kg I had got back up to by the end of August this year. I lost 5.8kg in six weeks. How good is that! The weight was dropping off me! In August when I realised I'd gained so much I went back to my surgeon and asked for a fill and started working the band again. The motivation Michelle provides was also excellent in keeping me in check.

Unfortunately I started the 12wbt with an ear infection and then my son came down with the same ear/throat infection and then I got I terrible cold. It was awful. One of us would get better then the other would get sick again. I lost stacks of time for uni work and for exercising. Although my eating has been great (up until the last week so) I have only managed two training sessions since the 12wbt program began. Pretty shocking.

Basically, without boring you with the details, I had a huge anxiety attack about 10 days ago and it has been downhill since then. It is just amazing how we try to make ourselves feel better by going back to the old habits like eating chocolate and lazing around watching TV even though we KNOW doing the right thing (ie eating healthily and exercising) is what really makes us feel better after a break down.

So after a bout of anxiety, bad PMT and uni stress I've had a little gain of 0.3kg (just over 1lb) and I've got to get back on track! Hence the blog writing. Sometimes it just helps to see the excuses on the screen.

Next week is week six and the halfway mark of the 12wbt and I've got to get kicking! I'm going to go back and watch Michelle's vids and get remotivated. I am only 1.2kg away from getting another star on my blog banner and 10kg from the ultimate goal - 70kg. 

Hope all is well in blogland.

V.

Finally out of plateauville and into a whole new world all together!

Finally, the weight is moving again. Off that is. Off my bum, my legs, my tum, my face, my boobs... check out the pics below. The photos on the left were taken on the day of my surgery and the ones on the right were taken on the 11th of this month when I got just below 85kg which is half way to goal.

So much has been happening that my mind is in a whirlwind of excitement and emotion. Along with losing weight I've met someone! Can you believe it! Without giving too much away as it is still early days (date 5 I think, but endless hours on the phone and text), I am having the best time. He is lovely and caring and intelligent and funny and loves kids and handsome and thinks I am the bomb! I don't think I've ever been with someone who seems to be into me so completely.

My band is working as it should, I think. I can eat pretty much anything but in small portions. I am grateful for this as I've been going out for dinner more in the last few weeks than I have in years. As long as I'm slow and relaxed and chew a lot I am ok. I think I've had two teeny fills since I last blogged. My band is so sensitive that is all I need. 

As of today's weigh in I am 83.7kg or 184lb. I cannot believe I have only 4kg to go to get in the 70s. I think I might actually cry when I see a seven at the beginning of the double digit number on my scales. It is hard to believe that not that long ago I was so down in the dumps about everything and now my life is all smiles and roses. 

Uni has been very busy which is another thing that has been keeping me from blogging. I've decided to continue with this blog as I don't care who reads this now. This is my life but if there are people from my past who want to know what's going on in it, go for  it. I can't promise to blog as frequently as before as I'm so busy with everything, but will try to keep as up to date as possible. 

Hope all is well in blogland.

V.

The beginning of the end?

I haven't blogged in ages.

There are several reasons for this.

1. I've been flat out finishing off my last unit of uni and starting the next two. I'm happy to report I got two high distinctions for my final assessments which means I got a distinction over all for the unit. Not bad for my first foray into university study.

2. I feel uneasy about certain people reading my blog. I don't know if I am going to be able to write with as much freedom as I did in the past. I regret so much putting a link on my twitter account to this blog which must have been how this person found me. I've deleted it now but the damage is done. I knew writing a blog meant that my words were going out there for anyone to read but that feeling of anonymity, which gave me the freedom to write without worrying about people who knew me reading about my life, has gone. I might even abandon this blog and start another but I won't put a link to it here. I'm undecided.

3. I am still in plateauville with my band and I don't want to keep going on with the same bullshit about not losing weight when I'm not really trying at the moment anyway. I'm not really being bad with food and I haven't gone back to the way I was, so I'm not gaining, but I'm not losing either. I really need a fill and my next appointment is 21 March so maybe I'll get back to losing then.

Generally I've been pretty good. Noo is being his usual wonderful self and we've been getting up to some fun adventures around town. All is good with my family and my studies are going ok too. Basically just going along nicely.

Like everyone else watching from afar, the ongoing Japanese crisis just seems extraordinarily terrible and almost unbelievable because of the enormity of it. My heart goes out to everyone there who is suffering.

So that is it for now. I don't know what I'm going to do going forward. Still thinking about it.

Hope all is well out there in bandit blogland.

V.

Let's get positive

Thank you everyone for your comments. This band stuff is so overwhelming sometimes and it is great to know that you guys are there reading. I'm sorry I haven't been over to your blogs for a while. I will get there as soon as my assignments have been handed in.


I suppose I should acknowledge my anonymous reader... I'm pretty sure I know who you are. Thanks for your kind words. I don't know how comfortable I am having my old world collide with my new one, but that is the nature of the internet. I am acutely aware that whatever I post on here is free for all to read and I guess that is part of the appeal, but it also poses as a potentially dangerous risk. I don't think the danger is with my past, but my future is where my fear lies. 


That's all I'm going to say on that.


****


After weeks of letting this bad feeling build up I finally let it all go yesterday. I had my appointment with the surgeon in the morning and it turns out that my band is in the right place and all is how it is suppose to be, except for my hunger, which he said I have to determine is real hunger or just head hunger. Fuck head hunger! I don't want any hunger. The doc gave me a slight fill, adding just 2/3 of the .1ml that was taken out last time but I wish I could supplement my band with an appetite suppressant that 1. worked; 2. was not addictive; and 3. was legal. All the ones I know of that meet requirement 1. definitely don't comply with requirement 2. or 3. and the ones that do comply with 2. and 3. definitely don't meet requirement 1. Get it?


So, yeah, yesterday I let it all go. On the phone to mum, as usual. Poor love. Burst my eyes out crying "I'm lonely, I'm fat, I'm over it, I'm hungry, I'm tired, I need help." Poor me. I cried for about an hour and then said fuck it to the uni work and made a cup of tea and sat in front of an episode of Big Love with a whole packet of Arnott's Venetian biscuits. I ate 12 biscuits one after the other. First binge in well over six months. About 700 calories worth in half an hour. 


After I felt relieved. It was out of my system. After the show I picked myself off the couch and went and picked up my boy from day care. It always bring a smile to my face to see those gorgeous blue eyes look up at me like I'm the most wonderful person in the world. And to him, I am!


So, positive thinking. Here are some good things things that have happened in recent weeks that I have not focused enough on:


1. My son is the most gorgeous little boy in the world, who loves me no matter what.


2. I got a Distinction for my very first uni assignment and a high Credit for my very first uni essay. Currently a Distinction overall for the subject.


3. I have lost 52% of my excess bodyweight since getting the lap-band on 6 September last year.


4. My BMI has dropped 4.4 points in six months and I am no longer in the obese category.


5. I bought a size 14 top last week in the 'normal' section at Myer. Actually in the 'youth' section. 


6. I started working. Wow. Just one day a week but I'm actually working in an office doing stuff using the skills I've learnt at TAFE and what I'm now learning at uni. But, really, I'm working! After three years off. This is a major breakthrough.

Noo and me playing on the floor Sunday arvo

Back to my assignment now. My next assignment is worth 35% of my overall score and I'm only halfway done and it is due Monday so I've got to get cracking. Will post again once it has been submitted.


V.

Day 2 of 10 day "Getting Serious" diet

Before I go on about my band, I have to mention the Queensland floods. If you haven't heard about it already, 80% of our great state of Queensland has been declared a disaster zone due to devastating floods. 13 people are dead, 50 are missing and thousands have been made homeless. 30,000 more properties are expected to be inundated by flood waters tomorrow, when the Brisbane River peaks.

"The Queensland capital is now the scene of a natural disaster
unprecedented in contemporary Australia." 

The Australian - 12 January 2010

Ipswich, just west of Brisbane, inundated by floodwaters.
Photo: The Australian

If you haven't already, please donate whatever you can to help these poor people. The Queensland Government has a site where anyone can donate. There's even details for international donations. Thank you!


My thoughts are with everyone in Queensland and anyone who has family there. This is a terrible time but I know the Aussie spirit will get you though it.




Now on to band news...


After weighing in at 88.2kg in the morning at home, when I had the appointment with my surgeon at 1pm, I clocked in at 88.8kg. Yuck. He didn't say it flatout but he basically said I need to step up my game because I've been plateauing for too long. I agree, hence my Getting Serious diet which I started yesterday. He added half of what was removed when I had the unfill at the end of last year which must have been about .5ml of saline. I've lost track where I'm up to now but I think my band should be around half full at 5ml. 


Feeling ok today. Woke up STARVING. Last night I just had some vegies sautéed in olive oil served with a very thin slice of a chicken terrine my dad had made on the weekend. 


Today I survived my first full day without sugar, dairy or complex carbs. Here's the list:


Breakfast
1 egg, fried with a short spray of canola oil


Morning tea
1 cup fruit salad


Lunch
Lentil and tuna salad: chopped celery, carrot, parsley, corianda; lentils; roasted pinenuts; 1 small can tuna; dressing of olive oil, white balsamic vinegar, lemon juice


Afternoon tea
2 small plums
Small handful raw almonds


Dinner
1 cup Mapo tofu pork: pork mince, tofu, chili paste, soy sauce, garlic, ginger, corianda, green onions


I was quite content after I finished dinner but I'm a bit hungry again now, just two hours later.


I have had a wicked hunger headache all day which I suppose is a result of eating less and withdrawing from sugar and carbs. The first couple of days are the worst though so hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.


So, two days down, eight to go.


I have just got to repeat Kate Moss's motto: "nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels"!


Hope all is well out in blogland.


V.

Getting serious about working the band

Yesterday I listed the issues that are currently affecting my anxiety. Today I'm going to put together some clear goals as to how to deal with these problems. 


1. Keeping Noo active


This is a constant source of guilt for me. I know Noo wants to be outside running around all the time but I just can't provide that for him. I know he feels cooped up in the apartment, but what can I do? I think it is fair that I take him out for a play for half the day and the other half we spend in doors so I can do my study/blogging.


And we are often out more than half a day doing all sorts of fun stuff like swimming, walking, going to the zoo, the beach, the aquarium. And when we are home he has everything he could possibly want: all the toys, books and TV shows a kid his age could possibly need! And I don't just leave him to it. I'm always in the room with him and I talk to him while he plays on the floor and I work at the dining room table. Surely this is enough!


Thank goodness daycare starts back tomorrow so we'll both get some welcome relief.

Out and about in Hyde Park yesterday afternoon to check out
the Sydney Festival First Night event

2. Getting my diet back on track


OK, this is a big one. My next appointment for a fill is on Tuesday and then I'm going to start a version of the Liver Cleansing Diet. I haven't got the book but my sister and brother-in-law have done it several times and I've learnt the basics from them.


Basically the rules are you can eat as much as you like of the following:

• Vegetables
• Fruit
• Nuts and seeds
• Legumes
• Cold pressed oils (eg extra virgin olive oil)
• Lean white meat (eg chicken)
• Fish (including prawns)
• Eggs
• Spices, vinegar, mustard - as long as it is not sweetened

I think I'll struggle with these after a fill, but also allowed are low GI carbs in moderation: 

• Low GI pasta - spelt, brown
• Low GI breads - spelt, sourdough and other whole grain breads
• Low GI rice - Doongara Clever Rice

The following foods must be eliminated from my diet completely:

• Dairy - I really don't like the idea of this because I think skim milk is an excellent source of calcium and it is not bad for you so I'm only going to do this for the first 10 days
• Red meat (eg beef, lamb) - I'm not so keen on this because my iron levels are always low and as lean read meat is the best source of haem iron I'd rather not remove it completely but I'll do it for the first 10 days
• Sugar has to go completely but honey is allowed which is great
• No alcohol is allowed but that's no problem for me!
• No caffeine is allowed. Hmmm. Not into this rule at all! I'll forgo cappuccinos for the first 10 days but my black coffee and Diet Coke stay  

Hardcore fact to think about to keep me on track: Just like alcohol and cigarettes, foods that are high in saturated fat and sugar are poison and can also cause death. 




3. Add some exercise into my week


For some reason I didn't have this one on my list yesterday but really it should be there. I haven't stuck to an exercise routine since 2009! That's a whole year without planned exercise and I really think if I'm ever going to get to my goal weight I need to get to the gym. 


I have absolutely NO EXCUSE not to exercise. To put myself to shame, check this out:

• I have a fully equipped gym in my building only three floors down in the lift where I live. It is never busy and there's a big screen TV to watch while using the cardio equipment.
• I bought a tiny iPod Shuffle in 2009 to use while exercising and I've NEVER used it!
• I have a 25 metre swimming pool in the building that, like the gym, is never busy so I could be doing laps.
• I live right near Sydney Harbour, considered one of the most beautiful harbours in the world, and has the best walking/running routes around it. Joggers and walkers are everywhere around here but yet, I sit back, trying to think up excuses!
• Although I'm flat out doing study on the days Noo is at daycare, I really should be able to fit in an hour of exercise on those three days. 

How bad is that! I am so fortunate to have all these things right at my fingertips and I just take them for granted. The gym, the pool and the million dollar views around the Harbour cost me NOTHING to use! Zilch, nadda, zero cash. 


I told you guys how I joined a gym back in late November, well about two weeks after that I managed to get out of the membership. I just knew I wouldn't go. Who was I kidding? If it is such an effort to go three floors down, how the fuck did I think I was going to get in the car and drive 20 minutes to go to a gym! I astound myself sometimes. I really do.


I've just got to break out of this fear of exercise. That's what it has got to be that holds me back. Fear and laziness. What else could it be? I've just got to go. 


So the goal is to have three planned exercise sessions a week. These can include any combination of the following:

• 45-60 minutes walking around the Harbour
• 45-60 minutes at the gym doing a combination of cardio and weight resistance training
• 30-45 minutes swimming laps

Hardcore facts to think about to keep me on track: Regular physical activity can...

• Help prevent heart disease, stroke and high blood pressure
• Reduce the risk of developing type II diabetes and some cancers
• Help build and maintain healthy bones, muscles and joints reducing the risk of injury 
• Promote psychological wellbeing.

I'll weigh in tomorrow morning as usual and set weight loss goal then. Basically I want to get back to losing a kilo a week. 


There is no one else that can do this but me! I've got the band, the psychotherapy skills, the cooking and food knowledge skills as well as the exercise equipment - all the tools to get me to be the happy, healthy and slim gorgeous woman that I want to be! 


Now I've just got to deal with the short term discomfort in order to accomplish the long term gain.

I CAN DO IT!

I HAVE TO DO IT!

I am never going to be completely happy with myself while I still look in the mirror and see a fat woman looking back at me. 


The last three issues are uni work, spending and getting back to work. As this post is pretty long already I'll leave those for another day.


I'm feeling pumped to get started on this diet/exercise challenge as soon as I get my fill on Tuesday.  So my ten day challenge starts on 11 January and concludes on 20 January. The diet doesn't end there, but hopefully this 10 day kick start will get the kegs moving again.



If you made it this far... thanks for reading.


V.

This week can't be over soon enough!

I can't believe I've survived the last week. I'm just so happy it is nearly all over.


So after my last post about getting an appointment for an unfill for next Monday, I woke up Thursday morning and decided I could not wait any longer. I called the clinic again and told them water and yogurt were coming back up and I couldn't hack it any more. Luckily the lovely receptionist said she could get me in to see the doctor that day at 1.40pm. The appointment was at their rooms at the SAN hospital in  Wahroonga (the one that to me, is out Woop Woop (ie far away)). Luckily my mum gave me instructions on how to get there quicker than the old sat nav in our car had given me. It also stopped raining on Thursday and the traffic was relatively light at that time of day so the trip only took me 40 minutes.


The doctor explained that I probably had a lot of swelling around the band making it much tighter than it should be. He took .75ml out and I felt immediate relief. He was so nice about it and completely understanding even though I'd had to come back three times to get it right.


I was so hungry that after I left the clinic I drove to our local shopping centre and bought stuff to cook dinner for the family. I grabbed a small meat pie from the baker which I enjoyed immensely as it was the first solid food I'd eaten in nearly a week.


That night I cooked the most beautiful lamb and lentil dish for the family. I only managed about half a cup because I'd been snacking since the unfill.


By about 8.30pm Thursday night I began to get a yucky feeling in my tummy. I went to the loo and well, it was pretty gross. I had the runs big time. That night I was up four times through the night as my body tried to evacuate everything I'd eaten. When I got out of bed Friday morning I was extremely crook. I started vomiting then too. Not PB style but proper stomach spasm style but there was nothing to come up. It was extraordinarily uncomfortable.


It was so lucky that my parents were down from the Mountains because I needed help with Noo. They took over and I was able to stay in bed in between visits to the toilet. I called my GP to ask him to send a prescription for Maxolon down to my pharmacist. Maxolon is for nausea and I thought if I just took a few of those I'd be ok. How wrong was I! Even though I had taken Maxolon all through the first trimester of my pregnancy because I was so sick with morning sickness with no problem, this time it had a major side effect. 


Has anyone heard of restless leg syndrome (RLS)? I can't remember the formal name for it. Basically I get RLS a lot, mainly in my hips. Its where you get this feeling like you can't sit still and your joints kind of ache. It is mostly experienced at night, just when I'm trying to go to sleep. Pregnant women get it a lot too. I also get it badly with some meds but I'd never experienced it before with Maxolon. I didn't even realise it was the Maxolon which had caused it yesterday.


By about 5.30pm last night it had become almost unbearable. Not only did I have the RLS in my legs and hips, but also in my shoulders and wrists. I couldn't sit still. I was pacing up and down the apartment wringing my hands and fidgeting and generally feeling absolutely atrocious. I started crying hysterically and begging for help.


My parents had a concert at the Opera House to go to and even though they didn't want to waste their tickets worth hundreds of dollars, they stayed home to help me. Dad took me to our local emergency room while Mum looked after Noo. I swear my parents are the most wonderful people. They are always coming to my rescue.


The hospital we go to is always pretty quiet compared to some of the bigger hospitals in our area. I only had to wait about 1 hour before I got to see a doctor. In that hour I paced the waiting room all the while wringing my hands together as the restlessness took over my limbs.


When I finally got in to see the doctor I explained about having a bout of gastro, after not being able to eat or drink much over the previous six days because of my band. I also told him about the horrible RLS. The doctor explained the Maxolon can often cause RLS as a side effect of the medication. So that was what was making me feel horrific! 


I ended up staying at the hospital for about four hours while I had blood taken and a drip attached with a medicine that would stop the RLS, as well as another anti nausea medication and saline to rehydrate me. I also had chest and abdominal x-rays taken... why? I don't know.


I snoozed on and off under those horrible fluorescent lights and with the sound of drunk people coming in with various complaints (it was Friday night after all). Dad came and picked me up at around 10.30pm when I was feeling considerably better.


I'm just so glad that the whole episode is nearly over. I still feel pretty crap while I try to get some food and water into me. I just can't believe how I unlucky I was to get a gastro bug after I'd just got my band unfilled. 


I'm sorry I haven't caught up on other's blogs lately. What with being sick and starting uni, I haven't had much time. I hope everyone else in blog land is having a better time of it than me.


V. 

Calling for a tiny unfill

I'm going to try and do more quickie posts more often rather than only two long posts a week.

I'm still quite restricted. Yesterday I felt heaps better being able to eat soup and some cheese and crackers and a whole protein shake but this morning I haven't been able to get my coffee down. I am really grateful for the advice everyone gave me and I'm now thinking you guys could be right. So I'm going to make an appointment for early next week at Crows Nest (there is no way I'm driving all the way out bush again!) to get a small unfill.

I miss eating! And even though I just joined a gym there's no way I'm gonna put myself through a spin class while my calorie intake is so slow. I'd pass out for sure!

Plus I'm feeling crabby today. Yesterday I was in great mood but today I'm feeling moody and tired and headachy. Defo time to make the call...

Thanks ladies again for your comments.

V.

In and out of the zone

Wow! It has been a very eventful week for me with the band. I've been in the orange, green and red zones and everything in between.


For those readers who are not familiar with the zones, these refer to the level of restriction we have (see excellent diagram below). If a bandit is in the orange zone that means that there is not enough restriction and the person can eat more than a cup of food at meals and is frequently hungry between meals. The red zone is at the opposite end of the spectrum and the bandit has trouble eating and even trouble drinking clear fluids, often to the point of bringing up whatever they have tried to consume. This is often referred to as PBing - productive burping, which is as gross as it sounds and is often accompanied by a lot of slime. The green zone is where we all aim for. The sweet spot it is often called. The place where the band has the right amount of fill so we can comfortably eat about a half to a cup of normal healthy food and be satisfied and not wanting to snack constantly between meals. This is the Holy Grail of banding. 

Copyright Monash University Centre for Obesity Research and Education

Last Monday I recorded a loss of only 300 grams (just over half a pound) which must be why I didn't write about it last week. That day I had an appointment with the doctor for my second fill. I told him that I was well and truly in the orange zone (and had been for a while as documented in my previous post: It's hard to be good without you (restriction)). He asked me how I felt just after I got the first adjustment and I told him that I was initially very restricted and couldn't really eat solids until about a week later (see my previous post: First fill - first almost PB for detail). I told him how I continued to eat solids when I probably should have kept to a couple of days of liquids and mushies as I think I caused some swelling by eating too soon. I was really surprised that he actually disagreed with me by saying I should be able to eat as normal just after a fill. No wonder I didn't remember him saying anything about liquids that first time.


So because of my not being able to eat solids straight away he thought it better that we go a bit slower this time around and only put in 0.5ml taking me up to around 5ml in my 10ml Allergan band. I didn't disagree with him so left not long after. My next appointment was made for 22 December.


That night and for the three days that followed I really didn't feel much change at all. Needless to say I was pretty disappointed as I really want to get to my goal of 85kg by the time we go away for Christmas, and by continuing to be in the orange zone, I'd probably not make it. So Thursday morning I called up the clinic and asked for another appointment. I was very lucky that they could squeeze me in the next day.


On Thursday too, I joined a gym.  We have one in the building but I'm so crap at going and I really miss my spin classes. I have not told anyone about the gym. Only you guys now. You know why? Because I have joined so many different gyms in the past and wasted the membership by not going. At a cost of $56 a fortnight, having that much taken out of my account is gonna sting too. This place is 20 minutes drive from me but it is a women's gym and has a crèche as well as a sensible class timetable with spins at 10am most mornings. All the gyms around me are city gyms with classes before work, lunchtime and after work - all times that are inconvenient to me, and don't have somewhere for Noo to play if I need to take him. I figured I'll tell my fam after I've been going consistently for a few weeks. It is only a six month contract, so I haven't signed my life away.


Thursday night I cooked a beautiful Wagu steak for mum and me for dinner. Mum did a delicious salad. Two bites in and I got stuck, badly stuck. So much so I had to walk around the apartment, pacing up and down the hall jumping and punching my chest trying to relieve the discomfort. Noo joined in too, thinking it was hilarious watching his mum acting like a crazy woman. I know, I know, we're not suppose to eat steak, but I've never had a problem with red meat cooked medium rare... so far, at least.


Friday morning, my breakfast took a little longer to get down and when I took Noo over to visit my brother the fresh pikelets he cooked on the BBQ were a little uncomfortable going down as well. What to do? What to do? Were these signs I had got in the green zone finally, four days after the fill on Monday? Or was it just a little swelling from the steak incident the night before and would probably go down soon anyway?


I'd made the appointment and felt obliged to go. It was miles away though. At least an hour's drive. The usual rooms I go to are 10 minutes from my apartment but this appointment was in Wahroonga which is ages away for me. I had to drive through a national park to get there because sat nav took me the most convoluted way. The whole time I was thinking, am I doing the right thing? What the hell am I doing out here in the bush?


When I arrived I explained things to the doc but left out the fact I'd got stuck the night before. I thought, I'm here now, he might as well put a bit in to make sure my restriction was good to last me through to the end of December. He took all the saline out of the band to check how much was in there and then put it all back plus another half a mil. Big mistake... on my part, not his. I should have told him about the steak and the pikelets because oh am I paying for it now.


Even though when I drank a class of water in the clinic I was kind of ok, by Friday evening I was struggling with liquid so missed out on dinner. Noo was up half the night vomiting for some reason (he was fine Saturday morning) and I could barely manage a sip of water while getting up to change sheets and pajamas and mop up vomit. Saturday morning I felt just terrible. Dehydrated and lacking in sleep and we were packing up to go away for the night with my sister and her husband.


Mum, dad, Noo and I bundled into the car and headed north, stopping at a servo on the way for fuel and a drink. I got a chocolate milk as I thought I'd be able to manage some more fluids and the milk would make me feel better. Wrong. I PBed it straight up into a plastic bag. Gross. From then on I only took the tiniest of sips of water and by the time we reached the Central Coast I felt horrific.


My sister and her husband got to the house a couple of days before so were all settled. They are so great with Noo so took over while I just laid around trying not to focus on the terrible headache and nausea I felt. I basically dozed the entire day. It was a pretty nice place to sloth around in...

The view from the deck

I've mentioned loads of times before about my family and food. Well they cooked up a storm all weekend with dishes ranging from grain fed beef tenderloin with salsa verde and free range, pasture reared organic chooks with walnut, beetroot and goats cheese salad and vegies, bread... the works! Mum also made the Mangomisu we had on my birthday as well as a chocolate cake. While they all ate the weekend away, I sucked on ice cubes and tried not to cry about my rotten dehydration headache.


Things improved slightly Sunday morning and I was able to keep a fair bit of water down and a cup of coffee. I was buzzing like crazy from the coffee so was able to join in rather than just sleep. Some friends came up for lunch but I just sat up the end of the table with a Gatorade and fed Noo.

Buzzed on caffeine and getting through my second day without food 

By Sunday evening things improved a bit more. I had a cocktail party to go to with some friends who were visiting from London. It was a lovely evening and the most delicious looking canapés were served. I refused all those offered and only sipped on water. 


The best thing about the night was everyone's amazement at the weight I've lost. The compliments came thick and fast and I loved every minute of it, which kind of made up for the dizziness and the gnawing stomach. I even told people why I couldn't eat. I explained about my surgery and that I got a little too much saline put in but all would be ok in the end. At around 8pm I even managed some soft cheese and a couple of spoonfuls of guacamole. That was all I had eaten since breakfast Friday morning.


Today has been tough again. I've kept water down all day and have eaten two small pieces of soft cheddar cheese. For lunch I had a small skim cappuccino. For dinner I tried to eat the insides of a meat pie Noo was having for dinner, but it got stuck. I didn't PB though. I've just had about a quarter of a cup of Asian chicken broth which has stayed down too.


To all you bandits out there, what would you do in my situation? Would you go back for an unfill asap so you could eat again? Or would you ride it out and wait for the restriction to go down a bit by itself first? I'm so worried if I go back I'll get back in the orange zone and be eating again. Especially after almost four days of fasting. But how long can I sustain this for? The doctor said you can survive without eating but not without drinking water and I can drink water. Plus today's weigh in sees me at 88kg! That makes me 12kg (26.5lb) down! I want to keep that going. I'm not really hungry most of the time but I don't have my normal energy levels and at times I feel faint.


The crazy thing is that I think I was in the green zone Friday morning and I missed it. It is still early days with my band so I wasn't to know for sure, but I'm pretty certain I've learnt my lesson now. A fill adjustment can take days to take effect and I shouldn't rush back for second appointments until at least a couple of weeks post fill.


So fellow bandits, help me here... what would you do?


V.

It's hard to be good without you (restriction)

I am hungry!

I do not like this sensation.

I need a fill badly and my appointment is a couple of weeks away still. I am trying to be so good, but its hard to be good without you.... hahaha... that's a Vince Jones lyric. He's a jazz singer/muso here in Aus. I don't know if he wrote the song It's Hard To Be Good, but its in my head a lot because that's how I feel right now... Anyway, I'm famished. My will power has vanished. Five weeks between fills, especially this early on in the process, is too long.

I have been keeping a food diary since Monday to really see where I'm fucking this up. The big problem as far as I can see, is that I eat out way too much, and I'm unorganised. I don't plan meals ahead of time. Plus having a fussy eater for a kid makes it hard too. Having a kid full stop is hard when it comes to food. I've got to have cheese and full cream milk and sausages and fish fingers, etc in the house that I normally wouldn't have if it wasn't for Noo. Not that I'm blaming Noo Noo for my poor diet. I'm just pointing it out as another obstacle to my staying on track and losing weight.

So here's my food diary for the last three days, the bad stuff is in red:

Monday

Breakfast - 1/2 tub of Ski De-Lite yogurt

Snack - Uncle Toby's yogurt top muesli bar

Lunch - yum cha - Sky Phoenix, 1 scoop Chocolate ice cream - Westfield foodcourt

Snack - 1 mum's macarons

Dinner - 1/2 cup fruit salad, 1 fish finger, 1/2 cup chilli con carne - cooked by me with lean mince - served with 1 tablespoon shredded cheese, 1 teaspoon light sour cream

Tuesday

Breakfast - 1/2 tub of Ski De-Lite yogurt, 1 cup melon

Snack - Carmen's muesli bar

Lunch - 1/2 small serve ma po tofu pork - TAFE canteen

Snack - 1 cup melon

Dinner - 1 slice lean roast pork, 1/2 baked potato, 1 small piece kumera, gravy and apple sauce - cooked by mum

Ma po tofu pork - I only ate half of this small serve

Wednesday

Breakfast - 1 tub of Ski De-Lite yogurt

Snack - none

Lunch - 1/2 serve tuna salad, handful thick cut hot chips, 1 scoop banana ice cream - Westfield foodcourt

Snack - 1 handful raw cashews

Dinner - 2 thin pure beef sausages, 3 macarons, 1 snack pack of mini cookies

There's way too much red in there! And I've only done one session of exercise so far this week too. I have excuses for that, but really? There's too many excuses! I know it's boring for you, the reader, to see my food diary, but to actually see it typed up like that really makes me stop and think. Its all about control. Control is something I lack. That's why I got the band in the first place. I know, I know... its a tool, not a magic wand, I've got to work it. These times in between appointments are the killer.

Its still early days. I'm only one fill down and I've lost nearly 10 kilos (20lb) in 10 weeks so I should really be happy, right? I just expected the green zone to be found sooner and the weight to drop off faster and to not feel hungry between meals ever again.

There's six weeks until Christmas can you believe it! I had really hoped to get to 80kg by the time we went down the coast for our holidays but it looks like I need to be a bit more realistic. My new goal is 85kg by Christmas. That means, eating better and exercising more and finding a new song to get into my head!

V.

A restricted week

Mondays are my weigh in day and I'm pleased to say I'm down another kilo to 91kg. I'm stoked but not surprised. The last week, since my first fill, have been difficult days with the band. I've been massively restricted and have experienced a lot of discomfort eating and drinking almost anything and everything. Either the 4mls I now have in my band was a lot to get started on or I did some damage that first day post fill by eating solid food which got stuck and therefore caused everything to swell down there. Either way, I've eaten very little since my weigh in last week.

Today I'm still feeling good restriction, much more than I was just before the fill, but less than last week. I really have to be mindful while I eat - which is the whole point of a lap band, isn't it? I must concentrate on the serving size, bite size and chewing time for each and every meal. Last night I had my first proper solid meal in a week and it was delicious. I managed to eat two medium rare lamb chops which my mum had marinated and cooked to perfection, with a piece of brocolini and two small roasted vine ripened tomatoes. Absolutely divine.

During the week I pretty much stuck to liquids but was lucky to be able to eat Cruskits and Corn Thins. For some reason they went down really easily. I love both with Vegemite or honey (or peanut butter, but I've stayed clear of that!). Delicious!

Arrrgh, I have blogger's block. Words are not coming to me easily tonight. I think I may be getting ill. Noo has had croup all weekend so we've had some tough nights with him coughing all through the night waking both of us up. Poor little thing. He's a tough one though. Still smiles all the time even when he's sick.

I'm going to keep this brief and say good night now.

V.

Tightening continues

Oh goodness, I'm back to how I was in the first days post op and have loads of restriction. I can't eat anything really. Well nothing remotely solid or even mushie so it is back to fluids for me. 

Started the morning with a black coffee and water to take my meds with. Was stoked my tabs went down no probs. Attempted some low fat plain yogurt and tiny bits of watermelon but it was no good, the coffee was all I could manage.

I spent the morning at TAFE and as time wore on to about 10ish I started to feel quite hungry but I couldn't leave the class until 12. By the time lunchtime came around I was headachy and nauseous from the lack of sustenance. I rushed back home straight after class and made a skinny milk Milo as soon as I got in which was delicious. I had to sip, sip, sip and it took me about an hour to finish but at least it quelled my hunger somewhat.

Milo rocks!
Image owned by Nestle

Not long after the Milo I was hungry again so I thought I'd try some soft eggs. Uh oh, no. This was about half an hour ago and I'm still kind of feeling it where the egg got stuck for about 10 minutes.

These last two days with the band have certainly been a learning experience:

Lesson 1 - Ask the doctor more questions if information required is not immediately forthcoming.

Lesson 2 - Always play it safe: first start with liquids and then work your way up from there.

This it for today. Hope all is well out in Blogland.

V.

First fill - first almost PB

So I had my first fill yesterday. Also found out I had 3mls in there already and my doctor added another ml making it 4mls all up. Whatever that means... I don't even know the capacity of the thing. Must ask next time. It was very quick and stung a little but overall not too bad an experience. My port area was tender afterwards but when I woke up this morning it was fine.

Its been strange the last 24 hours trying to be more conscious of what and how I eat again. Prior to the adjustment I'd been eating healthy food quite freely. When I got home after my appointment and had a glass of water and I pretty much felt a difference straight away. Not major, but definitely having to sip more that gulp. For dinner we had leftovers of the delicious chicken cacciatore with rissoni my mum had made for dinner the night before. So, so good. I only had half what I ate the first time we had it which was a good sign.

Today, I really started to notice a difference. I wasn't quite sure what to have for brekky but I knew I was hungry. Started with a black coffee and a glass of water. All good. We were low on supplies so I ended up having four Cruskits with Vegemite and olive spread which sustained me til about 11am. Cruskits are delicious but they are very high GI and generally not great nutritionally, but they are pretty easy to eat as they just kind of melt in the mouth. My son loved them in the early days of starting on solids when he still didn't have any teeth so I figured they'd be ok to get through the band when crunched with my full set of gnashers.

The trouble came at lunch. Mum, Noo and I went to the markets to pick up some fresh fruit and vegies and so Noo could play in the playground there. I don't know about markets in other cities in Australia, but in markets all over Sydney there is always a Turkish Gozleme stall available. If you don't know what Gozleme is or have never tasted it, it is the most delicious way you can eat spinach on the planet. 

Turkish Gozleme
(picture borrowed from herdaily.com)

It comes with different fillings but I would say the most popular is cheese and spinach. I also love it with mince lamb. Oh god, it is good. Its kind of a doughy crepe like mixture which is spread on a bbq plate, filling added, turned over and grilled until the dough is all crispy and yummy and sensational at around $8 a plate - a total winner. Not sure of calories, but anyway, I've gone on way more than necessary.

So mum and I got a plate of Gozleme to share. I ate two pieces very, very slowly, chewing, chewing, chewing. No probs at all. Then Noo made a dash from where we were sitting outside on the lawn back into the market. My anxiety levels rose as he started bolting between people and market stalls and I nearly knocked a woman carrying a fresh cup of coffee to the ground trying to catch him. Aaaahhh, its hard having a bolter! 

So a combination of Gozleme sitting in my pouch, high anxiety and then, once I caught Noo again and got him back to our table, I took a big gulp of his apple juice without thinking. BIG mistake! By this stage mum had taken over Noo patrol and they were over the other side of the lawn when halfway through the juice going down I knew I was in trouble. I still had more juice swilling around my gob but I didn't want to just spit it out in front of all the parents and kids enjoying their picnics in the sun so I swallowed it. Another BIG mistake. The pain was full on and incredibly uncomfortable. I could feel the juice and the dough and spinach kind of competing with one another to squeeze down the hole and into my stomach. And then the burps began. 

Mum was still over the other side of the grassed area with Noo running in circles around her. I was staring in their direction trying to send telepathic messages of SOS, I NEED HELP, I'M GONNA SPEW!

Froth started to rise up my throat, nausea was rocking through my body as I stood there not moving, as straight as a pole and white as a ghost willing for the episode to end. My eyes darted from the picnickers 3 metres on my right to the wheelie bin 4 metres in front of me and then to the grandmother on the next table just to the left. Should I just run to the bin and vomit it up? I could just pretend I was preggers with number two and morning sickness was the cause of the public oral evacuation of my stomach. What to do? What to do?

But before I knew it the food fell through. The relief was incredible. I quickly piled up the stroller with our stuff and walked over to mum (still being circled by Noo and another little boy by then) so thankful that I still had my pride intact. I've got to tell you though, I felt terrible for about half an hour. Not just physically, but emotionally. I was really rocked by the whole affair. I just hope I have learnt my lesson. Choose food wisely, chew properly, avoid fluids during a meal and keep the bolter bolted down while I'm trying to eat my lunch!

Now time to attempt dinner...

V.

Gym, weight loss, fill (tomorrow)

This week has started well. Woke up to sunny skies this morning. That's two days in a row now which is great after a week of yucky volatile spring weather with rain and clouds and wind. And Noo is sleeping in til around 7.30am which is a massive sleep in when you're used to getting up at around 6am.

Took us ages to get ready with Noo back on his hunger strike/fussy eating behaviour. Drives me crazy that a child of mine could have "food issues". I just hope he grows out of them. We finally got out the door at around 9.30am, though it was hard getting the poor little thing down to kindy. This is common on a Monday after he's been with me for three days, especially if we've had a really fun weekend like this one.

Noo's day care centre is down the bottom of a very steep hill. I hate this hill. I even sometimes drive him down even though the centre is only just half a block away, about 250 metres or so, from our building. Seriously not far at all except for that bloody hill. There's no getting out of it by going around the block the other way because the centre is at the bottom of a kind of valley of steep road. Its steep no matter which way from the bottom you get back up. Its especially hard pushing up a 13kg boy in a stroller although most the time I get Noo to walk with his little teddy bear reins on.

So this morning, Noo didn't want to go to kindy, and he knew which direction we were going so I had to carry all 13 kegs down the hill. It was hard, but not as hard as carrying him up the hill, which I've done plenty of times.

I talk in detail about this as I am determined to beat this hill. One day, and one day soon, I will be able get up this hill and not huff and puff, but actually enjoy the vista it looks out on and get to the top feeling energised and ready to do it again.

This morning once Noo had settled with his little classmates I powered up that hill and straight into our building and into the gym, then straight on to the rowing machine to do 1000 metres. I was shocked I still had it in me! I haven't been to the gym since January! I huffed and I puffed and I went red in the face, but I did it!

After the rower, I did 3 sets of 20 bicep curls, 10 minutes fast walking on the treadmill and 5 mins on the bike. Not a massive workout but great all the same. Success! I felt great! I'm back.

To top it all off I think I've dropped 1.4kg. I say I think I've lost that much because the scales I usually weigh myself on have carked it and need a new battery (I'm off for a walk to Office Works this arvo to get one) so I had to use the other scales we have. They are usually about two kilos less than mine (which I bought from Boots in London, and strangely because of this, I love them). These other scales said I weighed... wait for it... 90kgs! Its just too good to be true! That would be my lowest weight since giving birth, but I know they are cheat's scales so that's why I added 2 kegs which would bring me to 92kg and therefore down 1.4kg from last week's weigh in number.

Still very exciting! Especially after a couple of slow loss weeks and especially after a week of almost normal eating.

After the gym I was desperate for a carbo load of pasta (especially seeing as after my fill tomorrow I probably won't stomach too many complex carbs).

I just chucked this delicious combo together with what I had in the fridge:

Tuna and avocado pasta

 

One nest of angel hair pasta

Half a small can of Italian tuna in olive oil

Half a tiny avocado

Chopped red onion

Pepper and salt

White balsamic vinegar

Little extra olive oil

Sprinkle of parmesan

So, so yummy! I had that about 2 hours ago and I'm still very satisfied.

As I've mentioned about 20 times in my last few posts tomorrow is my first appointment for a fill. It is at 3pm AEST so anyone reading can think of me then. Hahaha. Not really, but it is exiting, isn't it... been to the gym, dropped 1 and a half kegs and a fill tomorrow! What's not to be excited about!

Yay! Feeling on top of the world. Off to get this battery. I need an official weight asap.

Ciao for now.

V.