Make some changes and get a life

19 days into the new year and nothing has changed. I feel so stagnant, almost paralysed. Change is obviously what I need but so much fear holds me back from doing anything. I'm tired and bored and irritate easily.

I need to get a job.

I'm the only one who can take the turn off.
Picture borrowed from Lifehack.org

Yuck! I wrote those couple of lines above a few days ago. Nothing has changed but I don't feel as desperate as I did on Thursday. At least I don't think I do.

Mum and dad have taken Noo away for a couple of days so I can have a break. I miss him badly already. Whenever I drop him at school I don't feel bad. I know he loves preschool. But for some reason I'm racked with mother's guilt this afternoon. I feel guilty for shipping him off. For feeling like a need a break from parenting.

People have started to notice I'm not feeling 100%. My parents and even a couple of my friends have asked if I am ok. I don't know what to say. Most people think I have an easy life. I only have one child and I don't work and I live with my parents. Life should be simple right?

These are the things that are worrying me at the moment:

1. My diet is shocking. I have sugar everyday. I crave it. My band is in the perfect place. I have to eat slowly, consciously chewing small mouthfuls of non starchy foods. Oats and prunes for breakfast, salad for lunch, protein and veggies for dinner. Great. I'm satiated after about an entrée size portion. Even better. The problem is in between meals I crave snacky stuff like popcorn or lollies and I never resist the bad stuff. Also after dinner I have to have chocolate or ice cream or both. Usually I have a small cone with low fat vanilla ice cream with crushed peanuts and Ice Magic on top. To die for... literally.

My weight is hovering around 80-82kg. I have been this weight most of my adult life. While it is so much better than being between 100-102kg I'm still 10kg short of my goal. I feel fat and ugly. I feel like I'm aging so fast now. I feel like I've wasted the best years of my life being fat. Who cares if I'm a bit overweight when I'm old? Now is when it matters. Especially seeing as I'd like to find a 'mate'. And I don't want a fat partner either. I think it is disgusting if I'm honest. My gut, my legs, my arse, my arms. Fucking disgusting. I find it completely repellent on a man too. I'm not saying I need a perfect Michelle Bridges 12 fucking wbt body. Just a normal size 12 would be awesome. Why the fuck then can't I stick to any diet? Why do I shove that chocolate in my gob, order that ice cream, buy those lollies, bake those chocolate chip bikkies? Why?

2. Exercise is currently not a part of my life. But I want it to be. Fear holds me back. I bought a 10 pack of visits to Fitness First that I have to use before March. I went the first time last year when I was attempting 12wbt. I liked the class but the gym scared me. Living in the city the nearest gyms to me are obviously frequented by city workers. I went to the Bond Street Fitness First and it was full of hot men and women who were so fit and fabulous and generally intimidating for a fatty like me. Sounds like such a bad excuse, and it is I know, but I can't seem to get past it. I haven't been to our gym downstairs either. I'm just so fucking slack. Slack and lazy.

3. Uni has started freaking me out. I dropped out last study period because my heart wasn't in it any more. My anxiety was through the roof because I was also trying to find a job and doing RSVP trying to find a man as well as trying to do 12wbt by the book and failing. Something had to give so I gave up uni. My first application for special circumstances was rejected but finally my second was accepted. I've enrolled again in the same subject for the next study period which is a relief but I'm worried I'll fail again. The study period doesn't begin until 27 February so I really should use this time wisely and get started on redoing assignment 1 ahead of time.

4. The work situation scares me witless! I don't even want to write about it really. I know I need a job for my own sanity but having that kind of commitment terrifies me. For too long I haven't been expected anywhere really. Noo is the only one that makes me do anything and that is for love so it is ok. He loves me even when I fuck up. What if I actually do get a job and I don't do it right or I wake up every morning again hyperventilating with anxiety about having to go and perform around a bunch of strangers. And this market is so tight! Especially for part time admin roles. I've had so many rejections. Before my breakdown I got every job I ever interviewed for. I'm excellent at what I do but I can't seem to get a foot in the door anywhere now.

So that is it I think. My poor me middle class problems.

I should stop whining and start doing but I'm so tired. I need another life changing epiphany. That lightning bolt. That breakthrough. Just some sort of kick up the arse that gets me moving again.

V.

Changing course: what I wanna be when I grow up

Oh I have been a busy bee. I've been trying to read blogs when I can but this has been my first chance to write. I have a new desk which is great, but rather than having my laptop in the lounge room so I can be with Noo while he plays and I type, I'm now tucked away in our bedroom which makes it harder to spend as much time as I was working on my blog. 


Lots has been happening. I dropped out of my web design course at TAFE and enrolled into a Bachelor of Arts (Internet Communications) through Open Universities to study by correspondence. This year at TAFE has not gone to waste though. I have gained so much knowledge and insight into the World Wide Web and confirmed my love for and interest in it. I have also been able to narrow down where my interests lie in this broad field. Basically I am no programmer. I attempted to learn the basics of JavaScript twice and still couldn't pass. My heart wasn't in it because it just didn't come naturally to me and I really think programming has to be something you just get otherwise it is such a struggle.

Working towards a BA Online Communications

To give you some background, I have worked in office administration for my whole career. I was a bloody good admin assistant too. Organised, a good communicator, efficient and very computer literate. I have always had a job. When I left school after year 12 I started working as a junior secretary and worked my way up to be a senior executive assistant with various employers. I was in my last role for nearly 8 years.  For a long time I loved what I did but after my breakdown in 2007 I just couldn't go back to the job I'd always enjoyed. I was burnt out. Over it.


Taking time out of the workforce to heal my shattered soul has also given me lots of time to reflect on the choices I've made and the path my life has taken. It has also given me the opportunity to make changes to turn my life into something extraordinary - well, that is the part I'm up to now. After changing where I lived (moving from London back to Sydney), my lifestyle (getting sober) and my family status (having a baby), I am now ready to change my career.


As work takes up such an enormous part of our lives I think it is so important that we do something we love if we can. So for me, to now be gaining a better understanding of what I want to do and to have the confidence to make this career change while in my mid 30s, it is a very exciting step forward.


I am frightened though. Who wouldn't be? It has been a long time coming, and there is a lot at stake, but I am getting more brave with every day that passes. I've enrolled to do the first two units of my degree over the next three months and then I'm thinking the next step is to get some work experience with an online marketing/web design agency while studying at the same time. Argh! Until recently, I couldn't even think about work, let alone talk/write about it, without feeling extremely anxious and nauseous. Even typing this post has taken me ages. I don't really expect anybody to read this one as it is not band related and it babbles on too much but it is therapy for me.


So, what do I want to be? I want to be involved in the process that helps businesses develop their entire online strategy. From building their website, to using social media for marketing, search engine optimisation... everything. Well, that is the general idea, but I am sure over time as I study more and get some agency experience, I will be able to narrow it down further. If anyone out there reading this has any advice for me in this area, I'd love to read a comment about it.


So there we have it. I am now a university student. I'm very excited about this next step and will keep you posted with how it all goes.


I will post tomorrow with band news.


V.