Monday, March 17, 2014

Writing as therapy: Fear and judgement

I have writer's block. Again. This block is a big one with the label "FEAR" etched across it. And so I find myself again blogging about my fear of blogging.

Makes for boring reading, no?

It's not like I don't have anything to say. I've got a list of blog titles and even folders of photos to accompany some of them, but actually sitting here and writing it up seems like such a chore.

I don't think I'm consciously worried about stats. In fact my unique monthly hits are higher than they ever have been, despite my slow blogging. And I'm pretty sure there's not too many of you (if any) out there hanging out for my next post. But I still feel that I should  be getting my words out ("Use your words, Vanessa"). For me. For my son. Maybe. I don't know why.

I'm going through a really blah period of my life. I have no real passion for anything. Of course, my five year old is everything to me, and my love and excitement for Noo will never cease. But the rest of life? Blah.

Boredom makes me hyper-aware of all that ails me - my knee which needs surgery later this year, my coccyx which is arthritic and worn thanks to that fateful night way back in 2007, constant constipation thanks to psych medication that I just can't survive without, headaches, anxiety about money, weight woes, loneliness...

Truth be told, I probably have too much time on my hands. I know what I want/need to do but as always fear holds me back.

Once again I fear the possible repercussions of my writing. Someone dear to me (who shall remain nameless) said by putting our (and by "our" I mean bloggers, Twitterers, Facebookers, celebrities, anyone on social media or in the public eye) life online we open ourselves up and invite criticism and judgement. That basically if you get bullied for what you've disclosed online, you kind of deserve it, because if you didn't expose yourself to the world you wouldn't have gotten bullied in the first place.

Personally, I call bullshit. Because it's kind of the same as saying if I didn't go out on Friday 17 April 2007 and get drunk, then I wouldn't have been raped. This theory places the responsibility and blame for the crime on me, the victim, rather than on he/she  the rapist/bully.

I have never been trolled online which I'm so grateful for. I've read what some people say about some bloggers and it fills me with dread that anyone could possibly dissect my life like that. But I don't think those trolls or forums which facilitate them should be banned. I regard freedom of speech as one of the most important values in our society. Banning such sites would do more harm than good as a whole. But, what I don't understand, is how anyone could even think of those things to say about people, let alone publish them publicly in order to ridicule them.

A lot of what I've published here has taken a huge amount of courage and a massive chunk of my heart and soul has gone into putting the words together. I told the story about my past problems with drugs and alcohol, about being raped, about my endless struggles with mental illness because I want to help people. I want others who may be in a similar situation know they are not alone.

But I'm not just fearful of what I blog about, I'm scared about what people in the real world might say/think about me if they got to know me. I avoid social situations. I fear the question "So, what do you do?".

I don't know what the fuck I do. I survive each day. Is that not enough?

I stand by my belief that the only way to kill stigma is to talk about the things that some sections of society try to shame us about. For some reason I feel I need to reaffirm this belief to myself, and to you, so I can keep writing. Hiding in the shadows is only going to feed the fear. Standing up and declaring who I am and owning it should surely make me stronger.

So here I am:

Hello my name is Vanessa and

    I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict

      I suffer from have PTSD, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder and ADHD

        I take various psychiatric medications

            I have a lap-band and weigh about 92 kg

               I have been a victim of violent crime on three separate occasions in my life

                     I'm a single parent

                          I don't have a job

Fear and judgement can kiss my arse

I'm sick of living a fearful life.

The truth of it is, the only troll in my life is me. I am my own worst enemy and most critical judge.

Build a bridge, Vanessa, and get over it. Fear can kiss your arse!


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Debbish said...

I understand where you're coming from here. I sometimes feel I have too much time on my hands, but then at times I feel overwhelmed with everything I'm supposed to be doing. I like to think that working part-time gives me a better balance (though not really enough money to live on!). I sometimes add things to my agenda thinking busier will be better, but then start to feel overwhelmed. *Sigh*

Like you I sometimes think that just getting through the day is enough. Though yesterday it was doing my grocery shopping which was my big achievement as I'd talked about it for days (and days) and was starting to become a bit phobic about it!

Lady Jewels Diva said...

Good for you!

Let me tell ya, whether it's real life or the internet, even if you don't give them anything to gossip about they will make shit up, so it doesn't matter what you say or do people will ALWAYS find a reason to shit all over you because they don't like themselves.

Farmers Wifey said...

Wow, this is what I love about blogging, honesty, real people not afraid to tell it how it is. I'm now a fan, thank you x Michelle said...

I know what you mean about talking about doing something for ages and then because you've worked yourself up about it, it becomes even scarier. I get like that a lot. This week my fears were challenged but the outcome turned out to be a good one. I had to face the fear about my blog and now the fear is gone. I should really do it more often. V. said...

I have been the subject of gossip many times in my life. I've always tried to tell myself that I'd rather be living a life worth gossiping about than a boring one that no one has anything to say about. Sometimes it does hurt though. Even so, I will continue to say what I have to say whether it is read or not, or bitched about or not. As long as my son doesn't cop it. Then I will go all crazy mumma bear on whoever dare say anything nasty about him. V. said...

Thank you Michelle! V.

Jeanie said...

I too am often brought to a standstill by fear. That paralysis is generally that nasty little voice inside me saying "no-one gives a stuff anyway" - I know I have to start getting my psyche back in order (and on occasion reach for medication) when that voice gets too loud. Sometimes I act accordingly, sometimes I push myself just that bit further - not that there is anything wonderful in the push further, just acceding to that darned little voice.

Who needs trolls when you have that darned little voice...

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