babblingbandit.me does Droptober!

2012: a year of failed attempts to lose weight

As anyone who reads this blog regularly would know I've made a number of attempts this year to get back on the weight loss bandwagon with very little success. It is amazing how easy it has been to fall into old habits, even after successfully losing 20kg since having my lapband installed. To be fair, I have had a lot of issues this year: my mood slid downwards, my lapband had to be loosened and I endured a bad case of anaemia and Restless Leg Syndrome. It was enough to put me right back where I was before weight loss surgery: pigging out on chocolate and lollies and all things bad for me!

I have to get back to crossing off these goals!

Comfort eating: Just don't do it 

Despite weighing 80kg, I started 2012 feeling pretty terrible, going by my blog posts in January. Check this one out. I sound miserable. Life was getting me down. Then a couple of days later my mood has improved somewhat but I'm spewing up food stuck in my lapband.

By February I'm attempting to exercise more but I'm chronically backed up, and telling anyone who'll listen about it. My Restless Leg Syndrome got worse, bringing with it terrible anxiety and exhaustion. What do I do when I'm anxious and tired? Eat all the stuff that is bad for me.

I didn't blog about it at the time but I remember it all too well: It was sometime in late February that I got gastro and spent a lovely evening from 5pm to 2am chucking my guts up. With a lapband, food can go in your mouth, down your throat and slowly through the band and into the stomach. Once it is through to the other side, it ain't coming back UP again. When lapbandits talk about PBing (productive burping) the food that comes up hasn't made it past the band. It has just been sitting in the pouch on top of the band so it doesn't hurt to bring it up.

With every convulsion my body shook and I retched in pain as I felt the foreign body within my abdomen move up and down my oesophagus. After what seems like forever, I finally got my dad to get me to the emergency room. There I was given morphine for the pain and all but 2mls of the fluid in my lap-band was removed to release the pressure around the top of my stomach. A few days later I weighed in at 79kg, the lowest I'd been since I first got my band installed.

I went back to my surgeon later that week and he was very impressed with my weight. He said that 79kg was a very healthy weight for me and suggested I now try to manage my diet without such tight restriction in my band. I agreed.

Attempting to go it alone: Fail

Since then I have attempted to live with low restriction in my lapband so I can eat bread and other carbs, as well as lean protein without having to worry about getting stuck all the time. I was amazed that, even though I could eat without getting stuck, I was still feeling full much quicker than I did pre-lapband. I figured I could eat small portions of good food like normal person.

It didn't take long before my weight slowly started to creep back up so I made several appointments to go back to my surgeon in order to get a fill to increase the restriction in my band, therefore decreasing the amount, and type, of food I could consume. Each time I cancelled. I was so sick of having to be cautious about every little morsel I put in my mouth. The whole cutting up into tiny pieces and chewing carefully and waiting 30 seconds between each mouthful. Eating shouldn't be such a chore! Plus I loved having bread, pasta and rice back in my diet.

But my attempt to eat like a normal person failed. And put on 7 kg.

I thought if only I could give up the bad stuff I'd lose it again. But my addiction to sugar is so strong:  I made a really lame attempt to give up chocolate for a month in a bet with my mum and sister. I failed. And then I tried to quit sugar because that is what everyone else is doing and the kegs are dropping off these people. Not me. Another fail.

It's all about ME

I finally did go back to my surgeon a couple of weeks ago and he put a bit of fill in. Not really enough because I can still eat bread, pasta, rice. I will definitely be going back for more soon but I know I have to do this, lapband or not. Only I can make that mindset change and just fucking do it.

I have learnt so much over the last few months about what's good and what's not. In particular, I've learnt an enormous amount about sugar. Basically, it has got to go.

And this has to be a lifestyle change. It needs to be a package deal: Eat less and better and exercise more.

So...

With just three months left of the year, I am making a pledge to myself and to anyone who would like to sponsor me: I've signed up for Droptober. Not only will your sponsorship give me an enormous about of motivation to stick to my guns, you will also be helping the Children's Charity, Variety.

I've started early because I'm hoping to drop those pesky 7 kg I've put on since March.

This is it. I'm psyched. I'm currently up to day six without chocolate and I've had very little sugar.

I'll be blogging about Droptober through the month.

And if you'd like to help motivate me and at the same time help raise some money for Variety go to my spaceship page here.

Thanks heaps for reading.

V.

A tight start to 2012

Wow! It is 2012.

The end of 2011 was big.

My son had his third birthday and my sister had a baby girl the day before, making me an aunty for the first time. My time off uni was filled with organising Noo's birthday party and driving my sister around from one appointment to another, from shop to shop, as she did the last of the preparations for Mala's birth.

Christmas was quiet. My mum prepared food here and we took it over to my sister's to have it with her new little family. Noo is in awe of his little cousin. It is beautiful to watch how he is with her, with so much gentle amazement.

Noo looks at his beautiful little cousin Mala Grace

Having a first hold of a baby

My band has been tight. Really tight. I think it was really how it should be. Firm enough to make sure eating must be done very slowly, with lots of chewing of tiny little mouthfuls. The only problem is that I was so busy it was so hard to sit down and eat a proper meal at band-speed. With all the running around I was doing I just wanted to be able to grab a quick sandwich, hog it down and be off on the next mission. Of course this isn't possible with a band so I ended up missing a lot of meals, eating a lot of popcorn and drinking a lot of shakes.

I had a scheduled appointment with my band doctor just before Chrissy so asked for a slight unfill. He wasn't pleased about it because I was asking for the little bit to be taken out that I'd asked to be put in when I was attempting the 12wbt. But it's Christmas, I told him! I must have looked crestfallen because after giving me a little rousing off he said he'd take a tiny bit out. And tiny bit it was! I'm glad though because I've made it through Christmas and New Years and I've only gained about 1.4kg. Any gain is shit, I know, but it could have been worse.

Yesterday I had a major getting stuck episode. I was at the pool with Noo and my girlfriends and their kids. All the kids ran to the other side of the pool to play on the little playground. My friends were happy to let their kids play without too much supervision and I was trying to be all cool about it too. At the same time I was eating a cracker and mustn't have chewed enough because it got majorly stuck. I was trying to watch from a distance what the kids were up to and as the anxiety rose my throat must have closed a bit more and my band wrapped itself around that bit of bikkie. No worries I thought, I'll walk over to the playground and make sure everyone's ok and in the meantime the walk will help push the food through.

No such luck. I got Noo back to where our towels and stuff was piled and then went off to the canteen to get a drink and some hot chips for Noo's lunch. I had a big mouthful of Gatorade and that was it. I could feel the crackers and Gatorade moving around in my esophagus fighting their way to get through the hole and down into my stomach. Oh god, it was so painful! The worst getting stuck episode I've had in ages. I had to wait at the canteen for what seemed like yonks for Noo's chippies to be done while all this was happening and I became increasingly aware of my need to purge ASAP!

When finally I could take my drink and the chips back to where we were sitting I ran back to the bathroom and blurgh! Chucked everything right up. God, the relief! The crackers and the snakes (yes, so much for my new year's resolution to cut out lollies!) game up in great gulps.

The thing is I don't mind the spewing. I'm sure I've said it before. The relief is enormous and it's not like it tastes bad like a traditional vomit does. The food hasn't hit the stomach yet so it hasn't been mixed with acid. And as I see the food swirling around the basin I think, well these are calories I don't have to worry about any more!

On the dating front, I have heaps to report. I've written enough for today though so I'll save that for another day.

I hope everyone has had a wonderful start to 2012!

V.

Disappointed

Hello everyone


I haven't written in two weeks and just typing this now is a struggle. I've been really down about my band and haven't wanted to put it into words to be published but I think until I do, this feeling won't go away.


The last time I wrote was before Australia Day when I won a Stylish Blogger Award. That was two weeks ago when I was having trouble getting food down because my band was too tight. In that post I was hoping for a 1kg loss at my next weigh in. Well, when I weighed in on the Monday, after a couple of weeks of getting stuck, I gained! A whole kilo! I couldn't believe it. Having all that restriction and trouble eating and still I gained. I know the week before that I'd been doing that crazy diet of no dairy, no red meat, no carbs, but still. So I rang my surgeon and booked in for an unfill. No use in having all that uncomfortable tightness if it wasn't even helping me lose weight.


I went along to the clinic and my doctor was very nice about it all. He thought it strange though that I was having trouble getting food down, yet I was still hungry all the time. He took out .1ml and ordered a barium swallow, which I'm yet to do. He asked me if I was chewing properly. Was I waiting a full three minutes after the first bite before proceeding with subsequent mouthfuls which are to be taken at 30 seconds intervals? I said he hadn't mentioned the three minute rule for the first bite before, but I would try that in future. 


So since I've had the tiny .1ml of saline taken out, I'm eating much, much more easily. It was such a relief! I still have some restriction, but I'm able to eat a larger range of food and not having that stuck feeling in my chest is so good. I'm hungry a lot though which is not so good. I was hungry before the unfill anyway, so what can I say? I don't know why it is. Maybe the barium swallow will tell us something.


Basically I'm a bit disappointed. I thought having a lap-band would be a lot easier. Not easy, but not this hard. I thought I'd feel satisfied after about 1 to 1.5 cups of food and not need to eat in between meals. I knew I'd have to work at chewing and eating slowly and I'd still have to choose the right foods. I guess what I'm disappointed about is still having that hungry feeling that does me in every time.


I've only lost 1kg (2.2lb) since Christmas. What's not to be disappointed about? That is a crap result. I really thought I'd be down to 80kg, if not in the 70s by now. Urgh! Really disappointed. In myself and the band. I've really been self sabotaging this weekend too. I ate almost a whole packet of chocolate wafer biscuits yesterday. Not in one sitting, but gradually over the day. Noo had two, I ate the rest. Urgh! Plus I've had ice cream every night with a delicious berry crumble my mum made. So good, so bad. Urgh! 


I seriously need to get out of this band-funk. I need to find my motivation again and get off this plateau. I need energy and inspiration and motivation! I need my band to be my friend again and not my enemy.


This is not a great photo of me, but it shows how I feel. 

Tired, down and over it.

That is all for now. I'll try to blog more frequently. I'm so busy with uni that I'm finding it hard to find the motivation to write here as well as write all my stuff for school. 


I hope everyone else is in a better place than me right now.


V.

And the award goes to... ME!

Woohoo! I just ate a meal without getting stuck after every bite. And it wasn't because I chewed the crap out of my food, I think my restriction has gone down... for this moment anyway. I have been so tight that lunch at my desk, while studying, usually takes about 1.5 hours to eat. I. Kid. You. Not. I feel like I eat constantly because I eat so incredibly slowly which is probably a good thing, yet slightly annoying.


I haven't blogged since Tuesday because I basically haven't had much to report band-wise other than the getting stuck issue, which really isn't an issue, because I think this is just the way it is suppose to be. I've got a ring around the top of my stomach! What did I expect? To be able to gulp down massive amounts at lightning speed? Gees, Louise.


Yet, the lunch/dinner whatever it was I just ate at 5pm, went down fine. This morning I couldn't even get my yogurt and melon down I was so restricted, yet now I just ate two rye crispbread with avo, Hank's Chilli Jam (to die for!) and ham very easily.


Now I made a commitment (apparently *sarcastic tone here*) to eat well and exercise with my Getting Serious diet a couple of weeks ago and of course, I did not stick to it. As I said in my last post, I lasted five days and was rewarded with a 1.9kg loss, which is great and should have been motivation to stick to what seems like a winning formula. But this week I have been pretty good, but not as good (see Hank's Chilli Jam ref above). Tomorrow I am still hoping for a loss. Hoping for 1kg down... at least. I'm just dying to cross off that next weight loss goal on my list. I'm so close!


One problem that still persists is the lack of exercise in my routine (I use that word loosely... I'm not a 'routine' person). I went to the gym once last week and did forty minutes of cardio - 15 minutes on the rower and 25 minutes on the treadmill. I enjoyed it too but I just haven't been able to get there since. That's not to say I haven't been active. Chasing after a two year old boy is certainly not work for the faint hearted.


The gym in my building is not very busy but on Thursday, when I was there for my workout, a bloke came in who was not hot, but OK looking and very fit. That was enough for me to want to get out of there as soon as I could. He was doing a workout with big muscles lifting big weights with grunting and sweating and god... it was enough to intimidate me away from the there. Does anyone else get like this? I wouldn't have minded so much if it was a chick working out with big muscles but a man? Totally embarrassing. And I know this is completely stupid and irrational and he probably didn't even notice fat ol' me sweating away on the treadmill but still, embarrassing.


Argh! Enough of that sweaty man talk, and on to my award. The Outback Bandit over at All That Razzberry has bestowed me with a Stylish Blogger Award. I thank her very much for it.

The rules of accepting this award are: Thank the person who gave you the award, reveal seven things about yourself, and nominate 15 bloggers who you have recently discovered or love. Then leave a comment on their blog letting them know they've been nominated..


Seven things about me. With 26 January this week, I've compiled the list with Australia Day in mind.


1. I'm not fond of the beach. Despite being Aussie, having been raised going to the beach all summer, I find the whole experience quite frustrating and annoying. All that sand, sun and seaweed! Yuck! Give me a council run local pool any day.


2. I'm not a full on Aussie. I was born in New York City, New York, USA. I have duel citizenship and it is actually harder for me to prove being Aussie than it is being an American, despite my true blue Australian accent. There is a spelling mistake in my Australian citizenship papers which I have not been bothered to fix yet so I'm currently not an official Aussie. 


3. I crave Vegemite. If I haven't had some for a while, my body craves it like a drug. I like it on sourdough toast with lots of butter, or on a crispbread with just a scrape of marg, I'm easy, as long as there's heaps on there.


4. When I lived in London I would stock up on Cherry Ripes, Caramello Koalas, Cottees Cordial and, believe it or not, Napisan, whenever I came home for a visit.


5. My all time favourite Aussie band is Powderfinger but I've never seen them live... and won't get to now they've broken up.


6. My favourite Australian novelist is Peter Corris. He writes a series of detective stories which I have been reading since I was about 14. The first one was published in 1980 of which I have a first edition. I met Peter at a book signing in 1996 and he signed all the books I had at that time. There are 35 books all up which are set in and around Sydney. I am currently reading the most recently published Cliff Hardy novel, Torn Apart. Cliff Hardy, the main character, is getting pretty old so as each new novel comes out I get more and more nervous it will be the last. I know Cliff can't got on forever, but I will miss him terribly when he's gone.


7. Australia Day 1988, when we celebrated our Bicentenary, was one of the best and proudest days of my life. I was 13 and my family and I spent the day on my uncle's yacht. We sailed out to the heads to join the Tall Ships as they reenacted the First Fleet coming into Sydney Harbour. My ancestor was a convict on the Scarborough and it felt amazing to be doing what he did (albeit in vastly different circumstances) exactly 200 years later. Breathtaking stuff!


OK, there's seven things about me, to do with being Australian! Now, in keeping with this theme, I nominate the following Aussies for the Stylish Blogger Award:

Candid Bandit

Josie at My adventure with my lap band

Alycejo at My rescue is possible

Ash at Seeing in colour

Bec at My lapband journey
Sam at Banded for me

Bye for now.
V.

Day5/10 of "Getting Serious" diet

Struggling today. Despite the fact that I have pretty good restriction, I'm hungry all the time. I have to eat really consciously and only the friendliest of band foods. I even have trouble having large gulps of water. Its been really strange actually. I am literally thinking about food all day! This definitely isn't how I imagine the band should be working.


As I type this I am sitting down attempting to eat dinner. I made a delicious salad with a lovely fillet of sea bream that has been lightly sautéed in lemon juice, olive oil, garlic and dill. One mouthful in and I'm stuck. I'm typing this as I wait for it to pass through the band, as my fish gets cold, before I can move on to the next bite.

Dinner: Fish, green beans and salad

It is not that bad all the time, but quite frequently. Anybody else experience this? Its driving me crazy. Hunger coupled with blocking up. Maybe I'm not chewing enough? But what's with the hunger all the time? Why isn't my Vegas nerve doing what it is suppose to do by telling my brain I'm full when I'm not really?


I'm loving being more conscious about what I eat, making sure I only eat unprocessed whole foods - lots of vegies and lots of fruit. Heaps of fruit! I love it. But I'm sick of this hunger business. I caved today and had some dairy. So, I couldn't even manage 10 days without some yogurt! God, I was missing it so much. Yogurt is so delicious. Fresh unsweetened plain yogurt with fresh sliced rockmelon and a squeeze of honey. How fucking yummy does that sound? Divine!


I feel like a bit of a failure, but hell, I'm still eating amazingly well. I said yesterday that I wouldn't weigh on Monday but I think I will. I'm going to stay strict with the diet though until the ten days are up but I'm putting dairy back in my diet. Oh, and red meat. Not that I have had any yet but I had a stack of blood tests done during the week and my iron stores are still really low (this has been since having a baby) so my doctor said I should be eating at least three serves of lean red meat a week. 


So, still only eating unprocessed, non-sugary food, and very little complex carbs. There's no way bread, rice or pasta would get through my band at the moment anyway, but I've been eating these delicious rye crackers with avocado and smoked salmon. Yum! To die for. 


I'll finish off today with a few cute pictures I took of Noo today with my iPhone's Hipstamatic app. I've started yet another new blog for uni. This one is much better than my study blog, which I've now abandoned because it is just too boring. The new blog is at tumblr. which has some fab templates. I'm still getting the hang of how it all works but if you want to check it out click here. The theme of the blog is mine and Noo's life through the lens of the Hipstamatic and these are some pics from that:

At the fruit and vegie shop

Checking out the nuts

Waiting in line

Eftpos me baby!

Hope all is well in blogland.


V.

Day 2 of 10 day "Getting Serious" diet

Before I go on about my band, I have to mention the Queensland floods. If you haven't heard about it already, 80% of our great state of Queensland has been declared a disaster zone due to devastating floods. 13 people are dead, 50 are missing and thousands have been made homeless. 30,000 more properties are expected to be inundated by flood waters tomorrow, when the Brisbane River peaks.

"The Queensland capital is now the scene of a natural disaster
unprecedented in contemporary Australia." 

The Australian - 12 January 2010

Ipswich, just west of Brisbane, inundated by floodwaters.
Photo: The Australian

If you haven't already, please donate whatever you can to help these poor people. The Queensland Government has a site where anyone can donate. There's even details for international donations. Thank you!


My thoughts are with everyone in Queensland and anyone who has family there. This is a terrible time but I know the Aussie spirit will get you though it.




Now on to band news...


After weighing in at 88.2kg in the morning at home, when I had the appointment with my surgeon at 1pm, I clocked in at 88.8kg. Yuck. He didn't say it flatout but he basically said I need to step up my game because I've been plateauing for too long. I agree, hence my Getting Serious diet which I started yesterday. He added half of what was removed when I had the unfill at the end of last year which must have been about .5ml of saline. I've lost track where I'm up to now but I think my band should be around half full at 5ml. 


Feeling ok today. Woke up STARVING. Last night I just had some vegies sautéed in olive oil served with a very thin slice of a chicken terrine my dad had made on the weekend. 


Today I survived my first full day without sugar, dairy or complex carbs. Here's the list:


Breakfast
1 egg, fried with a short spray of canola oil


Morning tea
1 cup fruit salad


Lunch
Lentil and tuna salad: chopped celery, carrot, parsley, corianda; lentils; roasted pinenuts; 1 small can tuna; dressing of olive oil, white balsamic vinegar, lemon juice


Afternoon tea
2 small plums
Small handful raw almonds


Dinner
1 cup Mapo tofu pork: pork mince, tofu, chili paste, soy sauce, garlic, ginger, corianda, green onions


I was quite content after I finished dinner but I'm a bit hungry again now, just two hours later.


I have had a wicked hunger headache all day which I suppose is a result of eating less and withdrawing from sugar and carbs. The first couple of days are the worst though so hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.


So, two days down, eight to go.


I have just got to repeat Kate Moss's motto: "nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels"!


Hope all is well out in blogland.


V.

A busy, busy bee

Aaaah! My poor blog, it has been neglected.


I am now so busy with uni work that my blog has been put to the side. As I am doing Internet Communications I actually need to keep a blog as a requirement of the course, but it has to be one started fresh and not one that is already established. I also need to use Twitter so anyone interested can follow me @babblingbandit.


As far how my band is going everything has settled down at last. After a horror week last week, I finally got over whatever illness it was that I had by Sunday and am well and truly better now. I can eat normally again too, thank goodness. I still have restriction, but no where near as extreme as it was.


I actually got down to 86.5kg at the worst of the sickness but weighed in on Monday at 87.3kg. I have now lost a total of 12.7kg, which I'm really happy about. And I am only 2.3kg from my Christmas goal. I have been watching what I eat, but I haven't been too pedantic. I've been focusing on getting as much nutrients (particularly protein) in as possible.


I hope everyone is doing well out in blogland. I will only be updating this blog once a week now. I have downloaded an rss reader for my iPhone so will endeavour to keep up with you all when I can.


V.

Calling for a tiny unfill

I'm going to try and do more quickie posts more often rather than only two long posts a week.

I'm still quite restricted. Yesterday I felt heaps better being able to eat soup and some cheese and crackers and a whole protein shake but this morning I haven't been able to get my coffee down. I am really grateful for the advice everyone gave me and I'm now thinking you guys could be right. So I'm going to make an appointment for early next week at Crows Nest (there is no way I'm driving all the way out bush again!) to get a small unfill.

I miss eating! And even though I just joined a gym there's no way I'm gonna put myself through a spin class while my calorie intake is so slow. I'd pass out for sure!

Plus I'm feeling crabby today. Yesterday I was in great mood but today I'm feeling moody and tired and headachy. Defo time to make the call...

Thanks ladies again for your comments.

V.

Feeling fab! In the 80s at last.

This entry is going to be such a contrast to last week's Guilt and Anxiety post. After having a fantastic birthday on Saturday I have been rewarded again with the scales clocking in at 89.8kg. I'm finally below that elusive 90kg (200lb) mark!

Dressed and ready to party on my 36th birthday

Saturday started with high anxiety. Noo was gagging to get out of the house and play so was a little terror, running around pulling the place apart just as I was trying to tidy up and organise outfits, etc for the big day ahead. At one stage I snapped, as he continued to pull everything from under his change table out after I repeatedly asked him not to. The poor little thing is only 22 months so doesn't really understand. That didn't stop me shouting at the gorgeous little boy and telling him to get out while I picked him up and then closed the door on him. I was so upset! So was he. I felt so bad about it later. Seeing that little face look up at me while I closed the door broke my heart but I was just so frustrated. Five minutes later, after composing myself, I went back out and said sorry and he gave me a big hug saying sorry too.

I think I have a lot of patience generally and I especially have a lot of patience for Noo, but sometimes I just snap. I just find the best thing is to remove myself from the room (or in this case, remove Noo) and stop and take some deep breaths and remember, he is only a little boy, not even two years old.

It was a really hot and balmy Sydney summer's day. I love warm weather, but not too warm. I just don't like the frizzy hair and melted make up that comes with the heat and humidity. By the time we got to my sister and brother in law's house for lunch, it was just right, and with the French doors open to their back garden, there was a lovely breeze through, making it the perfect place to be.

For my birthday feast, my brother made the most delicious Vietnamese style rice paper rolls with prawn and salad, accompanied by one of his fantastic sauces. I wish I took a photo to show you, before we all demolished them.

The main course was cooked by my wonderful brother in law who baked the most amazing dish of Asian style whole snapper served with Chinese BBQ pork and pineapple fried rice and Asian greens. Absolutely to die for! And nothing was too heavy or overly calorific - until dessert that is!

Asian style baked whole Snapper

Birthday feast - Chinese roast pork and pineapple fried rice

As requested, my mum made her sumptuous Mangomisu, which is a summery take on the Italian classic, Tiramisu. Absolutely to die for but very rich as it is chock block full of mascapone and thickened cream and sugar and Grand Marnier. So, so good!

As I don't have much restriction I was able to enjoy all three courses, but I had much smaller serves than I would have in the past. I was stoked though not to be too tight. I mean, who would want miss out on all that delicious food?

I love my family, we are small, but we are quality. I love them all to bits. I am so grateful for all the effort put in to make my birthday as special as it was.

Mum's Mangomisu

After lunch Noo got out in the back garden to play under the hose with his uncles watching on. He had such a fabulous time.

Noo having a ball!

Once lunch was over, my parents took Noo up the the Blue Mountains with them so I could have a couple of nights off. I missed him so much while he was gone, but was so glad for the sleep.

Once we said our goodbyes, my sister, brother in law and I got ready to go out to meet up with friends for my birthday drinks at a bar in Sydney's inner city. I had such a wonderful night. In fact, it was the best night out I've had in a long time. I felt great, I wasn't uncomfortable physically or mentally, I felt kinda normal! I was by no means the biggest girl in the room, amongst Sydney's beautiful people. I didn't feel self conscious about not drinking or feel that I couldn't get amongst it without having that artificial confidence that alcohol use to give me. That was the reason I started drinking in the first place so I can't tell you how good it was to realise I don't NEED it any more. I am ok as I am!

Losing weight off my face

Stoked about my weightloss

It is just amazing what being down 10kg can do. I just can't imagine what I'll feel like when I get to 80kg or 70kg! After I had such a naughty week of eating, seeing that drop on the scale has given me new motivation to keep going and get to that next weightloss goal of 85kg by Christmas. It felt so good to cross off 90kg. So fantastic! Can you tell I'm ecstatic! 

Check it out...

Before I go, thank you for the supportive comments I got last week when I had my little anxiety attack. Your comments are so appreciated and cherished so thank you!

I hope everyone in blogland has had great weekends. And looking forward to more success this week as we head closer to Christmas.

V.

It's hard to be good without you (restriction)

I am hungry!

I do not like this sensation.

I need a fill badly and my appointment is a couple of weeks away still. I am trying to be so good, but its hard to be good without you.... hahaha... that's a Vince Jones lyric. He's a jazz singer/muso here in Aus. I don't know if he wrote the song It's Hard To Be Good, but its in my head a lot because that's how I feel right now... Anyway, I'm famished. My will power has vanished. Five weeks between fills, especially this early on in the process, is too long.

I have been keeping a food diary since Monday to really see where I'm fucking this up. The big problem as far as I can see, is that I eat out way too much, and I'm unorganised. I don't plan meals ahead of time. Plus having a fussy eater for a kid makes it hard too. Having a kid full stop is hard when it comes to food. I've got to have cheese and full cream milk and sausages and fish fingers, etc in the house that I normally wouldn't have if it wasn't for Noo. Not that I'm blaming Noo Noo for my poor diet. I'm just pointing it out as another obstacle to my staying on track and losing weight.

So here's my food diary for the last three days, the bad stuff is in red:

Monday

Breakfast - 1/2 tub of Ski De-Lite yogurt

Snack - Uncle Toby's yogurt top muesli bar

Lunch - yum cha - Sky Phoenix, 1 scoop Chocolate ice cream - Westfield foodcourt

Snack - 1 mum's macarons

Dinner - 1/2 cup fruit salad, 1 fish finger, 1/2 cup chilli con carne - cooked by me with lean mince - served with 1 tablespoon shredded cheese, 1 teaspoon light sour cream

Tuesday

Breakfast - 1/2 tub of Ski De-Lite yogurt, 1 cup melon

Snack - Carmen's muesli bar

Lunch - 1/2 small serve ma po tofu pork - TAFE canteen

Snack - 1 cup melon

Dinner - 1 slice lean roast pork, 1/2 baked potato, 1 small piece kumera, gravy and apple sauce - cooked by mum

Ma po tofu pork - I only ate half of this small serve

Wednesday

Breakfast - 1 tub of Ski De-Lite yogurt

Snack - none

Lunch - 1/2 serve tuna salad, handful thick cut hot chips, 1 scoop banana ice cream - Westfield foodcourt

Snack - 1 handful raw cashews

Dinner - 2 thin pure beef sausages, 3 macarons, 1 snack pack of mini cookies

There's way too much red in there! And I've only done one session of exercise so far this week too. I have excuses for that, but really? There's too many excuses! I know it's boring for you, the reader, to see my food diary, but to actually see it typed up like that really makes me stop and think. Its all about control. Control is something I lack. That's why I got the band in the first place. I know, I know... its a tool, not a magic wand, I've got to work it. These times in between appointments are the killer.

Its still early days. I'm only one fill down and I've lost nearly 10 kilos (20lb) in 10 weeks so I should really be happy, right? I just expected the green zone to be found sooner and the weight to drop off faster and to not feel hungry between meals ever again.

There's six weeks until Christmas can you believe it! I had really hoped to get to 80kg by the time we went down the coast for our holidays but it looks like I need to be a bit more realistic. My new goal is 85kg by Christmas. That means, eating better and exercising more and finding a new song to get into my head!

V.

Catching up

Thank you

First, I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post. The comment that prompted the post in the first place made me feel really exposed and a bit foolish but now I'm feeling much more confident that what I put in my blog has meaning and purpose, so thank you all. I should say too that the initial comment came from a person who is not a blogger and doesn't understand how the blogging community works so really wasn't qualified to make the judgement in the first place.

Some random pics taken during the week

Watching TV with Noo

Walking home from TAFE

Noo being outrageously gorgeous

On the way out for dinner

This month's manicure - O.P.I. Cajun Shrimp
sitting strategically on my Alexander Wang Donna Hobo

Out with the girls for dinner - Din Tai Fung dumplings - my favourite

Driving up the Mountains - I gotta do something about my 'do!
That egghead look has to go!

The view from my parent's house

Noo today

Not another photo Mum!

Writing my blog this arvo

What's been happening

I haven't been online the last few days so I'm way behind in my blog reading and writing. On Friday Noo and I went up to my parent's place in the Blue Mountains which was lovely. The house is large though and not very child proof so there's a lot of work to do running after Noo to make sure he doesn't get into things he shouldn't. It was lovely to get out the city for a while and enjoy the fresh air and quiet.

Band news

My band is going ok. I definitely have restriction as I'm getting stuck nearly everyday. The main cause usually being that I inevitably get interrupted by Noo while I'm eating for one reason or another. Any of you mums out there will know how hard it is to just eat when you have a little kid without having to multitask doing something for them at the same time.

What I have been eating has been pretty bad too. As I'm not a nine to fiver at the moment, I have no real structure in my day so I don't really eat three square meals. I've really noticed too how much I eat out! Whether at TAFE on Tuesdays and Thursdays or catching up with friends for lunch at a foodcourt or cafe in the city. I haven't got used to ordering the right foods and end up getting something that's not really band friendly or way too large a serve so most of it ends up in the bin. Also, my parents have been in town for the last two weeks because of my dad's cut foot so mum has been doing most of the cooking.

As I've mentioned in one of my earlier posts before retiring my mum was a professional chef. She seriously is an amazing cook. She cooks the most wonderful home cooked gourmet food. Its generally healthy but not proper diet food. I must take more photos for you so you can see just how delicious and tempting her cooking is. This week we've had slow roasted leg of lamb with vegies and cashew salsa; kumera, spinach and bacon lasagna; creamy potato and leek soup. She also made a batch of white chocolate macarons. Yum!

I also find I am snacking on Noo's food. Bad. I always take a snack pack out with me when we go out. This usually consists of muesli bars, mini boxes of sultanas, cheese and crackers,chopped fruit, that sort of stuff. Noo never finishes anything so I end up eating it instead. More bad.

Even though I'm getting stuck, I must say I'm not getting that good feeling of satiety after eating unless I eat about a cup and a half. If I eat about 1.5 cups of solid food I'm full and it lasts for hours, that content feeling, but if I don't I'm starving and I snack.

I also haven't been to the gym since that first time two weeks ago. Naughty. I've been doing lots of walking around town though and Noo and I chased a ball around the deck yesterday afternoon, but seriously, that is not enough!

Argh! This post is full of excuses. I really need to pull my finger out and start taking control of this whole project. My parents are back up the Mountains for the week so there's only me here in control of food. Here is a list of things to do to get this lifestyle change (I don't want to use the term diet) back on track:

1. Make meal plan for five days - Monday through Friday

2. Make shopping list as per number 1.

3. Go food shopping as per number 2.

4. Keep food diary for one week to see where things are going awry.

5. Go to the gym on Monday afternoon, Tuesday afternoon and Thursday morning (Noo's kindy days) for at least 30 minutes.

Fingers crossed I can achieve all the above. Its my mini five day challenge for myself. I will keep you posted during the week as to how I go.

I hope everyone has had great weekends, I'm going to try and get around as many blogs as I can now to see what you're all up to.

V.

Tightening continues

Oh goodness, I'm back to how I was in the first days post op and have loads of restriction. I can't eat anything really. Well nothing remotely solid or even mushie so it is back to fluids for me. 

Started the morning with a black coffee and water to take my meds with. Was stoked my tabs went down no probs. Attempted some low fat plain yogurt and tiny bits of watermelon but it was no good, the coffee was all I could manage.

I spent the morning at TAFE and as time wore on to about 10ish I started to feel quite hungry but I couldn't leave the class until 12. By the time lunchtime came around I was headachy and nauseous from the lack of sustenance. I rushed back home straight after class and made a skinny milk Milo as soon as I got in which was delicious. I had to sip, sip, sip and it took me about an hour to finish but at least it quelled my hunger somewhat.

Milo rocks!
Image owned by Nestle

Not long after the Milo I was hungry again so I thought I'd try some soft eggs. Uh oh, no. This was about half an hour ago and I'm still kind of feeling it where the egg got stuck for about 10 minutes.

These last two days with the band have certainly been a learning experience:

Lesson 1 - Ask the doctor more questions if information required is not immediately forthcoming.

Lesson 2 - Always play it safe: first start with liquids and then work your way up from there.

This it for today. Hope all is well out in Blogland.

V.