babblingbandit.me does Droptober: 8 days to go

I just cannot believe it is the 23rd of Droptober already! Where have the last 22 days gone?

There were four days in Melbourne for the ProBlogger Training Event 2012. We also had my mum's birthday lunch on the first Saturday of the month. Um... what else? Looking after Miss Mala Moo, my beautiful niece. Several dates. Playing with Noo. The odd spot of blogging...

It catches up alright! 

Now there are only eight days left until Droptober is over. I'm feeling the pressure to drop this weight in time. I started off really well and between when I registered on 24 September through to one week into the month, I was down 2.4kg. Awesome start! I've had two training sessions with the lovely Mike Jarosky and I've done as much incidental exercise as I possibly can. 

My eating has been better than it has been in a very long time: I'm 29 days chocolate free and, except for a few minor slips, I've been completely sugar free. I've continued to eat fruit but only around two pieces a day. I've pretty much stuck to three meals a day with either a piece of fruit or a handful of raw nuts for a snack.

Some of the yummy whole food I've eaten during Droptober - Just lose 2kg!

Despite all this exemplary behaviour I haven't lost any more since that first weigh in. Yo, my sister, keeps telling me I look good and should stop weighing myself. But when the numbers on the scale go down it gives me motivation! I thrive off watching those digits get smaller and smaller. But they're not helping me while they hover around the same place.

Why are they torturing me? Why aren't I losing this weight? 

You know, I don't think I'd feel bad about the numbers on the scale if it wasn't for the pressure of Droptober and the want to lose weight as promised to my sponsors (don't forget it isn't too late to sponsor me too! It is all for charity!). But on the other hand, if it wasn't for Droptober I wouldn't have this rock solid commitment to keep pushing past what I see on the scales to keep up the good eating and exercise.

So with just over a week left I am reinforcing my commitment to change by undertaking a three day juice detox. Yolanda and her husband are in it with me which helps enormously. We're living on mostly veggie juice for three days with only one light meal a day. Fingers crossed this is the kick start my body needs to start dropping the kegs again.

Wish me luck! 

How do you stay motivated when trying to lose weight?

V.

Linking up with Jess for #IBOT

Hell aka Restless Leg Syndrome

Does anybody else out there suffer Restless Leg Syndrome (see also RLS)?

It is a horrible condition that usually sets in around the evening/night time and kind of feels like you have creepy crawlies crawling under your skin, along and around the surface of your bones and makes your legs move involuntarily in jerky, twitchy motions. It really gets started when laying down, although I do sometimes get it when I'm sitting for long periods, eg in the car or at a concert, as well. I've mentioned it briefly before here.

Picture borrowed from here.

RLS is like a form of torture. It disrupts your sleep and makes you feel like you're going mad. There is no known cure for it and relief is hard for some people to come by. Walking helps - but who wants to be pacing around their home in the middle of the night, like so many suffers do? I also find some relief with hot baths and stretching out my legs. I have had many a bath in the middle of the night, desperate to find relief. Also, magnesium supplements are suppose to assist, but I have not found this in my case. Cutting back nicotine, alcohol and caffeine is also suppose to help minimise symptoms. Well I don't smoke or drink and I only have about 1-2 cups of coffee a day and I've kept my Diet Coke intake to a minimum lately.

I've just found this on Wikipedia regarding Other methods of relief:

Orgasm, whether achieved by sexual intercourse or masturbation, has also been found to provide satisfactory relief of RLS symptoms.

Wow! What an incentive to get back on the dating scene!

But seriously, the only real respite I can get is through taking a benzodiazepine just before bed. Either Zanax, Valium or Normison offer relief. Opioid painkillers like Diagesic also help. But there is a downfall to that. These drugs are extremely addictive and getting scripts for them is really hard. They also make me super tired the day after, making it very difficult to find the motivation to do anything.

People with RLS most commonly experience the pain and discomfort in their calves, but for some reason I get mine in my hip joints. And occasionally I feel it in my ankles as well when it is really bad. I cannot tell you how I hate this condition, which is getting worse as the years go by.

Before my first psychiatric hospitalisation in 2007 I had only experienced RLS a couple of times. I didn't even know what it was then. But since I was first admitted to hospital for depression and drug and alcohol abuse (which is a huge story in itself) I was given a massive cocktail of psychiatric drugs that set my hips twitching and they haven't stopped since.

The last three nights have been particularly bad. The last week or so actually, but for the last three nights I couldn't bear it any more and so I took a Normison (tempazepam - sleeping tablet) each night. The relief was almost instant. I've slept better than I have in months because it helped with my night time anxiety which leaves me clenching my jaw through the night and has me waking up with headaches every morning. My dreams were all anxious ones as usual but at least I my body was too relaxed by the benzo to move as much as I normally do.

I've read that antidepressants can bring on RLS and so can having low iron stores. As I am on an antidepressant I really need to look into weening off slowly so I can see if it is my Cipramil that is causing this horrible problem. This of course scares the hell out of me because I haven't gone without an antidepressant for four years! I have also been iron deficient in recent years but I haven't been tested for a while. I'm way too terrified to take iron tablets to see if that might help because of the constipation they cause. Anyone who's read recently will know that has been giving me a lot of grief recently too (you can read about it here and here - surely everyone wants to know about how backed up I've been!).

So anyway, why am I talking about this? Basically because this whole thing then really fucks up my motivation and will to exercise and eat well. I was so tired today that after taking Noo to daycare I slept on and off all day. That is until about 4pm when my hips started twitching again. I know some say that exercise helps but I find this is the opposite to me. When I have walked a lot through the day or have done a work out my hips suffer terribly later in the night. Add DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) to that and I'm tremendously uncomfortable.

It is a vicious circle: exercise, get bad RLS, take sleeping tablet, wake up exhausted, too tired to exercise, lay around, eat comfort food, feel bad/anxious, get RLS.... it goes on. I am going to talk to the doctor about it on Friday. Now that I know that my thyroid function is fine (my blood work came back all good), I can now look into this issue.

That is enough for now. I'm depressing myself with this post. Next time I promise to write something more positive!

V.

PS I've gone back to Blogger comments because Disqus wasn't showing that I had comments on the bottom of each post. I haven't been able to get the 'threaded comments' option to work yet but I'll keep trying.

PPS I have lost 1kg since last Monday which is probably because I was able to 'go' at last! TMI!!!!!

Comment changes at the BB

So my day was suppose to start with a spin class over at Fitness First in Bondi. I was so anxious about it yesterday. Mainly because I hate having early morning commitments. I'm always so worried I'm not going to get there on time.

Because Noo and I share a bed I usually don't have to set an alarm to get up - Noo rouses me with a "It's wake up time! It's wake up time!" and then "What are we going to do today?". He usually opens his eyes wide awake anywhere between 6.30am and 8ish which is pretty reasonable time to be getting out of bed I think.

Because I had to transverse the city during peak hour I set my alarm for 6.30 and when it went off Noo snoozed on. I had a shower, dressed in my gym gear, had my usual coffee and then breakfast. Checked my emails, Facebook, Twitter and the front page of The Australian (my favourite paper). All was going along nicely. Noo woke and mum gave him his oats. I text my friend who I was meeting at the gym to double check she was all set to go. She finally text me back at just after 8 saying she wasn't going to make it.

Damn! That's all it took to lose my motivation.

Still in my gym gear I dropped my parents at the Quay because it was still pissing down with rain and then dropped Noo off at daycare. Just as we were getting out of the car mum called to say they got their days wrong and would I come get them again. It is lucky we only live five minutes drive away! I finally got back to the apartment sometime after 10.

By this time I wasn't feeling too crash hot. Without giving too much detail, all that fibre I've been added to my diet started having an effect on my tummy.

TMI: Adding FibreBoost and Benefiber is finally having an effect

So I ended up spending an entire day at home, dressed in gym gear, reading blogs all over the net, as well as making a few changes to mine, most notably adding a third party comment management system Disqus. I wanted to be able to easily reply to any comments being left on each post and that didn't seem possible directly through Blogger. Let me know if you like it or not.

In the afternoon my sister dropped in with the beautiful Mala. I made lunch and while Yo ate, I nursed Mali Moo and took photos of her sleeping on my lap.

Crunchy cabbage, carrot, apple, pecan salad with pork schnitzel
served with lite sour cream and Hanks Chilli Jam

My gorgeous niece. Ooooh, I love her!

So I had quite a good day getting more ideas for improving my blog and trying to get inspiration for my upcoming uni subject (advanced web design) as well as having an ok day foodwise. I just didn't FDI and go to the gym! I have my guts as my excuse though. They still feel weird. Looking forward to my blood test results tomorrow.

Good night for now.

V.

Photo post catch up

It is absolutely pouring down here in Sydney which sucks because it makes it difficult to find things for Noo to do, but if he is ok about being home for a few hours this morning I'll get a chance to write my blog.

I ended last week being very piggy about my food choices knowing I was going to crack down on Monday. Although I did have a number of healthy meals as well. On Monday I weighed in at 82.5kg which is at the upper range of the 80-83kg I've been hovering around for ages.

Australia Day - half a grilled chicken burrito shared with Noo

Without trying to gross you out too much, I've been very backed up for months which is not helping with my mood or my weight. It is something people hate talking about, I know, but seriously constipation is one of the worst physical afflictions in my opinion. And is all too common - especially in women. Without going into too much detail I'll just say that I've been feeling sluggish, tired, irritable, heavy, down, bloated and generally all over yuck.

I went to the GP to get some advice and to have my thyroid function tested again because constipation is one of the symptoms of a hypothyroid. I had severe postpartum thyroiditis just after Noo was born so the risk of my thyroid going hypo is high. I'm waiting for the blood tests and hoping desperately that it is just my diet that is making me feel like shit (excuse the pun) and not some pain in the arse (another one - sorry!) auto immune disease that I could be saddled with for life!

Here are some random pictures I took using my iPhone's Hipstamatic app over the last few days:

Chicken drumstick and salad

Gorgeous pup Noo and I saw out at the park over the weekend

Just an observation - who buys CDs any more? Digital all the way for me!

Bakers Delight Cheesymite roll - this doughy white bread treat goes through
the band surprisingly easily. Majorly calorific though!

Hazelnut coffee scroll from Don Campos - my favourite coffee shop - didn't get
past one bite before I got stuck so gave it to mum. Bloody delicious though!

Sharing a mixed fruit and veg juice with Noo

The delicious mixed salad plate from Bread & Circus in Alexandria. Only $12.

Hot and sweaty after a 1 hour workout of walking/running.
Completed day three of week 1 C25K. Burnt 560 calories. Happiness.

Deliciously healthy quinoa, smoked chicken, orange and herb salad.
Made by moi!

Although I'm not doing Michelle Bridge's 12wbt I am enjoying following a few of the inspiring blogs around of people about to embark on this life changing journey (notable mentions go to 77noni and Tina at Currently Clueless). I didn't have the discipline to follow through with it last year. It really takes commitment to stick to such a rigid plan.

Good luck to all of you!

Well that's enough from me at the moment. It stopped raining a little while ago so I better get on with the day!

V.

The up swing

After starting the day in a bad mood yesterday things improved slowly as the day went on, ending with me being very relaxed. Took a while to get there though...

Went to lunch with mum, my sister Yolanda, Noo and baby Mala. It was my shout so I suggested sushi train at Westfields in the city. I usually have no problem eating Japanese as long as its good and fresh and if I have any of the rolls with rice I just douse it in soy sauce and take small bites so it goes down. I ordered a stack of stuff off the menu because they gave us a table rather than a spot at the train because we had the baby in a pram. All was good until I took my first bite and was stuck. Like, really stuck.

I waited ages because this can happen sometimes. I can get stuck on that first mouthful but once that is through it is like it has paved the way for any subsequent bites to come through cleanly and easily. Not this time. Second, third, fourth mouthfuls stuck, stuck and stuck. Fucking pissed me right off. I was paying but not eating! Mum, Yo and Noo ate almost everything while I sat there wishing hopefully I'd get that feeling of instant relief once the food drops. But it never happened.

I tried drinking a little green tea to help things along. Big mistake! When I add liquid to food it is like my oesophagus turns into a washing machine - churning and agitating - desperately trying to get the food to squish through the tiny opening to my stomach. Like each mouthful is fighting to get through first, punching and shoving the next bit of food and the walls of my pouch to make an exit to freedom. I can feel each turn, each punch and fuck can it hurt.

I was in agony by this stage and knew there was only one way that sushi was going and it was up. I asked mum and Yo to watch Noo so I could race to the toilet. Of course there was no way Noo was having that so in the end I took him to the parents' room with me. There I was, holding my hair back chucking the entire contents of my pouch into the toilet. Noo started copying me making similar noises and actions with his head over the kids' toilet next to me. It was a funny sight really.

I don't mind the chucking up of food, but when I've paid to eat at a nice restaurant all I see is dollar signs dropping into the dunny. So annoying!

Coming out the wrong end.
Picture from here.

We left Westfield and Yo went off for an appointment. It had started to rain (again!) so mum, Noo and I sought shelter in Dymocks book shop. After the chuck I was still starving so with Noo checking out the kids' books with mum I went up to the cafe to have a milkshake - food guaranteed to get through the bloody band. 300+ calories later and I was satisfied.

We made it home in the pouring rain and then I did something to surprise myself. I went to the gym! Amazing. Two days running. Had a great workout on the treadmill running and walking for 30 minutes as well as completing 5km on the bike. I then did 3 sets of 12 tricep dips and burnt a total of 460 calories, according to my new best friend - my Polar heart rate monitor.

I finished the day off with a healthy tuna salad and a dip in the spa and sauna to relax my weary muscles.

All in all a great end to what at first seemed like was going to be a bad day.

V.

PS Happy Australia Day to all you Aussies out there.

Mood swings

So yesterday was a good day. My 48 hours of personal space paid off and I felt really good yesterday arvo when Noo came back.

I did one hour at the gym, burning 412 calories. 20 minutes on the bike, 25 minutes on the treadmill using the C25K app for the first time and 15 minutes of floor work including 80 sit ups and stretching. I felt great afterwards. Very energised and proud of myself that I went.

My food choices weren't great though. I had the usual porridge with prunes for breakfast, lunch was two large slices of ham off the bone, some Stilton and Fontina cheese, one fresh fig and about five crackers. I didn't eat all the cheese but still need to start cutting it out all the together.

When Noo returned in the afternoon we went over to visit my sister and beautiful niece Mala. Noo scooted and we walked over to our favourite coffee shop. I had not one but two large skim cappuccinos at 75 calories each. The coffee is just so good that I couldn't resist the second cup. The cafe we go to is so great and easy to have kids at. There's toys to play with and lots of space inside and out for scootering around.

I ordered Noo a baby cino and a brownie. For some strange reason he didn't like the brownie so my sister and I shared it adding another 100 calories to afternoon tea bringing the total to 240 cals.

I wasn't overly hungry come dinner time so I had a couple of pieces of toast with peanut butter on one and Vegemite on the other. The only way for me to eat toast is to chew small crispy bites of sourdough toast very slowly and deliberately. Just checked out my trusty Calorie Fat & Carbohydrate Counter and 1 tablespoon of peanut butter is 120 calories! Got to give that up too.

Despite having a good day yesterday I'm back to feeling a bit flat today. Had a dreadful night sleep where I woke up every hour with my restless hips playing up, Noo kicking me every which way and anxiety dreams. It is raining and gloomy and generally a depressing day here in Sydney.

I feel like such a moody bitch!

Not my picture - source unknown but it
kinda sums up how I feel at the moment.

Looking forward to the next up swing.

V.

Make some changes and get a life

19 days into the new year and nothing has changed. I feel so stagnant, almost paralysed. Change is obviously what I need but so much fear holds me back from doing anything. I'm tired and bored and irritate easily.

I need to get a job.

I'm the only one who can take the turn off.
Picture borrowed from Lifehack.org

Yuck! I wrote those couple of lines above a few days ago. Nothing has changed but I don't feel as desperate as I did on Thursday. At least I don't think I do.

Mum and dad have taken Noo away for a couple of days so I can have a break. I miss him badly already. Whenever I drop him at school I don't feel bad. I know he loves preschool. But for some reason I'm racked with mother's guilt this afternoon. I feel guilty for shipping him off. For feeling like a need a break from parenting.

People have started to notice I'm not feeling 100%. My parents and even a couple of my friends have asked if I am ok. I don't know what to say. Most people think I have an easy life. I only have one child and I don't work and I live with my parents. Life should be simple right?

These are the things that are worrying me at the moment:

1. My diet is shocking. I have sugar everyday. I crave it. My band is in the perfect place. I have to eat slowly, consciously chewing small mouthfuls of non starchy foods. Oats and prunes for breakfast, salad for lunch, protein and veggies for dinner. Great. I'm satiated after about an entrée size portion. Even better. The problem is in between meals I crave snacky stuff like popcorn or lollies and I never resist the bad stuff. Also after dinner I have to have chocolate or ice cream or both. Usually I have a small cone with low fat vanilla ice cream with crushed peanuts and Ice Magic on top. To die for... literally.

My weight is hovering around 80-82kg. I have been this weight most of my adult life. While it is so much better than being between 100-102kg I'm still 10kg short of my goal. I feel fat and ugly. I feel like I'm aging so fast now. I feel like I've wasted the best years of my life being fat. Who cares if I'm a bit overweight when I'm old? Now is when it matters. Especially seeing as I'd like to find a 'mate'. And I don't want a fat partner either. I think it is disgusting if I'm honest. My gut, my legs, my arse, my arms. Fucking disgusting. I find it completely repellent on a man too. I'm not saying I need a perfect Michelle Bridges 12 fucking wbt body. Just a normal size 12 would be awesome. Why the fuck then can't I stick to any diet? Why do I shove that chocolate in my gob, order that ice cream, buy those lollies, bake those chocolate chip bikkies? Why?

2. Exercise is currently not a part of my life. But I want it to be. Fear holds me back. I bought a 10 pack of visits to Fitness First that I have to use before March. I went the first time last year when I was attempting 12wbt. I liked the class but the gym scared me. Living in the city the nearest gyms to me are obviously frequented by city workers. I went to the Bond Street Fitness First and it was full of hot men and women who were so fit and fabulous and generally intimidating for a fatty like me. Sounds like such a bad excuse, and it is I know, but I can't seem to get past it. I haven't been to our gym downstairs either. I'm just so fucking slack. Slack and lazy.

3. Uni has started freaking me out. I dropped out last study period because my heart wasn't in it any more. My anxiety was through the roof because I was also trying to find a job and doing RSVP trying to find a man as well as trying to do 12wbt by the book and failing. Something had to give so I gave up uni. My first application for special circumstances was rejected but finally my second was accepted. I've enrolled again in the same subject for the next study period which is a relief but I'm worried I'll fail again. The study period doesn't begin until 27 February so I really should use this time wisely and get started on redoing assignment 1 ahead of time.

4. The work situation scares me witless! I don't even want to write about it really. I know I need a job for my own sanity but having that kind of commitment terrifies me. For too long I haven't been expected anywhere really. Noo is the only one that makes me do anything and that is for love so it is ok. He loves me even when I fuck up. What if I actually do get a job and I don't do it right or I wake up every morning again hyperventilating with anxiety about having to go and perform around a bunch of strangers. And this market is so tight! Especially for part time admin roles. I've had so many rejections. Before my breakdown I got every job I ever interviewed for. I'm excellent at what I do but I can't seem to get a foot in the door anywhere now.

So that is it I think. My poor me middle class problems.

I should stop whining and start doing but I'm so tired. I need another life changing epiphany. That lightning bolt. That breakthrough. Just some sort of kick up the arse that gets me moving again.

V.

It's been a while...

So much has happened since April that I don't even know where to begin!

Last time I wrote I'd just started a new relationship after three years of singledom. Everything was lovely and went really well until about three or four months in I realised he wasn't the one. He was so lovely but I wasn't in love with him. I've been single again about three months and I am really enjoying it. I guess the experience made me appreciate more what I already have. And I don't need a relationship in order to feel validated. It also made me realise that I need to be really ready for it. For their sake and mine. I think it is really important that I am ok about who I am before I go sharing myself with others. I'm nearly there, just not quite yet.

After the break up I decided that I needed to get back on the self improvement journey. Especially because while in the relationship I gained 3.4kg (7.5lb). I pretty much spent the most of this year eating what I wanted whenever I wanted, although in smaller portions. I have since then got back on the diet bandwagon at joined the Michelle Bridge's 12 Week Body Transformation. The program is amazing... if you stick to it!

Last week I got down to my lowest weight in over four years - 80.9kg (178lb), down from the 86.7kg I had got back up to by the end of August this year. I lost 5.8kg in six weeks. How good is that! The weight was dropping off me! In August when I realised I'd gained so much I went back to my surgeon and asked for a fill and started working the band again. The motivation Michelle provides was also excellent in keeping me in check.

Unfortunately I started the 12wbt with an ear infection and then my son came down with the same ear/throat infection and then I got I terrible cold. It was awful. One of us would get better then the other would get sick again. I lost stacks of time for uni work and for exercising. Although my eating has been great (up until the last week so) I have only managed two training sessions since the 12wbt program began. Pretty shocking.

Basically, without boring you with the details, I had a huge anxiety attack about 10 days ago and it has been downhill since then. It is just amazing how we try to make ourselves feel better by going back to the old habits like eating chocolate and lazing around watching TV even though we KNOW doing the right thing (ie eating healthily and exercising) is what really makes us feel better after a break down.

So after a bout of anxiety, bad PMT and uni stress I've had a little gain of 0.3kg (just over 1lb) and I've got to get back on track! Hence the blog writing. Sometimes it just helps to see the excuses on the screen.

Next week is week six and the halfway mark of the 12wbt and I've got to get kicking! I'm going to go back and watch Michelle's vids and get remotivated. I am only 1.2kg away from getting another star on my blog banner and 10kg from the ultimate goal - 70kg. 

Hope all is well in blogland.

V.

Getting serious about working the band

Yesterday I listed the issues that are currently affecting my anxiety. Today I'm going to put together some clear goals as to how to deal with these problems. 


1. Keeping Noo active


This is a constant source of guilt for me. I know Noo wants to be outside running around all the time but I just can't provide that for him. I know he feels cooped up in the apartment, but what can I do? I think it is fair that I take him out for a play for half the day and the other half we spend in doors so I can do my study/blogging.


And we are often out more than half a day doing all sorts of fun stuff like swimming, walking, going to the zoo, the beach, the aquarium. And when we are home he has everything he could possibly want: all the toys, books and TV shows a kid his age could possibly need! And I don't just leave him to it. I'm always in the room with him and I talk to him while he plays on the floor and I work at the dining room table. Surely this is enough!


Thank goodness daycare starts back tomorrow so we'll both get some welcome relief.

Out and about in Hyde Park yesterday afternoon to check out
the Sydney Festival First Night event

2. Getting my diet back on track


OK, this is a big one. My next appointment for a fill is on Tuesday and then I'm going to start a version of the Liver Cleansing Diet. I haven't got the book but my sister and brother-in-law have done it several times and I've learnt the basics from them.


Basically the rules are you can eat as much as you like of the following:

• Vegetables
• Fruit
• Nuts and seeds
• Legumes
• Cold pressed oils (eg extra virgin olive oil)
• Lean white meat (eg chicken)
• Fish (including prawns)
• Eggs
• Spices, vinegar, mustard - as long as it is not sweetened

I think I'll struggle with these after a fill, but also allowed are low GI carbs in moderation: 

• Low GI pasta - spelt, brown
• Low GI breads - spelt, sourdough and other whole grain breads
• Low GI rice - Doongara Clever Rice

The following foods must be eliminated from my diet completely:

• Dairy - I really don't like the idea of this because I think skim milk is an excellent source of calcium and it is not bad for you so I'm only going to do this for the first 10 days
• Red meat (eg beef, lamb) - I'm not so keen on this because my iron levels are always low and as lean read meat is the best source of haem iron I'd rather not remove it completely but I'll do it for the first 10 days
• Sugar has to go completely but honey is allowed which is great
• No alcohol is allowed but that's no problem for me!
• No caffeine is allowed. Hmmm. Not into this rule at all! I'll forgo cappuccinos for the first 10 days but my black coffee and Diet Coke stay  

Hardcore fact to think about to keep me on track: Just like alcohol and cigarettes, foods that are high in saturated fat and sugar are poison and can also cause death. 




3. Add some exercise into my week


For some reason I didn't have this one on my list yesterday but really it should be there. I haven't stuck to an exercise routine since 2009! That's a whole year without planned exercise and I really think if I'm ever going to get to my goal weight I need to get to the gym. 


I have absolutely NO EXCUSE not to exercise. To put myself to shame, check this out:

• I have a fully equipped gym in my building only three floors down in the lift where I live. It is never busy and there's a big screen TV to watch while using the cardio equipment.
• I bought a tiny iPod Shuffle in 2009 to use while exercising and I've NEVER used it!
• I have a 25 metre swimming pool in the building that, like the gym, is never busy so I could be doing laps.
• I live right near Sydney Harbour, considered one of the most beautiful harbours in the world, and has the best walking/running routes around it. Joggers and walkers are everywhere around here but yet, I sit back, trying to think up excuses!
• Although I'm flat out doing study on the days Noo is at daycare, I really should be able to fit in an hour of exercise on those three days. 

How bad is that! I am so fortunate to have all these things right at my fingertips and I just take them for granted. The gym, the pool and the million dollar views around the Harbour cost me NOTHING to use! Zilch, nadda, zero cash. 


I told you guys how I joined a gym back in late November, well about two weeks after that I managed to get out of the membership. I just knew I wouldn't go. Who was I kidding? If it is such an effort to go three floors down, how the fuck did I think I was going to get in the car and drive 20 minutes to go to a gym! I astound myself sometimes. I really do.


I've just got to break out of this fear of exercise. That's what it has got to be that holds me back. Fear and laziness. What else could it be? I've just got to go. 


So the goal is to have three planned exercise sessions a week. These can include any combination of the following:

• 45-60 minutes walking around the Harbour
• 45-60 minutes at the gym doing a combination of cardio and weight resistance training
• 30-45 minutes swimming laps

Hardcore facts to think about to keep me on track: Regular physical activity can...

• Help prevent heart disease, stroke and high blood pressure
• Reduce the risk of developing type II diabetes and some cancers
• Help build and maintain healthy bones, muscles and joints reducing the risk of injury 
• Promote psychological wellbeing.

I'll weigh in tomorrow morning as usual and set weight loss goal then. Basically I want to get back to losing a kilo a week. 


There is no one else that can do this but me! I've got the band, the psychotherapy skills, the cooking and food knowledge skills as well as the exercise equipment - all the tools to get me to be the happy, healthy and slim gorgeous woman that I want to be! 


Now I've just got to deal with the short term discomfort in order to accomplish the long term gain.

I CAN DO IT!

I HAVE TO DO IT!

I am never going to be completely happy with myself while I still look in the mirror and see a fat woman looking back at me. 


The last three issues are uni work, spending and getting back to work. As this post is pretty long already I'll leave those for another day.


I'm feeling pumped to get started on this diet/exercise challenge as soon as I get my fill on Tuesday.  So my ten day challenge starts on 11 January and concludes on 20 January. The diet doesn't end there, but hopefully this 10 day kick start will get the kegs moving again.



If you made it this far... thanks for reading.


V.

It's hard to be good without you (restriction)

I am hungry!

I do not like this sensation.

I need a fill badly and my appointment is a couple of weeks away still. I am trying to be so good, but its hard to be good without you.... hahaha... that's a Vince Jones lyric. He's a jazz singer/muso here in Aus. I don't know if he wrote the song It's Hard To Be Good, but its in my head a lot because that's how I feel right now... Anyway, I'm famished. My will power has vanished. Five weeks between fills, especially this early on in the process, is too long.

I have been keeping a food diary since Monday to really see where I'm fucking this up. The big problem as far as I can see, is that I eat out way too much, and I'm unorganised. I don't plan meals ahead of time. Plus having a fussy eater for a kid makes it hard too. Having a kid full stop is hard when it comes to food. I've got to have cheese and full cream milk and sausages and fish fingers, etc in the house that I normally wouldn't have if it wasn't for Noo. Not that I'm blaming Noo Noo for my poor diet. I'm just pointing it out as another obstacle to my staying on track and losing weight.

So here's my food diary for the last three days, the bad stuff is in red:

Monday

Breakfast - 1/2 tub of Ski De-Lite yogurt

Snack - Uncle Toby's yogurt top muesli bar

Lunch - yum cha - Sky Phoenix, 1 scoop Chocolate ice cream - Westfield foodcourt

Snack - 1 mum's macarons

Dinner - 1/2 cup fruit salad, 1 fish finger, 1/2 cup chilli con carne - cooked by me with lean mince - served with 1 tablespoon shredded cheese, 1 teaspoon light sour cream

Tuesday

Breakfast - 1/2 tub of Ski De-Lite yogurt, 1 cup melon

Snack - Carmen's muesli bar

Lunch - 1/2 small serve ma po tofu pork - TAFE canteen

Snack - 1 cup melon

Dinner - 1 slice lean roast pork, 1/2 baked potato, 1 small piece kumera, gravy and apple sauce - cooked by mum

Ma po tofu pork - I only ate half of this small serve

Wednesday

Breakfast - 1 tub of Ski De-Lite yogurt

Snack - none

Lunch - 1/2 serve tuna salad, handful thick cut hot chips, 1 scoop banana ice cream - Westfield foodcourt

Snack - 1 handful raw cashews

Dinner - 2 thin pure beef sausages, 3 macarons, 1 snack pack of mini cookies

There's way too much red in there! And I've only done one session of exercise so far this week too. I have excuses for that, but really? There's too many excuses! I know it's boring for you, the reader, to see my food diary, but to actually see it typed up like that really makes me stop and think. Its all about control. Control is something I lack. That's why I got the band in the first place. I know, I know... its a tool, not a magic wand, I've got to work it. These times in between appointments are the killer.

Its still early days. I'm only one fill down and I've lost nearly 10 kilos (20lb) in 10 weeks so I should really be happy, right? I just expected the green zone to be found sooner and the weight to drop off faster and to not feel hungry between meals ever again.

There's six weeks until Christmas can you believe it! I had really hoped to get to 80kg by the time we went down the coast for our holidays but it looks like I need to be a bit more realistic. My new goal is 85kg by Christmas. That means, eating better and exercising more and finding a new song to get into my head!

V.