Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Two conferences and a man

I've got a feeling. No, I'm not about to launch into that Black Eyed Peas song. That tonights gonna be a... bloody, hell. Back on track! That song has been in my head since the Gala Dinner at #DPCON13 last Thursday night.

What I am trying to say is I've got that feeling like there's a million different things going around in my head and I really don't know how to organise them all. So much has been going on over the last week and I'd love to report on it all but that would probably take a book to do the stories any justice.

My last post attempted to express my experience at Digital Parents Conference with three photos that illustrated how I felt throughout those amazing two days. Now I've got a word cloud for you. The words in the pretty coloured heart shape below are floating around in my head and I'm struggling to organise them into coherent sentences.






In the two days that followed DPCON13 I attended another conference: The Australian Virtual Assistants Conference. AVAC2013 was just as awesome as DPCON13. I learnt so much, met some really lovely people and was truly inspired by a wonderful group of women who are literally 'doing it for themselves' by working from home running their own businesses.

I am in the process of setting up my own Virtual Assistant business. I've registered a business name, got an ABN, a domain name, some web space and social media accounts set up. I'm going to take the process really slowly so I don't fizzle out again by jumping in too hard and too fast. There's been enough fizzle this year. I need more bang!

Now, speaking of bangs, that's the final thing I wanted to tell you about. Actually, he's more than a bang. I've been seeing someone very casually for three months. We've been on about a dozen dates during that time. There's been no rush and no pressure - awesome. I've really taken it easy with this one. You know what I mean; not too many texts, not coming across overly keen. I've played the game. Not that there should be a bloody game with dating but we all know there is. And I usually lose.

Over this time I've dated a few other guys and I know he has dated other women. I've been totally cool with that because I really didn't want to rush into anything. And there have been times over the last three months that I thought I didn't like him at all. I actually wrote this post, pleading for answers as to why I am still single, on the day after we spent a night together.

That was nearly two months and four dates ago and now I REALLY LIKE HIM! And I have a bad feeling that it is going to end in tears on my part. Last night I sent him a text (yes, I wimped out saying it face to face), after we spent all Saturday night and a lot of Sunday together, asking where he thought we were going with this. I made it clear I don't want a full on move-in-let's-get-married kind of relationship (yet), but I'm feeling icky at the thought of him with other women now. Basically I want us to be exclusive with one another.

I think after a very intimate three months of dating it is about the right time to ask for exclusivity. He returned my text with something along the lines of 'yes, we do need to talk about this' but I'm yet to get a call or a text.

What do you think? Am I being fair?

I feel like such a teenager asking you lovely ladies who read me but I'm going insane here. His silence is speaking volumes. Or is it? I'm imagining him spending the last 24 hours deliberating over his feelings for me. Going through every detail of what he knows about me and likes and doesn't like and coming to the conclusion that I'm too fat, too poor or weighed down with way too much baggage bulging with The Past.

But, men are simple folk, and I'd bet $100 he hasn't given me or my question a moment's thought. He doesn't even read my blog (which is why I'm writing this here)!

Crikey, I have no idea what to think or do about it. I'm useless when it comes to men. I just can't stop thinking about him! This part of dating sucks.

At least I do know that both DPCON13 and AVAC13 were awesome.

Can't wait for next year.


V.








Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Late 30s single white female wants man for relationship, sex, love and to make a family and all those other normal things that people want to share with someone special

Do you know what I've been thinking a lot about lately? Ok, yes I've been thinking about my five year soberversary coming up but there's also something else I've been thinking about. Yes I've also had work on my mind. And of course I am constantly thinking about my weight loss goals. Ugh! They nag at me constantly!

What I have been thinking about and what I want to write about right now is: I want another baby.

Really want one.

When my beautiful niece was born just over a year ago I really thought her arrival would sort of put me off the idea. Or at least quench the cluckiness. If you know what I mean.

Watching Yolanda and her husband suffer through the first year of their baby's life (as most parents usually do) was suppose to turn me off having another kid. But of course it didn't. That gorgeous child just awakened my ovaries making me as clucky as I've ever been.

Except for the worry that Mala's food allergies cause her parents that beautiful little girl is a pretty easy kid. And I didn't just watch from a distance while my sister was on maternity leave settling the baby, feeding her and all the other jobs that come with a new child. I was there helping out. Three days a week for six months and now twice a week I get to spend eight hours a day with her. It is bliss.

I absolutely love being Noo's mum and Mala's aunty but I want more. I want another child of my own. A brother or sister for Noo. He is four and I'm am nearly 40.

It is time.

There's only one thing missing.

A father. Where for art thou man?

I love being a sole parent to Noo but I don't think I can do it again for a second child. I'd really like to meet someone and go about the whole making babies thing the usual way: meet, fall in love, fall pregnant. I don't even care about marriage. A good relationship - yes. But I don't need a ring on my finger or the big wedding.

Like I wrote about last week in my Sober Guide to Dating, I've been 'out there' for the last 18 months. I did the numbers and I've met 10 different blokes in that time. There is currently one still on the 'maybe' list but none of the others have worked out.

I have heart and I know how to use it
Dating in so many ways is fun but on the other hand it can be demoralising. Meeting people via the Internet, while having its merits, is hard work. Trawling through the profiles of potential partners is frustrating as so many guys have been on there as long as I have. If I'm wondering what is wrong with them, they must be doing the same about me.

On this blog I always avoid talking about other people. I'm sure I sound totally self involved but this is my blog and these are my stories and I feel that it is not my place to discuss other people's lives. But I will mention abstractly that I know I'm not alone in this dating abyss.

I have many girlfriends who are in the same boat: 30s to 40s single and wanting to meet a nice guy to settle down with and have a family. Why the fuck is it so hard? We are awesome! We have so much to give! Where are all the good men in Sydney?

I can't help but constantly go over in my head what my faults are. Why has not a single man (except for one which I didn't care for enough in return) I have met and liked returned the feeling? What am I doing wrong? Do I play the dating game incorrectly? Is it because I am overweight? That I have a child? That I don't drink? Am I overbearing? Unattractive? Not smart enough? Too smart? Too opinionated? Is it because I don't work (even though I have an income)? Do I come across as too needy? Is it because I live part time with my parents? Am I too tall? Is it because I have tattoos?

Over and over again I wonder: What the fuck is wrong with me?

I also have to ask, where are all the good guys? The gentlemen? The men who know how to treat a woman? The confident blokes with interests outside their own careers?  The men with good taste in music and an opinion on politics? Why are so many guys I meet on diets? Almost every man on the dating site I am on 'works out at the gym 4-6 times a week' or at least says he does. I don't fucking care! I like a guy who cares about how he dresses and puts a bit of time into his appearance - a metro man - but seriously, dying out the grey in your hair? Women hate that shit.

I could just scream!

I just googled 'IVF for single women' and found this article from the Sydney Morning Herald last year that talks about single women in their 30s turning to sperm donors to have a baby. If I had plenty of money I'd do it. But it is still kinda sad. Why is this becoming so common? Why are my girlfriends single?

Despite my past and my baggage, I know I am a great person. In fact what I have been through in the past has made me who I am today. I am fun, attractive, interesting, intelligent, have great taste in music and I'm a fucking awesome mother. Yeah, I am not a size fucking zero, but is that all that matters? I have substance and heart. I'm kind and I'm generous and I'm a great cook.

I probably shouldn't even post this post. It is a brain dump. No thought has been given to where I wanted this to conclude. I just had to vent.

Should I publish?

Fuck it I will.


V.








Sunday, February 3, 2013

Kiss smart: The BB goals for 2013 - For the soul

Twenty thirteen is promising to be a big one here at babblingbandit.me. Too keep myself in line I have started a blog series on my goals for the year.

I've named them KISS SMART goals to remind myself to Keep It Simple Stupid and to make sure my goals are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time-bound.







One month into 2013 and already my goals are wavering. Without getting all negative about it I'm writing to get myself back on board the positivity train.

A couple of weeks ago I outlined my first goal:

Kiss smart goal number 1: Health Basically, I have pledged to lose 7kgs by 30 June. To do this I will give up sugar, eat whole foods and exercise more.

Why is it always so much easier said than done?

Because life happens. Because, as the old cliché says, old habits die hard. I want to assassinate those bad habits and replace them with good ones - healthy positive habits.

I had a major setback a couple of weeks ago: I attempted to go back to working in an office and fell flat on my face again. I hate that shit. That feeling of going backwards. It totally freaks me out when I feel great and then something sends me back to feeling bad. I run. Get the fuck outta there. Eat shit to feel better.

Ah, what?

Eat shit to feel better? What is that? Self sabotage for an instant high is what it is. It doesn't work Vanessa (talking to myself through my blog surely means I'm losing it)! I never has worked.

But I have a plan to turn this thing around. It includes writing more goals in order to help facilitate that healthy eating/moving goal.

This is a holistic plan. Bare with me.

Which brings me to...

2. For the soul


I think a lot of people get caught up in the doing and achieving part of goal setting. What about the goal of relaxation? We all need to give ourselves time to rest and relax and take a moment to just sit still and do something we enjoy just for fun.

To nurture my soul I intend to do the following:

a. Continue with fortnightly therapy sessions

Someone told me recently I should lessen my reliance on therapy. Well that person is a doofus. Therapy keeps me in check. Whenever I take extended periods of time away from my check ins with Shrink I feel lost and out of control. And even when I do go there and I'm feeling fine, I walk away feeling even more confident that everything is on track.

b. Read more

This is going to be hard this year as I have so much going on. I'm enrolled to do one subject this study period for uni so no doubt there will be a lot of academic research to be read.

I have a lot of books on my Kindle that I've purchased and have either started and not finished or have not had a chance to open. Reading is such a great way to unwind and escape, especially if it's fiction you're reading. So I'm going to make more of an effort to escape with a book.

Rather than go to bed with my phone scrolling through my Twitter feed into the early hours which, considering it is an election year, will no doubt cause all matter of anxiety, I'm going to escape to Westeros and follow the trials and tribulations of the Game of Thrones gang. The politics there might be just as blood thirsty but at least it is in a make believe land rather than in Canberra!

c. Time with friends and lovers

The hardest thing for me as a sole parent is finding time to see friends on my own, and if I am lucky, maybe even a lover.

Even though I know a few great babysitters, it is still an expensive night out if I have to pay someone to look after Noo while I hit the town or the sack (hahaha - get it?).

Noo's grandparents absolutely adore him but they have really busy social lives too. And they live over two hours drive away most of the week. The key here is booking in Nanna and Pa well in advance and then try to book in drinks with the girls or a date with a bloke on those nights my parents are in town.

I love my time with Noo. We get up to so much fun but I do really enjoy hanging out with adults and forgetting about parenthood for a couple of hours or more. I plan to make this more of a regular habit this year.


OK, checking in with the KISS SMART pledge:

Did I keep it simple?

Goal: Nurture my soul
How: Keep up fortnightly therapy sessions,
read more fiction, spend more time with friends and lovers

Are my goals smart? 

Specific: See above
Measurable: Anxiety levels will determine if this goal has been successful
Achievable: Totally
Relevant: Absolutely
Time-bound: Yes, to be measured on 30 June 2013


Two down five to go. Check back soon for the next goal to be set for 2013: Finances. Eeek!


How are your goals or resolutions going so far? Sticking to them or have you fallen off the wagon like I have?


V.










Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The Definitive Guide to Dating Sober

Guess what folks?

I am just two months off my Five Year Soberversary!

Shut up. It is such a word!

Yep. Five whole years since an alcoholic beverage has passed these lips.

Five whole years since I've been pissed, hammered, wasted, blotto, tipsy, sloshed, caned, wankered, drunk, inebriated, shit-faced, plastered. Amazing!

Five whole years since I've been hung over, seedy... can't think of any other words for hung over but I am so glad that horrible feeling you get after a night on the booze has not been experienced by my brain and body for nearly half a decade! Awesome!

And you know what? I don't miss it one little bit.

Except when I'm on a date and then I miss it just a little bit.

_____________


When I decided to get back 'out there' again about 18 months ago it was the scariest thing in the world. Fresh from my metamorphosis from party girl living the high life to sole parent living the quiet life, making the decision to start dating again was a big one.

Despite my fears, I was psyched by the new person I had become so put my profile up on a singles matchmaking website and started the process that is Internet dating.

I filled out my details, chucked a few decent looking pictures up and ticked all the boxes of what I required in a potential partner.

The two factors I worried about most with my profile were:

1. I have a kid

2. I don't drink.

Neither are negotiable for me and they can be deal breakers for others.

Before I gave up drinking I did the online dating thing a few times. The night always started with me knocking back a couple of beers for some liquid courage before I turned up to meet the guy. I'd still be nervous as hell when I arrived and so continued to drink throughout the night and if the guy hung around long enough I probably ended up pretty pissed by the time the date was over. Not really a great look when I think back to it.

Now, it is a totally different story. After several sober dates I can now give you the...

The Definitive Guide to Dating Sober


1. Make it clear from the beginning that you don't drink alcohol. Put it on your profile. I also mention it during the initial email contact phase because, like I said earlier, it can be a deal breaker for some so it should be made clear.

2. Whether you are just taking a break from the booze because you've signed up to febfast (which you should do by the way!) or you are in recovery, there's no need to mention on the first date exactly why you don't drink. That's your business.

3. Dress your best (appropriate to the time of day and venue), look in the mirror and remind yourself how good you feel and how confident you are now that you don't drink. You are a brave, strong, confident person who doesn't need alcohol to make you feel good about yourself.

4. If you really don't want to make an issue out of being teetotal organise your first date to meet for a coffee instead of a "drink". Subsequent dates could be meeting for lunch in the park or checking out a new exhibition at a gallery. There are plenty of non-alcoholic activities to choose from.

5. Turn up with a smile and, if you're meeting at a bar or restaurant, order a non-alcoholic beverage. Easy.

6. During the date, remind yourself you are being your authentic self. There's no false confidence brought on by alcohol. If you like him (or her) and he/she is enjoying your company by the time you get to dessert, you're doing really well because they like you for who you really are.

7. If you like the person you are on a date with be flirtatious but don't go overboard like you might have when tipsy. Show restraint. Be a lady (or gentleman).

8. Don't go on about not drinking. Don't be a wowser and carry on about how much better life is without alcohol. Don't act superior about it.

9. In moderation, a glass of wine is fine, so don't be judgemental if your date has a glass or two. That's their business.

10. If you are just on a short term break from grog don't carry on about how much you miss it. That is just boring and annoying. It also makes you sound kinda desperate and like you may have a problem.

11. The trickiest part to dating when sober is at the end when you're saying farewell: the kiss, should the sparks have flown. On a first date it is likely to be a chaste peck on the cheek or maybe even a quick one on the lips (in my experience anyway). Maybe it is just me, but I find this moment of intimacy extremely embarrassing without the social lubrication that is booze. It is the one moment in life that I miss alcohol. I can't give much advice on how to cut through that.

12. Enjoy yourself! When it is all over go to bed knowing that you've had a great time, you've met a nice person and you're going to wake up in the morning without regrets and without a hangover.

Have you been on a sober date? Can you give me any advice on how to do romance sober without behaving like a giggling school girl? 

_____________


I should say I'm not necessarily the best person to give dating advice. Eighteen months in and I'm still single. But, while I may not be in a committed relationship (yet) I have had some great nights out and met some really lovely people (and some not so lovely) and I've done it all while sober.

I have definitely had more success dating sober than I did dating drunk so I can't recommend it enough.

Good luck to all the febfasters giving up alcohol for just 28 days! I'm going to be joining you but I'll be giving up sugar instead. It would be cheating if I asked people to sponsor me to give up grog. Pfft! Too easy!

If you haven't signed up - just do it!

As an official blogger I'm proud to support febfast in 2013, a challenge and a tonic for all drinkers, to see if you can take a break from alcohol for 28 days this February.

After the celebrations of Christmas, summer holidays and the Australia Day long weekend, febfast is a great opportunity for people to take stock and put a focus on health in the New Year while at the same time raising some money for a worthy cause.

febfast is aiming to raise $1m to help vulnerable families and teenagers tackle serious alcohol and drug issues. Let’s band together and make a change—not only in our own lives and for our own health—but also for those who are struggling with substance abuse and addiction.

Check out the febfast website here.

V.


Disclaimer: I am working with febfast as an official blogger. I am not receiving any payment for any posts I might publish about febfast. I am participating because addiction is an issue I deal with every day and my sobriety is something I love and encourage any person to give it a go, even for just 28 days.

**Thanks go to my brother in law who let me use his manly arm in the photo.** 




Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Single mother's guilt

My life has all of a sudden got really busy: I'm working for the first time in nearly five years; I'm blogging and social networking as much as I can in order to maintain this space; and, of course, I'm a sole parent to my awesome almost four year old boy.

My day usually starts at around 6.30am when Noo arises. Three days a week Noo goes to daycare, which he loves, and I go to work as my niece's nanny. On the four days Noo is not at preschool we go on adventures out and about in Sydney or play at home. My day with kids does not end til around 8.30pm when Noo goes off to sleep. That's when I get on the computer and do blog stuff until about 11.30pm.

Now I've gone and thrown dating into the mix. And it is really time consuming!

Dating when you're a single mum is tricky on so many levels:
  1. I've got to tell the family that I'm getting back 'out there' via an online dating service so there's absolutely no privacy
  2. Once I've done the email thing and progressed to the 'let's meet up' phase, I've got to find a time that suits not only me and the guy, but also either my parents or sister to look after Noo so I can go out
  3. I've got explain to the person I'm on a date with that I have a child but at the same time limit talking about my kid because that is generally considered boring dinner conversation even though said kid is at the centre of my world
  4. When things go beyond the first date I need to explain to Noo that I've got a new 'friend' that I'm spending time with, time that I would otherwise be spending with him
  5. I've got to deal with the guilt of spending time with people other than Noo
  6. Deciding when it is appropriate for me to bring to the two together is tricky but more on that another time.
This is when the single mother's guilt kicks in. And it has been costing me a fortune. 

Every time I've gone out I've either bought Noo a new toy to play with while I'm out or promised to take him shopping for a new toy the day after my date. I know it is ridiculous. I am allowed to date. I'm allowed to have a life outside of being parent. I'm allowed to spend time with other adults. Knowing this doesn't make me feel any less guilty.


Lego loving


Lucky for me, a couple of weeks ago when my sister and I were doing a pilgrimage to Eastgardens, Yo suggested we go check out the toys at Big W. Because there are no Big W stores closer to us in the city, we occassionally make the trek to Pagewood because we love their kids clothing range and Noo loves the toys.

Yolanda said she'd like to buy Noo a surprise toy for when he was going to stay at their house on the Friday night. I had a hot date all lined up but Noo was already being a bit disagreeable about having to spend the evening away from me at his aunty and uncle's house.

Noo's Uncle Callum is a big fan of Lego games so what better toy to get Noo than a new box of Lego!

The night turned out to be a fabulous success, both for me on my date and Noo spending the night with his aunty and uncle and cousin Mala!

V.

Disclaimer: This is a sponsored post but all opinions are my own. See my disclosure page for more details.




Linking up for the first time with Jess for #IBOT






Monday, September 24, 2012

Somebody that I'd like to know

So I've been a bit stumped for words these last few days. There's a lot going around in my mind but it is not really appropriate for blog fodder. You see, I've met someone. It's only been nine days (who's counting?) and we've only seen each other four times (really, who's counting?) so it is too fresh to comment on.

This happened last time I started dating someone. I blogged about it and then didn't blog again at all until the relationship was over. I think it is because when I have a 'love interest' (where did I get that from? My mum?) my mind gets so consumed with thinking about that person and the possibilities that I can't concentrate on other things. I'm like a teenager, really. I might even write down his name on a piece of paper and then write mine and then count up the letters until they're down to 2 digits to work out what percent he likes me...

Focus Vanessa!

I don't like to write about other people on my blog either. That is a bit of a rule with me - not to comment about people I know, except for my sister who has said it is ok for me to mention her. Oh, and my parents get a small mention here and there, but that is it. My story is my story, but I'll leave others to tell their own stuff. And I don't want any of it coming back to bite me!

So, let it be known; I am happy, excited, nervous, and doing my best to push on with writing good content for my blog... despite the fact that my brain is desperately trying to pull itself back to over analysing one topic.

Now, maybe I should go over to one of those relationship sites to see if it can tell me if he likes me too...

Photo from here


Night, blogosphere. This girl needs some sleep.

V.



Monday, September 3, 2012

The BB sugar experiment: Sugar crash and burn

Week three of I Quit Sugar? No. Starting week one again of the I have a lap-band let's use it shall we diet. Or maybe I'm back on the big is beautiful and becoming way more accepted just check out these fabo girls here and here for instance so don't bother dieting at all diet.

Either way, I couldn't do it. I just could not give up sugar. I have a host of excuses! I lasted three days last week. Just until Wednesday night. I went out on a date (yes, a date!) Wednesday night with a young man I met on RSVP (why I put myself back on there I do not know!). The date was at a pub. The first drink I ordered was a Diet Coke. Second, a Red Bull. Can't get more sugary than that!

Since giving up grog I've taken to energy drinks as my 'going out drink'. Dating when you're teetotal is annoying. People are suspicious of non-drinkers. It is true! Either you're a wowser or a recovering alcoholic. I don't know what is considered worse to most Aussie blokes out there. The energy drink at least gives me a little buzz to feel included.

Now I could take this post in a number of directions:

  1. I Quit Sugar FAIL
  2. Lap-band FAIL
  3. Body image acceptance
  4. Online dating as a single parent
  5. Online dating as a recovering alcoholic
  6. Online dating as a fat girl with a sugar addiction
  7. Online dating as a single fat girl in recovery from poly-substance addiction but still in active sugar addiction who also has a kid that she is raising alone
  8. Or maybe I could go to bed early...

Yeah, number eight is looking good right now (even though now, effectively it isn't early, because I've been editing this shitty piece for the last hour!). I ain't making any sense. I'll write something proper tomorrow.

Here's a photo Noo took on the weekend. He doesn't like having his picture taken very often and he's never shown any interest in my phone's camera. Until Sunday. He took heaps of them. This is the best. Totally unrelated to the post but hey, I need something for my LinkWithin widget below.


Batman, Wonder Woman and Spiderman...
Copyright Noo Bandit


Night all.

V.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Make some changes and get a life

19 days into the new year and nothing has changed. I feel so stagnant, almost paralysed. Change is obviously what I need but so much fear holds me back from doing anything. I'm tired and bored and irritate easily.

I need to get a job.

I'm the only one who can take the turn off.
Picture borrowed from Lifehack.org

Yuck! I wrote those couple of lines above a few days ago. Nothing has changed but I don't feel as desperate as I did on Thursday. At least I don't think I do.

Mum and dad have taken Noo away for a couple of days so I can have a break. I miss him badly already. Whenever I drop him at school I don't feel bad. I know he loves preschool. But for some reason I'm racked with mother's guilt this afternoon. I feel guilty for shipping him off. For feeling like a need a break from parenting.

People have started to notice I'm not feeling 100%. My parents and even a couple of my friends have asked if I am ok. I don't know what to say. Most people think I have an easy life. I only have one child and I don't work and I live with my parents. Life should be simple right?

These are the things that are worrying me at the moment:

1. My diet is shocking. I have sugar everyday. I crave it. My band is in the perfect place. I have to eat slowly, consciously chewing small mouthfuls of non starchy foods. Oats and prunes for breakfast, salad for lunch, protein and veggies for dinner. Great. I'm satiated after about an entrée size portion. Even better. The problem is in between meals I crave snacky stuff like popcorn or lollies and I never resist the bad stuff. Also after dinner I have to have chocolate or ice cream or both. Usually I have a small cone with low fat vanilla ice cream with crushed peanuts and Ice Magic on top. To die for... literally.

My weight is hovering around 80-82kg. I have been this weight most of my adult life. While it is so much better than being between 100-102kg I'm still 10kg short of my goal. I feel fat and ugly. I feel like I'm aging so fast now. I feel like I've wasted the best years of my life being fat. Who cares if I'm a bit overweight when I'm old? Now is when it matters. Especially seeing as I'd like to find a 'mate'. And I don't want a fat partner either. I think it is disgusting if I'm honest. My gut, my legs, my arse, my arms. Fucking disgusting. I find it completely repellent on a man too. I'm not saying I need a perfect Michelle Bridges 12 fucking wbt body. Just a normal size 12 would be awesome. Why the fuck then can't I stick to any diet? Why do I shove that chocolate in my gob, order that ice cream, buy those lollies, bake those chocolate chip bikkies? Why?

2. Exercise is currently not a part of my life. But I want it to be. Fear holds me back. I bought a 10 pack of visits to Fitness First that I have to use before March. I went the first time last year when I was attempting 12wbt. I liked the class but the gym scared me. Living in the city the nearest gyms to me are obviously frequented by city workers. I went to the Bond Street Fitness First and it was full of hot men and women who were so fit and fabulous and generally intimidating for a fatty like me. Sounds like such a bad excuse, and it is I know, but I can't seem to get past it. I haven't been to our gym downstairs either. I'm just so fucking slack. Slack and lazy.

3. Uni has started freaking me out. I dropped out last study period because my heart wasn't in it any more. My anxiety was through the roof because I was also trying to find a job and doing RSVP trying to find a man as well as trying to do 12wbt by the book and failing. Something had to give so I gave up uni. My first application for special circumstances was rejected but finally my second was accepted. I've enrolled again in the same subject for the next study period which is a relief but I'm worried I'll fail again. The study period doesn't begin until 27 February so I really should use this time wisely and get started on redoing assignment 1 ahead of time.

4. The work situation scares me witless! I don't even want to write about it really. I know I need a job for my own sanity but having that kind of commitment terrifies me. For too long I haven't been expected anywhere really. Noo is the only one that makes me do anything and that is for love so it is ok. He loves me even when I fuck up. What if I actually do get a job and I don't do it right or I wake up every morning again hyperventilating with anxiety about having to go and perform around a bunch of strangers. And this market is so tight! Especially for part time admin roles. I've had so many rejections. Before my breakdown I got every job I ever interviewed for. I'm excellent at what I do but I can't seem to get a foot in the door anywhere now.

So that is it I think. My poor me middle class problems.

I should stop whining and start doing but I'm so tired. I need another life changing epiphany. That lightning bolt. That breakthrough. Just some sort of kick up the arse that gets me moving again.

V.








Friday, January 6, 2012

New year, old problems

For some reason I always feel like blogging when I feel like shit. Maybe it is because it helps clear the fact from the fiction, the rational from the irrational. Or maybe I just feel like wallowing in my misery and sharing the grief.

My latest woe is boy trouble again. Fucking men. I can say that because I bet there are none that read this blog, so fuck em. Fucking men. Why do I even want one? I have everything. I have a great place to live, an adequate income, great family and friends and most importantly I have my son. My beautiful, beautiful boy. I just hope I raise him with the utmost respect for women because the world does not need another useless, misogynistic coward out there.

Since I last blogged about dating I have met three other blokes with still no success. One was so not my type, the second was a complete weirdo with more issues than I have (which is really saying something) and real anger issues about women and the third I really liked (which of course makes him not like me). Number 3 ticked all the right boxes, plus was hot, lived only 10 minutes drive away and he dressed well and had the same politics as me. We also have similar taste in music and TV shows.

Everything seemed to go so well on our first date! We had lots to talk about, there was lots of eye contact, there was spark! At least I thought so. He was a complete gentlemen, if not a little nervous but I thought we got on famously. He had walked to the pub where we had drinks (him a couple of beers, me Diet Coke) and dinner, so I drove him home not more than seven minutes away. We sat in the car outside his house and he told me about his home and the renovations he'd done to his house, he told me about the neighbours dodgy reno work and about his dog. There was a gentle kiss on the cheek goodbye and talk of going to the cinema next week.

All good, no? Well, I fucked it up I think by sending the first text the next morning. Just a thanks again for last night, really enjoyed meeting you, etc. More text followed and all seemed really well.

And then I sent the first text on the second day after our date. He had sent the last the night before so I thought it would be ok. But then yesterday Noo was playing with my phone and he accidentally sent a really random text of emojis to him. He replied and said he was just having a nap and then going out for dinner with his daughter and would text back later. He could have left it there and I seriously thought he would but he did text back saying hi and telling me about his day. I returned the text with a hi and how was dinner kind of message. He returned with comments about not feeling well after having a curry and that he should stop eating shit and get back to running. He then asked what I had for dinner.

Fuck, sorry about the detail... the clincher comes next.

So I text back saying that I had made a really nice and light meal of chicken sang chow bow. And following on from the exercise theme started in his text I said that I was looking forward to getting back to my spin classes once Noo went back to daycare. I said that I'd lost 20kg last year and was psyched to lose the last 5-10kg this year. And then NO REPLY.

Either he died of food poisoning from that Indian food he had or something about my text regarding my weight loss put him off.

Do you think guys would be turned off if they knew you used to be fat? Maybe it put the fear in him that if I could be that fat once, I could get that fat again?

Do you know what? I am so sick of all this self doubt and double guessing and reading between lines that don't even fucking exist. Maybe I was born to be single!

But I want more children. And my parents can't live forever and Noo will one day want to move out of home and I will be left alone.

I am now sitting here with a large McDonalds Quarter Pounder meal, stuck with a bit of burger and trying to wash it down with full strength Coke. Urgh. Why?

Why?

Don't answer.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Dating sucks

My band is really tight at the moment but I've been hovering between 79 and 81kg for weeks now. This always happens to me. I go through a burst of motivation and enthusiasm to eat well and exercise lose on average 1kg a week and then get bored with cooking and get complacent about exercise then hello plateauville.

My band is so tight it is really anti social. I can eat but very, very slowly or if I stick to really band friendly foods I can eat a little more and a little faster. These include cheese and crackers, popcorn, smoothies, Cruskits, some muesli bars, soups. You bandits out there know what I mean - either really crunchy or really soft/sloppy. When I'm being lazy about eating I tend to live on cheese and crackers and chocolate and popcorn. Not healthy from a calorie point of view and certainly not healthy from a nutritional viewpoint either.

My staple diet

I wrote the other day about my latest dating situation. I've decided I hate dating! I hate the anxiety of it all. The games that are suppose to be played. You know what I mean? Trying to not seem too keen while still expressing some interest. In this day and age where communication is so easy via social media or text message it is easy to fall into the trap of overly regular contact before you know the person well and then when they don't respond at the same pace or with the same enthusiasm it leaves the mind to fill the gaps trying to work out what each message really means or what they really are trying to tell me when they don't respond for 24 hours. Because seriously, we all have our mobile close at hand. For blokes, they are only in their pockets. There must be a message they are trying to tell me by not getting back within a couple of hours.

So my mind has been working overtime since my date on Monday night. Does he like me, does he not? Do I like him? Or do I really think our political differences are uncompromisable (is that even a word)? My complaint with the last relationship was that we fell into a trap of being too comfortable too soon and in too much contact too soon. This current guy and I have a date set for this afternoon so I should be happy, but why do I assume he can't be that interested because he hasn't sent me a tonne of texts everyday since the last date? 

This line of thinking then sends me into a spiral of self doubt and self hate. OMG, I must be so annoying! I must come across so desperate! So old! So needy! It goes on... Why does it have to be like this? Why do I have to be like this? I've never been great with men and relationships. The reason for that could take hours to write about and I'm sure it goes back to the way my mother hated my dad my whole life (except for the last 5-10 years) and how she basically taught my sister and me to either hate men, or fear them, but I don't want to go into that now. I've always believed that I've spent most of my life single, or with dickheads, either because I'm too fat, too needy, too aggressive, too drunk, too headstrong, too unable to play the game...

Noo and I went out and about just the two of us yesterday which is usual for a Saturday. We visited my mum in hospital (she's ok) and then went in search of somewhere to cool off (it was 30+ degrees here in Sydney). The first park we went to has a really great sprinkler system for the kids to run under but was packed, despite the fact that the water feature was broken. We left there and went to a local pool. I'd been resisting the pool because I had a small lump taken off my arm during the week and wasn't suppose to have it submerged in water for too long but the pool we went to has a great kids' wading pool so I didn't have to get wet. Anyway, the reason I'm writing about this is that I hate Saturdays in parks, pools, zoos... any place for kids. Saturday is Dad Day.

I'm pretty sure I've written about this before but I can't be bothered to go hunting out the link. All the places for kids are packed with older, school aged kids as well as the preschoolers and toddlers, and they come with their dads or as a family unit - with both parents. I don't want to sound bitter, because I'm not (I don't think), I made the choice to be a sole parent, but it is on these days that I realise I really would like to share this wonderful experience with someone. As well as share the hard times of raising a child.

In the kids' pool yesterday there was a couple with their little baby who might have been about six months old. Watching them share the delight in their baby's face as he padded and splashed around the shallows of the pool made my heart melt. I love seeing dads with their babies. The hardness of their masculinity disappears as they focus on their baby and as an onlooker you can just feel the love between them. I would love to share that with someone. Because the truth of it is I want more kids! But not alone. It is just too hard. 

The father issue has come up a lot lately because Noo is starting to realise he doesn't have one. He sometimes talks like he does and sometimes calls my dad - his pa - daddy. I feel really bad about that. Not because I'm not in contact with his biological father because getting that fuckwit out of our lives was the best thing I could have done for Noo but for not having another man in our lives we could both love and he could call dad. Or I wish his real dad was a decent bloke and could be in our lives but that is never ever going to happen.

*big sigh here* 

Anyway, I've written way more than I wanted to. It is a beautiful day here again and I have lots to do. I'll write later about this afternoon's date. He just text so we're all set. 

Now, what am I going to wear?


V.