Showing posts with label bad eating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bad eating. Show all posts

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Make some changes and get a life

19 days into the new year and nothing has changed. I feel so stagnant, almost paralysed. Change is obviously what I need but so much fear holds me back from doing anything. I'm tired and bored and irritate easily.

I need to get a job.

I'm the only one who can take the turn off.
Picture borrowed from Lifehack.org

Yuck! I wrote those couple of lines above a few days ago. Nothing has changed but I don't feel as desperate as I did on Thursday. At least I don't think I do.

Mum and dad have taken Noo away for a couple of days so I can have a break. I miss him badly already. Whenever I drop him at school I don't feel bad. I know he loves preschool. But for some reason I'm racked with mother's guilt this afternoon. I feel guilty for shipping him off. For feeling like a need a break from parenting.

People have started to notice I'm not feeling 100%. My parents and even a couple of my friends have asked if I am ok. I don't know what to say. Most people think I have an easy life. I only have one child and I don't work and I live with my parents. Life should be simple right?

These are the things that are worrying me at the moment:

1. My diet is shocking. I have sugar everyday. I crave it. My band is in the perfect place. I have to eat slowly, consciously chewing small mouthfuls of non starchy foods. Oats and prunes for breakfast, salad for lunch, protein and veggies for dinner. Great. I'm satiated after about an entrĂ©e size portion. Even better. The problem is in between meals I crave snacky stuff like popcorn or lollies and I never resist the bad stuff. Also after dinner I have to have chocolate or ice cream or both. Usually I have a small cone with low fat vanilla ice cream with crushed peanuts and Ice Magic on top. To die for... literally.

My weight is hovering around 80-82kg. I have been this weight most of my adult life. While it is so much better than being between 100-102kg I'm still 10kg short of my goal. I feel fat and ugly. I feel like I'm aging so fast now. I feel like I've wasted the best years of my life being fat. Who cares if I'm a bit overweight when I'm old? Now is when it matters. Especially seeing as I'd like to find a 'mate'. And I don't want a fat partner either. I think it is disgusting if I'm honest. My gut, my legs, my arse, my arms. Fucking disgusting. I find it completely repellent on a man too. I'm not saying I need a perfect Michelle Bridges 12 fucking wbt body. Just a normal size 12 would be awesome. Why the fuck then can't I stick to any diet? Why do I shove that chocolate in my gob, order that ice cream, buy those lollies, bake those chocolate chip bikkies? Why?

2. Exercise is currently not a part of my life. But I want it to be. Fear holds me back. I bought a 10 pack of visits to Fitness First that I have to use before March. I went the first time last year when I was attempting 12wbt. I liked the class but the gym scared me. Living in the city the nearest gyms to me are obviously frequented by city workers. I went to the Bond Street Fitness First and it was full of hot men and women who were so fit and fabulous and generally intimidating for a fatty like me. Sounds like such a bad excuse, and it is I know, but I can't seem to get past it. I haven't been to our gym downstairs either. I'm just so fucking slack. Slack and lazy.

3. Uni has started freaking me out. I dropped out last study period because my heart wasn't in it any more. My anxiety was through the roof because I was also trying to find a job and doing RSVP trying to find a man as well as trying to do 12wbt by the book and failing. Something had to give so I gave up uni. My first application for special circumstances was rejected but finally my second was accepted. I've enrolled again in the same subject for the next study period which is a relief but I'm worried I'll fail again. The study period doesn't begin until 27 February so I really should use this time wisely and get started on redoing assignment 1 ahead of time.

4. The work situation scares me witless! I don't even want to write about it really. I know I need a job for my own sanity but having that kind of commitment terrifies me. For too long I haven't been expected anywhere really. Noo is the only one that makes me do anything and that is for love so it is ok. He loves me even when I fuck up. What if I actually do get a job and I don't do it right or I wake up every morning again hyperventilating with anxiety about having to go and perform around a bunch of strangers. And this market is so tight! Especially for part time admin roles. I've had so many rejections. Before my breakdown I got every job I ever interviewed for. I'm excellent at what I do but I can't seem to get a foot in the door anywhere now.

So that is it I think. My poor me middle class problems.

I should stop whining and start doing but I'm so tired. I need another life changing epiphany. That lightning bolt. That breakthrough. Just some sort of kick up the arse that gets me moving again.

V.








Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Let's get positive

Thank you everyone for your comments. This band stuff is so overwhelming sometimes and it is great to know that you guys are there reading. I'm sorry I haven't been over to your blogs for a while. I will get there as soon as my assignments have been handed in.


I suppose I should acknowledge my anonymous reader... I'm pretty sure I know who you are. Thanks for your kind words. I don't know how comfortable I am having my old world collide with my new one, but that is the nature of the internet. I am acutely aware that whatever I post on here is free for all to read and I guess that is part of the appeal, but it also poses as a potentially dangerous risk. I don't think the danger is with my past, but my future is where my fear lies. 


That's all I'm going to say on that.


****


After weeks of letting this bad feeling build up I finally let it all go yesterday. I had my appointment with the surgeon in the morning and it turns out that my band is in the right place and all is how it is suppose to be, except for my hunger, which he said I have to determine is real hunger or just head hunger. Fuck head hunger! I don't want any hunger. The doc gave me a slight fill, adding just 2/3 of the .1ml that was taken out last time but I wish I could supplement my band with an appetite suppressant that 1. worked; 2. was not addictive; and 3. was legal. All the ones I know of that meet requirement 1. definitely don't comply with requirement 2. or 3. and the ones that do comply with 2. and 3. definitely don't meet requirement 1. Get it?


So, yeah, yesterday I let it all go. On the phone to mum, as usual. Poor love. Burst my eyes out crying "I'm lonely, I'm fat, I'm over it, I'm hungry, I'm tired, I need help." Poor me. I cried for about an hour and then said fuck it to the uni work and made a cup of tea and sat in front of an episode of Big Love with a whole packet of Arnott's Venetian biscuits. I ate 12 biscuits one after the other. First binge in well over six months. About 700 calories worth in half an hour. 


After I felt relieved. It was out of my system. After the show I picked myself off the couch and went and picked up my boy from day care. It always bring a smile to my face to see those gorgeous blue eyes look up at me like I'm the most wonderful person in the world. And to him, I am!


So, positive thinking. Here are some good things things that have happened in recent weeks that I have not focused enough on:


1. My son is the most gorgeous little boy in the world, who loves me no matter what.


2. I got a Distinction for my very first uni assignment and a high Credit for my very first uni essay. Currently a Distinction overall for the subject.


3. I have lost 52% of my excess bodyweight since getting the lap-band on 6 September last year.


4. My BMI has dropped 4.4 points in six months and I am no longer in the obese category.


5. I bought a size 14 top last week in the 'normal' section at Myer. Actually in the 'youth' section. 


6. I started working. Wow. Just one day a week but I'm actually working in an office doing stuff using the skills I've learnt at TAFE and what I'm now learning at uni. But, really, I'm working! After three years off. This is a major breakthrough.





Noo and me playing on the floor Sunday arvo




Back to my assignment now. My next assignment is worth 35% of my overall score and I'm only halfway done and it is due Monday so I've got to get cracking. Will post again once it has been submitted.


V.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

D O W N town

Warning: This is another depressing blog post with heavy swearing.


I am D O W N. And I hate it. I don't know what the fucking problem is. I'm eating too much, spending too much and not focusing enough on my studies. I hate to say it but I am L O N E L Y. I'm spelling it out rather than saying the word in full. Seems less real. 


My weight is not changing but why should it? I'm eating way too many calories every day and can't seem to get back that motivation I had at the start of this lap-band journey. I'm filled with my old sense of 'poor me I've had a bad day/hour/minute so I deserve that biscuit/ice cream/lolly'.


The weekends are the worst. Most of my friends are busy and my parents are away and basically I just hang out with Noo. I love my son, he is my world, but I need more adult company. I miss my mum staying down with us like she was at the end of last year. Things have changed and she is spending more time away with my dad, which is fair enough, but I miss her. I guess it is up to me to find my own partner now... but is the time right?


I put a ban on dating when I left Noo's father before Noo was even born. I promised myself I would stay out of the dating scene until I got myself together physically and emotionally. That was nearly three years ago! I also wanted to dedicate myself to raising Noo, with the help of my parents, without the distraction of a new man. But how do I know when I'm ready to get out there again? I thought being ready would mean having lost 30kg and being back at work, but those two things are taking much longer than I expected them too. I have started volunteering one day a week, working in an office, so that is one step forward. But my weight? FUCKING HELL! Just look at my blog's banner. I reached my last goal of 90kg on 15 November 2010. That was three months ago! And it is my six month bandiversary in a couple of weeks and I still haven't made it half way. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? Oh my god. I could cry.


I have got so much stuff to read and do for uni that I haven't had time to read other people's blogs. I've also just signed up for another two subjects next study period. Crikey! This always happens. I sign myself up to do lots and end up doing nothing. Well, not exactly nothing, but I feel overwhelmed. All I wanna do is lay on the couch and read novels or watch TV. I have such good TV to catch up on! Big Love, Californication, the last episode of 30 Rock season 5...


Has anyone tried hypnosis? Maybe I need to be hynotised and have someone reprogram me to get back on this diet. I so don't want to be a lap-band failure. I had the barium swallow on Wednesday. God, that was pretty disgusting. The actual taste wasn't so bad but the texture and thickness was vile. It was pretty cool though watching the screen as the xray showed the goo going down my throat and into my tummy. The radiologist said he couldn't see any problems with my band but I have to see my surgeon on Monday to find out for sure. I also have an appointment to see the dietitian. While I'm there I'm going to ask for an appointment with the psychologist. I need my head shrunk over this stalling in my motivation.


Something has to change.


Hope everyone else is doing better than me!


V.













Sunday, January 9, 2011

Getting serious about working the band

Yesterday I listed the issues that are currently affecting my anxiety. Today I'm going to put together some clear goals as to how to deal with these problems. 


1. Keeping Noo active


This is a constant source of guilt for me. I know Noo wants to be outside running around all the time but I just can't provide that for him. I know he feels cooped up in the apartment, but what can I do? I think it is fair that I take him out for a play for half the day and the other half we spend in doors so I can do my study/blogging.


And we are often out more than half a day doing all sorts of fun stuff like swimming, walking, going to the zoo, the beach, the aquarium. And when we are home he has everything he could possibly want: all the toys, books and TV shows a kid his age could possibly need! And I don't just leave him to it. I'm always in the room with him and I talk to him while he plays on the floor and I work at the dining room table. Surely this is enough!


Thank goodness daycare starts back tomorrow so we'll both get some welcome relief.


Out and about in Hyde Park yesterday afternoon to check out
the Sydney Festival First Night event




2. Getting my diet back on track


OK, this is a big one. My next appointment for a fill is on Tuesday and then I'm going to start a version of the Liver Cleansing Diet. I haven't got the book but my sister and brother-in-law have done it several times and I've learnt the basics from them.


Basically the rules are you can eat as much as you like of the following:

  • Vegetables
  • Fruit
  • Nuts and seeds
  • Legumes
  • Cold pressed oils (eg extra virgin olive oil)
  • Lean white meat (eg chicken)
  • Fish (including prawns)
  • Eggs
  • Spices, vinegar, mustard - as long as it is not sweetened

I think I'll struggle with these after a fill, but also allowed are low GI carbs in moderation: 

  • Low GI pasta - spelt, brown
  • Low GI breads - spelt, sourdough and other whole grain breads
  • Low GI rice - Doongara Clever Rice

The following foods must be eliminated from my diet completely:

  • Dairy - I really don't like the idea of this because I think skim milk is an excellent source of calcium and it is not bad for you so I'm only going to do this for the first 10 days
  • Red meat (eg beef, lamb) - I'm not so keen on this because my iron levels are always low and as lean read meat is the best source of haem iron I'd rather not remove it completely but I'll do it for the first 10 days
  • Sugar has to go completely but honey is allowed which is great
  • No alcohol is allowed but that's no problem for me!
  • No caffeine is allowed. Hmmm. Not into this rule at all! I'll forgo cappuccinos for the first 10 days but my black coffee and Diet Coke stay  

Hardcore fact to think about to keep me on track: Just like alcohol and cigarettes, foods that are high in saturated fat and sugar are poison and can also cause death. 




3. Add some exercise into my week


For some reason I didn't have this one on my list yesterday but really it should be there. I haven't stuck to an exercise routine since 2009! That's a whole year without planned exercise and I really think if I'm ever going to get to my goal weight I need to get to the gym. 


I have absolutely NO EXCUSE not to exercise. To put myself to shame, check this out:

  • I have a fully equipped gym in my building only three floors down in the lift where I live. It is never busy and there's a big screen TV to watch while using the cardio equipment.
  • I bought a tiny iPod Shuffle in 2009 to use while exercising and I've NEVER used it!
  • I have a 25 metre swimming pool in the building that, like the gym, is never busy so I could be doing laps.
  • I live right near Sydney Harbour, considered one of the most beautiful harbours in the world, and has the best walking/running routes around it. Joggers and walkers are everywhere around here but yet, I sit back, trying to think up excuses!
  • Although I'm flat out doing study on the days Noo is at daycare, I really should be able to fit in an hour of exercise on those three days. 

How bad is that! I am so fortunate to have all these things right at my fingertips and I just take them for granted. The gym, the pool and the million dollar views around the Harbour cost me NOTHING to use! Zilch, nadda, zero cash. 


I told you guys how I joined a gym back in late November, well about two weeks after that I managed to get out of the membership. I just knew I wouldn't go. Who was I kidding? If it is such an effort to go three floors down, how the fuck did I think I was going to get in the car and drive 20 minutes to go to a gym! I astound myself sometimes. I really do.


I've just got to break out of this fear of exercise. That's what it has got to be that holds me back. Fear and laziness. What else could it be? I've just got to go. 


So the goal is to have three planned exercise sessions a week. These can include any combination of the following:

  • 45-60 minutes walking around the Harbour
  • 45-60 minutes at the gym doing a combination of cardio and weight resistance training
  • 30-45 minutes swimming laps

Hardcore facts to think about to keep me on track: Regular physical activity can...
  • Help prevent heart disease, stroke and high blood pressure
  • Reduce the risk of developing type II diabetes and some cancers
  • Help build and maintain healthy bones, muscles and joints reducing the risk of injury 
  • Promote psychological wellbeing.




I'll weigh in tomorrow morning as usual and set weight loss goal then. Basically I want to get back to losing a kilo a week. 


There is no one else that can do this but me! I've got the band, the psychotherapy skills, the cooking and food knowledge skills as well as the exercise equipment - all the tools to get me to be the happy, healthy and slim gorgeous woman that I want to be! 


Now I've just got to deal with the short term discomfort in order to accomplish the long term gain.


I CAN DO IT!

I HAVE TO DO IT!


I am never going to be completely happy with myself while I still look in the mirror and see a fat woman looking back at me. 


The last three issues are uni work, spending and getting back to work. As this post is pretty long already I'll leave those for another day.


I'm feeling pumped to get started on this diet/exercise challenge as soon as I get my fill on Tuesday.  So my ten day challenge starts on 11 January and concludes on 20 January. The diet doesn't end there, but hopefully this 10 day kick start will get the kegs moving again.



If you made it this far... thanks for reading.


V.



Saturday, January 8, 2011

5 minute check in/anxiety reliever

Feeling blah today. Mum and dad have gone back up to the Blue Mountains after having been with us for a month. My sister is busy and most of my friends are away. I'm kind of feeling the solitude today - in an uncomfortable way. Not that I'm on my own. Noo is here, but you know what I mean... adult company is what I'm missing.


It is a beautiful warm day here but we are in doors so I can spend time on my uni work. I feel bad cos the TV has been on all day as a distraction for Noo. We did go down for a swim at 9 this morning and played around for about 40 minutes but Noo, understandably, is dying to get out again.


It is the Sydney Festival First Night tonight which starts off at 3pm with stuff for kids. Noo and I will walk up to Hyde Park in a little while to check it out. 


I have a little anxiety today and I'm going to type out the reasons and hopefully that will help quell that nauseous guilty feeling I have at the moment.


1. I feel bad Noo is stuck in doors.
2. A month of bad eating is starting to take its toll. Feel fat, especially around my face. Also feel guilty that I've let myself off my diet for so long. Desperately need a fill!
3. I have so much uni work to do for just the one unit. Either university is just massively more work than TAFE or I'm not good at managing my workload... maybe I'm spending more time on things than I need too.
4. I'm skint. Again! I am such a poor money manager I always run out of money half way through the month. 
5. I know I have to start thinking about going back to work soon but I'm PETRIFIED! To the point of feeling sick about it. 


OK. Hmmm, typing it out didn't make me feel that much better actually. I better make a list of what to do to tackle all these issues. First though, better get ready to go out. Noo is gonna start pulling the place apart out of boredom. Plus I'll be able to strike problem one off the list.


Speak later.


V.