Writing as therapy: When the self saboteur comes visiting

Writing as therapy

This is going to be one of those posts that I whine about my failures. Particularly my bloody weight issues. It takes up so much of my headspace that this blog would be a lie if I didn't write about it here. And anyway, when I asked Shrink for his advice on how to get back on the diet bandwagon he said "blog about it".

The self saboteur has come again

Chocolate is my drug of choice these days and I am in full blown active addiction. Again.

I've gained back all 5kg I lost last year and I'm not liking it at all. Yet my self saboteur grabs another Malteaser and shoves it in my gob, the smooth chocolate coating combined with the perfectly crunchy centre soothes me, if only for a second.

Chocolate, cake, ice cream, lollies and lots of them. I'm even drinking more Diet Coke than I usually allow myself because my self saboteur says I can. She plays with the fact that I have absolutely no self control of my addictions especially when I've been rejected, criticised, blamed or judged poorly.

Last year when I quit sugar and did Droptober I felt so determined and full of motivation to lose weight and get healthy. I felt light, my moods were more stable, my headaches were gone, I slept better and woke up better. I felt clean and I even felt like I actually loved my body. It was such a sweet lovely feeling. And my self saboteur was nowhere to be seen!

That's all gone now. I feel heavy and toxic. My headaches are back and my joints ache. I'm back in my fat clothes and I certainly do not heart my body. I feel old. My self saboteur is back and she encourages me to consume yet another bowl of ice cream and chocolate sauce. It will make you feel better, she says. Who cares if you get fat, she insists, this tastes too good to give a shit. You've suffered and you deserve a reward. My self saboteur is very convincing.

I've put it out on my Facebook feed, and on this blog, so many times that I'm back on the wagon, this time will be it, blah, blah, blah. Then I get a little set back and she's back! She can smell my fears and sensitivities from a mile away!

Last night I put this tweet out there...

Has anyone tried hypnosis to stop eating chocolate? I'm desperate. Chocoholics Anonymous where are you?
— Vanessa Beattie (@BabblingBandit) April 25, 2013

...and got this response

@babblingbandit stopping buying it is quite effective? ;-)
— Plain Jane (@Janey_uk) April 25, 2013

I wish it were that easy!

I hate myself when my self saboteur shows up but I feel completely powerless by her control over me. I am simply unable to sacrifice "short term gratification for the sake of long term goals" to quote my schema therapy book (which I highly recommend but should note I've also had extensive experience with group and one on one schema therapy). This is especially the case when I'm not feeling great about something.

You see I have the insufficient self control/self discipline schema (or as I call it my self saboteur). This is a basic summary:

"Insufficient Self-Control/Self-Discipline

This schema refers to the inability to tolerate any frustration in reaching one’s goals, as well as an inability to restrain expression of one’s impulses or feelings. When lack of self-control is extreme, criminal or addictive behavior rule your life. Parents who did not model self-control, or who did not adequately discipline their children, may predispose them to have this schema as adults."

- A Client’s Guide to Schema Therapy

I don't have tantrums any more (although I did up until about four years ago) but I'm impulsive. I always have been. I do things without thinking about the consequences, much like a toddler does. Although I know the consequences, I just choose to block them out during that moment of frustration or upset. Couple insufficient self control with my defectiveness schema and I'm the perfect candidate for addiction because I use the vice (in the past drugs and alcohol and now sugar) to overcome or avoid those feelings of defectiveness. It is a self defeating prophecy because by constantly failing to stem the impulsivity, and tell that bitch the self saboteur to fuck off, I'm just fueling the defectiveness. It is a vicious circle I've been playing in all my life.

"Defectiveness/Shame 

This schema refers to the belief that one is internally flawed, and that, if others get close, they will realize this and withdraw from the relationship. This feeling of being flawed and inadequate often leads to a strong sense of shame. Generally parents were very critical of their children and made them feel as if they were not worthy of being loved."

- A Client’s Guide to Schema Therapy

I want to find that golden moment again where I make the decision to tell my self saboteur to go to hell, and flick that magic switch in my brain that turns me back into the person I love: Motivated, pumped, committed. I want to hold onto that chick forever but I never do.

I told you all a little while ago that I was seeing a guy that I really liked. I put the hard word on him and I waited for a response. And I waited. The prick kept me waiting, giving me little life lines along the way but never having the balls to come straight out and say what he needed to say. When it became clear that it was over I just ate more chocolate. My self saboteur sniffed rejection and said fuck it, what is the point in being slim if a man doesn't want you, you might as well alone and fat forever.

I've come to the realisation that my diet is related to whether or not I'm dating. I lose weight, feel good, start dating, meet someone, get complacent because the relationship isn't right, put on weight, the relationship is over, mourn with chocolate, want to start dating again, lose weight...

Yes, I am a geek that keeps a record of my weight in an Excel spreadsheet and have done so for 10 years!

My whole sense of self worth must be centred around whether or not a man could love me. My defective self thinks I am unlovable if I am overweight so my self saboteur swoops in to provide evidence of that fact. Are you with me?

It has been a month since I sent him that text asking him where our three months of dating was heading. I've gained 2.5kg in the last four weeks and 2kg in the month before (which I can attribute to my attempt to return to office work).

I don't want to blame that dick-face for my weight gain. Or my anxiety about work and my subsequent mood slide. I need to take responsibility for my own health. I just hate that when I feel like shit (defectiveness schema) I do my utmost to make myself feel shittier in the guise of trying to make myself feel better (insufficient self control schema).

I guess it is lucky I have a psych appointment this week to work this shit through.

If you made it this far through this "writing as therapy" session, thank you.

What are your coping mechanisms? Go for a nice long walk? Meditate? Or shove your gob full of chocolate cake like me?

V.

Don't miss a single babble! Enter your email address (your deets are safe with me):


Delivered by FeedBurner

babblingbandit.me does Droptober: It was all about the food

One of the best things about registering for Droptober - Just lose 2kg has been the return of my cooking mojo (for pictures see here). When I came home from London five years ago I lost it. I wrote about it back in 2010 so this has clearly been a long term issue. My cooking mojo has come and gone since 2007 but mostly I have been a lazy eater. Especially this year.

Back when I was working the usual Monday to Friday I always spent half my afternoon (if not more) thinking about what I would cook in the evening for dinner. I looked for recipes online or in my many cookbooks and then I picked up anything I needed from the supermarket on the way home. Preparing and cooking food was a way to wind down after a big day at the office. I loved it.

Post my break down in 2007, as my interest in food waned my waistline expanded - weird, right? You'd think I should have lost weight if I didn't care about food any more. But I replaced my drug and alcohol addictions with chocolate, lollies and cake. I ate whatever was easiest: cheese and crackers for dinner, or pizza delivery or greesy Chinese takeaway or coffee and biscuits. Lots of high fat and sugar loaded, low nutrition food.

I tried Lite n Easy, Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers. None of them inspired me to feel any love for fresh fruit and veggies. I even discussed it with my old psychiatrist: Why don't I care about cooking and eating well when it used to be such a part of my daily routine? She thought I might have an association with the whole preparing/cooking/eating ritual with having a glass of wine or four. But I didn't think that was it. Before I lived in London, I never drank during the week and I was cooking most nights then. There had to be more to it.

Now most of my family are watching their weight in the lead up to summer. Even my parents have a plan to get back on the weight loss bandwagon starting from 1 November. Yolanda was trying to give our mum a pep talk the other day to get her psyched. Yo told mum all she had to do was the following, for just one month to see what happens:

1. Quit all sugar
2. Stop eating butter and cheese
3. Eat red meat only once a week
4. Walk every day

That shouldn't be too hard. Yo didn't say she had to count calories or write down what she ate and calculate points or go to the gym. But our mum, the retired chef, exclaimed: "I'll just have to lose interest in food!". Now that is a weird theory, for sure. It makes the assumption that if you want to lose weight you can only eat boring food not worth having an interest in. I know, and I bet you know, that is so not the truth!

Personally, I believe the opposite and participating in Droptober has helped me realise:

When I feel good and care about myself, when I 'heart my body' and want to treat it right, my love affair with cooking and eating good food is reignited. 

The colour and vibrancy, the smells, textures and tastes of fresh fruit and vegetables, meat and nuts, seeds and legumes and grains... become alive again!

How good does this look? YUM!

So here I am, on the evening of the last day of Droptober. As of this morning I am DOWN 3.5kg since the beginning of the month, far exceeding the Droptober goal of losing just 2kg but 2.5kg short of personal goal of 6kg.

But I have achieved a HUGE amount:

I have gone 40 DAYS without a single bit of chocolate

I have been (almost) sugar free for 40 days

My mood has been stable for the whole month (minus 48 hours last weekend)

My energy levels have been high

The headaches I've been suffering from for YEARS have completely disappeared

And, last but by no means least, I have raised $330 (as of this evening)
for the Droptober charities Variety - The Children's Charity and Kid's for Life.

How good is all that!

Rather than singing yeehah and gorging on the nearest bit of chocolate I'm on to the next challenge: Sarah Wilson's "I quit sugar pre-Christmas program" and the BB sugar experiment continues. Plenty more on that to come.


V.

babblingbandit.me does Droptober: The home stretch

Only three more days left of Droptober - Just lose 2kg. This month has gone so quickly, like I wrote earlier this week, it has flown. As the 31st rolls near I can feel my rock solid resolve to lose weight and get healthy start to waver ever so slightly. I felt the addiction centre of my brain, which has always had such control over me, try to bully the tiny, but growing willpower sector. If there was a chocoholics anonymous meeting nearby, I'd go. I need someone to place their hands on my shoulders, look me in the eyes and say: you can do this.

Maybe I should just look in the mirror and say it to myself: You can do this Vanessa!

I've been feeling a bit iffy these last few days. I can't quite put a name to it. Not physically off but mentally out of kilter. The morning I woke up and wrote about how I heart my body I felt great. More than great: hell, I posted a frigging picture of myself in my undies on the world wide web for all to see. There's no way I would have done that a few months ago. Probably not even last month!

Friday morning, I'd literally just woken up, my eyes still puffy from sleep and my hair boofy from rubbing against my pillow through the night. I had no makeup on, no product in my mane and I felt natural and healthy and happy and satisfied with myself and my body. So I took the snap, wrote the piece and clicked on that publish button with only a hint of doubt about what I was doing.

By Friday afternoon that awesome buzz of confidence and happiness started to fade and I don't know why. It might have been from spending the morning with Noo who started every sentence while we were out with "Mummy, I want". It might have been because I had made a commitment to help some people in the afternoon but cancelled at the last minute. It might have been because my parents were back in the city for a week. Or it might have been because I broke my sugar ban by finishing off Noo's Killer Python therefore adding pure candy sugar to my diet for the first time in weeks, making me feel guilty as well as kind of disgusting.

I blame you Killer Python!
Photo source

The morning before I saw Shrink for the first time in about six weeks. It had been great to have such a break from the never ending navel gazing that is self analysis. When I walked into his office I felt terrific and I kind of wondered to myself why I was there. I would only talk with him about what had been going on in between appointments - the superficial stuff. I didn't want my great mood brought down by dragging out and picking apart the past.

We talked about dating and dieting, about my medications and my upcoming appointment with another psychiatrist to get a second opinion on my ADHD diagnosis. I told him that although I'd been dating a few blokes, I didn't think I'd found the elusive Mr Right just yet.

The thing is, I'm not bothered that either of guys I have been dating are not The One. I've been enjoying their company and I've really loved getting to know some new people. Challenging myself to push out of my usual comfort zones (eg ProBlogger Event and the online dating experiences) have been very confidence boosting. My diet has been fantastic (except for aforementioned Killer Python) and my three day pseudo juice detox I mentioned the other day helped me drop another kilo.

So why has my mood shifted down a notch?

Time for some more analysing? Or wait til it passes?

I want to feel naturally high on life everyday. I want to feel contentment and satisfaction and love and patience and gratitude. Every. Single. Day.

But I want never gets, right? At least that is what I tell Noo.

Over these remaining 72 hours of Droptober I pledge to do the following:

• Keep away from sugar and chocolate and keep to my healthy low carb, high protein diet.
• Exercise at our gym every morning on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.
• Drink lots of water.
• Stay positive.
• Have fun.

Are you an over analyser like me? Is that even possible? Do you find you can feel so good one minute and then seemingly out of the blue feel down? Or at least a bit sideways?

I hope you have had a great weekend wherever you are and that you start the week tomorrow with a smile on your face.

And don't forget it is not too late to throw a couple of dollars in the direction of Variety - The Children's Charity through my Droptober page.


V.

babblingbandit.me does Droptober: 8 days to go

I just cannot believe it is the 23rd of Droptober already! Where have the last 22 days gone?

There were four days in Melbourne for the ProBlogger Training Event 2012. We also had my mum's birthday lunch on the first Saturday of the month. Um... what else? Looking after Miss Mala Moo, my beautiful niece. Several dates. Playing with Noo. The odd spot of blogging...

It catches up alright! 

Now there are only eight days left until Droptober is over. I'm feeling the pressure to drop this weight in time. I started off really well and between when I registered on 24 September through to one week into the month, I was down 2.4kg. Awesome start! I've had two training sessions with the lovely Mike Jarosky and I've done as much incidental exercise as I possibly can. 

My eating has been better than it has been in a very long time: I'm 29 days chocolate free and, except for a few minor slips, I've been completely sugar free. I've continued to eat fruit but only around two pieces a day. I've pretty much stuck to three meals a day with either a piece of fruit or a handful of raw nuts for a snack.

Some of the yummy whole food I've eaten during Droptober - Just lose 2kg!

Despite all this exemplary behaviour I haven't lost any more since that first weigh in. Yo, my sister, keeps telling me I look good and should stop weighing myself. But when the numbers on the scale go down it gives me motivation! I thrive off watching those digits get smaller and smaller. But they're not helping me while they hover around the same place.

Why are they torturing me? Why aren't I losing this weight? 

You know, I don't think I'd feel bad about the numbers on the scale if it wasn't for the pressure of Droptober and the want to lose weight as promised to my sponsors (don't forget it isn't too late to sponsor me too! It is all for charity!). But on the other hand, if it wasn't for Droptober I wouldn't have this rock solid commitment to keep pushing past what I see on the scales to keep up the good eating and exercise.

So with just over a week left I am reinforcing my commitment to change by undertaking a three day juice detox. Yolanda and her husband are in it with me which helps enormously. We're living on mostly veggie juice for three days with only one light meal a day. Fingers crossed this is the kick start my body needs to start dropping the kegs again.

Wish me luck! 

How do you stay motivated when trying to lose weight?

V.

Linking up with Jess for #IBOT

babblingbandit.me does Droptober: Week 1 round up

If you follow babblingbandit.me on Twitter or Facebook or you've read this post about my failed attempts at losing weight in 2012 or you've read this post about me finally getting inspired, you will know that I'm currently undertaking Droptober - Just Lose 2kg.

And guess what?

It is working!

I had a sneaky jump on the scales on Friday (even though I usually only weigh in on Mondays) and discovered I'm down 2.5kg since last Monday 24 September. How awesome is that! I'm finally back on the weight loss bandwagon!

All I've done is cut out sugar, cheese and reduced my serving sizes. I've become more conscious about incidental exercise so have taken all the physical options: take the stairs instead of the lift, walk instead of the car, that type of thing.

The next step is to raise the intensity.

On Friday I did my first training session with Mike Jarosky, the founder of Droptober. It was awesome. Hard and a bit nerve racking at first, but still awesome. I hadn't done a proper workout since about March and was a bit worried about my lack of form. It didn't take long until we were right into the session. Mike pushed me just hard enough. He wasn't scary or intimidating like some trainers I've had in the past. And he explained and demonstrated each exercise clearly and helped me when I needed it.

The session went like this:

2 minutes uphill walking
15 back pulls
15 swiss ball squats
15 push ups
20 second plank
15 curl-press
10 step ups each Side
500 metres on the bike

After going through this circuit three times we walked back in the direction of my place and hit the steep steps from Hickson Road to Kent Street. Dead Man Steps they should be called. First time we went up, I thought I actually might pass out. When I was told I had to do it again straight away, I nearly fell over. But I did it. And it felt great.

Very flushed exercise glow after first intensive workout

Food is another area that has improved hugely since signing up for Droptober. I'm becoming more interested in healthy food again, with cooking and being active in making healthy food choices. I'm becoming more present to my body sensations so I'm only eating when I'm actually hungry, not snacking constantly through the day on shit.

My warm veggie, tuna and farro salad

My brother's prawn and salad Vietnamese summer rolls

Seven days into Droptober and I'm kicking goals. The weight is coming off and I'm feeling great.

I'm very pumped for what next week has in store. It will be a challenging week full of temptation as I'm heading to Melbourne for the ProBlogger Conference which I'm very excited about. More on that soon!


V.


Disclaimer: This isn't a paid sponsored post, although Mike Jarosky has generously given me his time to train me for one hour. All opinions are my own, as always.

Wordless Wednesday

Kicking arse with Droptober

Noo and I are so lucky to live near Observatory Hill

That's the last time I was $3 on a soft serve! Especially when I can't eat the leftovers

My love

My number one love

Never gets old

Perfect 'where you stood' pic for #FMSPHOTOADAY

The truly divine Miss M

Linking up with Trish for Wordless Wednesday at

babblingbandit.me does Droptober: day 1

So here we are:  Monday Droptober 1st!

I'm totally pumped to get this thing going and make Droptober a massive success. Since I signed up last week I haven't made any serious changes to my diet or exercise. All I've done is cut out chocolate, lollies and cakes for a week and I can already feel things starting to change. I've lost 1.2kg already! Not only has my weight started to go down, but my commitment is growing with every day I get through without sucumbing to temptation.

With today being Monday the 1st, what better way to start Droptober than by meeting up with the founder of this awesome initiative: Michael Jarosky.

Mike is a really great guy. He is friendly and oozes enthusiasm. We met down at King Street Wharf and both marvelled at what a beautiful Sydney day it was. A great day to be out and about and exercising! Well, at least we were talking about exercising.

I thought I'd catch up with Mike to get some inspiration to get myself started. We know how many times I've jumped on and off the weight loss bandwagon this year. This time the only option is success. Even if I just drop 2kg. But I'm seriously gunning for more.

Inspiration is an important theme for Droptober and in his first blog post Mike discussed it here. He talks about some amazing people who have achieved some amazing things despite the odds, but I got inspired simply by having a chat with this guy who is trying to make a difference by motivating people like me to look at their lifestyle, make a few changes and raise some money for charity in the process.

First question I asked Mike was what was his light bulb moment that made him realise that he needed to make some serious changes to his lifestyle. Because Mike has been here too: overweight and under exercised and living a shitty lifestyle that was only making him extremely unhealthy.

The epiphany came when he woke up drunk, after passing out on his lounge room floor, to find a half eaten 12 inch sub by his side. I laughed, remembering doing the same when I was still a drinker and child free. Although for me, it wasn't a sub, it was a half eaten Quarter Pounder stuck to the inside of my doona. Gross.

So what's the secret to getting started, staying motivated and achieving results?

Mike's message is simple:

• Make a commitment
• Declare it to anyone who will listen
• Get inspired
• Make achievable goals
• Eat less and well
• Exercise more and with intensity
• Keep it simple
• Give it your best effort

My signed commitment statement

So there! I've done it. I've made a public commitment to do this thing.

If you want to give me a little bit more of a push and sponsor me, check out my Droptober sponsorship page here. Remember some great charities including Variety and Kids for Life will benefit from every dollar raised.

Monday is now Droptober check in day here at babblingbandit.me so remember to come back and see how I'm going next week. I will also tell you more about what I learnt from Mike today.

V.

PS. Massive thanks to Michael Jarosky for giving me some of his time today.

babblingbandit.me does Droptober!

2012: a year of failed attempts to lose weight

As anyone who reads this blog regularly would know I've made a number of attempts this year to get back on the weight loss bandwagon with very little success. It is amazing how easy it has been to fall into old habits, even after successfully losing 20kg since having my lapband installed. To be fair, I have had a lot of issues this year: my mood slid downwards, my lapband had to be loosened and I endured a bad case of anaemia and Restless Leg Syndrome. It was enough to put me right back where I was before weight loss surgery: pigging out on chocolate and lollies and all things bad for me!

I have to get back to crossing off these goals!

Comfort eating: Just don't do it 

Despite weighing 80kg, I started 2012 feeling pretty terrible, going by my blog posts in January. Check this one out. I sound miserable. Life was getting me down. Then a couple of days later my mood has improved somewhat but I'm spewing up food stuck in my lapband.

By February I'm attempting to exercise more but I'm chronically backed up, and telling anyone who'll listen about it. My Restless Leg Syndrome got worse, bringing with it terrible anxiety and exhaustion. What do I do when I'm anxious and tired? Eat all the stuff that is bad for me.

I didn't blog about it at the time but I remember it all too well: It was sometime in late February that I got gastro and spent a lovely evening from 5pm to 2am chucking my guts up. With a lapband, food can go in your mouth, down your throat and slowly through the band and into the stomach. Once it is through to the other side, it ain't coming back UP again. When lapbandits talk about PBing (productive burping) the food that comes up hasn't made it past the band. It has just been sitting in the pouch on top of the band so it doesn't hurt to bring it up.

With every convulsion my body shook and I retched in pain as I felt the foreign body within my abdomen move up and down my oesophagus. After what seems like forever, I finally got my dad to get me to the emergency room. There I was given morphine for the pain and all but 2mls of the fluid in my lap-band was removed to release the pressure around the top of my stomach. A few days later I weighed in at 79kg, the lowest I'd been since I first got my band installed.

I went back to my surgeon later that week and he was very impressed with my weight. He said that 79kg was a very healthy weight for me and suggested I now try to manage my diet without such tight restriction in my band. I agreed.

Attempting to go it alone: Fail

Since then I have attempted to live with low restriction in my lapband so I can eat bread and other carbs, as well as lean protein without having to worry about getting stuck all the time. I was amazed that, even though I could eat without getting stuck, I was still feeling full much quicker than I did pre-lapband. I figured I could eat small portions of good food like normal person.

It didn't take long before my weight slowly started to creep back up so I made several appointments to go back to my surgeon in order to get a fill to increase the restriction in my band, therefore decreasing the amount, and type, of food I could consume. Each time I cancelled. I was so sick of having to be cautious about every little morsel I put in my mouth. The whole cutting up into tiny pieces and chewing carefully and waiting 30 seconds between each mouthful. Eating shouldn't be such a chore! Plus I loved having bread, pasta and rice back in my diet.

But my attempt to eat like a normal person failed. And put on 7 kg.

I thought if only I could give up the bad stuff I'd lose it again. But my addiction to sugar is so strong:  I made a really lame attempt to give up chocolate for a month in a bet with my mum and sister. I failed. And then I tried to quit sugar because that is what everyone else is doing and the kegs are dropping off these people. Not me. Another fail.

It's all about ME

I finally did go back to my surgeon a couple of weeks ago and he put a bit of fill in. Not really enough because I can still eat bread, pasta, rice. I will definitely be going back for more soon but I know I have to do this, lapband or not. Only I can make that mindset change and just fucking do it.

I have learnt so much over the last few months about what's good and what's not. In particular, I've learnt an enormous amount about sugar. Basically, it has got to go.

And this has to be a lifestyle change. It needs to be a package deal: Eat less and better and exercise more.

So...

With just three months left of the year, I am making a pledge to myself and to anyone who would like to sponsor me: I've signed up for Droptober. Not only will your sponsorship give me an enormous about of motivation to stick to my guns, you will also be helping the Children's Charity, Variety.

I've started early because I'm hoping to drop those pesky 7 kg I've put on since March.

This is it. I'm psyched. I'm currently up to day six without chocolate and I've had very little sugar.

I'll be blogging about Droptober through the month.

And if you'd like to help motivate me and at the same time help raise some money for Variety go to my spaceship page here.

Thanks heaps for reading.

V.