Photo post catch up

It is absolutely pouring down here in Sydney which sucks because it makes it difficult to find things for Noo to do, but if he is ok about being home for a few hours this morning I'll get a chance to write my blog.

I ended last week being very piggy about my food choices knowing I was going to crack down on Monday. Although I did have a number of healthy meals as well. On Monday I weighed in at 82.5kg which is at the upper range of the 80-83kg I've been hovering around for ages.

Australia Day - half a grilled chicken burrito shared with Noo

Without trying to gross you out too much, I've been very backed up for months which is not helping with my mood or my weight. It is something people hate talking about, I know, but seriously constipation is one of the worst physical afflictions in my opinion. And is all too common - especially in women. Without going into too much detail I'll just say that I've been feeling sluggish, tired, irritable, heavy, down, bloated and generally all over yuck.

I went to the GP to get some advice and to have my thyroid function tested again because constipation is one of the symptoms of a hypothyroid. I had severe postpartum thyroiditis just after Noo was born so the risk of my thyroid going hypo is high. I'm waiting for the blood tests and hoping desperately that it is just my diet that is making me feel like shit (excuse the pun) and not some pain in the arse (another one - sorry!) auto immune disease that I could be saddled with for life!

Here are some random pictures I took using my iPhone's Hipstamatic app over the last few days:

Chicken drumstick and salad

Gorgeous pup Noo and I saw out at the park over the weekend

Just an observation - who buys CDs any more? Digital all the way for me!

Bakers Delight Cheesymite roll - this doughy white bread treat goes through
the band surprisingly easily. Majorly calorific though!

Hazelnut coffee scroll from Don Campos - my favourite coffee shop - didn't get
past one bite before I got stuck so gave it to mum. Bloody delicious though!

Sharing a mixed fruit and veg juice with Noo

The delicious mixed salad plate from Bread & Circus in Alexandria. Only $12.

Hot and sweaty after a 1 hour workout of walking/running.
Completed day three of week 1 C25K. Burnt 560 calories. Happiness.

Deliciously healthy quinoa, smoked chicken, orange and herb salad.
Made by moi!

Although I'm not doing Michelle Bridge's 12wbt I am enjoying following a few of the inspiring blogs around of people about to embark on this life changing journey (notable mentions go to 77noni and Tina at Currently Clueless). I didn't have the discipline to follow through with it last year. It really takes commitment to stick to such a rigid plan.

Good luck to all of you!

Well that's enough from me at the moment. It stopped raining a little while ago so I better get on with the day!

V.

Make some changes and get a life

19 days into the new year and nothing has changed. I feel so stagnant, almost paralysed. Change is obviously what I need but so much fear holds me back from doing anything. I'm tired and bored and irritate easily.

I need to get a job.

I'm the only one who can take the turn off.
Picture borrowed from Lifehack.org

Yuck! I wrote those couple of lines above a few days ago. Nothing has changed but I don't feel as desperate as I did on Thursday. At least I don't think I do.

Mum and dad have taken Noo away for a couple of days so I can have a break. I miss him badly already. Whenever I drop him at school I don't feel bad. I know he loves preschool. But for some reason I'm racked with mother's guilt this afternoon. I feel guilty for shipping him off. For feeling like a need a break from parenting.

People have started to notice I'm not feeling 100%. My parents and even a couple of my friends have asked if I am ok. I don't know what to say. Most people think I have an easy life. I only have one child and I don't work and I live with my parents. Life should be simple right?

These are the things that are worrying me at the moment:

1. My diet is shocking. I have sugar everyday. I crave it. My band is in the perfect place. I have to eat slowly, consciously chewing small mouthfuls of non starchy foods. Oats and prunes for breakfast, salad for lunch, protein and veggies for dinner. Great. I'm satiated after about an entrée size portion. Even better. The problem is in between meals I crave snacky stuff like popcorn or lollies and I never resist the bad stuff. Also after dinner I have to have chocolate or ice cream or both. Usually I have a small cone with low fat vanilla ice cream with crushed peanuts and Ice Magic on top. To die for... literally.

My weight is hovering around 80-82kg. I have been this weight most of my adult life. While it is so much better than being between 100-102kg I'm still 10kg short of my goal. I feel fat and ugly. I feel like I'm aging so fast now. I feel like I've wasted the best years of my life being fat. Who cares if I'm a bit overweight when I'm old? Now is when it matters. Especially seeing as I'd like to find a 'mate'. And I don't want a fat partner either. I think it is disgusting if I'm honest. My gut, my legs, my arse, my arms. Fucking disgusting. I find it completely repellent on a man too. I'm not saying I need a perfect Michelle Bridges 12 fucking wbt body. Just a normal size 12 would be awesome. Why the fuck then can't I stick to any diet? Why do I shove that chocolate in my gob, order that ice cream, buy those lollies, bake those chocolate chip bikkies? Why?

2. Exercise is currently not a part of my life. But I want it to be. Fear holds me back. I bought a 10 pack of visits to Fitness First that I have to use before March. I went the first time last year when I was attempting 12wbt. I liked the class but the gym scared me. Living in the city the nearest gyms to me are obviously frequented by city workers. I went to the Bond Street Fitness First and it was full of hot men and women who were so fit and fabulous and generally intimidating for a fatty like me. Sounds like such a bad excuse, and it is I know, but I can't seem to get past it. I haven't been to our gym downstairs either. I'm just so fucking slack. Slack and lazy.

3. Uni has started freaking me out. I dropped out last study period because my heart wasn't in it any more. My anxiety was through the roof because I was also trying to find a job and doing RSVP trying to find a man as well as trying to do 12wbt by the book and failing. Something had to give so I gave up uni. My first application for special circumstances was rejected but finally my second was accepted. I've enrolled again in the same subject for the next study period which is a relief but I'm worried I'll fail again. The study period doesn't begin until 27 February so I really should use this time wisely and get started on redoing assignment 1 ahead of time.

4. The work situation scares me witless! I don't even want to write about it really. I know I need a job for my own sanity but having that kind of commitment terrifies me. For too long I haven't been expected anywhere really. Noo is the only one that makes me do anything and that is for love so it is ok. He loves me even when I fuck up. What if I actually do get a job and I don't do it right or I wake up every morning again hyperventilating with anxiety about having to go and perform around a bunch of strangers. And this market is so tight! Especially for part time admin roles. I've had so many rejections. Before my breakdown I got every job I ever interviewed for. I'm excellent at what I do but I can't seem to get a foot in the door anywhere now.

So that is it I think. My poor me middle class problems.

I should stop whining and start doing but I'm so tired. I need another life changing epiphany. That lightning bolt. That breakthrough. Just some sort of kick up the arse that gets me moving again.

V.

A tight start to 2012

Wow! It is 2012.

The end of 2011 was big.

My son had his third birthday and my sister had a baby girl the day before, making me an aunty for the first time. My time off uni was filled with organising Noo's birthday party and driving my sister around from one appointment to another, from shop to shop, as she did the last of the preparations for Mala's birth.

Christmas was quiet. My mum prepared food here and we took it over to my sister's to have it with her new little family. Noo is in awe of his little cousin. It is beautiful to watch how he is with her, with so much gentle amazement.

Noo looks at his beautiful little cousin Mala Grace

Having a first hold of a baby

My band has been tight. Really tight. I think it was really how it should be. Firm enough to make sure eating must be done very slowly, with lots of chewing of tiny little mouthfuls. The only problem is that I was so busy it was so hard to sit down and eat a proper meal at band-speed. With all the running around I was doing I just wanted to be able to grab a quick sandwich, hog it down and be off on the next mission. Of course this isn't possible with a band so I ended up missing a lot of meals, eating a lot of popcorn and drinking a lot of shakes.

I had a scheduled appointment with my band doctor just before Chrissy so asked for a slight unfill. He wasn't pleased about it because I was asking for the little bit to be taken out that I'd asked to be put in when I was attempting the 12wbt. But it's Christmas, I told him! I must have looked crestfallen because after giving me a little rousing off he said he'd take a tiny bit out. And tiny bit it was! I'm glad though because I've made it through Christmas and New Years and I've only gained about 1.4kg. Any gain is shit, I know, but it could have been worse.

Yesterday I had a major getting stuck episode. I was at the pool with Noo and my girlfriends and their kids. All the kids ran to the other side of the pool to play on the little playground. My friends were happy to let their kids play without too much supervision and I was trying to be all cool about it too. At the same time I was eating a cracker and mustn't have chewed enough because it got majorly stuck. I was trying to watch from a distance what the kids were up to and as the anxiety rose my throat must have closed a bit more and my band wrapped itself around that bit of bikkie. No worries I thought, I'll walk over to the playground and make sure everyone's ok and in the meantime the walk will help push the food through.

No such luck. I got Noo back to where our towels and stuff was piled and then went off to the canteen to get a drink and some hot chips for Noo's lunch. I had a big mouthful of Gatorade and that was it. I could feel the crackers and Gatorade moving around in my esophagus fighting their way to get through the hole and down into my stomach. Oh god, it was so painful! The worst getting stuck episode I've had in ages. I had to wait at the canteen for what seemed like yonks for Noo's chippies to be done while all this was happening and I became increasingly aware of my need to purge ASAP!

When finally I could take my drink and the chips back to where we were sitting I ran back to the bathroom and blurgh! Chucked everything right up. God, the relief! The crackers and the snakes (yes, so much for my new year's resolution to cut out lollies!) game up in great gulps.

The thing is I don't mind the spewing. I'm sure I've said it before. The relief is enormous and it's not like it tastes bad like a traditional vomit does. The food hasn't hit the stomach yet so it hasn't been mixed with acid. And as I see the food swirling around the basin I think, well these are calories I don't have to worry about any more!

On the dating front, I have heaps to report. I've written enough for today though so I'll save that for another day.

I hope everyone has had a wonderful start to 2012!

V.

Goal 4 finally crossed off the list

So I've finally hit 80kg! I actually got to 79.9 the other day and I can't tell you how fantastic is was to see a 7 as the first number on the scales. I haven't really been dieting though so my weight is now hovering from 79-81kg and all the points in between.

I'm now at the average weight that I've been most my adult life. My band doctors have told me I've lost nearly 80% of my excess body fat and that I've done it 6 months ahead of their schedule. I'm still not happy though. I really want to get to 75kg and maintain that weight. God, I'd love to get to 70kg and maintain that weight! I've been there before and I look hot at 70kg but I've never been able to maintain it for longer than a couple of months.

Sadly, I'm a 12wbt drop out. I recently went to one of the excellent psych group therapy sessions that the OClinic holds once a month. When I mentioned that I'd started 12wbt but couldn't maintain the rate of weight loss or the motivation to do the exercise the psychologist told me it was because 12wbt is just another diet and diets don't work in the long term for a massive proportion of us fatties out there. Michelle would have you believe otherwise and I know she has reached out to and transformed so many people but her method is not maintainable for everyone. The sugar, the fat, the overeating - they are all like drugs. It is an addiction, and I know better than anyone, what addiction is all about. The band puts a physical barrier in place that willpower alone does not have the same power to do. At the OClinic it is only expected that we lose around half to one kilo a month which is pretty much what I'm doing so I'm not going to beat myself up too much.

I've had so many NSVs as well. I'm wearing US size 10 and 12 jeans (vanity sized NYDJ, but who cares!). I can fit into my old Seven For All Mankind jeans and I'm pretty much in size 14 in normal Aussie sizes. I've had so many compliments on my new size and I generally feel much more confident about my body. 

My band is really tight at the moment but I like it that way. I chucked up all my dinner last night but it didn't bother me. I used to fight the stuck feeling and jump around, pounding my fist on my chest hoping to help the food get down through the band. Now I just quietly leave the table and spit it up. Because the food never makes it into my stomach it hasn't mixed with any acid so it's really not that bad throwing it up. And I'm an ever so quiet vomiter! Ha!

On other news my boy is nearly three years old! I cannot believe how he is growing. He is so gorgeous and so funny. Everyday there is another new statement that he comes up with that is so hilarious!

Growing up so fast!

That is all from me today. Hope all is well in blogland.

V.

It's been a while...

So much has happened since April that I don't even know where to begin!

Last time I wrote I'd just started a new relationship after three years of singledom. Everything was lovely and went really well until about three or four months in I realised he wasn't the one. He was so lovely but I wasn't in love with him. I've been single again about three months and I am really enjoying it. I guess the experience made me appreciate more what I already have. And I don't need a relationship in order to feel validated. It also made me realise that I need to be really ready for it. For their sake and mine. I think it is really important that I am ok about who I am before I go sharing myself with others. I'm nearly there, just not quite yet.

After the break up I decided that I needed to get back on the self improvement journey. Especially because while in the relationship I gained 3.4kg (7.5lb). I pretty much spent the most of this year eating what I wanted whenever I wanted, although in smaller portions. I have since then got back on the diet bandwagon at joined the Michelle Bridge's 12 Week Body Transformation. The program is amazing... if you stick to it!

Last week I got down to my lowest weight in over four years - 80.9kg (178lb), down from the 86.7kg I had got back up to by the end of August this year. I lost 5.8kg in six weeks. How good is that! The weight was dropping off me! In August when I realised I'd gained so much I went back to my surgeon and asked for a fill and started working the band again. The motivation Michelle provides was also excellent in keeping me in check.

Unfortunately I started the 12wbt with an ear infection and then my son came down with the same ear/throat infection and then I got I terrible cold. It was awful. One of us would get better then the other would get sick again. I lost stacks of time for uni work and for exercising. Although my eating has been great (up until the last week so) I have only managed two training sessions since the 12wbt program began. Pretty shocking.

Basically, without boring you with the details, I had a huge anxiety attack about 10 days ago and it has been downhill since then. It is just amazing how we try to make ourselves feel better by going back to the old habits like eating chocolate and lazing around watching TV even though we KNOW doing the right thing (ie eating healthily and exercising) is what really makes us feel better after a break down.

So after a bout of anxiety, bad PMT and uni stress I've had a little gain of 0.3kg (just over 1lb) and I've got to get back on track! Hence the blog writing. Sometimes it just helps to see the excuses on the screen.

Next week is week six and the halfway mark of the 12wbt and I've got to get kicking! I'm going to go back and watch Michelle's vids and get remotivated. I am only 1.2kg away from getting another star on my blog banner and 10kg from the ultimate goal - 70kg. 

Hope all is well in blogland.

V.