Thursday, November 11, 2010

Guilt and her good mate Anxiety

Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.

Anxiety is a psychological and physiological state characterized by cognitive, somatic, emotional, and behavioral components.These components combine to create an unpleasant feeling that is typically associated with uneasiness, apprehension, fear, or worry. Anxiety is a generalized mood condition that can often occur without an identifiable triggering stimulus.

How many of you bandits feel guilt on a daily basis?

I suffer from guilt all the time.

Say Guilt is a person. She has two faces - Guilt on one side and Mother's Guilt on the other. She is here today. I hate her. She has brought her best mate Anxiety with her today too. They go hand in hand everywhere really. Guilt knocks on the door first and then as her presence becomes more apparent Anxiety goes and lets herself in without invitation. These two are my worst enemies.

Depression, is you guys know, is another enemy of mine, but she hasn't come calling for ages. Thank goodness, because as a team Guilt, Anxiety and Depression are very hard to battle with.

This is my second post in about 24 hours, but I need to use this forum as a type of therapy. I'm the patient and you wonderful readers and fellow bloggers are my therapists. Even though advice isn't expected, it is really nice knowing that there's people out there listening.

So, why has Guilt arrived today? Noo is sick with a cold. We've been up two nights in a row with poor Noo coughing and spluttering and basically very restless. As a result I didn't put him in day care even though I have a TAFE class this arvo. So Guilt is here telling me I shouldn't be missing another class because I missed this class last Thursday when I had problems with that sleeping pill I took because Anxiety wouldn't let me sleep the night before.

As Noo seemed ok to play I thought I'd take him down to day care so I could get to my class. Half way down the road he started crying and Guilt came screaming back at me. Mother's Guilt. She was all "how could you send this crying child to day care when he's sick?". "But Guilt said I shouldn't miss another class. I can't take him with me!" I objected. "And what about all the other kids down there? Do you want him to pass his germs on to the whole school?" she hissed. "No" and I submitted to both of them, Mother's Guilt and Noo's big tear rimmed blue eyes.

Noo and I walked back in the other direction and headed home via the coffee shop where Mother's Guilt suggested I buy Noo a choc chip friand because he was suffering. As we took the lift up to our floor Guilt started nagging at my shoulder,"but what about your class?". I ignored her. "Can you really afford to miss another one?". I'll just have to - Mother's Guilt always wins an argument.

It just sucks. These two are at me all the time. Anxiety was having a field day by this stage because I had both Guilt's faces having a go so I started to get that sick feeling in the pit of my gut. It kind of feels like going over the top of a rollercoaster but its not good. 

Mother's Guilt then had me on the floor building towers with Noo as Guilt sat in the background sulking about my not going to class and occasionally throwing me a "you'll never pass this course!" and "the teacher won't believe another excuse!".

My sister called then and asked if we'd drive her to the service shop to pick up her car and then go for lunch. It was a welcome distraction. I don't know about Guilt, but Anxiety is a frequent visitor with my sister too so she is good to talk things through with. We went to this cafe local to her and as I ordered what looked like the healthiest, most band friendly dish, Guilt was at me again. "Can you afford this Vanessa?". "Didn't you just write a blog post last night about eating out all the time?" she nagged. "How can you be sure of its dietary value? You'll be fat forever!". "Shh", I responded weakly. Mother's Guilt then asked if I was going to order something for Noo just at the same time Guilt said I shouldn't waste more money on food Noo wouldn't eat. Mother's Guilt piped up "you're not going to give him more of that processed crap again, are you? God you're a bad mother, order him a decent meal". 

$30 later with a bowl of pasta untouched by Noo and a feeling of deep dissatisfaction over the average goats cheese and beetroot salad I ate, we left to go to supermarket.

I won't go on any more but you get what I'm trying to express. I just don't know what to do about these bitches - that two faced Guilt and her bosom buddy Anxiety. I just wish they'd stop coming by my house and leave me alone for good!



Something About Kellie said...

I get visited every week day by mother's guilt - and it is especially worse when there are tears from my daughter as I drop them off at daycare. My sone has never really been fazed so it didn't really hit me until I had my daughter (she's a mummy's girl - which I love!)

I have to keep saying to myself that work is what pays for the roof over our head and the food that we eat and the clothes etc etc etc

Mother's guilt unfortunately NEVER goes away!

Oh and anxiety is just a huge pain in the arse!

Silverhairedgoddess said...

Guilt - what can I say - it's something us woman feel on a daily basis - guilt about being fat, guilt about eating too much, guilt about not cooking breakfast for your husband, guilt about not keeping your house spotlessly clean all of the time, and on and on and on !

Don't get me started on "Anxiety"

Don't be so hard on yourself - give yourself credit for being a good mother - which I am sure you are !

Bonnie said...

I think all mother's know these bitches well and single mom's I'm sure even more so. I can only reiterate above - give yourself credit where credit is due.

amandakiska said...

Sheesh! I feel guilty and anxious just READING that!

All you can do is your best. No one can do more. Energy spent worrying and feeling guilty is completely WASTED energy! It does nothing to solve the issue at hand!

I know it is hard to let go of those worries and anxieties, but I hope you'll try to. It sounds really miserable to have to constantly battle yourself like that.

Rachel said...

Take it day by are doing well. When kids are sick...its the worst. I can assure you that this feeling will abate when he is feeling better! Take care.

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