March mini goals with pink hair

Dear Reader

How are you?

I am really well thanks.

I am OK but I'm going to make out like I'm awesome!

I have pink hair, if you hadn't noticed on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. Or on the left column of this page. It is not like the picture I showed my hairdresser, which you can see below. I nearly cried at first but then everyone (maybe it was you Dear Reader on my IG feed so thank you) told me it was awesome so I've come to like it a bit. It sure is different and makes me feel young but sometimes I feel a bit 'muttony', if you know what I mean. No one likes mutton dressed as yoof.

The picture on the left is the one I showed my hairdresser. The picture on the right is me.

I just thought I'd give you a little rundown of how I want this month to go. You know, to make myself accountable.

Yesterday, on the 1st of March, I decided that I was going to achieve the following:

1. Publish a blog post every single day from 1 March through to 31 March. So here I am posting. I hope to complete The dad question series and my 2013 KISS SMART goal series.
2. Get back on my health kick! For fucksake woman (I'm talking to me now, not you Dear Reader). Stop putting junk in your gob Vanessa. It only makes you fat and feel like shit and get bad headaches which make you take prescription painkillers which make you get constipated and moody as all hell.
3. Get stuck right into uni on the first second week and not get behind like the last couple of attempts at study. Yes, I'm enrolled again. I'm doing "Engaging Media" this study period. I WILL NOT FAIL! Not that I ever have failed before but in striving for high distinctions I have withdrawn because of the anxiety that kind of pressure causes me. Ps mean degrees or so say the losers I mean other students.
4. Attend the Digital Parents Conference and learn lots about blogging and social media and meet heaps of people and smile and make lots of new friends and don't be afraid or anxious or late.
5. Attend the Australian Virtual Assistants Conference and learn lots about running my own virtual assistant business and meet heaps of people and smile and make lots of new friends and don't be afraid or anxious or late.
6. Try not to be overwhelmed by the fact that I am attending two conferences back to back and have to meet not one but two lots of different people as well as sit, listen and absorb new shit information for four days in a row.
7. Enjoy myself, be happy. Take deep breaths. 
8. Enjoy being with Noo and my niece Mala. Kids are meant to be fun not work all the time.

OK, so that's my eight mini goals for March.

Have you set yourself any goals to achieve in the lovely month of March?

Yours in friendship

V.

PS. I love that it is autumn! Hello funky winter clothes and snuggle up doona nights.

Kiss smart: The BB goals for 2013 - For the soul

Twenty thirteen is promising to be a big one here at babblingbandit.me. Too keep myself in line I have started a blog series on my goals for the year.

I've named them KISS SMART goals to remind myself to Keep It Simple Stupid and to make sure my goals are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time-bound.

One month into 2013 and already my goals are wavering. Without getting all negative about it I'm writing to get myself back on board the positivity train.

A couple of weeks ago I outlined my first goal:

Kiss smart goal number 1: Health Basically, I have pledged to lose 7kgs by 30 June. To do this I will give up sugar, eat whole foods and exercise more.

Why is it always so much easier said than done?

Because life happens. Because, as the old cliché says, old habits die hard. I want to assassinate those bad habits and replace them with good ones - healthy positive habits.

I had a major setback a couple of weeks ago: I attempted to go back to working in an office and fell flat on my face again. I hate that shit. That feeling of going backwards. It totally freaks me out when I feel great and then something sends me back to feeling bad. I run. Get the fuck outta there. Eat shit to feel better.

Ah, what?

Eat shit to feel better? What is that? Self sabotage for an instant high is what it is. It doesn't work Vanessa (talking to myself through my blog surely means I'm losing it)! I never has worked.

But I have a plan to turn this thing around. It includes writing more goals in order to help facilitate that healthy eating/moving goal.

This is a holistic plan. Bare with me.

Which brings me to...

2. For the soul

I think a lot of people get caught up in the doing and achieving part of goal setting. What about the goal of relaxation? We all need to give ourselves time to rest and relax and take a moment to just sit still and do something we enjoy just for fun.

To nurture my soul I intend to do the following:

a. Continue with fortnightly therapy sessions

Someone told me recently I should lessen my reliance on therapy. Well that person is a doofus. Therapy keeps me in check. Whenever I take extended periods of time away from my check ins with Shrink I feel lost and out of control. And even when I do go there and I'm feeling fine, I walk away feeling even more confident that everything is on track.

b. Read more

This is going to be hard this year as I have so much going on. I'm enrolled to do one subject this study period for uni so no doubt there will be a lot of academic research to be read.

I have a lot of books on my Kindle that I've purchased and have either started and not finished or have not had a chance to open. Reading is such a great way to unwind and escape, especially if it's fiction you're reading. So I'm going to make more of an effort to escape with a book.

Rather than go to bed with my phone scrolling through my Twitter feed into the early hours which, considering it is an election year, will no doubt cause all matter of anxiety, I'm going to escape to Westeros and follow the trials and tribulations of the Game of Thrones gang. The politics there might be just as blood thirsty but at least it is in a make believe land rather than in Canberra!

c. Time with friends and lovers

The hardest thing for me as a sole parent is finding time to see friends on my own, and if I am lucky, maybe even a lover.

Even though I know a few great babysitters, it is still an expensive night out if I have to pay someone to look after Noo while I hit the town or the sack (hahaha - get it?).

Noo's grandparents absolutely adore him but they have really busy social lives too. And they live over two hours drive away most of the week. The key here is booking in Nanna and Pa well in advance and then try to book in drinks with the girls or a date with a bloke on those nights my parents are in town.

I love my time with Noo. We get up to so much fun but I do really enjoy hanging out with adults and forgetting about parenthood for a couple of hours or more. I plan to make this more of a regular habit this year.


OK, checking in with the KISS SMART pledge:

Did I keep it simple?

Goal: Nurture my soul

How: Keep up fortnightly therapy sessions,
read more fiction, spend more time with friends and lovers

Are my goals smart? 

Specific: See above
Measurable: Anxiety levels will determine if this goal has been successful
Achievable: Totally
Relevant: Absolutely
Time-bound: Yes, to be measured on 30 June 2013

Two down five to go. Check back soon for the next goal to be set for 2013: Finances. Eeek!


How are your goals or resolutions going so far? Sticking to them or have you fallen off the wagon like I have?


V.

Let's get positive

Thank you everyone for your comments. This band stuff is so overwhelming sometimes and it is great to know that you guys are there reading. I'm sorry I haven't been over to your blogs for a while. I will get there as soon as my assignments have been handed in.


I suppose I should acknowledge my anonymous reader... I'm pretty sure I know who you are. Thanks for your kind words. I don't know how comfortable I am having my old world collide with my new one, but that is the nature of the internet. I am acutely aware that whatever I post on here is free for all to read and I guess that is part of the appeal, but it also poses as a potentially dangerous risk. I don't think the danger is with my past, but my future is where my fear lies. 


That's all I'm going to say on that.


****


After weeks of letting this bad feeling build up I finally let it all go yesterday. I had my appointment with the surgeon in the morning and it turns out that my band is in the right place and all is how it is suppose to be, except for my hunger, which he said I have to determine is real hunger or just head hunger. Fuck head hunger! I don't want any hunger. The doc gave me a slight fill, adding just 2/3 of the .1ml that was taken out last time but I wish I could supplement my band with an appetite suppressant that 1. worked; 2. was not addictive; and 3. was legal. All the ones I know of that meet requirement 1. definitely don't comply with requirement 2. or 3. and the ones that do comply with 2. and 3. definitely don't meet requirement 1. Get it?


So, yeah, yesterday I let it all go. On the phone to mum, as usual. Poor love. Burst my eyes out crying "I'm lonely, I'm fat, I'm over it, I'm hungry, I'm tired, I need help." Poor me. I cried for about an hour and then said fuck it to the uni work and made a cup of tea and sat in front of an episode of Big Love with a whole packet of Arnott's Venetian biscuits. I ate 12 biscuits one after the other. First binge in well over six months. About 700 calories worth in half an hour. 


After I felt relieved. It was out of my system. After the show I picked myself off the couch and went and picked up my boy from day care. It always bring a smile to my face to see those gorgeous blue eyes look up at me like I'm the most wonderful person in the world. And to him, I am!


So, positive thinking. Here are some good things things that have happened in recent weeks that I have not focused enough on:


1. My son is the most gorgeous little boy in the world, who loves me no matter what.


2. I got a Distinction for my very first uni assignment and a high Credit for my very first uni essay. Currently a Distinction overall for the subject.


3. I have lost 52% of my excess bodyweight since getting the lap-band on 6 September last year.


4. My BMI has dropped 4.4 points in six months and I am no longer in the obese category.


5. I bought a size 14 top last week in the 'normal' section at Myer. Actually in the 'youth' section. 


6. I started working. Wow. Just one day a week but I'm actually working in an office doing stuff using the skills I've learnt at TAFE and what I'm now learning at uni. But, really, I'm working! After three years off. This is a major breakthrough.

Noo and me playing on the floor Sunday arvo

Back to my assignment now. My next assignment is worth 35% of my overall score and I'm only halfway done and it is due Monday so I've got to get cracking. Will post again once it has been submitted.


V.

D O W N town

Warning: This is another depressing blog post with heavy swearing.


I am D O W N. And I hate it. I don't know what the fucking problem is. I'm eating too much, spending too much and not focusing enough on my studies. I hate to say it but I am L O N E L Y. I'm spelling it out rather than saying the word in full. Seems less real. 


My weight is not changing but why should it? I'm eating way too many calories every day and can't seem to get back that motivation I had at the start of this lap-band journey. I'm filled with my old sense of 'poor me I've had a bad day/hour/minute so I deserve that biscuit/ice cream/lolly'.


The weekends are the worst. Most of my friends are busy and my parents are away and basically I just hang out with Noo. I love my son, he is my world, but I need more adult company. I miss my mum staying down with us like she was at the end of last year. Things have changed and she is spending more time away with my dad, which is fair enough, but I miss her. I guess it is up to me to find my own partner now... but is the time right?


I put a ban on dating when I left Noo's father before Noo was even born. I promised myself I would stay out of the dating scene until I got myself together physically and emotionally. That was nearly three years ago! I also wanted to dedicate myself to raising Noo, with the help of my parents, without the distraction of a new man. But how do I know when I'm ready to get out there again? I thought being ready would mean having lost 30kg and being back at work, but those two things are taking much longer than I expected them too. I have started volunteering one day a week, working in an office, so that is one step forward. But my weight? FUCKING HELL! Just look at my blog's banner. I reached my last goal of 90kg on 15 November 2010. That was three months ago! And it is my six month bandiversary in a couple of weeks and I still haven't made it half way. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? Oh my god. I could cry.


I have got so much stuff to read and do for uni that I haven't had time to read other people's blogs. I've also just signed up for another two subjects next study period. Crikey! This always happens. I sign myself up to do lots and end up doing nothing. Well, not exactly nothing, but I feel overwhelmed. All I wanna do is lay on the couch and read novels or watch TV. I have such good TV to catch up on! Big Love, Californication, the last episode of 30 Rock season 5...


Has anyone tried hypnosis? Maybe I need to be hynotised and have someone reprogram me to get back on this diet. I so don't want to be a lap-band failure. I had the barium swallow on Wednesday. God, that was pretty disgusting. The actual taste wasn't so bad but the texture and thickness was vile. It was pretty cool though watching the screen as the xray showed the goo going down my throat and into my tummy. The radiologist said he couldn't see any problems with my band but I have to see my surgeon on Monday to find out for sure. I also have an appointment to see the dietitian. While I'm there I'm going to ask for an appointment with the psychologist. I need my head shrunk over this stalling in my motivation.


Something has to change.


Hope everyone else is doing better than me!


V.

Day5/10 of "Getting Serious" diet

Struggling today. Despite the fact that I have pretty good restriction, I'm hungry all the time. I have to eat really consciously and only the friendliest of band foods. I even have trouble having large gulps of water. Its been really strange actually. I am literally thinking about food all day! This definitely isn't how I imagine the band should be working.


As I type this I am sitting down attempting to eat dinner. I made a delicious salad with a lovely fillet of sea bream that has been lightly sautéed in lemon juice, olive oil, garlic and dill. One mouthful in and I'm stuck. I'm typing this as I wait for it to pass through the band, as my fish gets cold, before I can move on to the next bite.

Dinner: Fish, green beans and salad

It is not that bad all the time, but quite frequently. Anybody else experience this? Its driving me crazy. Hunger coupled with blocking up. Maybe I'm not chewing enough? But what's with the hunger all the time? Why isn't my Vegas nerve doing what it is suppose to do by telling my brain I'm full when I'm not really?


I'm loving being more conscious about what I eat, making sure I only eat unprocessed whole foods - lots of vegies and lots of fruit. Heaps of fruit! I love it. But I'm sick of this hunger business. I caved today and had some dairy. So, I couldn't even manage 10 days without some yogurt! God, I was missing it so much. Yogurt is so delicious. Fresh unsweetened plain yogurt with fresh sliced rockmelon and a squeeze of honey. How fucking yummy does that sound? Divine!


I feel like a bit of a failure, but hell, I'm still eating amazingly well. I said yesterday that I wouldn't weigh on Monday but I think I will. I'm going to stay strict with the diet though until the ten days are up but I'm putting dairy back in my diet. Oh, and red meat. Not that I have had any yet but I had a stack of blood tests done during the week and my iron stores are still really low (this has been since having a baby) so my doctor said I should be eating at least three serves of lean red meat a week. 


So, still only eating unprocessed, non-sugary food, and very little complex carbs. There's no way bread, rice or pasta would get through my band at the moment anyway, but I've been eating these delicious rye crackers with avocado and smoked salmon. Yum! To die for. 


I'll finish off today with a few cute pictures I took of Noo today with my iPhone's Hipstamatic app. I've started yet another new blog for uni. This one is much better than my study blog, which I've now abandoned because it is just too boring. The new blog is at tumblr. which has some fab templates. I'm still getting the hang of how it all works but if you want to check it out click here. The theme of the blog is mine and Noo's life through the lens of the Hipstamatic and these are some pics from that:

At the fruit and vegie shop

Checking out the nuts

Waiting in line

Eftpos me baby!

Hope all is well in blogland.


V.

Still kicking...

Hi all

Sorry I haven't posted. I've been flatout with Christmas and uni. I'm now blogging over at WordPress for my uni work. The new blog is called An education... and if any of you are interested you can follow me there, although I can only guarantee you yawns if you're not interested in the history of the Web!

Life with the band is still cruising along. Since I had my unfill and was sick I haven't been back for an adjustment. I was due next Wednesday but decided to cancel as I didn't want to risk being uncomfortable while we were on our 10 day trip down the coast. I've been really naughty with chocolates over the last week too but I promise once this silly season is over I'm back on the straight an narrow.

That is all I can manage for now. Time to brush the pearly whites and hit the hay.

Hope all is going well out in bandit blogland.

V.

A busy, busy bee

Aaaah! My poor blog, it has been neglected.


I am now so busy with uni work that my blog has been put to the side. As I am doing Internet Communications I actually need to keep a blog as a requirement of the course, but it has to be one started fresh and not one that is already established. I also need to use Twitter so anyone interested can follow me @babblingbandit.


As far how my band is going everything has settled down at last. After a horror week last week, I finally got over whatever illness it was that I had by Sunday and am well and truly better now. I can eat normally again too, thank goodness. I still have restriction, but no where near as extreme as it was.


I actually got down to 86.5kg at the worst of the sickness but weighed in on Monday at 87.3kg. I have now lost a total of 12.7kg, which I'm really happy about. And I am only 2.3kg from my Christmas goal. I have been watching what I eat, but I haven't been too pedantic. I've been focusing on getting as much nutrients (particularly protein) in as possible.


I hope everyone is doing well out in blogland. I will only be updating this blog once a week now. I have downloaded an rss reader for my iPhone so will endeavour to keep up with you all when I can.


V.

Changing course: what I wanna be when I grow up

Oh I have been a busy bee. I've been trying to read blogs when I can but this has been my first chance to write. I have a new desk which is great, but rather than having my laptop in the lounge room so I can be with Noo while he plays and I type, I'm now tucked away in our bedroom which makes it harder to spend as much time as I was working on my blog. 


Lots has been happening. I dropped out of my web design course at TAFE and enrolled into a Bachelor of Arts (Internet Communications) through Open Universities to study by correspondence. This year at TAFE has not gone to waste though. I have gained so much knowledge and insight into the World Wide Web and confirmed my love for and interest in it. I have also been able to narrow down where my interests lie in this broad field. Basically I am no programmer. I attempted to learn the basics of JavaScript twice and still couldn't pass. My heart wasn't in it because it just didn't come naturally to me and I really think programming has to be something you just get otherwise it is such a struggle.

Working towards a BA Online Communications

To give you some background, I have worked in office administration for my whole career. I was a bloody good admin assistant too. Organised, a good communicator, efficient and very computer literate. I have always had a job. When I left school after year 12 I started working as a junior secretary and worked my way up to be a senior executive assistant with various employers. I was in my last role for nearly 8 years.  For a long time I loved what I did but after my breakdown in 2007 I just couldn't go back to the job I'd always enjoyed. I was burnt out. Over it.


Taking time out of the workforce to heal my shattered soul has also given me lots of time to reflect on the choices I've made and the path my life has taken. It has also given me the opportunity to make changes to turn my life into something extraordinary - well, that is the part I'm up to now. After changing where I lived (moving from London back to Sydney), my lifestyle (getting sober) and my family status (having a baby), I am now ready to change my career.


As work takes up such an enormous part of our lives I think it is so important that we do something we love if we can. So for me, to now be gaining a better understanding of what I want to do and to have the confidence to make this career change while in my mid 30s, it is a very exciting step forward.


I am frightened though. Who wouldn't be? It has been a long time coming, and there is a lot at stake, but I am getting more brave with every day that passes. I've enrolled to do the first two units of my degree over the next three months and then I'm thinking the next step is to get some work experience with an online marketing/web design agency while studying at the same time. Argh! Until recently, I couldn't even think about work, let alone talk/write about it, without feeling extremely anxious and nauseous. Even typing this post has taken me ages. I don't really expect anybody to read this one as it is not band related and it babbles on too much but it is therapy for me.


So, what do I want to be? I want to be involved in the process that helps businesses develop their entire online strategy. From building their website, to using social media for marketing, search engine optimisation... everything. Well, that is the general idea, but I am sure over time as I study more and get some agency experience, I will be able to narrow it down further. If anyone out there reading this has any advice for me in this area, I'd love to read a comment about it.


So there we have it. I am now a university student. I'm very excited about this next step and will keep you posted with how it all goes.


I will post tomorrow with band news.


V.