Sole parenting: We survived a wet weekend without either of us crying

Where's your MY head at?

I feel like I'm asking myself this question all the time.

Basement Jaxx's song Where's Your Head At? feels totally apt for how I feel right now, because I have no idea. About my head that is.

Noo and I have managed to survive the weekend on our own without either of us crying. There were times where I could feel the anxiety simmering just beneath the surface but, taking a few deep breaths, and some very low dose Valium, I was able to get through.

We even managed to get through all of this:

If I can handle three days of the above surely that means I'm getting better!
From top left to right: Elmo's World Tour (thank you Mummy Hearts Money)
Shopping centre play area, indoor play centre on a rainy sunday
Playing inside all day due to torrential rain on Saturday
Cranky face Noo at the supermarket

As I parked the car I said to Noo: "Well, we've had a pretty good weekend, huh? No screaming or tears from mummy like when we were in Melbourne!"

Noo replied, "you have been good and I have too, Mum".

I asked him why he thought he needed to be especially good. He answered, "because I haven't hit you once all weekend".

What a sweet kid. He was lashing out at me when all this started. It's not a wonder though. How is he meant to understand what has been going on? All he has seen is his mum crying and yelling and not coping. Of course that has got to be frightening for a four year old.

A little later that same evening...

There's a point ever so slightly to the right of my sternum that burns with each inhale and exhale of breath I take. A presence right behind my eyes flutters with an irregularity that bewilders me: Am I anxious? Am I irritated? Am I sad? Am I just tired? Either way, I don't feel good.

Should a person's emotions be this confused?

Everything seemed to being going so well just a few hours ago! Now I feel like I'm slipping again. This instability tires me.

I just want to curl up in bed with my mum and have her stroke my hair and tell me everything will be ok. I feel homesick even though I am at home. That's what I used to call this feeling when I was little. It is that sensation of being lonely when you're not actually alone.

Don't get me wrong, I do still feel better. But now I'm feeling fragile again.

I hate not being able to trust myself, or more so, my emotions.

Oh well, everything has to go back to 'normal' at some stage.

It always does.

V.

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Top 5 tips for taking preschoolers to the Sydney Royal Easter Show

Noo and I went to the Sydney Royal Easter Show yesterday. We went along with an old friend of mine and her son who is the same age as Noo. The day had been weeks in the organising and both us mums and the boys were very excited to head out to Sydney Olympic Park for a day of fun and frivolity.

An awesome day was had by all but I left feeling we could do it better next year with a little planning. Here are my top tips on how to do the Sydney Royal Easter Show with preschoolers:

1. Get to bed early the night before

The night before I tried to explain to Noo that the Easter Show was where the country came to the city. Where farmers brought their livestock and produce into town to show and compete. We talked about seeing the baby animals and Noo was particularly keen to see the cats on show. We talked about the showbags and rides.

I can easily get hyped up on something I'm excited about and that rubs off on to Noo. That's probably not a good idea if I want my little boy to settle down for the night. He'd only just arrived back from a weekend away with his grandparents so he was already pretty excited to be back home with me. Needless to say settling down for bed was very difficult and he didn't get off to sleep until about 10.30.

The showgrounds are massive especially for little four year old legs to walk around in the blazing sun. Make sure you go well rested. You and the kids will need all the energy you can muster!

Top tip: Don't tell your preschooler that tomorrow is the day you are going to the Show. Surprise them. That way they will be more able to settle into sleep the night before.

2. Be prepared for whatever the weather may be

Easter has been very early this year falling on the last weekend of March. Top that off with unseasonably warm weather and we had a scorcher for our day at the Show. It felt like it was about 34 degrees Celsius in the shade but I've just checked the Bureau of Meteorology website and have been informed that the highest temperature recorded at the Sydney Olympic Park Archery Centre observation point was 29.9 degrees. Regardless, we sweated.

Noo and I met up with our friends at the entrance where we were greeted by a lovely woman from the Salvation Army. She was armed with a massive pump pack of sunscreen, stick on wrist bands and a permanent marker.  We lathered up the kids with sunscreen and labelled them with our mobile numbers in the event that one of the little scallywags got lost in the crowd.

It was around this time that I realised, in our haste to leave the house to get to the showgrounds by 10am, I forgot to put on deodorant . Forgetting such an essential part of my morning routine always sends my anxiety levels up as I constantly lift my arm to see if I've started to smell. Body odour is something I have no time for. In my extremely limited beauty regime spraying three squirts of Norsca under each pit is as critical to my well being as brushing my teeth. Norsca? You might ask. Yes, the original Norsca Forest Fresh is the only deodorant I use and have used since I was a teenager. I've tried others but I always go back to that familiar and reliable green bottle*. Even when I lived in London I stocked up when back in Australia on holidays... ok, back to the Show!

Top tip: If you forget to pack sunscreen hunt down a lovely Salvo and drop a few coins into the collection bucket in exchange for all sunscreen you need for your family. Provide a public service of your own and never forget to apply deodorant before leaving the house.

Cooling off in the heat at the Easter Show
- Noo with his green ice snowie tongue

3. Plan your route around the showgrounds before you enter

Whoever designed the current layout of the Easter Show had a cunning plan to relieve you of as much cash as possible from the minute you walk through the gate. There are three public entries. The one we came through had us arrive smack bang in the middle of the Kids Carnival. With lots of noise, flashing lights and rides swinging all over the place all four of us were bombarded with a sensory overload and excitement levels started to rise with the heat. In exchange for $22 each we got 20 ride tokens per kid which sounds like good value until you discover that each ride costs between four and eight tokens depending on this size and exhilaration of the ride.

The kids had a few rides and before we knew it it was time to have something to eat. The heat was incredibly exhausting and we stopped constantly for snowies and other icy beverages. When we were finally able to drag the boys away from the rides we headed around the grounds in an anti clockwise direction, missing the farm animals I discussed with Noo the night before. This was a mistake because we never got back there and my plans to educate Noo on the cuteness of baby farm animals importance of the farming industry in Australia were dashed completely.

Top tip: Print out the Easter Show map and plan your trip before you enter the showgrounds. Avoid getting hypnotised by carnie rides causing your family to miss out on what the Easter Show is all about - agriculture!

Don't spend too much time in the carnival zones or you too might miss out on the baby animals

4. Set a budget and leave your cash card in the car

If you're a spendaholic like I am and are easily sucked in by colourful plastic bags full of junk promising joy and laughter for your foreseeable future leave your ATM debit card in the car. Only carry the amount of cash that you actually want to spend. Everywhere you turn at the Easter Show someone is trying to get your money off you. Whether the demo guy showing off the latest steam mop or the carnie with no teeth but enough charm to twist your arm into parting with $10 for a carnival game ("Every kid wins a prize!") there are folk everywhere trying to get you to spend your cash.

By the end of the day I actually felt quite grotty about it all. This is the worst aspect of the Easter Show. It is laden with cheap tacky merchandise that has been packaged up as new or different when really you can get most of it anywhere. I solved my deodorant debacle by spending $6.95 for a small can of Linx for men (it was cheaper than the $9 BO buster for chicks on sale at the chemist on site). I felt completely scammed but at least I didn't stink.

The showbag pavilion was amazing in just how much junk there was available. But god it looks good when all that stuff is displayed up on the boards. I got suckered in and dropped $100 on 10 showbags. That sounds like a good deal but some of them were really small without much in them at all.

Food onsite was also very exy. I regretted not getting a pie in the Woolworths Fresh Food Dome. They looked bloody good and not from a commercial supplier. Noo and I ended up sharing a gozleme from one of the greasy takeaway food trucks. It was OK but nowhere near as good as the ones we get from the markets that are made fresh before your eyes. The ones at the show came from a packet I saw taken from a freezer. Ewww.

Top tip:  Take as much cash as you want to spend and leave your ATM debit card in the car or at home. 

$100 in these here 10 bags of junk

5. Love the cake and art comps? Leave the kids at home

I love checking out the cake competitions but the boys were not that keen. Fair enough too. How many fruit cakes does a four year old boy need to see? Noo got a bit stroppy going through this display. He was tired and hungry and even declared he wanted to go home.

Top tip: Leave the preschoolers at home if you really want to look at cakes and art on display. 

That pig was the only animal we saw all day.

The Sydney Easter Show is great fun

Noo and I had a great time catching up with our friends and even though it was uncomfortably hot and I spent a huge amount of money we are looking forward to going again next year. We'd just do it a little differently.

On the Ferris wheel above the show.

Are you from Sydney and planning to go to the Royal Sydney Easter Show? 

What are your favourite things to do at the show?


V.







*This comment is not sponsored. I just love, love, love Norsca Forest Fresh and should they want to work with me I'm available.

Letter to the lump in my breast

Dear Lump

I'm not going to bother to ask how you are because I know the answer and quite frankly I couldn't care anyway.

I feel rude in saying this, but I really don't like you. I know you're not cancerous so I guess I shouldn't hate you. I didn't have to suffer what so many women have to go through after they find a lump. Yep, around 40 women a day throughout 2013 in Australia will be told by their doctor their lump is not a fibroadanoma, but something much worse.

Before I got the results you scared the shit out of me. It was about a year ago that I was having a shower and feeling around like I do every so often. You live just on the left side of my left boob, as you know. I was shocked when I felt you there that first time. I've always been pretty good in feeling myself up, my finger tips making circular motions, scanning every inch of my chest. You're hard like a peach stone and about the same size so when my fingers slid over you goosebumps exploded over my skin. Where did you come from?

Searching for you became an obsession. I had to check over and over that you really were there, it wasn't just a figment of my psychosomatic imagination. I bruised myself in the hunt for you. The flesh above you turned grey and then yellow.

I went to the doctor and she checked you out and told me she wasn't worried but I should get you scanned by some machines to be absolutely sure. An order form for a mammogram and ultrasound was handed over to me. I felt sick. Not worry? Please! I started freaking the fuck out. Thoughts rushed through my head.

Please don't let me have cancer. 
    Please don't let me have cancer. 
        Please don't let me have cancer.

I put off the scans for a couple of weeks. Denial is what you call it. Please don't let me have cancer. My dad walked with me to the x-ray place. The day was overcast and grey which was apt. I waited for my turn in a waiting room full of people needed to be scanned in some way for some reason.

The mammogram was first. Oh boy. That hurt. Surely science has to come up with a more comfortable way of scanning women's tits. And men complain about the finger up the arse in the hunt for prostate cancer. I think I'd rather that than have my 16DD boobs turned into pancakes again.

Please don't let me have cancer.

It is funny what the wait for health results can do to your mind. Flashes of the past, the future, the end. You probably don't know this Lump, but I'm a chronic catastrophiser. I don't do this sort of drama well. Especially when I'm sitting in a room, surrounded by medical equipment, wearing nothing but a paper robe and my undies and I'm waiting to have my boobs prodded by strangers.

Next was the ultrasound. The last ultrasound I had showed me the bubba in my belly. Such a nicer experience than this. Lump, you fucker. By now you've got me so freaked out I really thought I'd vomit. The radiographer is rolling that thingie over and around my boobs with one hand while she expertly taps the keyboard with the other. It reminded me of when Noo's little foetus was being measured but this time they were measuring you. The dark little ellipse on the screen was about 2 cm in width if I recall. I hated you even more when I could see you. See and feel, makes it all the more real.

When it was all over I was told not to worry, the experts in the room thought it was nothing "too dramatic" so I should just get on with my life and wait for my GP to call. And so I waited. Please don't let me have cancer. And I waited until I got the call back for another test. Another test?

I freaked. At the time I was also dealing with chronic restless leg syndrome, fatigue and my anxiety levels were very high. Colonoscopy, endoscopy as well as swallowing a camera to look at my insides were procedures I was also going through because another doctor thought there was something going on in my bowels.

Congruent cancer scares. Doesn't my body know I don't cope well with this shit? And I couldn't be making this up either. You can't create breast lumps and empty all your iron stores by being depressed or anxious which is usually the cause of my physical ailments.

For the next test I had the joy of having a big needle stuck into my boob guided by the ultrasound. The doctor had trouble getting in the right spot and had to have several goes at it of course. It hurt like hell. The staff in the room kept asking me if I was ok. I must have looked pale. My mouth was dry. I kept thinking of Noo, of the statistics, of my chances...

Waiting sucks at the best of times but waiting for cancer tests is just pure torture. Please don't let me have cancer. It had become my mantra. I said the words over and over again.

Finally the appointment with my GP came around and you were given a name: Fibroadanoma. Or breast mouse. Just a fibrous lump. Benign not cancerous. Relief overwhelmed me. I'm not one of the 40 today.

I was told everything was ok and I was stoked. But still...

I don't like you being there. You ache when I have my period. You feel foreign inside me. Unnatural and superfluous. If I had the money I'd get a plastics doc to cut you out. I don't like you there.

But at least I don't have cancer.

Yours in dislike
Vanessa


To my sister in law who fought breast cancer and won, I love you. Your strength amazes me.

To my very, very good friend who was diagnosed in her 20s after the birth of her first baby, battled breast cancer and won the fight, I love you. Your bravery is like nothing I've ever known.

And to all those who have been affected by breast cancer in some way I salute you: Survivors and those who've lost friends and loved ones to this disease you're courage amazes me.

Have you ever had a cancer scare? How did you endure the waiting?

Kiss smart: The BB goals for 2013 - For the soul

Twenty thirteen is promising to be a big one here at babblingbandit.me. Too keep myself in line I have started a blog series on my goals for the year.

I've named them KISS SMART goals to remind myself to Keep It Simple Stupid and to make sure my goals are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time-bound.

One month into 2013 and already my goals are wavering. Without getting all negative about it I'm writing to get myself back on board the positivity train.

A couple of weeks ago I outlined my first goal:

Kiss smart goal number 1: Health Basically, I have pledged to lose 7kgs by 30 June. To do this I will give up sugar, eat whole foods and exercise more.

Why is it always so much easier said than done?

Because life happens. Because, as the old cliché says, old habits die hard. I want to assassinate those bad habits and replace them with good ones - healthy positive habits.

I had a major setback a couple of weeks ago: I attempted to go back to working in an office and fell flat on my face again. I hate that shit. That feeling of going backwards. It totally freaks me out when I feel great and then something sends me back to feeling bad. I run. Get the fuck outta there. Eat shit to feel better.

Ah, what?

Eat shit to feel better? What is that? Self sabotage for an instant high is what it is. It doesn't work Vanessa (talking to myself through my blog surely means I'm losing it)! I never has worked.

But I have a plan to turn this thing around. It includes writing more goals in order to help facilitate that healthy eating/moving goal.

This is a holistic plan. Bare with me.

Which brings me to...

2. For the soul

I think a lot of people get caught up in the doing and achieving part of goal setting. What about the goal of relaxation? We all need to give ourselves time to rest and relax and take a moment to just sit still and do something we enjoy just for fun.

To nurture my soul I intend to do the following:

a. Continue with fortnightly therapy sessions

Someone told me recently I should lessen my reliance on therapy. Well that person is a doofus. Therapy keeps me in check. Whenever I take extended periods of time away from my check ins with Shrink I feel lost and out of control. And even when I do go there and I'm feeling fine, I walk away feeling even more confident that everything is on track.

b. Read more

This is going to be hard this year as I have so much going on. I'm enrolled to do one subject this study period for uni so no doubt there will be a lot of academic research to be read.

I have a lot of books on my Kindle that I've purchased and have either started and not finished or have not had a chance to open. Reading is such a great way to unwind and escape, especially if it's fiction you're reading. So I'm going to make more of an effort to escape with a book.

Rather than go to bed with my phone scrolling through my Twitter feed into the early hours which, considering it is an election year, will no doubt cause all matter of anxiety, I'm going to escape to Westeros and follow the trials and tribulations of the Game of Thrones gang. The politics there might be just as blood thirsty but at least it is in a make believe land rather than in Canberra!

c. Time with friends and lovers

The hardest thing for me as a sole parent is finding time to see friends on my own, and if I am lucky, maybe even a lover.

Even though I know a few great babysitters, it is still an expensive night out if I have to pay someone to look after Noo while I hit the town or the sack (hahaha - get it?).

Noo's grandparents absolutely adore him but they have really busy social lives too. And they live over two hours drive away most of the week. The key here is booking in Nanna and Pa well in advance and then try to book in drinks with the girls or a date with a bloke on those nights my parents are in town.

I love my time with Noo. We get up to so much fun but I do really enjoy hanging out with adults and forgetting about parenthood for a couple of hours or more. I plan to make this more of a regular habit this year.


OK, checking in with the KISS SMART pledge:

Did I keep it simple?

Goal: Nurture my soul

How: Keep up fortnightly therapy sessions,
read more fiction, spend more time with friends and lovers

Are my goals smart? 

Specific: See above
Measurable: Anxiety levels will determine if this goal has been successful
Achievable: Totally
Relevant: Absolutely
Time-bound: Yes, to be measured on 30 June 2013

Two down five to go. Check back soon for the next goal to be set for 2013: Finances. Eeek!


How are your goals or resolutions going so far? Sticking to them or have you fallen off the wagon like I have?


V.

My week according to Instagram

Another week passes through the lens of my iPhone:

From top left down each column: Visual Poetry word heart; Saturday people watching at our local markets; tourist who was obviously having a good time in Aus; highly filtered selfie; some entertaining police handing out directions and lollies to market goers in The Rocks; Spider-Man at yum cha; selfie on the way out of our building; Friday farewell party at preschool with Noo and his best friend; my superhero; rainy Friday morning having brekky in front of our screens, Thursday catching up with some old mates; Wednesday discovering my mum still uses her old adding machine; my gorgeous sister helping me celebrate my birthday on Tuesday; 38th birthday selfies breaking 7 week chocolate ban

Linking up with one of my favourite bloggers,
Tina Gray!

Goodbye Blue Mountains hello Sydney!

Noo and I are now at the tail end of our ten day break in the Blue Mountains. It has been wonderful to hang out with Yolanda, my sister, and her seven month old daughter Mala, as well as to catch up with old friends.

We've had great days chilling at home as well as some fun day trips around the Mountains. The weather has been perfect: cool, crisp days with blue skies and sunshine. There's been lots of good food both cooked at home and eaten out. And with only one day of anxiety it really has been a relaxing week away.

Today: a perfect sunny Blue Mountains winters day

The part of the Blue Mountains where my parents reside is nestled about 10km west of the main road from Sydney. It is really quiet here. There are no cafes or tacky souvenir shops. No playgrounds or tourist buses. Just a fire station and a post box serve the residents who are surrounded by the most beautiful Australian bushland. The road leading in is a tree-lined avenue that is as stunning this time of year as it is in spring and almost as beautiful in winter as it is when the leaves change colour for autumn.

My sister and I know how lucky we are to have this place as a sanctuary. A place to escape to when city life gets too much. I used to come here, before Noo was born, before my years in London, to recuperate from a hectic life of working and partying. There is no mobile network here but back in the mid 1990s to early 2000s we didn't have internet either. We were completely cut off. With fresh air and lots of good food, this was the perfect place to detox, like a mini weekend rehab.

In the months after leaving Noo's father I spent a large part of my pregnancy up here, away from the dramas at home. After my breakdown, subsequent hospitalisations and sojourn to rock bottom I lost a lot of my usual support network. The general response to the news I was pregnant was negative. Most of my friends thought I wouldn't cope, that it was unfair on the unborn child. People didn't know how to be around me. And I don't blame them. I was a mess.

I spent the first trimester of my pregnancy in very little contact with my family or friends (the period which will be the third instalment of the "The dad question"). When I finally did leave Noo's father I I had an enormous amount of work to do to mend the very damaged relationships I had with those closest to me. My relationship with my sister was one that was hurt the most. She had borne the weight of my declining mental health and increasing addictions since well before my return from London. She was tired and needed to be free of my shit for a while. It was hard. Horrible actually. But that is another story.

During the second and third trimesters I wasn't working so I spent most of my time with my parents. Actually, I did attempt a return to work but the anxiety attacks became daily again and I wasn't sleeping so I didn't last very long before I was taking early maternity leave.

Despite the hardships they'd endured during the year previous my parents were still there for me. They helped me build a home for me and Noo in a little apartment I found in the inner south west of Sydney. I also stayed with them up here in the Blue Mountains quite a bit. It was so relaxing. Mum and I would spend hours and hours every day talking about my pregnancy and Noo's impending arrival.

There have been times too when I've hated it here. Hated the seclusion, the heat in summer and the bugs! But mostly I've loved it, but only as a place to visit. Which gets me back to today. Our last night after a long week away.

The sun setting over the valley for the last time while we're here this trip

And I am so looking forward to going home! I love the city. The buzz and the hustle and bustle. The people and beeping horns. The tall buildings, the Harbour and the cappuccinos. The city workers, the inner city mums and kids at the park. Friends and daycare! My bed and my desk so I can get into a better routine to blog.

Yes, I am ready to go home.

Can't wait to get back to the bright lights of the city

'Til next time.

V.

Playground politics

Every Tuesday morning Noo and I catch up with a couple of my girlfriends and their kids for a play in a park. Noo has friends to play with and I get to catch up with my mates. Perfect. It is the social highlight of my week.

We usually go somewhere in the inner west or inner eastern suburbs of Sydney. Somewhere within 10-15 minutes drive from home suits everyone. There is really only one specification now the kids are big enough not to need an enclosed play area and that is good coffee.

Just because it is funny:
Noo and I love this song. Check out his banana butt!

We each pack our kids snacks and lunch, a drink bottle and a change of clothes. We get a little perch somewhere to dump the bags and scooters and generally we each have one eye on the kids and one on the conversation. If a kid goes out of our field of vision, we take it in turns to go hunt the little bugger down.

Conversations are started but never finished as we juggle the requests for a push on a swing, a drink, or nagging for an ice cream. And then there's the tears. The "he did this to me", or "she won't get off my scooter", or "so and so just pushed me". This is the part I hate the most.

If I'm honest, I don't really like the whole playground experience. So much anxiety! But I especially hate dealing with little kids hurting each other. With toddlers I think most of the time they are doing it out of frustration with not being able to express themselves. Noo went through a terrible time in his twos of biting other kids. It was just horrible watching him bare his teeth at any kid who got in his way. I had to shadow him everywhere. Not to protect him but to protect the other kids around him. I felt this was my duty.

To my constant amazement, not all parents are like this. They let their little monsters wonder around the playground menacing any kid that gets in their way. It's mostly boys I've noticed, but girls can do it too.

If a kid has a go at my kid when it is undeserved, I will step up and defend my child. I cannot help myself. If I witness some child deliberately hurt mine, I'm there. I'm asking him where his mother (or father) is and then I'm asking her why she wasn't watching her kid more carefully. But I know there has to be a point where I let Noo fight his own battles. It is knowing when to jump in or stay on the sidelines that has me in a state of despair.

There was one incident where I watched this kid stalk Noo around an enclosed play area trying to get Noo's toy truck off him. Noo was about two at the time. I had been keeping an eye on him from a healthy distance as he walked around with his truck in his hand. This bigger boy who was about six or seven had shown an interest in the truck when they had both been in the sandpit earlier. Noo had clearly shown that he didn't want to share.

So this kid, who has no idea I'm wondering around in the background, gets on his scooter, rolls past Noo, deliberately knocking him to the ground and the truck out of his hand. It was a completely premeditated attack! Noo gets up grabs his toy back and before I can get there this older thug has punched Noo square in the guts!

Poor little Noo doubles over, winded and in shock, starts struggling to get his breath back while gasping little screams. I, needless to say, went fucking ballistic! "You horrible little boy" I yell. "Where is your mother?" I ask this rotten little ratbag while trying to hold and comfort Noo. His mother is nowhere to be seen until I'm really having it at him. "Where is this kid's mother?" I'm bellowing across the playground. I completely lost it.

This woman finally shows some interest in the fact that her kid is in a bit of trouble but completely ignores me. No sorry, no asking her evil spawn to apologise to Noo, nothing! I'm telling her that if her kid was older I'd have the cops there charging him with assault. I was so fucking angry! Who lets their kid get away with that? I mean, really?! She then lets the kid continue to play and torment every other child that got in his way. And Noo was not the only one to end up in tears at the hands of this boy.

Later the friend I was with overheard the group of mothers who knew the woman and her kid all bitching about how her son was always picking on other children and about how she never disciplined him. They were saying she should take him home to teach the ratbag that that is not the way you behave at the park! He had serious aggressive behaviour issues and needed some guidance from his parents.

This is an extreme example of the playground politics that I'm talking about. I know I could have been a little bit more controlled in how I handled the situation, but he's my baby, you know?

What about you? Do you speak out for your kids at the park? Or have I overcrossed the line where I should have allowed Noo to sort out his own battles? When is it right to ask for an apology or demand the other parent involved to take responsibility for their child's behaviour?

Ugh. Playground politics. I do not like it.

V.

Day 4/10 "Getting Serious" diet

Hey everyone


Going along just nicely here. The hunger headaches have passed and I am almost half way through this ten day kick starter. I've decided I'm not going to weigh myself on Monday as usual but instead wait til the end of the 10 days.


I've been enjoying some delicious food. Here is my diary from yesterday:


Breakfast
7am Black coffee


(can't eat much first thing in the morning so I have brekky later at the moment)
10am 2x rye crisp bread with avocado and smoked salmon
         2x rye crisp bread with tiny scrape olive oil spread and Vegemite


Lunch
1/2 cup left over ma po tofu pork
1 cup fruit salad


Afternoon tea
Small handful almonds
2x small plums


Dinner
1 small chicken breast poached in miso and other Japanese sauces
1/2 cup Asian greens
1x small plum


Late evening snack
1/2 small banana


Not a lot of food there! I was starving when I went to bed at midnight last night and so got up to have the banana. Could only manage half as it kept getting stuck. 


The exercise routine has not started yet. One of my best mates is due over soon and we are going for a swim downstairs. It is a lovely day here in Sydney but I still can't stop thinking of all the people affected by the floods in Queensland. Just heartbreaking!


-----------


My mate Amber just left. It was absolutely lovely to catch up with her. We had a very refreshing swim and then I made us a delicious lunch of tuna and lentil salad. We also had fresh cut rockmelon, watermelon, peach, strawberries and cherries. I'm so stuffed now! The fruit was so delicious and juicy that I kept popping bits into my mouth without listening for the band to tell me I'd had enough. I was busy chatting away to so wasn't concentrating hard enough. Oh well. 


I've got to go and start another blog for my uni assignment. I started one on WordPress but I don't like it. It is too boring. I want to do a fun project on Blogger. WordPress is too hard!

Typing away - playing with the Hipstamatic on my iPhone

Hope all is well in Blogland. 


Vanessa

Toey week ends with a kid's party

What a week! I don't even know where to start. I've just been so busy and up and down and even kind of sideways.

I mentioned briefly in my last post that my dad had an incident with a circular saw on Tuesday night. Basically he was trying to cut a piece of timber for some shelves he was kindly making for me and as he started to cut the wood the saw jambed and jumped off the bench and on to his big toe. Luckily, knowing his old saw wouldn't automatically turn off after such an incident, he quickly pulled the cord out of the power point but it was only when the blade came in contact with flesh and bone that it stopped rotating. So, so gross.

My poor dad then had to spend the night out in a hospital way out west of Sydney, kind of half way between where he usually lives in the Blue Mountains and our apartment here in the city. Its one of Sydney's largest public hospital which services way too many people and is majorly under funded and under staffed. The ambulance got him to emergency by 7pm but he was not seen by a surgeon until 4.30 on Wednesday morning!

Anyway, without boring you with the details of this story (or getting into a political discussion on why NSW's public health facilities are such a disgrace), dad and his big toe has taken up a lot of my time this week - getting him back from Woop Woop (Aussie term for any town miles away), organising a wheelchair, getting him to the GP, organising painkillers and the rest. Poor, poor dad. He is going to be ok although being immobile is not something he is used to or something he'd like to get used to but the poor bugger probably needs a forced rest as he hasn't really taken any time to relax since retiring two years ago.

As far as the band goes, I may as well not even have one. I'm pretty much hungry all the time. When I have eaten, I've tried to make healthy choices and I have been filling up much more quickly than pre band, but that feeling of fullness doesn't last long so I've been snacking a lot on whatever is around.

Today we went to my best friend's youngest daughter's 3rd birthday. I love kids parties! Loved them when I was little, love them now I'm one of the grown ups. Love the food and the games and the giggles! The diet was fully out the window as we had chocolate crackles, fairy bread, lollies, birthday cake... it was all delicious. I tried to not be as piggy as usual, but I didn't say no to anything.

Check out how different Noo and I look today compared to the same picture taken at a party 16 months previous... 

Noo and me today at Ashley's 3rd birthday - 17 Oct 2010

Noo and me at Ash's sister Madison's 3rd birthday - 14 Jun 09

Can't imagine what my weigh in will be like tomorrow morning after all the eating I've done this week. I've been feeling much better in my clothes though. Wore an M Line dress I haven't been able to wear for ages on Friday which felt good. People are starting to notice that I'm losing weight too which hopefully signals another loss tomorrow.  It is also my first fill on Tuesday. Cannot wait! I seriously need it. No more excuses about the gym any more either... maybe I should commit my fat arse to going tomorrow seeing as Noo is in kindy. I am planning to be glued to my computer screen and Notepad++, writing and debugging JavaScript code tomorrow in preparation for my exam on Wednesday arvo, but I should really try to fit in at least 30 minutes at the gym.

It is 9pm yet still my child will not sleep. I think all those lollies through the day have adversely affected him. He is on a sugar detox as of tomorrow!

Night all

V.

A long weekend in the rain

I haven't been able to post since last Friday. It was a long weekend here in NSW so I spent all my time keeping Noo entertained.  To top it off it rained most of the weekend and we had to put our clocks forward for daylight savings which made the weekend even more interesting with a toddler!

Thankfully the rain held off on Saturday morning and we were able to catch up with some mums and their kids at the park for a play and to check out some baby farm animals that were also there...

Playing in the park with some mates

Noo strutting his stuff with some goats

Sunday was my mum's birthday so we had brunch over at my brother's house to celebrate. Thankfully he didn't do any of his famous pancakes and bacon because I would have struggled to decline. Instead he served eggs Benedict with choritzo and asparagus and hollandaise sauce on English muffins with yogurt and a fruit platter to start. I enjoyed some fruit and had one egg, a tiny bit of choritzo with a tiny dollop of hollandaise. It was all absolutely delicious!

The rain came pouring down on Sunday afternoon and all through the public holiday Monday. To get out of the apartment my mum and I took Noo to Eastgardens, a massive shopping centre in the east of Sydney. We strolled around the centre going from one end to the other stopping for Noo to climb over all the coin operated rides they have there. A lot of shopping centres in Sydney now have playgyms to keep the kids happy so Noo enjoyed playing there for a while too. The centre was totally packed with other families with the same idea so the playgym was a bit of a nightmare but Noo had fun all the while.

I picked up a copy of The Wiggles "Best Of" DVD which, for $13.95, was great value with over two hours of Wiggles fun. Noo absolutely loves The Wiggles. We have now watched it over 4 times since Sunday arvo! 

Laying back after a hectic weekend

The best news for me over the weekend is that I'm now tolerating sourdough toast just fine. I don't know about other bandsters but I was so worried about not being able to eat bread ever again. I just love toast! Especially Sonoma sourdough toast. The Bourke Street Bakery does a pretty good sourdough too, but I'm so loving Sonoma's polenta sourdough right now. 

Sourdough toast: one slice with Vegemite, one with ricotta and honey - Delicious!

The bad news re the band though is that I'm pretty hungry a lot of the time again. Can't wait to get that first fill on 18 October. I think I really need it. My weigh in on Monday showed I've only lost half a kilo in two weeks. That's only 1lb in a fortnight! Crap result. I'm eating healthily and half, if not a third, of the food I used to eat. I haven't had any chocolate or sweets for ages. My metabolism must be so shot from all the yo-yoing over the years. By 18 October it will be six weeks from the date of my op so I'll be able to start back at the gym then too. I really need to kick start the weightloss again somehow!

Thank goodness Noo was back at daycare yesterday. I think he was as excited to get back with his friends and teachers as I was for him to go. I spent the day getting my monthly mani/pedi and finally got stuck into all the work I need to complete for TAFE by next Tuesday. I've left everything til the last minute, which is terrible.

Someone asked me recently what I am studying. I did the first semester of an IT diploma in web development at the beginning of this year. I really enjoyed it but the "development" (programming) side was going to get a bit over my head in the second semester so I transferred to the Certificate IV web design course. I've done most of the units for the first semester of the cert IV so I've had a pretty easy semester workload wise. I have only had three subjects. The first is JavaScript which I did last semester but failed so am doing all over again. The second is Copyright & Ethics for which I have an assessment due next Tuesday and Design/FTP (file transfer protocol) which I pretty much did last semester anyway but I have to do a few classes to get this unit for the cert IV.

I've been so consumed with the band - the surgery, the diet, the blogs - its been so hard to focus on TAFE at all. I've got to knuckle down though because I really want to progress to the second semester and complete the certificate by mid next year. Then I really want to get back to work. God, I couldn't have even said those words out loud let alone type them just six months ago. I'm so nearly there. Shift this weight, get my qualification and then I think I'll have my confidence back to get back into the workforce. So, so close!

I'm trying to catch up on every one's blogs while Noo is in Wiggleland so will try to get around to say hi today.

Hope you are all having a great day.

V.

Doctor, psychologist, dietitian

So I had my first post op appointment with my surgeon, Dr Craig Taylor, at the OClinic yesterday which was very brief. Basically he got me to flash my belly and show him the healing scars and was satisfied I was going ok with 6kg weight loss so far. I, on the other hand, am not overly pleased with only 6kg loss as I thought I would have lost heaps more considering my food consumption has gone down majorly in quantity and up in quality.

When I think about it though, 6 kegs isn't that bad. If I was only on WW or Jenny I probably would have lost half that and I'd have a 99% chance of putting those 6kg back on in the not too distant future. At least I know those 6 kilos of flab are gone for good.

After I saw the surgeon I had an appointment with the Clinic's psychologist and then their dietitian. The psych was really lovely but she asked me the "how did you come to choosing a lap band" question. I had to tell my whole story all over again. I can't tell you how many times I've had to go through my mental health history over the last three years. I'm getting better at it every time though and the more I tell it the more it seems like someone else's story and therefore it is slowly losing its power over me. But when I tell the story (see my previous post for some detail) to other people they gasp and grimace and sigh as they hear the dramatic (and sometimes tragic) twists and turns (and lows) my life has taken. Its was a hard process but at the end she understood my whys and my hopes and fears and was very supportive. I also told her all about my blog and about the blogging community and how amazing this support network is, as well as about all the support and encouragement I have from family and friends and she was convinced I would be ok to get through it.

After the psych the dietitian took me through a typical day on solids with the band. Whoa, 1000 calories does not make for much food! Especially as Dr Taylor also said that as the swelling goes down, by the time I am due for my first fill which is booked in for 18 October, I will be eating as I was before the surgery and shouldn't expect much weightloss now until after the fill. I'm dreading feeling hungry all the time again. It was so liberating in those first two weeks post op not to feel that constant gnawing of hunger pangs but I really am starting to notice my rumbling tummy more now. Today I ate quite a large lunch too - probably 1.5 cups worth. I made a 2 egg omlette with a tblsp of canned tuna, a roma tomato, 1/4 cup avo, half a cheese slice. Its was absolutely delicious and I did eat it slowly but it was probably more than I should have had. I only ate a small bowl of soup for dinner though. Needless to say, I'm pretty damned hungry now though.

I am disappointed that there is such a delay between the surgery and the first fill as I really want to continue to lose weight and not plateau now as the doctor suggested I might. I'm committed to staying on track to get to 80kg by the time we go away down the south coast for Christmas and New Year. Christmas is only 12 weeks away so I need to be averaging at least a 1kg a week to make my goal. I've done that before on conventional diets but maybe now I'm older it won't be so easy. I need to get back to the gym as soon as the first six weeks are up and get that metabolism moving. 

Gees, I've just looked at the time and its nearly half past 11 so I must fly. Can't believe its Friday again tomorrow. Hope you all have a fab day/evening wherever you are.

V.

Whinge alert

Before you go any further, please take note...

Not feeling 100% today, both mentally and physically. I feel wiped out. I think my diet is seriously lacking in some real sustenance as I just feel so exhausted and weak. 

Today I had a stack of shopping to do. Fun kind of shopping like buying Noo some new shorts for summer and getting my mum a birthday present but walking around the shops I felt like I weighed about 100 tonnes and I didn't really enjoy it as much as I usually would (I am a shopaholic after all).  

I had lunch with a very good friend of mine which was the highlight of the day. The only problem was I made a stupid food decision. I'm finding it so hard to find appropriate food to eat when I go out and I'm still massively over ordering and therefore wasting money as I through so much food away. Also, its just become apparent to me how enormous a standard serve of food is at a food court - anywhere really - no wonder there's a serious obesity problem here in Australia.

I almost went for Nandos flame grilled chicken ribs because I figured they can't be too bad and there's no carbs (still too frightened to try rice, potato (unless mashed), pasta or bread) but instead went for a bolognaise crepe because its soft. The crepe was absolutely massive so I only really ate about 4-6 small mouthfuls and it was all cheesy and tasted naughty as. I washed it down with half a medium (should have ordered small) fresh vegetable juice. That was nearly four hours ago and I'm still uncomfortable. I feel kind of achy in the centre of my chest and around the port area, as well as my back is aching from walking around town all morning. I feel like I've got no strength in my abdo area at all and like I've got a stitch all over.

Whinge, whinge, whinge, whinge, whinge! 

My mission today to find my mum a birthday pressie was a challenge. I was thinking along the line of nice scarf, make up, jewellery and also looked everywhere for glass salad plates which she mentioned wanting a little while ago. No luck on any of the above. Finally I went to Hunt Leather in the MLC building and got the score of the century - a beautiful bright red handcrafted Italian leather wallet that was reduced from $375 to $260. Bargain! (God I hope my mum has stopped reading my blog otherwise this won't be a surprise on Sunday.) I'm going halvies with my bro and sister in law, otherwise it would totally be out of my price range.

I love buying presents for people! I just wish I had more money to shop with. 

So tomorrow is my big appointment with the surgeon, dietitian and psych. Its going to be interesting I hope. I'm not losing as fast as I'd like to be - I wish they had some sort of pill that was a metabolism speeder upperer. Something that wasn't a stimulant or amphetamine but would just make you burn calories quicker without having to go to the gym and without making you feel like a nervous wreck on speed. Hahahaha. As if. Actually I wish I could invent such a Metabolism Speeder Upperer (that's what I'd call it too) and then I'd be a rich woman and could do all the present shopping I wanted!

The other reason behind the abdo pains is that my little bundle of joy kicked me in the guts half the night. Gees, he was restless! Drove me crazy half the night. And he was up before 5.30am again. I think he misses his Nan and Pa and thank goodness they're back tonight.

As you can tell Noo and I co-share my bed. I tried to get him back into his cot months ago but he wasn't having it at all. I bought him a toddler bed thinking he'd like a big bed that didn't feel like a jail cell but no, he found his way back into mummy's bed. I don't mind most of the time, except when he has night like last night.

Anyways, enough moaning from me. Its not that bad. I have a pretty good life right now and I should stop and smell the roses rather than bitch about the little things.

Hope you have all had better days than me!

V.

Back in jeans!

Thursday morning

Another milestone has been reached - I'm finally back into my "fat" jeans. They are pretty cool fat jeans though. Size 18 (Aussie size 20) American Not Your Daughters Jeans tummy tuck jeans which cost me over $250 last year (I bet they cost nowhere near that in the States!). They are so compfy and flattering. They are the best cut jeans for plus size girls I have ever tried on. I have a pair of blue bootlegs and a pair of black straight cuts. I'm so glad to be out of leggings! I don't want to stay in these too long though, as there are a pile of smaller jeans just waiting for me to fit into them, including another pair of NYDJ blue straight cuts in size US16 (Aussie size 18). And my UK14 (Aussie size 12) Seven For All Mankinds just laying in my draw patiently waiting for me to get that first 20 kegs off.

I've started to fantasise about my summer wardrobe should I continue on this current rate of weightloss. My sister and her husband are currently enjoying a two week stint in Berlin, Paris and London (nice for some!) and Yo, my sister, said she would get me a cool "goal" dress from London - something to aim for. I've been checking out some of the UK High Street stores online and am surprised there's not much in season at the moment that I like.  I did however find these two maxi dresses from Next (of all places).

I particularly like the second one. I love jersey knit and I love maxi dresses because they hide my dreadful knock kneed legs. God, to be as slim as the model in the picture! It will never happen, but I'm cool with that.

I just love clothes and makeup and having nice hair, etc, but when I'm really big, like I am now, I just can't be bothered a lot of the time. Being fair means I really should wear makeup everyday because I look terrible without it. Also my hair is frizz city unless I blowdry it. Once the effort has been made though, I scrub up quite well. But who can be bothered when I'm invisible anyway, no matter what makeup or clothes I wear, because I'm fat!

Not much else to report today. Its kinda cold and windy and overcast here in Sydney. Noo is at kindy and I am trying to catch up on all the tafe work I have missed this term.

Thursday afternoon

Didn't get any tafe work done. Instead I watched Brooklyn's Finest which was pretty bad. Very slow with a couple of strange plot lines that never really connected. I had a delicious lunch though. I should really have taken a picture. I had a small piece of Atlantic salmon I cooked last night with a quarter of an avocado and an egg on top. Protein bonanza! It was sooooo good. Now I'm trying to eat the rest of the salmon with a little mash potato but its not going down as well.

One of my oldest friends came over for a visit this arvo. She's 20 weeks pregnant and after having a coffee I took her to the two maternity shops with have in the city. Its crazy but that's all there is for pregnant women in the city of Sydney. There's a baby boom here at the moment too - pregnant women every where! Looking at the beautiful clothes made me sigh and think for a minute if I'd like another one. It wasn't long, probably a nano second, before I could answer with a resounding NO! I love my boy to death and wouldn't have it any other way to be a single mum but there's no way I could do a second one on my own. Hopefully that will come sometime in the future if I ever meet the right guy.

I've talked enough today so I'll say farewell. Looking forward to my three days hanging with Noo Noo.

V.

One week down!

Sunday morning

Well I'm on day 7. I'm still feeling very sore and uncomfortable but at least last night I slept through to 4.30am. I had the most vivid dreams all night about cakes and pastries! I must have been craving sweet food in my sleep. These cakes were so delicious in my dream. When I woke up I had an instant when I forgot about the band until I moved and reality hit.

Recuperating at home yesterday

I've felt kind of strange about it all over the last couple of days. Yesterday I woke up at about 5am after a particularly uncomfortable night. I'd been up several times with a terrible stabbing pain in my chest which was probably gas caught in my esophagus. It wasn't til I paced the apartment for a bit that I was able to shake it. The fitful sleep and the constant pain had kind of got to me by yesterday morning. I wasn't regretful or sad, just quite flat. I was really quiet, reflecting on the enormity of what I had done to my body in order to lose weight I struggled so many times to lose before.

Like I have talked about in a previous entry it has been a three year journey of self discovery that got me to where I am today. I have been lucky to have the help of my wonderful family and friends who have seen me through some really terrible bad times. I have also had the help of a lot of professionals, from psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and my general practitioner. They were all there to help me wade through the shit of a very deep hole known as Rock Bottom.

Even though I'm not completely healed (I still have severe anxiety attacks in certain situations), I'm a hell of a lot better from how I was. Now it stands to reason, after so much effort has been made on my heart and soul, that some serious work now commences on my body. And considering I've spent so much time, money and effort to heal the mind, why wouldn't I do the same for my body?

Sunday evening

What a difference a day makes! I am feeling 100% better than I was this morning. After having a full day out and about I finally think I've made a turnaround in my recovery. This morning Mum, Noo and I dropped my sister back to her house and then went to our local shopping centre to do a big shop. Noo had a lovely time running around, especially when he found there was a brand new Wiggles Big Red Car ride in the food court. He was so funny, spending half an hour looking over it back, front and centre, climbing and vigorously steering the little wheel. While we were walking around the shops I did find it quite uncomfortable still. Like an elephant was standing on my chest the whole time.

Later we went back to my sister's place for lunch. Her husband had made a delicious roast vegetable and cous cous salad. I was sorry not to be able to have any, but was satisfied with a cuppa soup instead... wow! What a statement. How long will this last I wonder?

On a not so good note, I've had a wicked headache all afternoon.  Could this be from not eating much? That's what it feels like, although I've managed quite a bit today:

6am 1/2 cup white tea

7.30am 1 cup banana smoothie

11am a couple of mouthfuls of a Boost Juice brekky to gogo smoothie

1pm 1/2 cuppa soup

3.30pm 1 cup berry smoothie

7pm 3/4 cup tomato soup

Maybe I haven't drunk enough water? Who knows. 

Random Noo Noo shot because he's so cute!

Its 9pm now and Iron Man is on telly so I think I'll wrap this up now. I hope everyone out there in Blogland has had a fantastic weekend.

V.

That's what friends are for...

Had my first appointment with the dietitian this morning. Its all starting feel more real with every day that passes. I'm getting my band done at the OClinic in Sydney.  The staff are all really nice which is important seeing I'll be going over the Bridge (Sydney Harbour) every month for check ups for the foreseeable future.  I was weighed on arrival today and surprisingly have lost 1.2 kgs.  Amazing!  I think I'm psychologically preparing for next week without even knowing it.

At my appointment the dietitian explained to me the liquid diet and then the mushies phase.  Its going to be a very interesting month as my diet will be changing dramatically.  Its gonna be like going to sugar and fat rehab.  I'm a little anxious about it actually.  I had to fast this morning before having a blood test (the cause of the weightloss?) and I felt so sick and had a terrible headache because I was so hungry.  Does anyone else get this?  I literally feel really, really nauseated if I don't eat regularly.  I just hope that the band sends the right messages to my brain otherwise I will struggle with the half a cup of food per meal.

I got a starter pack from the clinic which included a cook book, some sachets of Optifast, and a shake shaker, Benefibre, a pedometer, measuring tape and a plate that shows exactly how much food you can eat and what types of food should eat.  It also has a circle printed on it which shows you the diametre of hole into the stomach once banded.  An excellent pack of goodies I thought.

After my appointment I went to visit a very good old friend of mine who runs a cafe in the inner city.  We only catch up every couple of months but its always like no time has passed.  I have loads of really good friends like this.  Friends where the passage of time does not put distance in the friendship.  

On Monday night I also caught up with old friends.  These were two girls I worked with back in 2001.  One I hadn't seen since then, the other I had only caught up a couple of times over the last decade.   All three of us had gone through so many changes over that time including getting married, having kids, etc, but there was no awkwardness as we laughed while reminiscing about old times. It was such a great night.  I'm so lucky to have so many great friends. 

One of the big things that I'm worried about post surgery is giving up Diet Coke.  It has been one of my addictions for so long.  I love it.  Truly love the taste of an icy cold can of Diet Coke.  Since getting sober it has been even more my drink of choice.  I only have two cans a day but if I have a bad day I might have a third and a fourth can, just like I would have beer back in the old days.  After the op I will just have to let my Coke go flat so I can drink it because I don't think I can give it up entirely.

Another thing that I love, that's not something I put in my gob, is my iPhone.  I love technology and gadgets.  I always have.  I've been able to hook up a home entertainment system with stereos, tvs and videos since I was about 10 years old.  My iPhone fulfills so many of my needs, both practical and emotional.  I've gone through 4 iPods all of which I've loved and carried with me all the time.  

Music is also another love of mine, although I don't dedicate the same amount of time I use to pre parenthood.  The only gigs I've been to since Noo was born are Fleetwood Mac (excellent) late last year and LCD Soundsystem (awesome) and Hot Chip (also fantastic) a couple of weeks ago.  Since putting on this much weight I can't stand up for long periods of time so thankfully those concerts were seated.  I couldn't go to venues where there isn't seating as I'd wake up the next morning with swollen knees.  

I have a terrible skeletal structure - my legs are hypermobile and my knees knock (what an attractive picture I must be painting!).  I also badly injured my left knee about five years ago which causes me a lot of trouble trying to carry around 98 kegs on.  This injury has also now caused problems with my left hip and ankle.  I've had so many physiotherapy sessions for it and bought expensive orthotic inner soles but really nothing will help until I get the weight down.  This is one of my prime motivations for losing the weight.  I really don't want to be having knee reconstructions any time soon!

Back to the iPhone, I've found a couple of apps that are to help bandsters track weightloss and fills.  They are Barimate and My Band Fill.  Does anyone have experience with these?  Was hoping to get some user experience before deciding which one to purchase.

Well that's all from me today.  I hope anyone reading this is well.

V.

PS. This is a picture of me before I started stacking it on in 2007.  I was about 75kgs in this pic...

I want to look like this again! (Including being 3 years younger.)