New year, old problems

For some reason I always feel like blogging when I feel like shit. Maybe it is because it helps clear the fact from the fiction, the rational from the irrational. Or maybe I just feel like wallowing in my misery and sharing the grief.

My latest woe is boy trouble again. Fucking men. I can say that because I bet there are none that read this blog, so fuck em. Fucking men. Why do I even want one? I have everything. I have a great place to live, an adequate income, great family and friends and most importantly I have my son. My beautiful, beautiful boy. I just hope I raise him with the utmost respect for women because the world does not need another useless, misogynistic coward out there.

Since I last blogged about dating I have met three other blokes with still no success. One was so not my type, the second was a complete weirdo with more issues than I have (which is really saying something) and real anger issues about women and the third I really liked (which of course makes him not like me). Number 3 ticked all the right boxes, plus was hot, lived only 10 minutes drive away and he dressed well and had the same politics as me. We also have similar taste in music and TV shows.

Everything seemed to go so well on our first date! We had lots to talk about, there was lots of eye contact, there was spark! At least I thought so. He was a complete gentlemen, if not a little nervous but I thought we got on famously. He had walked to the pub where we had drinks (him a couple of beers, me Diet Coke) and dinner, so I drove him home not more than seven minutes away. We sat in the car outside his house and he told me about his home and the renovations he'd done to his house, he told me about the neighbours dodgy reno work and about his dog. There was a gentle kiss on the cheek goodbye and talk of going to the cinema next week.

All good, no? Well, I fucked it up I think by sending the first text the next morning. Just a thanks again for last night, really enjoyed meeting you, etc. More text followed and all seemed really well.

And then I sent the first text on the second day after our date. He had sent the last the night before so I thought it would be ok. But then yesterday Noo was playing with my phone and he accidentally sent a really random text of emojis to him. He replied and said he was just having a nap and then going out for dinner with his daughter and would text back later. He could have left it there and I seriously thought he would but he did text back saying hi and telling me about his day. I returned the text with a hi and how was dinner kind of message. He returned with comments about not feeling well after having a curry and that he should stop eating shit and get back to running. He then asked what I had for dinner.

Fuck, sorry about the detail... the clincher comes next.

So I text back saying that I had made a really nice and light meal of chicken sang chow bow. And following on from the exercise theme started in his text I said that I was looking forward to getting back to my spin classes once Noo went back to daycare. I said that I'd lost 20kg last year and was psyched to lose the last 5-10kg this year. And then NO REPLY.

Either he died of food poisoning from that Indian food he had or something about my text regarding my weight loss put him off.

Do you think guys would be turned off if they knew you used to be fat? Maybe it put the fear in him that if I could be that fat once, I could get that fat again?

Do you know what? I am so sick of all this self doubt and double guessing and reading between lines that don't even fucking exist. Maybe I was born to be single!

But I want more children. And my parents can't live forever and Noo will one day want to move out of home and I will be left alone.

I am now sitting here with a large McDonalds Quarter Pounder meal, stuck with a bit of burger and trying to wash it down with full strength Coke. Urgh. Why?

Why?

Don't answer.

D O W N town

Warning: This is another depressing blog post with heavy swearing.


I am D O W N. And I hate it. I don't know what the fucking problem is. I'm eating too much, spending too much and not focusing enough on my studies. I hate to say it but I am L O N E L Y. I'm spelling it out rather than saying the word in full. Seems less real. 


My weight is not changing but why should it? I'm eating way too many calories every day and can't seem to get back that motivation I had at the start of this lap-band journey. I'm filled with my old sense of 'poor me I've had a bad day/hour/minute so I deserve that biscuit/ice cream/lolly'.


The weekends are the worst. Most of my friends are busy and my parents are away and basically I just hang out with Noo. I love my son, he is my world, but I need more adult company. I miss my mum staying down with us like she was at the end of last year. Things have changed and she is spending more time away with my dad, which is fair enough, but I miss her. I guess it is up to me to find my own partner now... but is the time right?


I put a ban on dating when I left Noo's father before Noo was even born. I promised myself I would stay out of the dating scene until I got myself together physically and emotionally. That was nearly three years ago! I also wanted to dedicate myself to raising Noo, with the help of my parents, without the distraction of a new man. But how do I know when I'm ready to get out there again? I thought being ready would mean having lost 30kg and being back at work, but those two things are taking much longer than I expected them too. I have started volunteering one day a week, working in an office, so that is one step forward. But my weight? FUCKING HELL! Just look at my blog's banner. I reached my last goal of 90kg on 15 November 2010. That was three months ago! And it is my six month bandiversary in a couple of weeks and I still haven't made it half way. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? Oh my god. I could cry.


I have got so much stuff to read and do for uni that I haven't had time to read other people's blogs. I've also just signed up for another two subjects next study period. Crikey! This always happens. I sign myself up to do lots and end up doing nothing. Well, not exactly nothing, but I feel overwhelmed. All I wanna do is lay on the couch and read novels or watch TV. I have such good TV to catch up on! Big Love, Californication, the last episode of 30 Rock season 5...


Has anyone tried hypnosis? Maybe I need to be hynotised and have someone reprogram me to get back on this diet. I so don't want to be a lap-band failure. I had the barium swallow on Wednesday. God, that was pretty disgusting. The actual taste wasn't so bad but the texture and thickness was vile. It was pretty cool though watching the screen as the xray showed the goo going down my throat and into my tummy. The radiologist said he couldn't see any problems with my band but I have to see my surgeon on Monday to find out for sure. I also have an appointment to see the dietitian. While I'm there I'm going to ask for an appointment with the psychologist. I need my head shrunk over this stalling in my motivation.


Something has to change.


Hope everyone else is doing better than me!


V.

Whinge alert

Before you go any further, please take note...

Not feeling 100% today, both mentally and physically. I feel wiped out. I think my diet is seriously lacking in some real sustenance as I just feel so exhausted and weak. 

Today I had a stack of shopping to do. Fun kind of shopping like buying Noo some new shorts for summer and getting my mum a birthday present but walking around the shops I felt like I weighed about 100 tonnes and I didn't really enjoy it as much as I usually would (I am a shopaholic after all).  

I had lunch with a very good friend of mine which was the highlight of the day. The only problem was I made a stupid food decision. I'm finding it so hard to find appropriate food to eat when I go out and I'm still massively over ordering and therefore wasting money as I through so much food away. Also, its just become apparent to me how enormous a standard serve of food is at a food court - anywhere really - no wonder there's a serious obesity problem here in Australia.

I almost went for Nandos flame grilled chicken ribs because I figured they can't be too bad and there's no carbs (still too frightened to try rice, potato (unless mashed), pasta or bread) but instead went for a bolognaise crepe because its soft. The crepe was absolutely massive so I only really ate about 4-6 small mouthfuls and it was all cheesy and tasted naughty as. I washed it down with half a medium (should have ordered small) fresh vegetable juice. That was nearly four hours ago and I'm still uncomfortable. I feel kind of achy in the centre of my chest and around the port area, as well as my back is aching from walking around town all morning. I feel like I've got no strength in my abdo area at all and like I've got a stitch all over.

Whinge, whinge, whinge, whinge, whinge! 

My mission today to find my mum a birthday pressie was a challenge. I was thinking along the line of nice scarf, make up, jewellery and also looked everywhere for glass salad plates which she mentioned wanting a little while ago. No luck on any of the above. Finally I went to Hunt Leather in the MLC building and got the score of the century - a beautiful bright red handcrafted Italian leather wallet that was reduced from $375 to $260. Bargain! (God I hope my mum has stopped reading my blog otherwise this won't be a surprise on Sunday.) I'm going halvies with my bro and sister in law, otherwise it would totally be out of my price range.

I love buying presents for people! I just wish I had more money to shop with. 

So tomorrow is my big appointment with the surgeon, dietitian and psych. Its going to be interesting I hope. I'm not losing as fast as I'd like to be - I wish they had some sort of pill that was a metabolism speeder upperer. Something that wasn't a stimulant or amphetamine but would just make you burn calories quicker without having to go to the gym and without making you feel like a nervous wreck on speed. Hahahaha. As if. Actually I wish I could invent such a Metabolism Speeder Upperer (that's what I'd call it too) and then I'd be a rich woman and could do all the present shopping I wanted!

The other reason behind the abdo pains is that my little bundle of joy kicked me in the guts half the night. Gees, he was restless! Drove me crazy half the night. And he was up before 5.30am again. I think he misses his Nan and Pa and thank goodness they're back tonight.

As you can tell Noo and I co-share my bed. I tried to get him back into his cot months ago but he wasn't having it at all. I bought him a toddler bed thinking he'd like a big bed that didn't feel like a jail cell but no, he found his way back into mummy's bed. I don't mind most of the time, except when he has night like last night.

Anyways, enough moaning from me. Its not that bad. I have a pretty good life right now and I should stop and smell the roses rather than bitch about the little things.

Hope you have all had better days than me!

V.