Changing course: what I wanna be when I grow up

Oh I have been a busy bee. I've been trying to read blogs when I can but this has been my first chance to write. I have a new desk which is great, but rather than having my laptop in the lounge room so I can be with Noo while he plays and I type, I'm now tucked away in our bedroom which makes it harder to spend as much time as I was working on my blog. 


Lots has been happening. I dropped out of my web design course at TAFE and enrolled into a Bachelor of Arts (Internet Communications) through Open Universities to study by correspondence. This year at TAFE has not gone to waste though. I have gained so much knowledge and insight into the World Wide Web and confirmed my love for and interest in it. I have also been able to narrow down where my interests lie in this broad field. Basically I am no programmer. I attempted to learn the basics of JavaScript twice and still couldn't pass. My heart wasn't in it because it just didn't come naturally to me and I really think programming has to be something you just get otherwise it is such a struggle.

Working towards a BA Online Communications

To give you some background, I have worked in office administration for my whole career. I was a bloody good admin assistant too. Organised, a good communicator, efficient and very computer literate. I have always had a job. When I left school after year 12 I started working as a junior secretary and worked my way up to be a senior executive assistant with various employers. I was in my last role for nearly 8 years.  For a long time I loved what I did but after my breakdown in 2007 I just couldn't go back to the job I'd always enjoyed. I was burnt out. Over it.


Taking time out of the workforce to heal my shattered soul has also given me lots of time to reflect on the choices I've made and the path my life has taken. It has also given me the opportunity to make changes to turn my life into something extraordinary - well, that is the part I'm up to now. After changing where I lived (moving from London back to Sydney), my lifestyle (getting sober) and my family status (having a baby), I am now ready to change my career.


As work takes up such an enormous part of our lives I think it is so important that we do something we love if we can. So for me, to now be gaining a better understanding of what I want to do and to have the confidence to make this career change while in my mid 30s, it is a very exciting step forward.


I am frightened though. Who wouldn't be? It has been a long time coming, and there is a lot at stake, but I am getting more brave with every day that passes. I've enrolled to do the first two units of my degree over the next three months and then I'm thinking the next step is to get some work experience with an online marketing/web design agency while studying at the same time. Argh! Until recently, I couldn't even think about work, let alone talk/write about it, without feeling extremely anxious and nauseous. Even typing this post has taken me ages. I don't really expect anybody to read this one as it is not band related and it babbles on too much but it is therapy for me.


So, what do I want to be? I want to be involved in the process that helps businesses develop their entire online strategy. From building their website, to using social media for marketing, search engine optimisation... everything. Well, that is the general idea, but I am sure over time as I study more and get some agency experience, I will be able to narrow it down further. If anyone out there reading this has any advice for me in this area, I'd love to read a comment about it.


So there we have it. I am now a university student. I'm very excited about this next step and will keep you posted with how it all goes.


I will post tomorrow with band news.


V. 

Guilt and her good mate Anxiety

Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.

Anxiety is a psychological and physiological state characterized by cognitive, somatic, emotional, and behavioral components.These components combine to create an unpleasant feeling that is typically associated with uneasiness, apprehension, fear, or worry. Anxiety is a generalized mood condition that can often occur without an identifiable triggering stimulus.

How many of you bandits feel guilt on a daily basis?

I suffer from guilt all the time.

Say Guilt is a person. She has two faces - Guilt on one side and Mother's Guilt on the other. She is here today. I hate her. She has brought her best mate Anxiety with her today too. They go hand in hand everywhere really. Guilt knocks on the door first and then as her presence becomes more apparent Anxiety goes and lets herself in without invitation. These two are my worst enemies.

Depression, is you guys know, is another enemy of mine, but she hasn't come calling for ages. Thank goodness, because as a team Guilt, Anxiety and Depression are very hard to battle with.

This is my second post in about 24 hours, but I need to use this forum as a type of therapy. I'm the patient and you wonderful readers and fellow bloggers are my therapists. Even though advice isn't expected, it is really nice knowing that there's people out there listening.

So, why has Guilt arrived today? Noo is sick with a cold. We've been up two nights in a row with poor Noo coughing and spluttering and basically very restless. As a result I didn't put him in day care even though I have a TAFE class this arvo. So Guilt is here telling me I shouldn't be missing another class because I missed this class last Thursday when I had problems with that sleeping pill I took because Anxiety wouldn't let me sleep the night before.

As Noo seemed ok to play I thought I'd take him down to day care so I could get to my class. Half way down the road he started crying and Guilt came screaming back at me. Mother's Guilt. She was all "how could you send this crying child to day care when he's sick?". "But Guilt said I shouldn't miss another class. I can't take him with me!" I objected. "And what about all the other kids down there? Do you want him to pass his germs on to the whole school?" she hissed. "No" and I submitted to both of them, Mother's Guilt and Noo's big tear rimmed blue eyes.

Noo and I walked back in the other direction and headed home via the coffee shop where Mother's Guilt suggested I buy Noo a choc chip friand because he was suffering. As we took the lift up to our floor Guilt started nagging at my shoulder,"but what about your class?". I ignored her. "Can you really afford to miss another one?". I'll just have to - Mother's Guilt always wins an argument.

It just sucks. These two are at me all the time. Anxiety was having a field day by this stage because I had both Guilt's faces having a go so I started to get that sick feeling in the pit of my gut. It kind of feels like going over the top of a rollercoaster but its not good. 

Mother's Guilt then had me on the floor building towers with Noo as Guilt sat in the background sulking about my not going to class and occasionally throwing me a "you'll never pass this course!" and "the teacher won't believe another excuse!".

My sister called then and asked if we'd drive her to the service shop to pick up her car and then go for lunch. It was a welcome distraction. I don't know about Guilt, but Anxiety is a frequent visitor with my sister too so she is good to talk things through with. We went to this cafe local to her and as I ordered what looked like the healthiest, most band friendly dish, Guilt was at me again. "Can you afford this Vanessa?". "Didn't you just write a blog post last night about eating out all the time?" she nagged. "How can you be sure of its dietary value? You'll be fat forever!". "Shh", I responded weakly. Mother's Guilt then asked if I was going to order something for Noo just at the same time Guilt said I shouldn't waste more money on food Noo wouldn't eat. Mother's Guilt piped up "you're not going to give him more of that processed crap again, are you? God you're a bad mother, order him a decent meal". 

$30 later with a bowl of pasta untouched by Noo and a feeling of deep dissatisfaction over the average goats cheese and beetroot salad I ate, we left to go to supermarket.

I won't go on any more but you get what I'm trying to express. I just don't know what to do about these bitches - that two faced Guilt and her bosom buddy Anxiety. I just wish they'd stop coming by my house and leave me alone for good!

V.

A victorious (both scale and non-scale) post

I have been finding really hard to get to my blogging, both writing and reading. I've been so busy these last couple of days especially now my parents are back up the Mountains and I am doing the full on single mum bit without Nanna and Pa's help. Noo really misses his grandparents too so has been acting up today. We were out the door before 9am and back after 4 this arvo. I seriously take my hat off to single...actually any mums out there with more than one child. And those that work, my god, you all should be sainted! 

So my last couple of posts have been a bit whingy, a bit on the negative, and without really noticing, I've actually had some major SVs and NSVs happen.

Happy!

1. I am down to 90.5kg, which brings my total weightloss to just under 10kgs, or 21lbs. Yay me!

2. My BMI has dropped from 32.7 to 29.6, 0.4 below the "obese" range. I'm now in the "overweight" range. Yippee!

3. I went shopping in Target (crikey they have good stock at the moment!) and I have officially dropped a dress size to an Aussie size 16 (US14) in normal (not plus size) fashion. Crazy but true!

4. I can now to wear my US size 14 NYDJ that I bought last year in hope that I would lose enough weight to fit into them and now I finally can.

5. I can fit into a plus size 14 pair of khaki trousers I bought on sale last year but still had the labels on them because I was too big at the time to put them on. 

6. One of the teachers at Noo's daycare asked me if I'd lost weight. People are starting to notice!

7. I picked the Melbourne Cup - the number 8, Americain. Go you little beauty!

8. I passed my JavaScript theory exam and my Copyright exam. Only two more tests and 2 more assessments before the end of the semester. Woo hoo!

9. I have had some delicious food, both at home and out and I'm so glad to be craving salad again.

Smoked chicken, orange, fennel and quinoa salad
made by me for dinner with my sister tonight - very band friendly
- high in protein, low fat, no carbs and no sugar.

Roasted salmon salad from the new upmarket foodcourt in Westfields Pitt Street Mall.
The new centre is fabulous! Finally Sydney is starting to glamour up a bit.
Salad was huge and a bit creamy, but delicious. I only ate half and then delivered
my leftovers to my sister who works in town.

I haven't done anything about the goals I set myself on Sunday night I've been so frantic I just haven't had time to get to the gym or write my meal plan. I did a massive grocery and fruit and veg shop today though so will try to do my menu plan tomorrow as well as go to the gym in the morning. I have only one TAFE class which is in the arvo. 

So despite some major anxiety today out with Noo, all is pretty good. I'm starting to feel like a normal person rather than a depressed fat alien who doesn't belong anywhere. I'm not 100% there but I'm so on the journey. 

V.

Don't call me a fat bitch!

Its Wednesday but I already feel like its Friday. This week has been hectic! I'm struggling to keep up with reading blogs and writing entries.

First off, I really want to say thanks for everyone who follows me and a big thank you to those who comment. I eagerly check after I post every entry to see what your responses might be to whatever I write and it just feels so great to know that there are people out there reading and being so amazingly supportive. If you are following me and I'm not following you and you'd like me to, please let me know. Not all of your profiles show your blog addresses.

****

My last post was last Friday with the BYOC. I love those surveys! The weekend was all about keeping Noo exercised and amused so we all get a goodnight sleep at the end of the day. I've got to really think hard to even remember what we got up to! Saturday was pretty chilled. Noo and I walked around the neighbourhood til he got too tired and wanted mummy to carry him all the way home. There's lots of steep hills around here as we live right near the Harbour and I really got the heart racing and the sweat pouring off me as I carried that 13kg (29lb) bundle of joy around over my shoulders. I can't believe I nearly have twice that weight to lose to get to my goal.

Speaking of weight, it has been a terrible week so far foodwise. I pretty much have no restriction at all now. Although I do get full quicker and I have to be conscious of how I swallow, I'm hungry all the time again. I just hate that feeling of hunger! My neuro pathways in my brain are constantly tingling and sending messages elsewhere that I need something - food, a cigarette, a drink, to shop... I hate it! I never feel satisfied but at least with the early stages post surgery I wasn't hungry. Actually, I never feel like a drink any more, but I do always want to shop and eat! Next Tuesday's fill seems so long away still.

Here are my confessions for this week:

• Ate 2 pieces of Darrell Lee peanut brittle on Saturday night
• Ate 1 Darrell Lee hard centred chocolate on Saturday night
• Ate a piece of the sponge cake my mum made last night for my brother - it was filled with fresh cream and strawberries and topped with passionfruit icing
• Ate one Maccas chocolate sundae at half past midnight this morning as my sister and I were coming back from a 2 hour return trip to the hospital to see my dad after he had an accident with a circular saw (long story)
• Ate three mouthfuls of a brownie this morning that I supposedly bought for Noo but subconsciously I think I bought it for me. I felt so guilty eating it I brought most of it home and gave it to mum to finish

Does anyone know how many Weight Watchers points 1000 calories is equal to? I'm hopeless at counting calories but I pretty much have memorised the WW points book. I think I really need to start writing a food diary again to keep track of the food I'm eating, especially when I get my first fill next week.

****

Yesterday morning as I was driving to TAFE I experienced a very nasty road rage incident. Without boring you with detail, this guy came flying past me from behind yelling abuse at me as he passed, calling me a "fat bitch". I could not believe it! I was in the right! I was so upset about it that for seconds I gripped onto the steering wheel replaying the incident over in my head trying to work out why I was so pissed off. I was trembling with rage! Was it the injustice of being abused when I was in the right or was it being called a fat bitch for the first time since high school (that I can remember)? These thoughts went over in my head in a matter of seconds as I sat there in peak hour traffic trying to get down one of the busiest streets in the Sydney CBD. After seconds passed, I thought this fucker ain't getting away with abusing me!

He got in my lane just ahead of me and drove off as I had to stop to let a car from the on coming traffic turn right in front of me to drive into a parking station (for US readers remember we Aussies drive on the left side of the road). As soon as I could I was off in pursuit of this raging lunatic who dared called me names. It was lucky that the lane was free so I could put my foot on the accelerator to fly down two blocks to catch up with him. I changed into the lane to his right and put my foot on the brake so I was just inline with his drivers side window and hurled the most unladylike abuse at him while giving him the middle finger. He didn't even have the courage to look at me. The adrenalin was pumping through me as I drove off only to be met with a red light.

Next thing I knew he was changing lanes to be right behind me and I made sure that all the doors were locked as he put his brakes on and opened his car door, making as if he was going to get out. I started to panic willing the light to change to green but I stood my ground and did not move. He never got out of the car and as soon as the light changed I was off, losing him at the next intersection. 

Oh my god! I was buzzing all day from the experience! I've NEVER behaved like that on the road ever! But something clicked in me out there in those seconds proceeding him calling me a fat bitch. It was like I had to chase that mofo and give him a piece of my mind for me and all the women out there who've ever been labeled such a hideous name. In those first seconds of the incident I felt horrible and unworthy but after I got him back I felt triumphant and powerful. I know aggression and violence are not acceptable ever, but god, it felt good.

I hope it never happens again but should any man every dare to call me a fat bitch again, watch out! I'll come back and get ya!

V.

I'm hungry!

I'm hungry! And its really annoying me. My first fill cannot come soon enough.

Thursday night is late night shopping here in Sydney so after I picked up Noo from kindy we walked into town for a special treat and have dinner out. Nothing special, just dinner in a foodcourt, so Noo could make all the mess he liked and I didn't have to clean it up. I got Noo's favourite Chinese noodles with Teriyaki chicken and he absolutely loved it. I, of course, shared it with him, feeling guilty with every mouthful as it was sweet and oily but delicious. I ate about the same amount as Noo, which wasn't really much so it wasn't too bad. Not great, but not terrible.

Getting stuck in!

After dinner I went shopping for a pair of pants or leggings to wear out Saturday night. I've been asked to a friend's birthday drinks and I need something nice and fresh to wear. I don't go out very much at night these days and I always get such bad anxiety just before I leave the house, especially when I'm going to a bar. I've probably only been to maybe six or so bars since I got sober in April 08. I don't have fears that I'm going to drink or anything, its just its the whole social thing of everyone dressed up to impress. I feel like an impostor, like I don't belong in these places any more. I feel like I'm too fat for these trendy Sydney scene bars. Argh, I'm getting worked up just typing this!

I have to go though. I think its important for my continued personal development to test my comfort zones and learn that I'm just as worthy as anyone else to enter these establishments, whether I'm big and whether I'm teetotal!

My sister bought me back a really lovely H&M dress/top from London that is black with silver beaded embellishments on the shoulders. I managed to pick up a pair of shiny leggings from TS to go with it. I also got a really flattering dress from TS and it was a small! That is something to be happy about!

I have some cool Camper platform sandals I bought last summer which will go perfectly with the H&M number so maybe all is not so bad for this drinks thing. I'll take photos of both outfit options on Saturday night to post Sunday so you can all see what I bought.

I still have so much TAFE work to get through before next Tuesday but at least I've nearly completed my copyright & ethics assignment. Just need to polish it off and then get stuck into my scripting study. This is where I need those extra five hours a day!

I best be off to bed now otherwise I'll be buggered for tomorrow. Noo is off daycare on Friday as usual so we'll be heading to playgroup together for some energising fun.

Hope all is well wherever you are.

V.

A long weekend in the rain

I haven't been able to post since last Friday. It was a long weekend here in NSW so I spent all my time keeping Noo entertained.  To top it off it rained most of the weekend and we had to put our clocks forward for daylight savings which made the weekend even more interesting with a toddler!

Thankfully the rain held off on Saturday morning and we were able to catch up with some mums and their kids at the park for a play and to check out some baby farm animals that were also there...

Playing in the park with some mates

Noo strutting his stuff with some goats

Sunday was my mum's birthday so we had brunch over at my brother's house to celebrate. Thankfully he didn't do any of his famous pancakes and bacon because I would have struggled to decline. Instead he served eggs Benedict with choritzo and asparagus and hollandaise sauce on English muffins with yogurt and a fruit platter to start. I enjoyed some fruit and had one egg, a tiny bit of choritzo with a tiny dollop of hollandaise. It was all absolutely delicious!

The rain came pouring down on Sunday afternoon and all through the public holiday Monday. To get out of the apartment my mum and I took Noo to Eastgardens, a massive shopping centre in the east of Sydney. We strolled around the centre going from one end to the other stopping for Noo to climb over all the coin operated rides they have there. A lot of shopping centres in Sydney now have playgyms to keep the kids happy so Noo enjoyed playing there for a while too. The centre was totally packed with other families with the same idea so the playgym was a bit of a nightmare but Noo had fun all the while.

I picked up a copy of The Wiggles "Best Of" DVD which, for $13.95, was great value with over two hours of Wiggles fun. Noo absolutely loves The Wiggles. We have now watched it over 4 times since Sunday arvo! 

Laying back after a hectic weekend

The best news for me over the weekend is that I'm now tolerating sourdough toast just fine. I don't know about other bandsters but I was so worried about not being able to eat bread ever again. I just love toast! Especially Sonoma sourdough toast. The Bourke Street Bakery does a pretty good sourdough too, but I'm so loving Sonoma's polenta sourdough right now. 

Sourdough toast: one slice with Vegemite, one with ricotta and honey - Delicious!

The bad news re the band though is that I'm pretty hungry a lot of the time again. Can't wait to get that first fill on 18 October. I think I really need it. My weigh in on Monday showed I've only lost half a kilo in two weeks. That's only 1lb in a fortnight! Crap result. I'm eating healthily and half, if not a third, of the food I used to eat. I haven't had any chocolate or sweets for ages. My metabolism must be so shot from all the yo-yoing over the years. By 18 October it will be six weeks from the date of my op so I'll be able to start back at the gym then too. I really need to kick start the weightloss again somehow!

Thank goodness Noo was back at daycare yesterday. I think he was as excited to get back with his friends and teachers as I was for him to go. I spent the day getting my monthly mani/pedi and finally got stuck into all the work I need to complete for TAFE by next Tuesday. I've left everything til the last minute, which is terrible.

Someone asked me recently what I am studying. I did the first semester of an IT diploma in web development at the beginning of this year. I really enjoyed it but the "development" (programming) side was going to get a bit over my head in the second semester so I transferred to the Certificate IV web design course. I've done most of the units for the first semester of the cert IV so I've had a pretty easy semester workload wise. I have only had three subjects. The first is JavaScript which I did last semester but failed so am doing all over again. The second is Copyright & Ethics for which I have an assessment due next Tuesday and Design/FTP (file transfer protocol) which I pretty much did last semester anyway but I have to do a few classes to get this unit for the cert IV.

I've been so consumed with the band - the surgery, the diet, the blogs - its been so hard to focus on TAFE at all. I've got to knuckle down though because I really want to progress to the second semester and complete the certificate by mid next year. Then I really want to get back to work. God, I couldn't have even said those words out loud let alone type them just six months ago. I'm so nearly there. Shift this weight, get my qualification and then I think I'll have my confidence back to get back into the workforce. So, so close!

I'm trying to catch up on every one's blogs while Noo is in Wiggleland so will try to get around to say hi today.

Hope you are all having a great day.

V.

The diet to end all diets

My anxiety is bordering on out of control at the moment. I'm so worried about the surgery now. Worried that my anxiety will cause another physical symptom that will stop me from having the surgery, worried I'll wake up after the anesthetic and wish I hadn't gone through with it, worried about food envy when other people are eating yummy stuff and I can only handle a few sips of water, worried about the pain, worried about not being able to give Noo Noo any proper cuddles for a week, worried that I will still eat bad food and not lose the weight after so much time, effort and money has gone into this - THE DIET TO END ALL DIETS (supposedly)!

I'm just managing to stop myself from screaming or crying or biting somebody's head off by resorting to my old standby - food. God, I've been a little piggy this week!

My other method of self soothing is shopping.  I absolutely love to shop. When I gave up cigs and booze I took up shopping and eating. I racked up a terrible credit card debt over a six months period last year which will take me five years to pay off.  What an idiot, hey! I love to buy shoes, clothes, books, cosmetics, electrical appliances, baby clothes, toys, have my hair done, massages, manicures, eat out - you name it, I love to spend money on it. I even love going grocery shopping. Anything where money changes hands. Crazy and expensive and self destructive.

The last couple of days I've enjoyed a little retail therapy. I bought some ultra comfy ecco walking shoes. They are red and fit my orthotics in them perfectly. They are much more suitable for long distance walking than my Converse were. If I'm going to be doing minimum half hour of exercise a day after this band goes in, I need decent walking shoes.

I also bought up supplies for my liquid diet - box of Optifast chocolate shakes, Berocca, V8, tomato juice, Up & Go, drinking yogurt, Iced Tea.

I got two new nighties for the hospital. They are quite nice considering they are Maggie T plus size nighties, simple and black knit.

I got my eyebrows shaped and my eyelashes tinted, as I figured I will not be up to applying make up next week.

I bought myself a book called The Non-Designers Design Book as it was recommended by my design teacher at TAFE as being pretty good book for the basics in design principles. While I was at Dymocks I also got Dad his birthday present - a text book for Photoshop Elements - which he is obsessed with at the moment, to put together all his travel photos into slide shows. 

I also went to Daryl Lee (Australia's best chocolate shop, in my view) and got him the "Dad's Bag" which is 1.2 kgs of choccies and lollies and of course had to get a couple of bags of my fave sweets while I was there.

I've been to my favourite bakery - The Central Baking Depot - and bought my favourite bread (sourdough) to consume over the next three days before bread will no longer be a part of my diet (sob, sob). Of course, also had to get some of their delicious white chocolate and date brownies and almond croissants to ensure I get my last fill of them too.

I've been to my favourite dumpling place twice this week for lunch and now I'm a little sick of those gorgeous little parcels of deliciousness. One of my good friends also took me out for my last steak at this lovely resaurant down at The Rocks called Pony Lounge & Dining.

I just wish my op was tomorrow! This week is dragging so badly (despite all the shopping and eating). I just want to get it over and done with. At least I have a few good things planned for the weekend to make the time pass more quickly including a friend's birthday dinner tomorrow night and my sister and I are going to take Noo to the zoo on Saturday, as long as the sunshine comes back.

Well, that is enough whinging and whining for me, I'm off to bed to have an early night.

V.

PS Thought I'd leave you with a design I've been working on for school all day using Photoshop. 

These are my initials

This was taken from a picture of my hand:

I got this tattoo in February 2008

HBO I love you!

This time next week I will be banded!  OMG!

It's late as I've been catching up on Mad Men season 4.  This show continues shine.  I love all the outfits. Joan is hot, hot, hot!  Don is attractive too but his personality does not appeal to me.  This show is all style and sophistication whereas True Blood is all drama and sex and violence.  I love them both!

My true love

Noo and I have still got our colds.  I didn't put Noo in kindy today as we had to go to the doctor's in the morning.  We are suppose to be resting up, trying to kick this thing, although my GP reckons it will be summer before we feel 100% again.  That's kids in day care for you!

I have a JavaScript class tomorrow morning so I must go to bed.  Aaaahhh, scripting, I do not like it.  Too mathematical for me.  I just want to play with Photoshop all day, but alas I must do these progamming subjects for my course.  

The countdown is on to election day on Saturday.  I'm more nervous about that than the surgery really but I won't talk about it too much.  I didn't want to make this a political blog even though I'm really passionate about politics.