Still kicking...

Hi all

Sorry I haven't posted. I've been flatout with Christmas and uni. I'm now blogging over at WordPress for my uni work. The new blog is called An education... and if any of you are interested you can follow me there, although I can only guarantee you yawns if you're not interested in the history of the Web!

Life with the band is still cruising along. Since I had my unfill and was sick I haven't been back for an adjustment. I was due next Wednesday but decided to cancel as I didn't want to risk being uncomfortable while we were on our 10 day trip down the coast. I've been really naughty with chocolates over the last week too but I promise once this silly season is over I'm back on the straight an narrow.

That is all I can manage for now. Time to brush the pearly whites and hit the hay.

Hope all is going well out in bandit blogland.

V.

A busy, busy bee

Aaaah! My poor blog, it has been neglected.


I am now so busy with uni work that my blog has been put to the side. As I am doing Internet Communications I actually need to keep a blog as a requirement of the course, but it has to be one started fresh and not one that is already established. I also need to use Twitter so anyone interested can follow me @babblingbandit.


As far how my band is going everything has settled down at last. After a horror week last week, I finally got over whatever illness it was that I had by Sunday and am well and truly better now. I can eat normally again too, thank goodness. I still have restriction, but no where near as extreme as it was.


I actually got down to 86.5kg at the worst of the sickness but weighed in on Monday at 87.3kg. I have now lost a total of 12.7kg, which I'm really happy about. And I am only 2.3kg from my Christmas goal. I have been watching what I eat, but I haven't been too pedantic. I've been focusing on getting as much nutrients (particularly protein) in as possible.


I hope everyone is doing well out in blogland. I will only be updating this blog once a week now. I have downloaded an rss reader for my iPhone so will endeavour to keep up with you all when I can.


V.

This week can't be over soon enough!

I can't believe I've survived the last week. I'm just so happy it is nearly all over.


So after my last post about getting an appointment for an unfill for next Monday, I woke up Thursday morning and decided I could not wait any longer. I called the clinic again and told them water and yogurt were coming back up and I couldn't hack it any more. Luckily the lovely receptionist said she could get me in to see the doctor that day at 1.40pm. The appointment was at their rooms at the SAN hospital in  Wahroonga (the one that to me, is out Woop Woop (ie far away)). Luckily my mum gave me instructions on how to get there quicker than the old sat nav in our car had given me. It also stopped raining on Thursday and the traffic was relatively light at that time of day so the trip only took me 40 minutes.


The doctor explained that I probably had a lot of swelling around the band making it much tighter than it should be. He took .75ml out and I felt immediate relief. He was so nice about it and completely understanding even though I'd had to come back three times to get it right.


I was so hungry that after I left the clinic I drove to our local shopping centre and bought stuff to cook dinner for the family. I grabbed a small meat pie from the baker which I enjoyed immensely as it was the first solid food I'd eaten in nearly a week.


That night I cooked the most beautiful lamb and lentil dish for the family. I only managed about half a cup because I'd been snacking since the unfill.


By about 8.30pm Thursday night I began to get a yucky feeling in my tummy. I went to the loo and well, it was pretty gross. I had the runs big time. That night I was up four times through the night as my body tried to evacuate everything I'd eaten. When I got out of bed Friday morning I was extremely crook. I started vomiting then too. Not PB style but proper stomach spasm style but there was nothing to come up. It was extraordinarily uncomfortable.


It was so lucky that my parents were down from the Mountains because I needed help with Noo. They took over and I was able to stay in bed in between visits to the toilet. I called my GP to ask him to send a prescription for Maxolon down to my pharmacist. Maxolon is for nausea and I thought if I just took a few of those I'd be ok. How wrong was I! Even though I had taken Maxolon all through the first trimester of my pregnancy because I was so sick with morning sickness with no problem, this time it had a major side effect. 


Has anyone heard of restless leg syndrome (RLS)? I can't remember the formal name for it. Basically I get RLS a lot, mainly in my hips. Its where you get this feeling like you can't sit still and your joints kind of ache. It is mostly experienced at night, just when I'm trying to go to sleep. Pregnant women get it a lot too. I also get it badly with some meds but I'd never experienced it before with Maxolon. I didn't even realise it was the Maxolon which had caused it yesterday.


By about 5.30pm last night it had become almost unbearable. Not only did I have the RLS in my legs and hips, but also in my shoulders and wrists. I couldn't sit still. I was pacing up and down the apartment wringing my hands and fidgeting and generally feeling absolutely atrocious. I started crying hysterically and begging for help.


My parents had a concert at the Opera House to go to and even though they didn't want to waste their tickets worth hundreds of dollars, they stayed home to help me. Dad took me to our local emergency room while Mum looked after Noo. I swear my parents are the most wonderful people. They are always coming to my rescue.


The hospital we go to is always pretty quiet compared to some of the bigger hospitals in our area. I only had to wait about 1 hour before I got to see a doctor. In that hour I paced the waiting room all the while wringing my hands together as the restlessness took over my limbs.


When I finally got in to see the doctor I explained about having a bout of gastro, after not being able to eat or drink much over the previous six days because of my band. I also told him about the horrible RLS. The doctor explained the Maxolon can often cause RLS as a side effect of the medication. So that was what was making me feel horrific! 


I ended up staying at the hospital for about four hours while I had blood taken and a drip attached with a medicine that would stop the RLS, as well as another anti nausea medication and saline to rehydrate me. I also had chest and abdominal x-rays taken... why? I don't know.


I snoozed on and off under those horrible fluorescent lights and with the sound of drunk people coming in with various complaints (it was Friday night after all). Dad came and picked me up at around 10.30pm when I was feeling considerably better.


I'm just so glad that the whole episode is nearly over. I still feel pretty crap while I try to get some food and water into me. I just can't believe how I unlucky I was to get a gastro bug after I'd just got my band unfilled. 


I'm sorry I haven't caught up on other's blogs lately. What with being sick and starting uni, I haven't had much time. I hope everyone else in blog land is having a better time of it than me.


V. 

Calling for a tiny unfill

I'm going to try and do more quickie posts more often rather than only two long posts a week.

I'm still quite restricted. Yesterday I felt heaps better being able to eat soup and some cheese and crackers and a whole protein shake but this morning I haven't been able to get my coffee down. I am really grateful for the advice everyone gave me and I'm now thinking you guys could be right. So I'm going to make an appointment for early next week at Crows Nest (there is no way I'm driving all the way out bush again!) to get a small unfill.

I miss eating! And even though I just joined a gym there's no way I'm gonna put myself through a spin class while my calorie intake is so slow. I'd pass out for sure!

Plus I'm feeling crabby today. Yesterday I was in great mood but today I'm feeling moody and tired and headachy. Defo time to make the call...

Thanks ladies again for your comments.

V.

In and out of the zone

Wow! It has been a very eventful week for me with the band. I've been in the orange, green and red zones and everything in between.


For those readers who are not familiar with the zones, these refer to the level of restriction we have (see excellent diagram below). If a bandit is in the orange zone that means that there is not enough restriction and the person can eat more than a cup of food at meals and is frequently hungry between meals. The red zone is at the opposite end of the spectrum and the bandit has trouble eating and even trouble drinking clear fluids, often to the point of bringing up whatever they have tried to consume. This is often referred to as PBing - productive burping, which is as gross as it sounds and is often accompanied by a lot of slime. The green zone is where we all aim for. The sweet spot it is often called. The place where the band has the right amount of fill so we can comfortably eat about a half to a cup of normal healthy food and be satisfied and not wanting to snack constantly between meals. This is the Holy Grail of banding. 

Copyright Monash University Centre for Obesity Research and Education

Last Monday I recorded a loss of only 300 grams (just over half a pound) which must be why I didn't write about it last week. That day I had an appointment with the doctor for my second fill. I told him that I was well and truly in the orange zone (and had been for a while as documented in my previous post: It's hard to be good without you (restriction)). He asked me how I felt just after I got the first adjustment and I told him that I was initially very restricted and couldn't really eat solids until about a week later (see my previous post: First fill - first almost PB for detail). I told him how I continued to eat solids when I probably should have kept to a couple of days of liquids and mushies as I think I caused some swelling by eating too soon. I was really surprised that he actually disagreed with me by saying I should be able to eat as normal just after a fill. No wonder I didn't remember him saying anything about liquids that first time.


So because of my not being able to eat solids straight away he thought it better that we go a bit slower this time around and only put in 0.5ml taking me up to around 5ml in my 10ml Allergan band. I didn't disagree with him so left not long after. My next appointment was made for 22 December.


That night and for the three days that followed I really didn't feel much change at all. Needless to say I was pretty disappointed as I really want to get to my goal of 85kg by the time we go away for Christmas, and by continuing to be in the orange zone, I'd probably not make it. So Thursday morning I called up the clinic and asked for another appointment. I was very lucky that they could squeeze me in the next day.


On Thursday too, I joined a gym.  We have one in the building but I'm so crap at going and I really miss my spin classes. I have not told anyone about the gym. Only you guys now. You know why? Because I have joined so many different gyms in the past and wasted the membership by not going. At a cost of $56 a fortnight, having that much taken out of my account is gonna sting too. This place is 20 minutes drive from me but it is a women's gym and has a crèche as well as a sensible class timetable with spins at 10am most mornings. All the gyms around me are city gyms with classes before work, lunchtime and after work - all times that are inconvenient to me, and don't have somewhere for Noo to play if I need to take him. I figured I'll tell my fam after I've been going consistently for a few weeks. It is only a six month contract, so I haven't signed my life away.


Thursday night I cooked a beautiful Wagu steak for mum and me for dinner. Mum did a delicious salad. Two bites in and I got stuck, badly stuck. So much so I had to walk around the apartment, pacing up and down the hall jumping and punching my chest trying to relieve the discomfort. Noo joined in too, thinking it was hilarious watching his mum acting like a crazy woman. I know, I know, we're not suppose to eat steak, but I've never had a problem with red meat cooked medium rare... so far, at least.


Friday morning, my breakfast took a little longer to get down and when I took Noo over to visit my brother the fresh pikelets he cooked on the BBQ were a little uncomfortable going down as well. What to do? What to do? Were these signs I had got in the green zone finally, four days after the fill on Monday? Or was it just a little swelling from the steak incident the night before and would probably go down soon anyway?


I'd made the appointment and felt obliged to go. It was miles away though. At least an hour's drive. The usual rooms I go to are 10 minutes from my apartment but this appointment was in Wahroonga which is ages away for me. I had to drive through a national park to get there because sat nav took me the most convoluted way. The whole time I was thinking, am I doing the right thing? What the hell am I doing out here in the bush?


When I arrived I explained things to the doc but left out the fact I'd got stuck the night before. I thought, I'm here now, he might as well put a bit in to make sure my restriction was good to last me through to the end of December. He took all the saline out of the band to check how much was in there and then put it all back plus another half a mil. Big mistake... on my part, not his. I should have told him about the steak and the pikelets because oh am I paying for it now.


Even though when I drank a class of water in the clinic I was kind of ok, by Friday evening I was struggling with liquid so missed out on dinner. Noo was up half the night vomiting for some reason (he was fine Saturday morning) and I could barely manage a sip of water while getting up to change sheets and pajamas and mop up vomit. Saturday morning I felt just terrible. Dehydrated and lacking in sleep and we were packing up to go away for the night with my sister and her husband.


Mum, dad, Noo and I bundled into the car and headed north, stopping at a servo on the way for fuel and a drink. I got a chocolate milk as I thought I'd be able to manage some more fluids and the milk would make me feel better. Wrong. I PBed it straight up into a plastic bag. Gross. From then on I only took the tiniest of sips of water and by the time we reached the Central Coast I felt horrific.


My sister and her husband got to the house a couple of days before so were all settled. They are so great with Noo so took over while I just laid around trying not to focus on the terrible headache and nausea I felt. I basically dozed the entire day. It was a pretty nice place to sloth around in...

The view from the deck

I've mentioned loads of times before about my family and food. Well they cooked up a storm all weekend with dishes ranging from grain fed beef tenderloin with salsa verde and free range, pasture reared organic chooks with walnut, beetroot and goats cheese salad and vegies, bread... the works! Mum also made the Mangomisu we had on my birthday as well as a chocolate cake. While they all ate the weekend away, I sucked on ice cubes and tried not to cry about my rotten dehydration headache.


Things improved slightly Sunday morning and I was able to keep a fair bit of water down and a cup of coffee. I was buzzing like crazy from the coffee so was able to join in rather than just sleep. Some friends came up for lunch but I just sat up the end of the table with a Gatorade and fed Noo.

Buzzed on caffeine and getting through my second day without food 

By Sunday evening things improved a bit more. I had a cocktail party to go to with some friends who were visiting from London. It was a lovely evening and the most delicious looking canapés were served. I refused all those offered and only sipped on water. 


The best thing about the night was everyone's amazement at the weight I've lost. The compliments came thick and fast and I loved every minute of it, which kind of made up for the dizziness and the gnawing stomach. I even told people why I couldn't eat. I explained about my surgery and that I got a little too much saline put in but all would be ok in the end. At around 8pm I even managed some soft cheese and a couple of spoonfuls of guacamole. That was all I had eaten since breakfast Friday morning.


Today has been tough again. I've kept water down all day and have eaten two small pieces of soft cheddar cheese. For lunch I had a small skim cappuccino. For dinner I tried to eat the insides of a meat pie Noo was having for dinner, but it got stuck. I didn't PB though. I've just had about a quarter of a cup of Asian chicken broth which has stayed down too.


To all you bandits out there, what would you do in my situation? Would you go back for an unfill asap so you could eat again? Or would you ride it out and wait for the restriction to go down a bit by itself first? I'm so worried if I go back I'll get back in the orange zone and be eating again. Especially after almost four days of fasting. But how long can I sustain this for? The doctor said you can survive without eating but not without drinking water and I can drink water. Plus today's weigh in sees me at 88kg! That makes me 12kg (26.5lb) down! I want to keep that going. I'm not really hungry most of the time but I don't have my normal energy levels and at times I feel faint.


The crazy thing is that I think I was in the green zone Friday morning and I missed it. It is still early days with my band so I wasn't to know for sure, but I'm pretty certain I've learnt my lesson now. A fill adjustment can take days to take effect and I shouldn't rush back for second appointments until at least a couple of weeks post fill.


So fellow bandits, help me here... what would you do?


V.

Changing course: what I wanna be when I grow up

Oh I have been a busy bee. I've been trying to read blogs when I can but this has been my first chance to write. I have a new desk which is great, but rather than having my laptop in the lounge room so I can be with Noo while he plays and I type, I'm now tucked away in our bedroom which makes it harder to spend as much time as I was working on my blog. 


Lots has been happening. I dropped out of my web design course at TAFE and enrolled into a Bachelor of Arts (Internet Communications) through Open Universities to study by correspondence. This year at TAFE has not gone to waste though. I have gained so much knowledge and insight into the World Wide Web and confirmed my love for and interest in it. I have also been able to narrow down where my interests lie in this broad field. Basically I am no programmer. I attempted to learn the basics of JavaScript twice and still couldn't pass. My heart wasn't in it because it just didn't come naturally to me and I really think programming has to be something you just get otherwise it is such a struggle.

Working towards a BA Online Communications

To give you some background, I have worked in office administration for my whole career. I was a bloody good admin assistant too. Organised, a good communicator, efficient and very computer literate. I have always had a job. When I left school after year 12 I started working as a junior secretary and worked my way up to be a senior executive assistant with various employers. I was in my last role for nearly 8 years.  For a long time I loved what I did but after my breakdown in 2007 I just couldn't go back to the job I'd always enjoyed. I was burnt out. Over it.


Taking time out of the workforce to heal my shattered soul has also given me lots of time to reflect on the choices I've made and the path my life has taken. It has also given me the opportunity to make changes to turn my life into something extraordinary - well, that is the part I'm up to now. After changing where I lived (moving from London back to Sydney), my lifestyle (getting sober) and my family status (having a baby), I am now ready to change my career.


As work takes up such an enormous part of our lives I think it is so important that we do something we love if we can. So for me, to now be gaining a better understanding of what I want to do and to have the confidence to make this career change while in my mid 30s, it is a very exciting step forward.


I am frightened though. Who wouldn't be? It has been a long time coming, and there is a lot at stake, but I am getting more brave with every day that passes. I've enrolled to do the first two units of my degree over the next three months and then I'm thinking the next step is to get some work experience with an online marketing/web design agency while studying at the same time. Argh! Until recently, I couldn't even think about work, let alone talk/write about it, without feeling extremely anxious and nauseous. Even typing this post has taken me ages. I don't really expect anybody to read this one as it is not band related and it babbles on too much but it is therapy for me.


So, what do I want to be? I want to be involved in the process that helps businesses develop their entire online strategy. From building their website, to using social media for marketing, search engine optimisation... everything. Well, that is the general idea, but I am sure over time as I study more and get some agency experience, I will be able to narrow it down further. If anyone out there reading this has any advice for me in this area, I'd love to read a comment about it.


So there we have it. I am now a university student. I'm very excited about this next step and will keep you posted with how it all goes.


I will post tomorrow with band news.


V. 

Food glorious food!

It's Friday again! I can't believe how time flies the older you get. Noo's perception of time must be so different from mine. One week probably seems like forever to him, whereas for me, it is over in the blink of an eye.

It is a miserable day here in Sydney, cool and overcast with a stickiness to the air which suggests rain. It is 7.30am and Noo is sitting up eating Nutella on toast in a slow and steady manner which includes occasionally rubbing his Nutella covered fingers though his hair. I am starting with a delicious cup of black Campos coffee which is a smooth as velvet and gives me the jump start I need in the morning.

We have been out all day to the Museum of New South Wales to check out the dinosaurs (or 'Saus as Noo calls them), shopping around town (even though I am completely skint) and generally just enjoying walking around this city of ours.

Food glorious food

I've talked previously about my entire family's obsession with all that keeps us fuelled and satisfied (ie food), which is also pretty obvious from some of the pictures I've posted in the past (particularly see my birthday post). I'm sure a lot of us bandsters have foodie tendancies.

I have always loved to cook, except for some strange reason, I lost my cooking mojo after I moved back from London in 2008. I don't know if it was because I gave up drinking, or because of mostly living with my parents since then (I get an inferiority complex cooking for mum). I don't know. Even when I did have my own place for a short time before Noo was born I couldn't find the inspiration or the creativity within me to come up with the dishes I had done before.

You might ask why I just didn't use a recipe book. Well I did, but even looking through great cook books and online recipes, they didn't inspire me to put knife to chopping board. I'd eat good food if it was cooked for me by my family or if I went out, but generally I was a slack arse at home and had little interest in what I ate. I'd be happy with cheese slices and crackers if that was all that was in the fridge.

For the years preceding this gourmet rut cooking was a sort of relaxation technique for me. After working all day at the office I would drop by the supermarket on the way home to collect whatever I needed for dinner that night. After dropping my handbag on the floor and getting changed out of my suit, preparing the food would relax me and help me wind down for the evening. I loved it. And I was great at it. I cooked meals for one and dinner parties for 12 and canapes for 30. I cooked Spanish, Italian, Chinese, Thai, Indian, French, whatever style food. Breakfast, lunch and dinner.

While I was living in London and single I still had this ritual on most weekday evenings (not much eating was done on the weekends). While I was there I took a photo of every single meal I cooked using my mobile phone. I don't know where all those pictures are now. Probably most went the way of the phone (landfill) but I did find 38 of them which I have put into a collage using a nifty program called Shape Collage.

Cooking in London

How cool is that!

But like I said, in the last three years I've had a kind of cook's block - writer's block but with food. By having the band installed and starting this blog, I think the block is starting to lift. I'm back in the kitchen!

Clockwise from top left - haloumi, lentil and pumpkin salad; smoked chicken, orange, fennel and quinoa salad;
avocado and tuna spaghetti, crunchy tuna salad with pepitas and sunflower seeds

It is only early days yet but I'm getting there. It is incredibly hard to be motivated when I've got Noo to look after. He is so fussy with food that it makes it hard to cook up anything interesting that we can both share and who has the time or the energy to cook two dinners every night?

I've just got to take it step by step, meal by meal, and I'm sure before I know it I will be entertaining again.

Thank you again for reading. Thanks again to all my lovely followers and especially you cool chicks who always write lovely comments - I love every one of them.

Hope everyone out there has fantastic weekends.

V.

Down in jeans size

Hello wonderful bloggers.

I'm due a post but it is late and I have an episode of Dexter to catch up on so I am just going to post a couple of pics of my outfit today. 

I'm so loving clothes again (well I never really stopped). Now I've lost 10 kegs I'm pleased to announce I'm down to the next sized jeans in my pile that ranged from AUS18 down to a size AUS12. In this picture I'm wearing my AUS16 (US14) NYDJ straight leg dark blue jeans with a size 16 grey marle and black striped top from the 'normal' section at Target, an Italian made cute red scarf with white spots that I scored on sale at Myer last week, with my white Clarks flats.

My sister took the second photo this morning so I could get the jeans and the shoes in but being side on it looks like my tummy is stuck right out but its not really. My big boobs are making that happen!

That's all for tonight. I have lots of news though that I want to document although not much news on the band front. Quite hungry and craving choccies. I think it might be TTOTM coming. Four days til my next fill!

Hope all is well in the blogosphere.

V.

Feeling fab! In the 80s at last.

This entry is going to be such a contrast to last week's Guilt and Anxiety post. After having a fantastic birthday on Saturday I have been rewarded again with the scales clocking in at 89.8kg. I'm finally below that elusive 90kg (200lb) mark!

Dressed and ready to party on my 36th birthday

Saturday started with high anxiety. Noo was gagging to get out of the house and play so was a little terror, running around pulling the place apart just as I was trying to tidy up and organise outfits, etc for the big day ahead. At one stage I snapped, as he continued to pull everything from under his change table out after I repeatedly asked him not to. The poor little thing is only 22 months so doesn't really understand. That didn't stop me shouting at the gorgeous little boy and telling him to get out while I picked him up and then closed the door on him. I was so upset! So was he. I felt so bad about it later. Seeing that little face look up at me while I closed the door broke my heart but I was just so frustrated. Five minutes later, after composing myself, I went back out and said sorry and he gave me a big hug saying sorry too.

I think I have a lot of patience generally and I especially have a lot of patience for Noo, but sometimes I just snap. I just find the best thing is to remove myself from the room (or in this case, remove Noo) and stop and take some deep breaths and remember, he is only a little boy, not even two years old.

It was a really hot and balmy Sydney summer's day. I love warm weather, but not too warm. I just don't like the frizzy hair and melted make up that comes with the heat and humidity. By the time we got to my sister and brother in law's house for lunch, it was just right, and with the French doors open to their back garden, there was a lovely breeze through, making it the perfect place to be.

For my birthday feast, my brother made the most delicious Vietnamese style rice paper rolls with prawn and salad, accompanied by one of his fantastic sauces. I wish I took a photo to show you, before we all demolished them.

The main course was cooked by my wonderful brother in law who baked the most amazing dish of Asian style whole snapper served with Chinese BBQ pork and pineapple fried rice and Asian greens. Absolutely to die for! And nothing was too heavy or overly calorific - until dessert that is!

Asian style baked whole Snapper

Birthday feast - Chinese roast pork and pineapple fried rice

As requested, my mum made her sumptuous Mangomisu, which is a summery take on the Italian classic, Tiramisu. Absolutely to die for but very rich as it is chock block full of mascapone and thickened cream and sugar and Grand Marnier. So, so good!

As I don't have much restriction I was able to enjoy all three courses, but I had much smaller serves than I would have in the past. I was stoked though not to be too tight. I mean, who would want miss out on all that delicious food?

I love my family, we are small, but we are quality. I love them all to bits. I am so grateful for all the effort put in to make my birthday as special as it was.

Mum's Mangomisu

After lunch Noo got out in the back garden to play under the hose with his uncles watching on. He had such a fabulous time.

Noo having a ball!

Once lunch was over, my parents took Noo up the the Blue Mountains with them so I could have a couple of nights off. I missed him so much while he was gone, but was so glad for the sleep.

Once we said our goodbyes, my sister, brother in law and I got ready to go out to meet up with friends for my birthday drinks at a bar in Sydney's inner city. I had such a wonderful night. In fact, it was the best night out I've had in a long time. I felt great, I wasn't uncomfortable physically or mentally, I felt kinda normal! I was by no means the biggest girl in the room, amongst Sydney's beautiful people. I didn't feel self conscious about not drinking or feel that I couldn't get amongst it without having that artificial confidence that alcohol use to give me. That was the reason I started drinking in the first place so I can't tell you how good it was to realise I don't NEED it any more. I am ok as I am!

Losing weight off my face

Stoked about my weightloss

It is just amazing what being down 10kg can do. I just can't imagine what I'll feel like when I get to 80kg or 70kg! After I had such a naughty week of eating, seeing that drop on the scale has given me new motivation to keep going and get to that next weightloss goal of 85kg by Christmas. It felt so good to cross off 90kg. So fantastic! Can you tell I'm ecstatic! 

Check it out...

Before I go, thank you for the supportive comments I got last week when I had my little anxiety attack. Your comments are so appreciated and cherished so thank you!

I hope everyone in blogland has had great weekends. And looking forward to more success this week as we head closer to Christmas.

V.

Guilt and her good mate Anxiety

Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.

Anxiety is a psychological and physiological state characterized by cognitive, somatic, emotional, and behavioral components.These components combine to create an unpleasant feeling that is typically associated with uneasiness, apprehension, fear, or worry. Anxiety is a generalized mood condition that can often occur without an identifiable triggering stimulus.

How many of you bandits feel guilt on a daily basis?

I suffer from guilt all the time.

Say Guilt is a person. She has two faces - Guilt on one side and Mother's Guilt on the other. She is here today. I hate her. She has brought her best mate Anxiety with her today too. They go hand in hand everywhere really. Guilt knocks on the door first and then as her presence becomes more apparent Anxiety goes and lets herself in without invitation. These two are my worst enemies.

Depression, is you guys know, is another enemy of mine, but she hasn't come calling for ages. Thank goodness, because as a team Guilt, Anxiety and Depression are very hard to battle with.

This is my second post in about 24 hours, but I need to use this forum as a type of therapy. I'm the patient and you wonderful readers and fellow bloggers are my therapists. Even though advice isn't expected, it is really nice knowing that there's people out there listening.

So, why has Guilt arrived today? Noo is sick with a cold. We've been up two nights in a row with poor Noo coughing and spluttering and basically very restless. As a result I didn't put him in day care even though I have a TAFE class this arvo. So Guilt is here telling me I shouldn't be missing another class because I missed this class last Thursday when I had problems with that sleeping pill I took because Anxiety wouldn't let me sleep the night before.

As Noo seemed ok to play I thought I'd take him down to day care so I could get to my class. Half way down the road he started crying and Guilt came screaming back at me. Mother's Guilt. She was all "how could you send this crying child to day care when he's sick?". "But Guilt said I shouldn't miss another class. I can't take him with me!" I objected. "And what about all the other kids down there? Do you want him to pass his germs on to the whole school?" she hissed. "No" and I submitted to both of them, Mother's Guilt and Noo's big tear rimmed blue eyes.

Noo and I walked back in the other direction and headed home via the coffee shop where Mother's Guilt suggested I buy Noo a choc chip friand because he was suffering. As we took the lift up to our floor Guilt started nagging at my shoulder,"but what about your class?". I ignored her. "Can you really afford to miss another one?". I'll just have to - Mother's Guilt always wins an argument.

It just sucks. These two are at me all the time. Anxiety was having a field day by this stage because I had both Guilt's faces having a go so I started to get that sick feeling in the pit of my gut. It kind of feels like going over the top of a rollercoaster but its not good. 

Mother's Guilt then had me on the floor building towers with Noo as Guilt sat in the background sulking about my not going to class and occasionally throwing me a "you'll never pass this course!" and "the teacher won't believe another excuse!".

My sister called then and asked if we'd drive her to the service shop to pick up her car and then go for lunch. It was a welcome distraction. I don't know about Guilt, but Anxiety is a frequent visitor with my sister too so she is good to talk things through with. We went to this cafe local to her and as I ordered what looked like the healthiest, most band friendly dish, Guilt was at me again. "Can you afford this Vanessa?". "Didn't you just write a blog post last night about eating out all the time?" she nagged. "How can you be sure of its dietary value? You'll be fat forever!". "Shh", I responded weakly. Mother's Guilt then asked if I was going to order something for Noo just at the same time Guilt said I shouldn't waste more money on food Noo wouldn't eat. Mother's Guilt piped up "you're not going to give him more of that processed crap again, are you? God you're a bad mother, order him a decent meal". 

$30 later with a bowl of pasta untouched by Noo and a feeling of deep dissatisfaction over the average goats cheese and beetroot salad I ate, we left to go to supermarket.

I won't go on any more but you get what I'm trying to express. I just don't know what to do about these bitches - that two faced Guilt and her bosom buddy Anxiety. I just wish they'd stop coming by my house and leave me alone for good!

V.

It's hard to be good without you (restriction)

I am hungry!

I do not like this sensation.

I need a fill badly and my appointment is a couple of weeks away still. I am trying to be so good, but its hard to be good without you.... hahaha... that's a Vince Jones lyric. He's a jazz singer/muso here in Aus. I don't know if he wrote the song It's Hard To Be Good, but its in my head a lot because that's how I feel right now... Anyway, I'm famished. My will power has vanished. Five weeks between fills, especially this early on in the process, is too long.

I have been keeping a food diary since Monday to really see where I'm fucking this up. The big problem as far as I can see, is that I eat out way too much, and I'm unorganised. I don't plan meals ahead of time. Plus having a fussy eater for a kid makes it hard too. Having a kid full stop is hard when it comes to food. I've got to have cheese and full cream milk and sausages and fish fingers, etc in the house that I normally wouldn't have if it wasn't for Noo. Not that I'm blaming Noo Noo for my poor diet. I'm just pointing it out as another obstacle to my staying on track and losing weight.

So here's my food diary for the last three days, the bad stuff is in red:

Monday

Breakfast - 1/2 tub of Ski De-Lite yogurt

Snack - Uncle Toby's yogurt top muesli bar

Lunch - yum cha - Sky Phoenix, 1 scoop Chocolate ice cream - Westfield foodcourt

Snack - 1 mum's macarons

Dinner - 1/2 cup fruit salad, 1 fish finger, 1/2 cup chilli con carne - cooked by me with lean mince - served with 1 tablespoon shredded cheese, 1 teaspoon light sour cream

Tuesday

Breakfast - 1/2 tub of Ski De-Lite yogurt, 1 cup melon

Snack - Carmen's muesli bar

Lunch - 1/2 small serve ma po tofu pork - TAFE canteen

Snack - 1 cup melon

Dinner - 1 slice lean roast pork, 1/2 baked potato, 1 small piece kumera, gravy and apple sauce - cooked by mum

Ma po tofu pork - I only ate half of this small serve

Wednesday

Breakfast - 1 tub of Ski De-Lite yogurt

Snack - none

Lunch - 1/2 serve tuna salad, handful thick cut hot chips, 1 scoop banana ice cream - Westfield foodcourt

Snack - 1 handful raw cashews

Dinner - 2 thin pure beef sausages, 3 macarons, 1 snack pack of mini cookies

There's way too much red in there! And I've only done one session of exercise so far this week too. I have excuses for that, but really? There's too many excuses! I know it's boring for you, the reader, to see my food diary, but to actually see it typed up like that really makes me stop and think. Its all about control. Control is something I lack. That's why I got the band in the first place. I know, I know... its a tool, not a magic wand, I've got to work it. These times in between appointments are the killer.

Its still early days. I'm only one fill down and I've lost nearly 10 kilos (20lb) in 10 weeks so I should really be happy, right? I just expected the green zone to be found sooner and the weight to drop off faster and to not feel hungry between meals ever again.

There's six weeks until Christmas can you believe it! I had really hoped to get to 80kg by the time we went down the coast for our holidays but it looks like I need to be a bit more realistic. My new goal is 85kg by Christmas. That means, eating better and exercising more and finding a new song to get into my head!

V.

Babblings...

I have been a busy bee these last four days so I have a bit of catching up to do. 

Thursday

Last time I blogged I had my big list of NSVs and was feeling on top of the world, even though I'd had quite an anxious day with Noo. Well that night I had trouble getting to sleep and it wasn't til 1am on Thursday morning that I stupidly decided to take one of these over the counter sleeping tablets that my parents got from the US when they were there a couple of months ago.

These pills were terrible! Well they did the job by getting me to sleep but I couldn't wake up again properly until Friday morning - two days later. I had so much trouble waking up on Thursday so much so that I basically cancelled my whole day so I could sleep it off. I managed to get Noo fed, dressed and down to day care and then came straight back home and back to bed, where I stayed til nearly 1pm. I was still terribly drowsy but thought I'd better wake up and try having more coffee so I didn't waste the entire day in bed but still didn't manage to get too far from the couch. I picked Noo up from day care at 5pm and had us both fed, bathed and into bed by 7.30. I think I went off to sleep before he did.

Needless to say, no matter how bad my insomnia is I'm never taking those pills again! They really brought my mood down too. After feeling so good the day before, I felt really low and defeated.

Friday

Thankfully, all was back to normal on Friday and both Noo and I woke in great moods. Noo is home with me Fridays and we planned to spend the day with one of my very good friends from England who now lives here in Bondi (of course - where all the Poms go!) permanently.

We started off by going to the new Westfield shopping centre in the Pitt Street Mall for yum cha at my favourite yum cha restaurant Sky Phoenix. The refurb of the restaurant isn't much to write home about but the food is still delicious and very band friendly. Well friendly in that dumplings and noodles go down really easily - probably too easily, if you're being strict with calories. I ate probably a bit too much.

Next stop was to the new foodcourt floor called the Sydney Room to show my friend the dessert bar. The ice cream cases have apparently been imported from Italy and they were designed by Ferrari! Well, that's what I heard some blokes saying as they ordered their $5 scoops of ice cream. I couldn't resist so shared a scoop of honeycomb fig with Noo. Divine!

Me and the Italian ice cream bar

We were so full so decided to go for a bit of a walk around town and then off to check out an exhibition at the Museum of Sydney. Next we walked around the Harbour and up through The Rocks Markets, stopping for a cool beverage before heading home.

Noo and I wore our red Chucks and black jeans

All in all it was a great day for fun and a terrible day for food.

Saturday

Saturday was just horrible as it rained all day. It was boring basically so I won't go into any details except to say I stupidly attempted to eat some toast and it got massively stuck. Not going to do that again! I don't have a lot of restriction though and my next fill isn't for another two weeks. 

Sprung playing with Mummy's laptop

Sunday

On Sunday Sydney was bathed in the most beautiful blue sunny skies which was a welcome relief after a week of cold and wet weather. Noo and I headed out to the beach with Auntie Yo, my sister Yolanda. Thankfully Yo is a beach babe so she took Noo in the water and they had the most wonderful time splashing about. I sat up on the beach fully clothed watching everyone around me.

I have not liked my body in cosies since I was about 12 years old. Not only am I fat and flabby but I'm pale and white, which just makes fat look worse. Tanned fat seems better looking. Urgh! Gross, I hate my body in swimmers. I'll go in my Miracle Suit swimmers at the pool because I love swimming and Noo is a full on water baby who'd like to be a merman I think, but I really have to use all my therapy skills to get myself out there and just pretend my body doesn't really exist. I kind of just ignore it. My girlfriends are all slim and tanned and despite most of them having had a couple of babies, they're tummies are flat. It is so unfair!

Noo on the see saw

Me nearly 10kg down but still fully clothed on the beach

Too cute for words!

That's my sis in the background

After the beach we went to Centennial Park for lunch where I had a delicious goat cheese, beetroot and lentil salad served with watercress, which really was very healthy and very band friendly. I wish I got a photo. It was so good. 

We had a great day. I love hanging out with my sister. She is one of my favourite people in the whole world. I absolutely adore her. And she absolutely adores my son so the three of us always have great times together.

Monday

I weighed myself this morning and I clocked in at 90.7, which is a 200 gram gain on last week's 90.5kg weigh in. Disappointing but I'm not devastated. I deserved it and I'm just so thankful that my poor week of eating didn't amount to an entire kilo being stacked on.

Today I started my morning by dropping Noo to day care and then I took the most beautiful walk around the Harbour. I really walked hard and up and down some of the massive hills and old stone staircases we have around here. It was a really good 50 minute workout.

After though it was back to Sky Phoenix with my parents and sister for a yum cha dumpling pig out. I should explain that Sky Phoenix has been closed for about a year while the new Westfield was built which is why the sudden need to go twice in five days. I've had my fix now so will not go back for a while.

As I said earlier, I am not feeling much restriction so it will take some will power to keep my portion sizes down and to eat well over the next two weeks while I wait for my next fill. Its my birthday on Saturday too so there will definitely be cake. I am really going to try to exercise when I can so hopefully I can get into the 80s soon.

Anyway, this post really lives up to the moniker "babbling bandit" as I have carried on way too much. I have a border-line migraine so I'm going to leave it like this rather than try to edit down to something more succinct.

I hope all is well out in Blogland and I will endeavour to catch up with your blogs as soon as I can.

V.