Sitting with it and riding it out

What a day! Its been full on. My 21 month old son has finally hit the "terrible twos". 

Noo started this morning by tearing apart the apartment because his grandmother and I was taking it slow to get ready to leave the house. Slow in that we weren't ready until 9.15am, rather than 8.30am which is about the time Noo has been getting down to daycare this week. We left the building with Noo attached to his teddy bear reins with me holding on and his Nanna pushing the stroller. We had to stop at every car while Noo exclaimed "car! car!" and then "door! door!" while he tried to open the door to every vehicle we passed making him look like a little child thief.

At this pace it was going to take us 2 hours to take the 15 minute walk into the CBD so, with a little force, I managed to get him screaming into the stroller to complete the trip. We were off to the Dymocks building for a coffee and so Noo could have some morning tea. As soon as we came into view of Darrell Lee (Australia's oldest confectionary shop) he started shouting "more! more!" which in Noo language means "feed me, feed me!". He has only just started to recognise that the lollie section at the supermarket and Darrell Lee are where good, yummy, delicious food experiences can happen. Just typing this is making me desperately want some Darrell Lee peanut brittle fingers right now. God, how I love that shop! 

Oh yeah! These rock! (Image owned by Darrell Lee)

Walking past it now is so hard as the distinctive smell of their chocolate wafts out the front door and tantilises your nostrals as you walk by. I must have passed by that store at least a dozen times since I've been banded and haven't gone in once, but god its hard. Its very much like when I first gave up booze and I still loved the smell of stale cigarettes and beer that permeated the doors of many an old pub throughout Sydney and I would slow my pace to get a whiff of that intoxicating aroma. Vile, I know, but back then I loved it yet managed to resist it and over time the smell eventually became disgusting to me.

So, back to today, we got to Dymocks and were able to get a little booth in the cafe. Noo had a milkshake and shared some raisin toast with mum and I had a cappuccino. All good until Noo slipped out of the booth and started bolting around the books shelves pulling out tomes on art and such. We quickly paid our bill and moved on down to the children's section where they have a train for little kids to climb all over. Noo loves it but this time the game included running up the stairs to the little seat in the train, running down them and then doing a loop around the entire floor, knocking into other customers, as he returned to the train to start all over again. Sales staff smiled and looked on politely but I could see this little performance was running thin after about the 6th time he did it.

More screaming and resisting and he was back in the stroller. The next stop was Myer (major Aussie department store) to buy some summer sandles for Noo. This is when something burst in my head and my anxiety levels rose to heights they haven't been for a long time. I found some sandles I liked and wanted Noo to try on. I managed to get Noo out of the stroller again and whipped off the trainers he was wearing and put on one sandle before he wriggled out of my arms and starting bolting/hobbling with one shoe on up the entire length of the floor before I could catch him. Man, that kid is fast! And I'm really slow. It was comedy gold for anyone watching on but for me, trying to catch a toddler as they run around racks of clothes where I can see him one minute and then he's gone the next, it was scary.

I managed to get him back to the shoe section and put the other sandle on and then off he went again. Up and down that bloody floor with me chasing after him. Insane! Finally I caught him and got him back in the stroller. With my heart racing I paid for the shoes and left. Unfortunately my heart didn't stop racing all afternoon. I felt terrible after that. On the verge of a full on panic attack. First time in yonks that has happened.

Finally Noo went to sleep and mum and I went to a cafe for lunch. We both ordered a smoke salmon salad which was nice but I only managed about a quarter of it and didn't dare try any of the sourdough that came with it. I was still feeling shocking at the cafe but started to unwind a bit as we sat there quietly talking while Noo slept on in his stroller.

It wasn't long though before the apple of my eye was awake again and wanting to get a move on. We left the cafe and started heading for home. Walking via Office Works I picked up a new keyboard for $14.95. Can you believe how cheap IT equipment has become over the years? $14.95! I also got half a terrabyte of memory in an external hard drive for $98 bucks! Bargain. I remember just about four years ago my flatmate in London bought half a terrabyte for about 300 quid and we thought that was such a massive amount of space for an external drive for a reasonable price. It amazes me everyday the rate at which technology evolves and my head spins trying to keep up with it.

By 3pm we were home but Noo's frantic mood continued. He teared around the apartment for most of the afternoon, deliberately doing things he knows he's not suppose to do, like climbing up on the dining table. He refused any real dinner opting for a bottle instead. When it came to bedtime our usual routine of story and me singing to him until he falls asleep had no chance of happening. Instead he screamed and shouted and cried until I let him out of the room and he went running to his Nan for cuddles as if I was the enemy. This has never happened before. Of course I don't take it personally but its hard all the same. He seemed so tormented all day. I was tormented! My mum though, she was cool as a cucumber. God, that's a whole other post, about what a legend my mum is.

These kind of days are the most challenging for the addict in me. I want something to instantly soothe me. To take it all away, that feeling of edginess, of doom. I used to use wine, or pot, or shopping, or food for that short term release from anxiety and today is really the first day since I've been banded that I've been challenged to accept the anxiety and sit with it and ride it out.

And I have survived. I'm kind of dreading going to bed, just to wake up in the morning to do it all over again, but that's my life. That's life with a child! What I'd do for a sleep in! But of course I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

Good night everyone.

V.