I like to do life on "Vanessa time" but some might say the way I negotiate time is "something difficult about my lot in life". Vanessa time is a little slower than the conventional understanding of time. Vanessa time exists to help me deal with my ever present anxiety. I don't like to be rushed. I hate deadlines. Often when I am forced to do things within the usual constraints of time I freak out and get nothing done at all. Seriously, life is better here on my wavelength but it can make life difficult when dealing with most people because they are on normal time.
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| Vanessa time |
I can get to appointments on time (mostly) but I try to make them later in the day so I don't have to rush. Trying to get out the door before 9am seriously makes my anxiety levels soar. I'm already dreading Noo going to big school next year because I'm worried about how I'm going to get him fed, dressed in uniform, lunchbox packed and on school grounds by 9am. Five days a week!
The same thing goes for #blogeverdayinmay. Today is the 23rd of May but Vanessa time has me on the 16th. My head is full of so many ideas for blog posts, adventures I want to do with Noo, recipes I want to cook, shows I want to watch, books I want to read... A lot of the time I have a million different things going at the same time but only a few projects actually get completed. Vanessa time makes me slow down and focus one at a time.
Everyone/thing else can wait.
But can they?
I'm really lucky that I don't have to work but the fact is I can't work in the old way I used. Work is full of deadlines and expectations on what time I need to be somewhere and when things need to be done. Vanessa time does not exist in the high flying corporate world that I worked in before The Assault.
For me to be able to do just a fraction of what I want to do I have to forego sleep. I average around six hours a night which is not great considering I'm trying to manage Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Everything I do has to be done slowly and methodically. It has be checked and double checked. I just can't be rushed.
How am I working to overcome this problem? I set myself little goals. Like my blog. Each post is like a little project and I'm so chuffed when a post is ready to be published. I'm writing whenever I can, reading lots of blogs and participating in this community as much as I can. This stuff keeps me busy and I am extraordinarily grateful that I get to do my blog on Vanessa time.
And then there's parenting. Noo is the one living person who can kick me up the butt and get me moving out of Vanessa time. Sometimes it kills me but mostly his youthful enthusiasm for life is contagious. He has my heart pounding with nervous energy when we go on our adventures and so much of the time it's almost too hard to tolerate but I do it. I have to do it.
I spend a lot of time wandering through life thinking that I'm not coping. My anxiety overwhelms me to the point that I burst into tears. But most of the time I am coping. I need to stop and notice those times.
Like right now: Today I didn't cry. Today I actually talked to people I didn't know in a professional environment and I didn't fall apart. Not only did I survive today but I enjoyed it.
Sometimes it is important to forget about time and just savour the moment.
V.
8 comments:
I just have one thing to say - good on you!!!
Vanessa I have GAD too. I find the two mornings I have to get ready and get the kids ready for kindy and then commute 1 1/2 hours to work almost intolerable at the moment. I love this post, I'm thinking of writing something about it too x
It sucks doesn't it. Mornings are the worst! Especially when you're trying to get kids out the door. They think time stands still and everyone will wait for them. I don't know how families get multiple children ready, get them all to school and then get themselves to work without pulling all their hair out. It just baffles me.
I hope you feel better soon. Or at least those two mornings feel more tolerable! V.
Thanks Claudia! Really helped you being there yesterday so thank you. V.
Lots of things I can relate to here! I have three kids and getting them out the door in the morning is awful. I get all strung out about the clock while they wander around doing stuff at a snail's pace. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not REALLY important if we're late to school now and again. I'm very lucky I work from home though, so once the kids are dropped off I can slink back to the safe confines of the study and just BREATHE. Good on you for working so hard on your bite size goals.
I'm actually a lot better when I have deadlines. If I don't I tend to waft about and get nothing done. As I'm not currently working this is a bit of an issue. The company I'm ghost blogging for often gives me post topics to write about but no deadline. I'm then plagued by the notion of a #ToDoList but with no real impetus (other than that nagging feeling in the back of my mind) to 'get it done'!
So very true. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle going back to the work force. I used to thrive on deadlines...these days...not so much, if at all!
I totally agree, I think we get SO caught up with trying to do so much. I remember after No.3 was born - it was a win for me not to cry on any given day! I don't mind deadlines, as a former journo I lived by them, BUT in saying that I hate the deadlines that come with school etc! Em x
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