Sunday, November 20, 2011

Dating sucks

My band is really tight at the moment but I've been hovering between 79 and 81kg for weeks now. This always happens to me. I go through a burst of motivation and enthusiasm to eat well and exercise lose on average 1kg a week and then get bored with cooking and get complacent about exercise then hello plateauville.

My band is so tight it is really anti social. I can eat but very, very slowly or if I stick to really band friendly foods I can eat a little more and a little faster. These include cheese and crackers, popcorn, smoothies, Cruskits, some muesli bars, soups. You bandits out there know what I mean - either really crunchy or really soft/sloppy. When I'm being lazy about eating I tend to live on cheese and crackers and chocolate and popcorn. Not healthy from a calorie point of view and certainly not healthy from a nutritional viewpoint either.

My staple diet

I wrote the other day about my latest dating situation. I've decided I hate dating! I hate the anxiety of it all. The games that are suppose to be played. You know what I mean? Trying to not seem too keen while still expressing some interest. In this day and age where communication is so easy via social media or text message it is easy to fall into the trap of overly regular contact before you know the person well and then when they don't respond at the same pace or with the same enthusiasm it leaves the mind to fill the gaps trying to work out what each message really means or what they really are trying to tell me when they don't respond for 24 hours. Because seriously, we all have our mobile close at hand. For blokes, they are only in their pockets. There must be a message they are trying to tell me by not getting back within a couple of hours.

So my mind has been working overtime since my date on Monday night. Does he like me, does he not? Do I like him? Or do I really think our political differences are uncompromisable (is that even a word)? My complaint with the last relationship was that we fell into a trap of being too comfortable too soon and in too much contact too soon. This current guy and I have a date set for this afternoon so I should be happy, but why do I assume he can't be that interested because he hasn't sent me a tonne of texts everyday since the last date? 

This line of thinking then sends me into a spiral of self doubt and self hate. OMG, I must be so annoying! I must come across so desperate! So old! So needy! It goes on... Why does it have to be like this? Why do I have to be like this? I've never been great with men and relationships. The reason for that could take hours to write about and I'm sure it goes back to the way my mother hated my dad my whole life (except for the last 5-10 years) and how she basically taught my sister and me to either hate men, or fear them, but I don't want to go into that now. I've always believed that I've spent most of my life single, or with dickheads, either because I'm too fat, too needy, too aggressive, too drunk, too headstrong, too unable to play the game...

Noo and I went out and about just the two of us yesterday which is usual for a Saturday. We visited my mum in hospital (she's ok) and then went in search of somewhere to cool off (it was 30+ degrees here in Sydney). The first park we went to has a really great sprinkler system for the kids to run under but was packed, despite the fact that the water feature was broken. We left there and went to a local pool. I'd been resisting the pool because I had a small lump taken off my arm during the week and wasn't suppose to have it submerged in water for too long but the pool we went to has a great kids' wading pool so I didn't have to get wet. Anyway, the reason I'm writing about this is that I hate Saturdays in parks, pools, zoos... any place for kids. Saturday is Dad Day.

I'm pretty sure I've written about this before but I can't be bothered to go hunting out the link. All the places for kids are packed with older, school aged kids as well as the preschoolers and toddlers, and they come with their dads or as a family unit - with both parents. I don't want to sound bitter, because I'm not (I don't think), I made the choice to be a sole parent, but it is on these days that I realise I really would like to share this wonderful experience with someone. As well as share the hard times of raising a child.

In the kids' pool yesterday there was a couple with their little baby who might have been about six months old. Watching them share the delight in their baby's face as he padded and splashed around the shallows of the pool made my heart melt. I love seeing dads with their babies. The hardness of their masculinity disappears as they focus on their baby and as an onlooker you can just feel the love between them. I would love to share that with someone. Because the truth of it is I want more kids! But not alone. It is just too hard. 

The father issue has come up a lot lately because Noo is starting to realise he doesn't have one. He sometimes talks like he does and sometimes calls my dad - his pa - daddy. I feel really bad about that. Not because I'm not in contact with his biological father because getting that fuckwit out of our lives was the best thing I could have done for Noo but for not having another man in our lives we could both love and he could call dad. Or I wish his real dad was a decent bloke and could be in our lives but that is never ever going to happen.

*big sigh here* 

Anyway, I've written way more than I wanted to. It is a beautiful day here again and I have lots to do. I'll write later about this afternoon's date. He just text so we're all set. 

Now, what am I going to wear?


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Something is missing

It's Wednesday afternoon; I'm tired, cranky and just a teensy bit anxious. I need a whinge so I might as well do it here.

Noo is home on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and these past two days have been those kinds of days that I just wish would be over and done with so it was time to drop him off at daycare again. He can be so frustrating at times! As he hurtles toward his third birthday it gets more and more frustrating when he doesn't listen to me and take instruction. For example when I'm yelling at him across the shopping centre to stop running and come back to me he barely turns around to smile before continuing to run in the other direction. So annoying! I hate being one of those parents that is constantly yelling out their child's name across the park, store, street, wherever!

I need a kid break. I need a long sexy weekend away having adult times with another adult (male of course) without having to think about any responsibilities or any of the other little things that keep me feeling guilty that I should be doing this or doing that. 

I wrote recently that I was cool with being single and that is true, but I really feel I need to take a lover. Take a lover. Wouldn't it be nice if it was as easy as that. I think I heard one of the characters on Downton Abbey the other night say something about 'taking a mistress'.  Turning 37 on Sunday just reminds me how I'm wasting my most sexually potent years being abstinent. It sucks. When I was in my 20s and early 30s I had plenty of sex but mostly it was bad sex. Drunken fumblings with men I barely knew or when I was in a long relationship in my early twenties I was too embarrassed to say what I wanted and how I liked it. And honestly, I don't think I really knew back then anyway. Now, I have the confidence, I know what I like and I've lost 20kgs so I'm READY!

Meeting people for dating is now suppose to be easier than ever. With there being so many dating sites (eg RSVP, eHarmony) and now even iPhone applications (Blendr) in theory it should be really easy to get a date and subsequently some sex. And I tried the old fashioned way a couple of Fridays ago. About four single mates and I went to a very busy bar in the city and it really was amazing the amount of male talent there. There were hot guys everywhere. The only problem was the boys weren't talking to the girls. It seemed typically Australian where all the guys were standing with their groups of mates and all the girls were in groups and everyone was eyeing each other off but no one was taking it further than that. Not until that is, confidence levels rose with blood alcohol levels.

As anybody who has read my blog in the past would know, I don't drink. I haven't done so for about three and a half years. I'm not a wowser and I have no problem with people drinking around me but when guys start getting silly with it, and even less attractive, sleazy with it, I take it as my cue to leave. And that's just what I did on that Friday night.

After one of my friends decided to go back on RSVP for a look, I thought, what the hell, I'll reinstate my profile, update it a bit and see if there's anyone on there worth thinking about. After a bit of searching I was really amazed by the lack of potential, except for one guy. So I sent that guy a 'kiss', the free communication that the site has to allow users to get in first contact with one another. He eventually sent one back saying he'd be happy for me to email him. Now to email someone other than using the pre-worded 'kisses' you have to purchase stamps and they cost a fortune. Its about $50 for 6 stamps that are valid for a month from the purchase date. There weren't 6 people that I wanted to email and anyway, as anyone who regularly reads this blog knows, I'm always skint so there was no way I was going to spend $50 to contact one guy. Plus I'd never had to pay for stamps in the past, so I wasn't going to start now. 

I told my friend about this dilemma and she offered to email this bloke using her account because she had some stamps that were about to expire and she couldn't find anyone worth using them on herself. So away she goes sending an email worded by me which included my email address that I use for people I don't know well yet. He emails me back and finally we have contact out of the RSVP system.

The email the guy sends me comes from his usual address which has his full name. Of course, armed with this information, I go straight to my browser and Google him. I felt so indecent doing it. I felt like a stalker or peeping tom or private detective doing a background check. The information is there, its public, but is it right to go snooping on someone you're planning on meeting on a date before you've even met? This guy is like me, he's all over Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn and has a couple of blogs. So within minutes I had his entire work history, information on the kind of people he follows, what he likes to do in his spare time based on tweets and from other sites his name had been included in. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on which way you look at it) for him he has an unusual name so it was easy to find all this out.

After a few get-to-know-you emails we exchange phone numbers and before long we're on to texting each other little messages about what we're doing and photos of what we're seeing and we set up a date for Monday night. Although I've done the online dating thing for a decade now (god I'm old!) I still find this all kind of strange. Before I've even met the person I'm going out with we already know so much about each other!

I guess in a lot of ways its good. You can weed out the people who would absolutely be no fit straight away. You can decide before you've met whether or not you think you could compromise on this issue or that. And you can find out pretty early on if you have the same core values and if you want the same things (eg kids, which is a biggie). 

But, as I said earlier, I am really just looking for a regular shag with relationship potential maybe, but mostly for unadulterated down and dirty adult fun with some hanging out in between (eg movies, galleries, dinner, etc). There wasn't enough of that in the last relationship. It seemed staged and predictable from the outset. The relationship before that, the one many years before, was at the other end of the spectrum - pure hedonistic trashy sex, drugs and alcohol fueled lust that went on for weeks. Then three years later, Mr nice guy who's so chivalrous and polite that we move from dating to married couple within weeks. What I want now is something in between.

So, could this guy be the one? Not necessarily The One but the one for right now. I hope so. The potential is there so far. We had a great time on Monday night and I definitely felt the sexual chemistry. He lives really nearby which is also an added bonus. We also have a lot in common and a lot to talk about, so who knows... 

Fingers crossed.


Sunday, November 13, 2011


It is my 37th birthday today. I really can't believe it. 37! Sometimes it only feels like yesterday that I was celebrating my 30th and then at other times that period seems like it was actually someone else's life and memories. Today is the second birthday I've celebrated with my band. This year was quite similar to last year but this year rather than being excited about getting out of the 90s and into the 80s and I'm stoked to be finally weighing in the 70s (albeit 79.9kg).

I had a lovely day having lunch with my family at my sister and brother in law's home. Everyone provided a dish and the food looked absolutely divine. Unfortunately for me though I got majorly stuck on the first mouthful of home made scallop and prawn dumpling and that was it for the day. I stupidly tried to keep eating and ending up having to chuck everything up and my band swelled up and that was it. I did manage to get a small amount of cake down though which was some consolation.

Asian style noodles, ribs and greens

37 years young!

That's it for now. I'm on a break from uni for a while so hopefully I'll get my fingers typing at whack out posts more regularly again.

Post ya later!


Saturday, November 12, 2011

Goal 4 finally crossed off the list

So I've finally hit 80kg! I actually got to 79.9 the other day and I can't tell you how fantastic is was to see a 7 as the first number on the scales. I haven't really been dieting though so my weight is now hovering from 79-81kg and all the points in between.

I'm now at the average weight that I've been most my adult life. My band doctors have told me I've lost nearly 80% of my excess body fat and that I've done it 6 months ahead of their schedule. I'm still not happy though. I really want to get to 75kg and maintain that weight. God, I'd love to get to 70kg and maintain that weight! I've been there before and I look hot at 70kg but I've never been able to maintain it for longer than a couple of months.

Sadly, I'm a 12wbt drop out. I recently went to one of the excellent psych group therapy sessions that the OClinic holds once a month. When I mentioned that I'd started 12wbt but couldn't maintain the rate of weight loss or the motivation to do the exercise the psychologist told me it was because 12wbt is just another diet and diets don't work in the long term for a massive proportion of us fatties out there. Michelle would have you believe otherwise and I know she has reached out to and transformed so many people but her method is not maintainable for everyone. The sugar, the fat, the overeating - they are all like drugs. It is an addiction, and I know better than anyone, what addiction is all about. The band puts a physical barrier in place that willpower alone does not have the same power to do. At the OClinic it is only expected that we lose around half to one kilo a month which is pretty much what I'm doing so I'm not going to beat myself up too much.

I've had so many NSVs as well. I'm wearing US size 10 and 12 jeans (vanity sized NYDJ, but who cares!). I can fit into my old Seven For All Mankind jeans and I'm pretty much in size 14 in normal Aussie sizes. I've had so many compliments on my new size and I generally feel much more confident about my body. 

My band is really tight at the moment but I like it that way. I chucked up all my dinner last night but it didn't bother me. I used to fight the stuck feeling and jump around, pounding my fist on my chest hoping to help the food get down through the band. Now I just quietly leave the table and spit it up. Because the food never makes it into my stomach it hasn't mixed with any acid so it's really not that bad throwing it up. And I'm an ever so quiet vomiter! Ha!

On other news my boy is nearly three years old! I cannot believe how he is growing. He is so gorgeous and so funny. Everyday there is another new statement that he comes up with that is so hilarious!

Growing up so fast!

That is all from me today. Hope all is well in blogland.