D O W N town

Warning: This is another depressing blog post with heavy swearing.


I am D O W N. And I hate it. I don't know what the fucking problem is. I'm eating too much, spending too much and not focusing enough on my studies. I hate to say it but I am L O N E L Y. I'm spelling it out rather than saying the word in full. Seems less real. 


My weight is not changing but why should it? I'm eating way too many calories every day and can't seem to get back that motivation I had at the start of this lap-band journey. I'm filled with my old sense of 'poor me I've had a bad day/hour/minute so I deserve that biscuit/ice cream/lolly'.


The weekends are the worst. Most of my friends are busy and my parents are away and basically I just hang out with Noo. I love my son, he is my world, but I need more adult company. I miss my mum staying down with us like she was at the end of last year. Things have changed and she is spending more time away with my dad, which is fair enough, but I miss her. I guess it is up to me to find my own partner now... but is the time right?


I put a ban on dating when I left Noo's father before Noo was even born. I promised myself I would stay out of the dating scene until I got myself together physically and emotionally. That was nearly three years ago! I also wanted to dedicate myself to raising Noo, with the help of my parents, without the distraction of a new man. But how do I know when I'm ready to get out there again? I thought being ready would mean having lost 30kg and being back at work, but those two things are taking much longer than I expected them too. I have started volunteering one day a week, working in an office, so that is one step forward. But my weight? FUCKING HELL! Just look at my blog's banner. I reached my last goal of 90kg on 15 November 2010. That was three months ago! And it is my six month bandiversary in a couple of weeks and I still haven't made it half way. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? Oh my god. I could cry.


I have got so much stuff to read and do for uni that I haven't had time to read other people's blogs. I've also just signed up for another two subjects next study period. Crikey! This always happens. I sign myself up to do lots and end up doing nothing. Well, not exactly nothing, but I feel overwhelmed. All I wanna do is lay on the couch and read novels or watch TV. I have such good TV to catch up on! Big Love, Californication, the last episode of 30 Rock season 5...


Has anyone tried hypnosis? Maybe I need to be hynotised and have someone reprogram me to get back on this diet. I so don't want to be a lap-band failure. I had the barium swallow on Wednesday. God, that was pretty disgusting. The actual taste wasn't so bad but the texture and thickness was vile. It was pretty cool though watching the screen as the xray showed the goo going down my throat and into my tummy. The radiologist said he couldn't see any problems with my band but I have to see my surgeon on Monday to find out for sure. I also have an appointment to see the dietitian. While I'm there I'm going to ask for an appointment with the psychologist. I need my head shrunk over this stalling in my motivation.


Something has to change.


Hope everyone else is doing better than me!


V.