Where's your MY head at?
I feel like I'm asking myself this question all the time.Basement Jaxx's song Where's Your Head At? feels totally apt for how I feel right now, because I have no idea. About my head that is.
Noo and I have managed to survive the weekend on our own without either of us crying. There were times where I could feel the anxiety simmering just beneath the surface but, taking a few deep breaths, and some very low dose Valium, I was able to get through.
We even managed to get through all of this:
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| If I can handle three days of the above surely that means I'm getting better! From top left to right: Elmo's World Tour (thank you Mummy Hearts Money) Shopping centre play area, indoor play centre on a rainy sunday Playing inside all day due to torrential rain on Saturday Cranky face Noo at the supermarket |
As I parked the car I said to Noo: "Well, we've had a pretty good weekend, huh? No screaming or tears from mummy like when we were in Melbourne!"
Noo replied, "you have been good and I have too, Mum".
I asked him why he thought he needed to be especially good. He answered, "because I haven't hit you once all weekend".
What a sweet kid. He was lashing out at me when all this started. It's not a wonder though. How is he meant to understand what has been going on? All he has seen is his mum crying and yelling and not coping. Of course that has got to be frightening for a four year old.
A little later that same evening...
There's a point ever so slightly to the right of my sternum that burns with each inhale and exhale of breath I take. A presence right behind my eyes flutters with an irregularity that bewilders me: Am I anxious? Am I irritated? Am I sad? Am I just tired? Either way, I don't feel good.
Should a person's emotions be this confused?
Everything seemed to being going so well just a few hours ago! Now I feel like I'm slipping again. This instability tires me.
I just want to curl up in bed with my mum and have her stroke my hair and tell me everything will be ok. I feel homesick even though I am at home. That's what I used to call this feeling when I was little. It is that sensation of being lonely when you're not actually alone.
Don't get me wrong, I do still feel better. But now I'm feeling fragile again.
I hate not being able to trust myself, or more so, my emotions.
Oh well, everything has to go back to 'normal' at some stage.
It always does.
V.
5 comments:
What a relief for you if you're slowly mending. You're still in my thoughts every day, and I can only hope today is the first of many more good days for you.
Hey V - I truly understand the anxiety of anxiety's approach - you do have to celebrate the little victories, and I found kids are a real barometer of how you are going, as they just can't cope as easily when we don't - I found at times just getting through the next 10 minutes was a start, so a weekend is awesome! Go girl (and batman) :)
Thanks Erin! I think the new meds are starting to settle in a bit. It is a relief. V.
Thanks Jeanie! You're right, Ned is like a mirror - when I'm cranky he is cranky back. Fingers crossed last weekend was the start of a new phase of stability. V.
A weekend of sole parenting and hitting all those noisy, primary-coloured hotspots in your pics is enough of a challenge for anyone V. I'd say you did remarkably well. And when you feel a little wobbly, try to let yourself be instead of worrying about the worrying. Let it pass and pass over you. You are still moving forward. xxx
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