Need versus want

This blog post has been empty for hours and hours.

I've been trying to decide what to fill this space with...for days.

I need to tell you that I've had a week that started in possibly the best mood I've been in for years. That is until, after a one hour therapy session, it turned into a four day anxiety attack and ended with Noo spending three days in his pyjamas with one of the worst colds of the season.

A sick Noo in a Slanket (a better kind of Snuggie)

I need to tell you that my Restless Leg Syndrome, which I thought was cured by my recent iron infusion, is back after only four months. I'm so pissed off and disappointed I could cry. I'm so scared of going back to that horrible place I was earlier in the year when I couldn't sleep because of the night time twitching and the anxiety dreams and in the daytime I was exhausted and felt like shit All. The. Time.

I need to tell you that although I had two great weeks on my new ADHD medication, Concerta, the positive effects I was feeling are now starting to wear off. The clear focused thinking, the motivation, determination, alertness, improved short term memory, the ability to speak more articulately, and to be less vague are becoming less and less. It is probably why I am struggling to write at the moment. My new mojo is fading. And there is still another week until I see Shrink again to determine whether or not I need a higher dose.

I want to tell you a completely different story. I've been avoiding writing because I hate just writing about my bloody problems. Surely people get sick of hearing others complain. But then I have to remember that first and foremost I blog for me. Readers are a bonus. A lovely, wonderful bonus.

I want to go back in time and feel the way I felt Monday morning as I was driving west through Sydney to my psychiatrist's office thinking about how good I felt. Back to that drive when I was going through in my head how I was going to tell Shrink how positive and excited and healed I felt.

I want to go to bed now knowing that everything will be ok tomorrow. But I don't know that. And even if I did wake up tomorrow feeling good, how could I trust myself that it would last?

I need and want some positivity right now.

So I'm setting myself a Monday Challenge. I just found this scrap of paper in the top drawer of my desk:

Original list came from The Happiness Institute
That's me in the background. It is a mouse pad with my picture on it
that I gave to my sister when I lived overseas. She recently gave it back to me.

I am going to complete all 15 items on the checklist and I will report back here tomorrow night how I go.

Maybe you'd like to give the checklist a go too?

V.