Wednesday, August 1, 2012

How to cope with anxiety

I have had heaps of anxiety today. It has been one of those days that I have felt like I'm losing the battle. It's weird because I have been on top of things lately. I have been coping with my anxiety, pushing it aside, accepting it. Or have I?

Coping with anxiety? Today it didn't feel like it until I wrote about it.

I'm anxious about not being on the computer enough, not blogging enough, not commenting enough, not working the social networks enough.

I'm anxious that I'm not getting comments on my blog. Am I boring? Too confronting? Not worth reading? Too whingy? Unapproachable? Unremarkable? Unnoticeable in a Web full of amazing voices where I am too small to be heard?

I'm anxious about being on the computer too much, about not playing with Noo enough, not keeping the house tidy enough, not doing enough chores to pull my weight to help my sister.

I'm anxious about eating too much, about Noo not eating enough, about there being too much junk in the house, about really needing to get back on the diet bandwagon that I jumped off six months ago.

I'm anxious about money, about not having enough, about spending too much, about how I am going to get through to the next pay without borrowing more money, again.

I'm anxious about writing, about sharing mine and Noo's stories, about getting my stats up, about this new constant need to write it all down, to photograph life as it happens, about not missing a beat.

In my mind I am writing, writing, writing the start of a post, the middle, the end. A line pops in my head and I think: it is awesome, write it down, don't forget it, share it. Then it is gone because I'm cooking dinner or hanging out the washing or pretending I'm a train choo chooing around the deck chasing Noo.

I'm anxious about who is reading my blog and who is not. I'm anxious because my mum has started asking Yolanda about my blog, whether it is good or not, what I write about and does she think it would be ok if she read it. I don't think I'm ready for my mum to enter this space. Not yet.

I'm anxious that if my mum read my blog she will tell my dad about everything I've written because she tells my dad everything. I'm anxious that they will try to stop me from writing any more or even get me to pull down what I've already written.

I'm anxious because my dad denies any existence of my son's father. He is an atheist but wants to believe that Noo is the result of an immaculate conception. He cannot bear the reality of Noo's origins. We are not allowed to talk about him or even say his name around my dad.

And so I get back to the Dad Question. Part 1 and Part 2 are now my most popular posts next to my benzo addiction story. I know there are some readers looking forward to the next instalment. I am glad of the interest and I will write the story. I've just got to get back into the right headspace to do it.

It all really comes down to one question: Why do I blog if it causes me so much anxiety? But does it? Because actually, now, after typing this out, I feel better.

I recently read a post by Bianca at Bigwords about why she blogs. I loved this post. There are so many reasons why bloggers blog. But I relate to this: "because without it I would feel alone".

Ultimately I blog for me. I blog for release, for comfort, for support, for enjoyment, for therapy. I blog because I have to. The words are there going around and around in my head. Better that I chuck them on here where they won't be alone. Where I won't be alone. And when I'm not alone I feel less anxious.

So that is how I cope with anxiety: By blogging about it.



Diet Schmiet said...

Another great post. I've been the same lately re blogging. Wonder what the point is, why no one reads my posts, wondering if I'm a crap writer or boring. Wondering if I'm being self-indulgent by even continuing. My stats aren't great and I wonder what I'm doing wrong.

I try to remind myself why I started - I like writing - but I like your comment about not being alone. I spend A LOT of time alone. I live alone and most of my friends have partners and families so... understandably they're not overly free to catch up etc. I often go for entire weekends without talking to another sole other than via telephone or social media (or at the Coles checkout!). I don't really mind it, but it occurs to me sometimes that I blog or tweet things just because I don't have anyone to tell, or talk it through with.

I've really enjoyed reading your posts since discovering your blog. I can really relate to some of the things you've been through / are going through; but not others (which I guess is kinda normal). I like that you're honest and I get a real sense of who you are through your writing and that's important for me.


Anonymous said...

Love you
Great post
Do what feels right for you

Mitzi x

Sarah said...

I find most of your posts so deep that I have to go away and think about how to respond best. Then, as with most things we mean to come back to, I forget because I life is crazy and likes to get in the way.

You are so brave for sharing so much of your story with us and hopefully you get something out of the sharing itself. I am sure if you said to your mum that you weren't ready for her to read your blog yet because it is deeply personal and hard to share with people you know in real life, she would understand. Make it clear you just need more time and that when the time comes, you will tell her that you are ready.

Kylez...aka...Mrs.P said...

So many of those same thoughts swirl through my brain every night before I go to bed. It's no wonder I'm borderline insomniac! I'm a new reader, only discovered you today through With Some Grace's facebook page flog and I'm really enjoying your posts so far and looking forward to reading more.

The Babbling Bandit said...

Hey Kylez. Thanks for reading! Insomnia is hard. I hope you get some solid sleep soon.

The Babbling Bandit said...

Hey Sarah. Thanks for your comment. Yes, my posts have become really deep of late. It is strange really because except for the odd day of anxiety I am actually feeling really good at the moment. Maybe it is because I'm writing about old stuff that has haunted me for so long. Writing about it all seems to have allowed me to step back from the story and let it go.

Mum has been good. She doesn't even know how to find the blog she says although she probably could if she tried hard enough. I think I will ask her to wait a little though. I need to have something to myself!

The Babbling Bandit said...

Hey Deb. Finally your comment came through on the page. I had to approve it in Disqus for some reason. Weird.

Thanks again for commenting. I think you are right, we have to blog because we like writing, not to accumulate stats. And also for the company. Since I've got back into blogging and joined the Aussie blogging community I've felt like a whole new world has opened up for me. It is really exciting.

Thanks again. V.

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