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When I reread yesterday's post this morning I was quite upset by it but I pushed the feeling aside, the thinking about Sunday and the risks I took. About the madness and mania that the high dose of Concerta created and that I stupidly, yet desperately, tried to make go away with Xanax.
This morning I pushed the fear of what could have been aside so I could get on with today. Just as on Sunday, I pushed through brain mush to get on with that day.
As a mum, a sole parent, I've got to push through. I can't just say, Noo, I've got to go sleep this shit off, you sort yourself out for the day. There's no dad/husband/partner to ask to take over the load while I wait the damn rollercoaster out. I just try to fake it til I make it. To use a cliché.
When my sister came over this morning I declared myself much better. I had stupidly got on the scales though and was very unhappy about what I saw: 86.6kg. That's basically a 1kg increase every week for the last four weeks. I've only been on the Concerta for about five weeks now... I wonder if there is a link. Most people lose weight on it, but not me. I never get the weight loss side effect from drugs and I never get it from illness.
I was still going over in my head last night's post:
"I probably shouldn't have been driving the car on Sunday but I was fine, we didn't have any accidents but I was a mess. My motor skills were just normal but my heart was beating so fast and I was so paranoid that something really fucking bad was going to happen but I knew it wouldn't because I knew it was just the stupid Concerta but still that physically sick feeling I get with anxiety wouldn't go away."Then when Yo told me this morning how whacked out I looked when Noo and I got to her place on Sunday, I couldn't hide any more. I was fucked up. At the time I felt I was fully under control. I felt I had to be. Push through. Push through. Go through the motions. Keep moving. It will pass. But I was driving a car. With my baby on board. Affected by drugs. There's no other way to look at it.
Fuck.
I think I must have been in denial Monday night. Fear of your disgust. Fear of my own. Never again. I should have... If only I'd...
Anyway.
Shoulda, woulda, coulda. I didn't. It is done.
V.
6 comments:
Aw mate, don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing everything you can to deal with life and the fact that you can see where you go wrong and do well is all a part of it and so much better than just being in constant denial. I hope things get better and that you can find the right doese and things to help rather than hinder. We've all done shit things, re: driving with the munchkin so don't beat yourself up. As you say, what's done is done and there is no point dwelling on the shoulda, coulda, woulda's. You're doing an awesome job, the best job you can, and that's the most important thing.
P.S. I have you an award on my blog coz I think you're awesome!
*gave*
What a few days you have had, but sounds like you are doing a great job at taking care of yourself and Ned.
I have never lost weight as a side effect of any drugs either... even when I am sick I gain weight...
Good luck with the sugar experiment, it is such an evil drug!
Thanks for the comment Tully. I think it is so unfair that I don't get the weight loss side effect. Even when I had an over active thyroid I gained weight! Quitting sugar is actually pretty hard. I'm glad my lap-band is quite loose otherwise I couldn't eat bread which is the only thing that is getting me through.
You're a brave woman darling Sister. It's a cliche but true - all you can do is learn from those moments. Love you xx
I agree, it sounds like you've learnt from Sunday. Hopefully you can move on from here.
It's hard though. I'm a terrible sleeper and avoid medication to help me sleep - though sometimes I'll have a couple of wines. The entire day starts badly when I've slept poorly, so even in my world (with less commitments) I can only imagine how hard it is for you sometimes.
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