Sunday, August 12, 2012

Need versus want

This blog post has been empty for hours and hours.

I've been trying to decide what to fill this space with...for days.

I need to tell you that I've had a week that started in possibly the best mood I've been in for years. That is until, after a one hour therapy session, it turned into a four day anxiety attack and ended with Noo spending three days in his pyjamas with one of the worst colds of the season.

A sick Noo in a Slanket (a better kind of Snuggie)

I need to tell you that my Restless Leg Syndrome, which I thought was cured by my recent iron infusion, is back after only four months. I'm so pissed off and disappointed I could cry. I'm so scared of going back to that horrible place I was earlier in the year when I couldn't sleep because of the night time twitching and the anxiety dreams and in the daytime I was exhausted and felt like shit All. The. Time.

I need to tell you that although I had two great weeks on my new ADHD medication, Concerta, the positive effects I was feeling are now starting to wear off. The clear focused thinking, the motivation, determination, alertness, improved short term memory, the ability to speak more articulately, and to be less vague are becoming less and less. It is probably why I am struggling to write at the moment. My new mojo is fading. And there is still another week until I see Shrink again to determine whether or not I need a higher dose.

I want to tell you a completely different story. I've been avoiding writing because I hate just writing about my bloody problems. Surely people get sick of hearing others complain. But then I have to remember that first and foremost I blog for me. Readers are a bonus. A lovely, wonderful bonus.

I want to go back in time and feel the way I felt Monday morning as I was driving west through Sydney to my psychiatrist's office thinking about how good I felt. Back to that drive when I was going through in my head how I was going to tell Shrink how positive and excited and healed I felt.

I want to go to bed now knowing that everything will be ok tomorrow. But I don't know that. And even if I did wake up tomorrow feeling good, how could I trust myself that it would last?

I need and want some positivity right now.

So I'm setting myself a Monday Challenge. I just found this scrap of paper in the top drawer of my desk:

Original list came from The Happiness Institute
That's me in the background. It is a mouse pad with my picture on it
that I gave to my sister when I lived overseas. She recently gave it back to me.

I am going to complete all 15 items on the checklist and I will report back here tomorrow night how I go.

Maybe you'd like to give the checklist a go too?



Cathy said...

It helps to write so never apologise for describing how you feel. It's real. It's the truth. Hope you accomplish your list and get back on track - you've been doing so well lately!

Debyl1 said...

I love the idea of the list.Thankyou so much for sharing.
Yes this blog is for you and you write what you need to hon.We are here for you through the good and the hard times.
Hope all gets worked out for you.Keep strong.Big hugs.xx

Samantha Matthews said...

I can appriciate how hard it is to write this and I know it is hard to always be complaining in you blog, I do that too, but these blogs are for us first. And the help we get from ours readers is the best support I have ever received. I hope we support you too, and that you start to fell a bit better soon.

Diet Schmiet said...

I love the checklist idea.

I know what you mean when you say you're worried about being overly negative in your posts, as mine have been a bit like that recently and I wonder if I should 'fib' and not admit to how low I am feeling, rather write about other stuff... but like you, I remind myself that my blog is mostly for me - cathartic in the sense of getting stuff 'out' of my head.

Look forward to hearing how the checklist goes!

Yo Yo said...

Some wise and relevant words from the Tricycle Daily Dharma:
"We don’t have to deny that pleasant feelings are pleasurable. But we
must remember that like every other feeling, pleasure is impermanent. Wishing
to keep any person, place, possession, or experience with us forever is
Bhante Gunaratana, “Desire
and Craving”

Nicole McInnes said...

Blogging is at its best when it is honest and open. Share away and I hope you feel happier tomorrow or even now that you have shared how you feel with all of us online. Nx

The Babbling Bandit said...

Hi Nicole, thanks for your comment. The last couple of days were definitely better. I think the list was a big help. V.

The Babbling Bandit said...

Interesting thought, Yo.

The Babbling Bandit said...

It is a good list. I've tried to keep it in mind over the last few days and it has been quite handy to keep unhelpful thinking at bay.

The Babbling Bandit said...

Hey Sam. Yeah, you guys definitely help. That's what I love about the blogging community. I love reading everyone's stories and I love it when people comment on mine. The blogosphere is definitely a great place to be when you're feeling down!

The Babbling Bandit said...

Thank you! The support I get here makes the spilling of my guts worth while. V.

The Babbling Bandit said...

Hey Cathy. Thanks for the comment. I does help to get the feelings down on the screen. The list has definitely been helpful over the last couple of days. V.

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