Friday, July 6, 2012

Finding my voice

I am all alone today. The apartment is so quiet I can only hear the sounds of my fingers against the keyboard and the hum of my computer.

Mum and dad have taken Noo to their home in the Blue Mountains so I can have some 'me time'. I've spent most of that time so far in front of screens - my laptop and the telly - or sleeping.

I guess in an ideal world I would be going on a date with someone new or seeing a boyfriend or even going out with girlfriends. But I am at home, alone and I'm ok with that.

That's what worries me.

When I was a little girl I always knew I wanted to get married and have kids. Having my own family is really the only ambition I've ever had. I remember sitting on the steps of the terrace house I grew up in and saying to my mother "My husband is out there, mum. He's alive, I just haven't met him yet". I was about eight years old at the time.

Here I am, nearly 30 years later, and I'm nowhere near finding this mystery man who is suppose to be my husband. And I don't know if I ever will meet him. I actually cannot fathom ever being in a proper stable relationship with a man who loves me for who I am, whom I can trust with all my heart and who I could possibly create a family with.

I have been on my own (with the exception of a few very brief relationships) for most of my adult life. I used to be so desperate for a boyfriend, so desperate to be loved and to have someone to share my life with but now, I don't know, I feel like I've given up.

I'm 37 and I've given up on any hope of love.

Kinda makes me want to cry when I see that on the screen.

I have my son. My beautiful little boy, Noo. He is the love of my life. But he will grow up and will go on and find his own love, be it boy or girl, and I will be happy for him, and I will let him go.

I have my parents, of whom I am so close, but they will die.

And I will truly be alone.

What will I do then?

I will be old and dried up and more unlovable than I am now.

Time is moving so fast! Tick tock goes my biological clock.

But I am damaged. I have baggage. A whole shipping container load full. Nobody wants baggage. But this baggage is what makes me... or does it break me?

I am crying now as I type this. Alone in my room I share with my son who is not here.

I am crying because by typing these words, I am allowing myself to feel them, I am finding my voice and it scares me.

Shrink says I don't feel my pain enough. I laugh it off all the time. I am self deprecating.

From next week I am going back into weekly therapy because I am so scared I will be alone forever.

Shrink says I need to feel things.

Why feel anything when all there is is pain?



KatieP said...

I don't know ... it might sound like a cliché but when you "give up" on love, that's when it happens. It's this strange letting go of expectations that opens the door to new opportunities. You never know what tomorrow will bring ... {hugs}

The Babbling Bandit said...

Thanks Katie. Yes, we never know what tomorrow brings. That is a hopeful thought. V.

Mitz44-RNY said...

My dearest Twitter friend
As I read this I cry as I see comparisons. I empathise but can appreciate your pain is yours not mine.

As you know therapy is a great way of facing our issues head on and I want to wish you all the best with that.

I am sending you good vibes and hugs from across the pond.

You are a wonderful person with family support and you are blessed with a beautiful son.

Dont give up on love.

Speak soon
Mitzi x x

Sharron said...

Found your blog from FYBF. I guess maybe the shrink thinks that if you feel all the pain then you will know how to recognise the good stuff when it comes along. Which it will.

Lyndal said...

I can't imagine the pain that it took to put this on the screen - they are some tough and confronting realisations. All i can do is send you love and hugs x

Grace said...

I think feeling the pain helps you started in the healing. Sometimes we need to come to terms with what's really hurting us before we can move onto the next step of fixing it. But we do all of that in our own time. With what works for us.
Sending you hugs and support. x

20 to go! said...

I have felt the same way. Time running out, but I felt a tang of jealousy when you talked about your little boy. I haven't had children yet and everyone tells me my clock is ticking. I am sure that love will come, but until it is put all your love into you and that little boy. Life is too short!

Cathy said...

:( that made me cry but I think everyone feels that way sometimes - we all have regrets or longings of one type or another. All you can do is trust that things will work out the way they are meant to for you. The person who will love you (and he is out there somewhere) will help you sort through that baggage xxx

The Babbling Bandit said...

Thank you so much for the beautiful comments.

Yesterday I had no idea what to write so I just sat here and stared at the screen and starting typing the first thing that came to my mind.

I was surprised with what came out. And a little relieved. I feel I have something to work with now when I go back to see Shrink next week.

Thanks again.


Deb said...

I can relate to this... still single and 44. Though childless as well (tried to give it a go myself a few times in my 40s though didn't succeed).

Like you, I've just always assumed one day I would find love and like you, I'm still waiting.

So, I've no advice. I'm trying to reconcile myself to a life alone, but it's hard. I just wanted you to know that there are others out there who understand. Take care xxxx


The Babbling Bandit said...

Thanks Deb for your comment. I know I am very lucky to have Ned and I never take a single moment with him for granted.

I have a number of friends like us, either in their forties or late 30s in the same boat. I just don't understand why.

I guess some women have the knack and others don't. Or is it a matter of luck? Being in the right place at the right time?

Thanks again. I really appreciate it.


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