I am definitely a hell of a lot better than I was before going into hospital. The proof is in the fact that I'm not crying every day any more. Sometimes I can feel emotional tears start to well at the back of my eyes but they mostly quickly subside. I've been using mindfulness techniques to ground myself back into the moment rather than letting my mind go off in emotional tangents that just look for evidence of reasons to cry... if that makes any sense. I'm getting better at reigning those emotions in but they are still there.
Noo and I have been keeping super busy. In two and a half weeks we have been to Sydney Tower, Madam Tussauds, Wildlife Sydney, Manly Sea Life Sanctuary, the Powerhouse Museum, Darling Quarter Playground, and the Museum of Contemporary Art. The weather has been gorgeous which helps both my mood and my willingness to go outdoors.
Before I went into hospital I was so anxious about going out with Noo that the thought of it filled me with dread. I felt completely out of control of myself and of him. I wrote about my fear and sadness in late May which I just reread and it made me cry all over again. That post reminds me how lonely sole parenting can be, especially when I'm unwell.
I was so petrified I was going to breakdown in public in front of Noo. I felt so incredibly anxious all the time. I actually didn't realise just how anxious I was and how constant it was. It's like when you've had the radio on for ages and it's just off the station. The static becomes white noise because you've become so used to it. That is until someone moves the dial to the correct frequency and you can't believe the clarity of the sound. That's how I've felt for four months. Constantly off frequency with spurts of static so unbearable that I just want to throw the damn radio out the window.
But now, finally, Noo and I are back to being a partnership. Well, a partnership where one partner is more senior than the other, but a team of two nonetheless. The static is still there but it only comes in and out quietly, like my emotional aerial is blowing in the breeze and sometimes goes off station for a moment or two.
There's still a lot of work to do for my wellness and, of course, parenting is a job that never ends. I just have to be as strong and vigilant as I can to ensure I stay on top of my therapy and I keep up with our new routines in order to maintain a healthy, happy home for the both of us.
How are you feeling today?
V.
6 comments:
So glad you're doing better. Getting out and about with Ned must be doing so much good for your confidence. I hope things keep going up and up!
"I've been using mindfulness techniques to ground myself back into the
moment rather than letting my mind go off in emotional tangents that
just look for evidence of reasons to cry..."
And isn't it so much easier to do that when you are on the up rather than when you are on the down?
You are sounding much better - the main thing (for me) is to not beat yourself up when every little thing doesn't go to plan or you can't hit every high note!
Full of admiration for you! I find single parenting hard enough without having to watch my emotional state all the time. Lately I've not been able to shake sickness, and I have worried a lot about how I'd cope if I was living alone (fortunately I have my sister living with me for a while) and having to run around after a fractious 18 month old. I hope I have the strength for it!
Thanks Dorothy. Getting better every day. The healthier I am, the better behaved Ned is so we are both doing well. V.
When I'm not well the thought of using mindfulness doesn't even enter my head! There's no pause between the thought and the feeling. I'm very happy to be able to find that window now so the emotional outbursts are becoming fewer and further in between. V.
Wow good on your for sharing your story. I'm sure there are many others out there who go through this alone. Getting out and exploring is so good for both of you! And the weather has been beautiful in Sydney! :)
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