Friday, September 20, 2013

My brain is driving me crazy... literally

I've been going over and over in my head various topics I want to write about. I don't know about other bloggers but my mind is in a perpetual cycle of blog titles. Like when I'm in the shower I might have some brilliant blog topic going around in my head: as I'm standing under the warm water the first para is written, a witty eye catching title has been formulated. But then I turn off the shower, grab my towel, get on with the day and the thought is gone, laid to rest in the black caverns of my mind along with the bones of other awesome ideas.

The general theme of course is me. I don't ever forget that. This is my blog after all. This virtual dumping ground for the ideas that actually make it into coherent sentences in my little corner of the interwebs. Because of that it disappoints me that my posts are so negative these days. But, as I've read a million times around the blogosphere, we must write "our truth" in order to be authentic. My truth is pretty shitty right now and I apologise for that.

This post has been written for about a week. It's been sitting here in draft on an open browser tab. I've been umming and ahhing as to whether I should bother publishing it at all. Who benefits? Me? I don't know. I'm certainly not writing it in the hunt for sympathy. Maybe my motive is just to document this supremely shit emotional and physical state I'm in. I guess I could just copy and paste it into a Word doc and save it on my hard drive should I ever want to be reminded of this time of my life again. Because this too shall pass.

Maybe there's someone else out there that has similar symptoms. Mental illness sucks hard. The doctors don't know how each medication is going to work on each patient. Or which cocktail of medications is the right one. It's a game of pharmacological hit and miss. Quite frankly I'm sick of riding the pharmacoaster!


Source


Ok, so without further ado, here my list of complaints or symptoms which both my GP and psychiatrist think are probably caused by the meds I'm currently on in combination with clinical depression.
  • Headaches that are mainly around the top of my scalp. To touch my scalp is very uncomfortable. To move my hair around sends shooting pain through my scalp and into my head. I feel like I'm wearing a skull cap lined with spikes.
  • Brain buzzes. Last time I had these symptoms I was on a massive dose of the antidepressant Effexor while suffering acute postpartum thyroid disease. My thyroid was processing the antidepressant so fast causing withdrawal like effects. Back then the symptoms eventually stopped once I was taken off the Effexor. I haven't taken an antidepressant for four weeks so why have I got this very unsettling sensation every. single. day? Every time I move my head it feels like a Star Wars light sabre has passed through my brain. I got that analogy from a medical forum from others suffering similar sensations. None of them had received an adequate diagnosis from medical specialists.
  • Dizziness, vertigo, nausea. The brain buzzes make me very dizzy if they happen while I'm walking/standing. It's getting worse every day. I feel like I'm walking on skates almost 100% of the time. When it's bad it's terrifying. I can feel the ground move beneath me in a sideways and up and down motion. It's freaky and completely unnerving.
  • Sensitivity to loud noises. Not ideal when you've got a almost five year old boy!
  • Jumpiness. Feeling on edge all the time. I flinch at loud noises, people touching me unexpectedly, that sort of thing.
  • Anxiety. I've always got that at some level it's just worse right now.
  • Aggression. Outbursts of screaming and crying so fierce I think I might pass out from the pressure it creates in my head. Poor Noo has been the receiver of such bad behaviour from me which makes me feel extremely sad and guilty.
  • Loss of sensory perception. I am not allowed to drive a car at the moment. I had three really close calls in the car over the weekend that scared the crap out of me. I vagued out and almost didn't brake in time before hitting the car stopped at the lights in front of me. My sense of distance feels warped. Things, like cars, seem further away than they really are.
  • I'm still extraordinarily emotional. This is why I went into the hospital six weeks ago. Even with the change of medication I'm still crying at the drop of a hat. Or at watching with pride as my son makes friends so easily at his new big school open day. Or in fear as I watch my 21 month old niece negotiate the steps in her backyard. Hell I bawled when Ben from Big Brother got to re-enter the Big Brother House!
  • My weight has ballooned out and I've gained 10 kg since May. That's 50% of all the weight I lost since having a $9,000 lapband installed in 2010. Let's talk about some of the emotions around this: failure, fear, defectiveness, disgust... 

That's about it, I think. Awesome, hey. My psychiatrist is baffled. I've started seeing a new psychologist that works with people with eating disorders and body image issues. I know I've got to address the deep dislike I have for myself and my body as well as find out what the fuck is wrong with me physically. What I'm feeling can't be a case of the moody blues! My doctors know that.

The next step? It's back to hospital I go where they'll keep juggling the chemical cocktail that is suppose to fix me. I'm waiting for a bed. Monday is the likely admission day. The hospital I go to is quite a nice place, considering. Going there isn't what makes me sad. Leaving my son is. I know that I have to get better so I can be a better parent for him but still it breaks my heart.

There has to be a turnaround soon.

V.





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24 comments:

Me said...

Wow - I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling and what you are going through. And I thought menopause sucked !! Sending heaps of hugs your way and I hope that your time in hospital is able to find you the answers you need.
Love, hugs and positive energy !
Me

Chrissy La Fountain said...

Wow, we were both in the hospital about the same time! Thanks for sharing with such honesty. We need to keep doing the honesty thing.

babblingbandit.me said...

Hey Me. Thanks heaps for the message. V.

Jeanie said...

Oh V. (((((Oh V))))) I am so glad that you are so switched on to all of this and taking notice and doing something positive about it.


I am going through a bit of a down cycle at the moment and know how crap and how much effort that is.


Can I please be a little voice in your head that can remind you of the wonderful I have seen in my short time reading you whenever the negative litanies get too loud? Please?

babblingbandit.me said...

Hey Chrissy. That's it. Every time I think I don't want to expose myself or I don't think anyone really needs to hear me whinge, I think bugger it! There are others out there suffering who just might learn something, or even just feel a little less alone, from what I write. Thanks so much for the comment. V.

babblingbandit.me said...

Thanks Jeanie! You always say the loveliest things.
I hope your mood improves soon too. V.

Penny said...

I think it's fantastic that you are so open to sharing this because there 's probably a lot of people that feel the same way! I can;t image what you are going through but I do hop it gets better!

Janet from Redland City Living said...

Really hope you're feeling better soon. It took ages for my sis to find the "right" combination of medication/treatment for her - made me feel lucky that the first one I tried did it for me!

Rebecca Thompson said...

I know your hell only too well. Tried many things, found many solutions, still trying for normal. I am now on a natural therapies kick and think it may well be the best thing I've done. Have you tried any?
Just in case you think I am a nutter, yes I have tried numerous GP's, specialist, psychologists, psychiatrists, counsellors etc. etc. They all ended up costing me a fortune with no result.

Grace said...

Never apologise for your truth, V. Your raw honesty is why I keep coming back here.
Hope you're feeling better soon. Sounds like an absolute nightmare what you're going through. Sending you big hugs and well wishes. It will turn around soon, love x

26 Years & Counting said...

Best of luck for the hospital admission and support of your doctors in helping you. And on a less serious note, I've been trying to work out the best way of taking notes in the shower, so I'll let you know when I find one!

Annie @ Go Camping Australia said...

I hope that your next stay can sort out of some of these meds issues - how frustrating it must be to be on this rollercoaster. The road to recovery certainly has a lot of potholes and bumps along the way.

Emily @ Have a laugh on me said...

Oh man that's some serious annoying shit going on - but look at you, still trucking along, acknowledging it and looking for answers. I know if I was dealt all that crap I don't know how I'd find the energy to keep going. I think sometimes we are only given what we can cope with. Still sucks for you though. xxxxx

Tara Hart said...

Naww hugs x

Debbish said...

Vanessa, I'm late catching up on my reading so know you're back in hospital now. I hope you can get everything sorted but I love that you're doing the best you possibly can for Ned. He must know how much you love him!

babblingbandit.me said...

Thanks Deb. I'm on day 2 here now and know I'm in the right place to sort all this stuff out. V.

babblingbandit.me said...

It totally sucks! I'm happy to be in hospital now where at least I know I have a team of professionals doing what they can to help work out what's going on. V.

babblingbandit.me said...

There sure are bumps along the way! Ah, but that's life. I will plug on for as long as it takes to get it all sorted. Thanks for stopping by. V.

babblingbandit.me said...

What is it with the shower being a font of brilliant ideas!? What about a whiteboard marker on the tiles?

babblingbandit.me said...

Thanks Grace. The turnaround has to come soon. At least I know I'm doing all I can do help myself to make it happen. V.

babblingbandit.me said...

I'm such a natural therapy sceptic but maybe now that I'm at the end of my rope when it comes to pharmies, it could be the next step. Something has to change, that I know for sure! I'm glad you've found your solution. V.

babblingbandit.me said...

It is a case of hit and miss. Fingers crossed the right combo is coming my way very soon! V.

babblingbandit.me said...

I always feel bad for whining about my shit but then it always feels better to purge it out of my head and onto the screen. If one person relates and feels less alone, that's an awesome bonus. V.

26 Years & Counting said...

I've been wanting to try that idea.

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