I was just going to disappear, figuring no one would notice anyway.
I was going to allow myself some privacy and slip away quietly.
But then I remembered my blog's mission: to help break down the stigma of mental illness. To speak openly and to not hide in shame of the fact that I'm not coping at all.
Tomorrow I'm going back into hospital. Hopefully for just a week to sort out my meds, have a break from the daily routines of life, get away from my screens.
The thought of leaving Noo breaks my heart. My parents are like his parents and I'm sure he'll be ok. My motherly instincts are burning in pain. I feel like I'm neglecting him, losing him, setting him up for sadness in his future...
I'm just so tired of crying. I'm so tired of feeling like my skin is as thin as paper, easily torn with the slightest of triggers. The blackest sludge lives within me and leaks out in streams of tears and negativity. How did it get there? Where did it come from?
There are moments of lightness which confuse me. How could I feel OK one minute and so fucked up the next? How is my brain even capable of such rapid changes?
I don't think I have anything else to say. My tiny stats will plummet, any obligations I have to advertisers, PRs, etc will just have to wait.
I'm putting myself first.
Next time I post it's gonna be a cracker. Happy and full of hope.
I'm doing all I can to make sure that happens.
V.
11 comments:
you do what you need to do for you. thinking of you.
Vanessa, you just need to do what is right for you... I have never been where you are however, I have witnessed where you are, my heart bleeds - all I can say to you is I am sending so many positive thoughts, vibes and whatever you need to heal your way - you will remain in my thoughts - Do Not be hard on yourself we do what we have to when we have to! Take Good Care of yourself, Lynne
you're a tough cookie V. a brave one too xx
Feel better lovely. x
Sending you love. You do what you need to do. I hope that you feel better once the meds are sorted out properly without the outside distractions.
Best of luck, do what you need to do to get yourself feeling better. And know that even if he doesn't understand it now (and perhaps he does, kids are amazing), he will appreciate your efforts when he is older.
Hey darl - thank god for wonderful parents, hey?
You know that your first priority is getting yourself better - then you can be the best at what you are best at, being a fantastic mum and a wonderful blogger.
Bon voyage and keeping a keen eye out for your rebound.
It's very braveof you to take that step to help yourself further. Hope all goes well and looking forward to seeing you on the other side! Will be thinking about you... xo
Hopefully the break will do you good and get everything back on track. I was just in hospital for four days and not having to cook was amazing.
Oh V, my heart is breaking for you. It's so not fair that you have to go through feeling like this. I hope this break is exactly what you need and you get some much needed rest from the black dog and all it brings. Know that I am thinking of you and believe that you have the strength to get through this.
My most recent stint in hospital (for detox and rehab purposes) was 3 years ago, for two weeks. My kids were 6 and nearly 12 at the time, both starting new schools, etc etc. Was a really shit time (not that there's ever a *good* time). It's such a cliche, I know, but the resilience of kids is remarkable. Kids need two things, IMO - to be taken care of, and to know that you're ok (or going to be OK). I agonised over being away for such a long time, and because of why I was away. But I was making it more complicated than it needed to be. The kids saw things much more simply - and still do - and that's what you need to remember. Look after you - that's the best thing you can do for Ned, and that's what he'll remember. xx
PS: Onya :) xx
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