Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Putting the pieces of me back together

Saturday 10 August 2013

So I don't know what to write or even why I should but my fingers are so shaky it just feels like they need to be doing something. How many times can I tidy up my room? I could go for a walk on this beautiful sunny day but my legs aren't shakey, its my hands and my wrists. They need some action. My brain is a little hesitant though. The meds are making it difficult for me to write coherently but I'll do my best anyway.

I've been in hospital for just over a week now. I still feel really weird being here even though I've been here before so the surroundings are not new. My meds are changing all the time which causes all manner of confusion. The first couple of days I was in I just slept. I was admitted on the Friday and weekends are really quiet in psych hospitals. No group therapy just time and lots of it.

The kids were kind enough to pass on their cold to me (sarcasm) so spending the first couple of days sleeping on off without too much disruption didn't bother me at all. I do feel so guilty about what impact my breakdown has on my family. Everyone of us has had to shift around responsibilities in order to make it work for me to be here to sort out why mood has become so erratic. 

Noo has moved in with my sister Yolanda, her husband and little Mala. Yo and Cal's family has grown from three to four over night and Noo is living in a "normal" family unit for the first time. There are rules and routines at Rancho Relaxo and I've heard that Noo is responding really well to the new regime.

Routine reigns here in hospital as well and I really like not having to think about what comes next in the day. There's no one really to pester me about what we are going to do today, when can we do it... all those questions kids ask all the time. I want. I need. Mummy. Mummy. Mummy. Ad nauseum.

Still I've cried a lot in here. The different meds, the different surroundings, sights and sounds all add to the whirley burley going on in my mind. I'm shaky then agitated then bawling my eyes out. Sometimes I feel like I can sleep forever, others I feel like I could run a mile.

I miss my boy so much. The umbilical cord has remained firmly attached for so long that not being with him for such a long time is so difficult yet this break is just what I have needed. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing this not just for myself but for him. I was not being a great mum before I got to this point where I find myself an inpatient for possibly five weeks my doctor has warned (since I wrote this my time has been reduced to two to three weeks. I'm getting better baby!). I worry about what the long term absence has on little Noo. My parents have also gone away for a long time so there have been a lot of changes for a little boy of four and a half to process.

Noo has come to visit a couple of times already but the goodbyes get more painful each time. Today we were both crying on the street, unable to let each other go. How can you explain to a kid that this isn't forever? A day, a week, a month... are such long, long expanses of time for a preschooler.

On the flipside I've got my own room for the first time in nearly five years. I didn't realise how sharing a little room with my kid (and twice a week my niece as well) was having an impact on me. This room I'm in has an ensuite and a larger space than our room at home. It has a flatscreen TV, plus I have all my iGadgets and laptop with me. I keep tidying it and straightening things up before sitting down in the bed to watch TV or read or snooze. Having my own space is wonderful despite nurses popping their heads in every so often to check I'm ok.

Cluttered room/cluttered mind  -  a single room for 10 days is just what I needed
-  not enjoying the shared situation but it's nearly home time

There's only been one rainy day since I've been here which is great. Nothing better for the mood than a walk on a sunny day. There's a huge community park right by the hospital which is a lovely place to walk around and also has a playing field and kids playground. 

My goal while I'm here is to find my peaceful mind again. I also want to regain those life skills from previous in- and outpatient group therapy programs that I seemed to have forgotten along the way somehow.

I want to learn, and have the confidence to, set goals that are achievable and give me strength. I need to find the capable mother within me that doesn't bawl her eyes out at being asked "can I've a lollipop" for the fiftieth time and then begs her own mother to deal with it; the Vanessa whose heart doesn't start pounding with fear at the thought of a whole day out in public with kids in tow.

I know I'm in here somewhere. It's now just a matter of wading through the facts, thoughts, emotions and chemicals to find the real me again.

Finally, I want to thank those of you who wrote lovely words of support and encouragement on my last post. They really mean a lot to me so thank you.

Here's to the future!


PS: I wrote this a couple of days ago. I'm feeling better with each day that passes now my medication has settled down. Even made that little picture for you! The next couple of days will be more group therapy and more planning my return home. I'm feeling really good about the future again and getting home to my beautiful boy.

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TeganMC said...

I'm glad that your time in hospital is having a positive effect on you. I hope that the time goes quickly for you so that you can see Neddy soon. I know how tedious hospital can be and the days start to run together.

Jeanie said...

Hey there, beautiful V. I don't know exactly where you are at (on so many levels) but I have been in different places in my life and I know that you will get through.

The journey is part of the whole experience. One thing stands so clear - your love for Ned shines through.

Put it into the hands of providence - or whoever your representation of providence is - and it will be okay.

(27 (eek, that is a big number) years ago, I was Madame Zelda Claire Futaire-Extrordinaire, Fortune Teller in all of my classmates Senior yearbooks. I don't know my strike rate, but I fancy my chances.)

babblingbandit.me said...

Hey Tegan. Thanks, it has actually been ok because I've met some really nice people and the staff have been so friendly and helpful. I'm looking forward to going home but very grateful for this break. V.

babblingbandit.me said...

Hello Jeanie. Thank you for your kind words. I have real hope for the future again. Getting through to the other side is such a relief. I must be careful though and not be too over zealous as to not take on too much when I get home and ease back into the swing of things slowly but surely. Hope you are well. V.

Jen said...

Life is tough ey? Take a day at a time and know that you have people who care (those you've met and those you haven't). Hugs.

Susannah said...

Good on you for writing this post! and for getting out, going for walks, tidying your room etc. Youre doing soooooooooo well!!!!!!!! XOxoxoo Sending you love.

Emily Morgan said...

Good on you for taking care of yourself. I really am glad you are getting a chance for some alone time and focus on you time.

Kylie Purtell said...

Oh V, my heart was breaking reading about your goodbye's with Ned, I can't imagine how hard that must be. But you are right, this isn't just important for you, it's important for him and he will thank you one day in the future for making sure that you are ok.

I am sending you the biggest of hugs through cyberspace right now, if only you could actually feel them! I know you can get through this, you've done it before and you can definitely do it again and we are all cheering you on!

Kelly HTandT said...

Ouch... Hugs to you, V. Glad to hear you're on the mend. Wishing you a speedy recovery xxx

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