If you read my blog or follow me on Facebook or Twitter you'll know I've been having a rough time with my mental health lately. There's a chemical imbalance going on in that head of mine somewhere but there are a number of triggers that can set me off. One of them has become blogging.
I love writing my blog but I've all of a sudden become a bit paranoid about how much of my life I've published on here. I'm also nervous about being involved in sponsored posts, not publishing frequently enough, and not commenting enough on other blogs.
I worry what readers might think of me, how they judge me or the content that I write. This sort of stuff has never worried me before. Every word I have written has been honest and published with good intentions.
Even as I write this post my typing, which is usually awesome (if I do say so myself - 16 years of secretarial work will do that), is failing. I feel like I'm stuttering with my fingers while I try to identify my fears and articulate them into words.
I have never hidden the fact that I've got a blog and I've used my real name on this blog since Google Authorship began and when readers started complimenting me on my writing. I felt proud and wanted to take open credit for it. Now, oddly, I don't even believe it. The credit that is. The mind plays dirty tricks!
When I was recently named a finalist in the Bupa Health Influencer Blog Awards I didn't believe it. How could my little blog make the cut of 30 finalists out of over 600 entries? I checked and double checked the email I was sent and the Bupa website but true enough, there was my little blog's name: babblingbandit.me.
The brilliant blogger Carly Findlay won my category of "Positive Life Change" and I was honoured to be named alongside her. But still I feel this nagging sense of inferiority and paranoia that my blog is not worth it.
Anyway, I've confessed it now. I'm hoping the feeling is just an illusion; a trick played by my warped brain and that I'll get my blogging confidence back again soon.
Have you got anything to confess?
V.
PS I can barely keep my eyes open as I finish this post off so if there are any glaring errors I've missed forgive me! These meds I'm on make me so sleepy at night!
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| Linking up at My Home Truths |
23 comments:
I'm not gonna say not to feel any of those things because that is just silly, we can't help the anxious thoughts and feelings that creep in to our brains. I've had the same blogging anxiety before, and I still do from time to time. Just know that I think your wonderful and totally deserving of the award nomination and everything else. Just do what feels right, take a break if you need to and know that I (and the others who love reading your words) will still be here when you get back!
I'm struggling with anxiety at the moment too - it really can be debilitating and affect everything that you do. My blogging has actually helped me out as my anxiety is more driven by my work and home responsibilities and I find writing has been a release. But I can't deny that I have had times when I've second-guessed everything about myself and my blog. I hope you feel more yourself soon and can reclaim your confidence. You are a great writer and totally deserved the Bupa nomination - you should totally be proud and pat yourself on the back for that one!
Ducking over from the confessional link up. I think the anxiety comes & goes...when it comes to blogging. What you have to say though, needs to be heard.
I struggle with the exact same things with my blog! I often question if I have over-shared, but its in my nature to be brutally honest (when it comes to myself anyway). I want my blog to be an accurate record of my life, so there's no point in sugar coating some things just to make it more readable. It doesn't mean its less scary after I publish posts though. I usually spend up to an hour reading my post over and over and editing before I publish only to keep rereading them and second guessing myself once I have published them. I think the posts about mental illness should be published as people don't really talk about it openly enough. Its good to get it out there.
I really hope that most people respect honesty in writing and don't use it against the writer to judge them. I admire you so much for speaking your mind and your truth - I think you are very very brave and an excellent storyteller and writer. I'm reading a book at the moment I am enjoying about vulnerability, about how we need to be vulnerable to have true connections in life. It is called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown and I think you might find it helpful. I definitely think you are in the arena, 'daring greatly' every day. (That'll make sense if you read it, but it's a good thing :) ) xxx
It's okay to feel that anxiety and still blog about it. I occasionally feel anxious but more so around how much of myself I put out there. I always worry that some day it will come back and bite me in the butt. I do enjoy your posts and the way you write. And no, I'm not saying that to alleviate your anxiety in any way! :) There are always going to be people unfortunately who will judge us negatively for what we bloggers write but at the same time there will be people who will like it. Hope you can acknowledge the anxiety and continue to blog... Take care!
It is so easy to get caught up in the politics of blogging and at the moment that is definitely playing a larger role than I would like to admit in my anxiety. We need to take care of ourselves first and foremost. When something that has helped keep the demons away for son long, starts to contribute then we need to take a step back and reassess where we want to be. Is the good enough to put up with the bad? For me yes. While the politics shits me to tears, I also know that there are plenty of awesome people out there who enjoy my blog and I write for them just as much as I write for myself.
You deserve to be in that finalist category, your writing is good, your message is amazing and even though you keep coming up against hurtles you still keep fighting. If that isn't Positive Life Change then I don't know what is!
Currently I am definitely in the throes of anxieties from all directions and am not dealing very well at all - a lot of it is work related and because of the work that I am doing I cannot blog it - but I cannot blog at all at the moment - my anxiety is leaving a lot in the draft pile...
I love your writing and you say so well what I wish I had words for.
Hello
You are so worthy, so good enough. Telling your story here is courageous and it helps others become confident in seeking help and telling their own stories. Be proud, keep blogging. And thanks for the mention :) So happy we were in the same category cx
Ps - I don't know if it will make a difference, but don't worry what others think. Just blog for yourself.
Thanks Kylez. When I went to bed that night after I posted this I worried that it may appear as an appeal for praise. Really it just feels sometimes that there are so many rules to blogging. Of course there is a way to be courteous online but I get so overwhelmed by some of the expectations. I've got to stop reading GOMI! Not that they've even talked about me but still the poison on there makes me shiver. The thought of being someone's 'hate read'....just terrible. V.
I'm sorry you've been experiencing anxiety too Kirsty. Blogging has always been a release for me as well but now, as more people read, especially those I know IRL, it has started to freak me out a bit. I'm sure I'll get over it soon though as my mood improves. Thanks for stopping by. V.
So many of us bloggers really expose our inner thoughts so it is not a wonder that many do go through moments of doubt. Thanks for stopping by. V.
I am so with you! I read over and over again and edit obsessively. Honestly though, I love that part of it! Making sure the words fit together and there's a start, middle and end to every piece. I think by definition I'm a 'slow blogger' and would rather get 2 good posts out a week than 5-7 not so great posts out for the stats. As soon as I accept that, the better!
And talking about mental health and helping remove the stigma against it is one of my missions so I'll never stop talking about that. The stories I worry about most are those to do with my boy, especially as he gets older. V.
I read the reviews on Amazon and it looks like an great book which I've added to my wish list. I love writing honestly. I can't do it any other way. I guess though, as Ned is going into 'big school' next year I worry about his teachers and friends reading our story. I want to scream it loud and proud that I got out of that hole but Neddy may not feel that way about it. I hope though, that I am raising him to never feel shame about where he came from or about his mother. No one should feel shame for being a victim of crime, a sufferer of mental illness or for whom their parents are, but kids can be cruel and adults can be judgemental.
Anyway, bravely forward I will go. Thanks for your comment and the book recommendation! V.
Thanks Psych Babbler. I will continue to blog through it. I'd be lost without this place! V.
Thanks Tegan. I think that is definitely how I need to look at it - see past the politics and the stats and continue to just write for me and the awesome people that continually come back.
For those of us, like you, who blog through mental health stuff we are doing a service, as well as helping ourselves I think. If my story of getting from drug and alcohol addiction to 5 years of sobriety can help one person believe it is possible then it is worth it. I just have to keep reminding myself that!
V.
Thank you Jeanie. I hope you feel better soon. These things tend to come in waves, don't they? I just can't wait until the next up cycle! V.
Thanks Carly! I think it is a great thing Bupa has started with these awards to recognise health related bloggers. Here's to next year! V
The blogging thing stresses me also. Someone nominated my blog for the Bupa awards but - understandably I wasn't shortlisted or anything. The awards things don't stress me but I see others getting opportunities and wonder if I'm kidding myself thinking that anyone enjoys my blog or my writing and wondering what the hell I'm doing!
I understand the feelings. But remember they are just anxiety talking.
Keep blogging xx
I imagine it's so hard to know what is a legitimate concern and what you are blowing out of proportion. I hope that you take it one blog at a time and don't put too much pressure on yourself - after all, it is supposed to be enjoyable or what is the point (that's my philosophy on most things - if I'm not happy more than I'm not, then I stop doing it). Wishing you well :)
Hi Vanessa,
My name is Luba Ismakov and I work for LivingWithAnxiety.com, which is an online mental health
resource offering information and support. We often look to create partnerships in the online community, to help us end the stigma regarding mental health issues.
I stumbled across your blog the other day and feel that it would be a great match for a partnership! We would love to share your story about your struggle with anxiety on our website. On your end, we would just need you to write up a bit about your experience with anxiety: what instigated it originally, how you began to move forward, and where you feel that you are now. This would also bring traffic to your blog, as we will gladly link to iti at the end of your article.
Your contribution would make a tremendous difference for our site users, as it helps them realize they are not alone in the world. You can reach me at: luba@deepdivemedia.net
Best,
Luba
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