What I have been thinking about and what I want to write about right now is: I want another baby.
Really want one.
When my beautiful niece was born just over a year ago I really thought her arrival would sort of put me off the idea. Or at least quench the cluckiness. If you know what I mean.
Watching Yolanda and her husband suffer through the first year of their baby's life (as most parents usually do) was suppose to turn me off having another kid. But of course it didn't. That gorgeous child just awakened my ovaries making me as clucky as I've ever been.
Except for the worry that Mala's food allergies cause her parents that beautiful little girl is a pretty easy kid. And I didn't just watch from a distance while my sister was on maternity leave settling the baby, feeding her and all the other jobs that come with a new child. I was there helping out. Three days a week for six months and now twice a week I get to spend eight hours a day with her. It is bliss.
I absolutely love being Noo's mum and Mala's aunty but I want more. I want another child of my own. A brother or sister for Noo. He is four and I'm am nearly 40.
It is time.
There's only one thing missing.
A father. Where for art thou man?
I love being a sole parent to Noo but I don't think I can do it again for a second child. I'd really like to meet someone and go about the whole making babies thing the usual way: meet, fall in love, fall pregnant. I don't even care about marriage. A good relationship - yes. But I don't need a ring on my finger or the big wedding.
Like I wrote about last week in my Sober Guide to Dating, I've been 'out there' for the last 18 months. I did the numbers and I've met 10 different blokes in that time. There is currently one still on the 'maybe' list but none of the others have worked out.
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| I have heart and I know how to use it |
On this blog I always avoid talking about other people. I'm sure I sound totally self involved but this is my blog and these are my stories and I feel that it is not my place to discuss other people's lives. But I will mention abstractly that I know I'm not alone in this dating abyss.
I have many girlfriends who are in the same boat: 30s to 40s single and wanting to meet a nice guy to settle down with and have a family. Why the fuck is it so hard? We are awesome! We have so much to give! Where are all the good men in Sydney?
I can't help but constantly go over in my head what my faults are. Why has not a single man (except for one which I didn't care for enough in return) I have met and liked returned the feeling? What am I doing wrong? Do I play the dating game incorrectly? Is it because I am overweight? That I have a child? That I don't drink? Am I overbearing? Unattractive? Not smart enough? Too smart? Too opinionated? Is it because I don't work (even though I have an income)? Do I come across as too needy? Is it because I live part time with my parents? Am I too tall? Is it because I have tattoos?
Over and over again I wonder: What the fuck is wrong with me?
I also have to ask, where are all the good guys? The gentlemen? The men who know how to treat a woman? The confident blokes with interests outside their own careers? The men with good taste in music and an opinion on politics? Why are so many guys I meet on diets? Almost every man on the dating site I am on 'works out at the gym 4-6 times a week' or at least says he does. I don't fucking care! I like a guy who cares about how he dresses and puts a bit of time into his appearance - a metro man - but seriously, dying out the grey in your hair? Women hate that shit.
I could just scream!
I just googled 'IVF for single women' and found this article from the Sydney Morning Herald last year that talks about single women in their 30s turning to sperm donors to have a baby. If I had plenty of money I'd do it. But it is still kinda sad. Why is this becoming so common? Why are my girlfriends single?
Despite my past and my baggage, I know I am a great person. In fact what I have been through in the past has made me who I am today. I am fun, attractive, interesting, intelligent, have great taste in music and I'm a fucking awesome mother. Yeah, I am not a size fucking zero, but is that all that matters? I have substance and heart. I'm kind and I'm generous and I'm a great cook.
I probably shouldn't even post this post. It is a brain dump. No thought has been given to where I wanted this to conclude. I just had to vent.
Should I publish?
Fuck it I will.
V.
14 comments:
Hang in their and stick to what you want. You will meet the right fellow. Don't ever think you are not good enough, because you are. If you think about it there are a bunch of men out there who are also seeking love, and it just can't be that hard, keep telling yourself that, you'll find it's true x
God I met some cretins when I was internet dating. I felt the same as you when I was amongst it but now I realise they were mainly just idiots who weren't good enough for me anyway. I did meet a few good ones but didn't click with them in that way.
I actually got the jackpot - did the first fairly well on my own (no doubt there is a post somewhere in my history explaining that little chapter), internet dated and found someone who is with me for this go round.
I think that the whole "whatever happens, I don't have any fairytales riding on this prospect" attitude may or may not have been the key.
I don't know if there is ONE RIGHT PERSON for everyone in this world - there may be none, there may be many, they may or may not exist right now or when you need them or singly - I don't know.
All I know is that I had hit 37, looked at my daughter and acknowledged that she was my "guaranteed" child and that if Mr Right did find his way into my living room, he would have to take the package deal and the longer it took him, the harder he may have to negotiate for the plus one...
Thank you. My Shrink says that a huge amount of his clients are lonely people looking for a relationship. I suggested he should start a dating services. Seems there's a lot of guys and girls out there looking just not able to find each other. Thanks for dropping by!
My standards have definitely lifted since I got sober. I'm sure if I'd been on this mission 5 plus years ago I would have taken the first guy who gave me any attention but now I have both Ned and me to think of I have to be a bit more picky. And the thing is I will survive if I don't meet someone. I have Ned and I will be happy but I guess I want more. Always more...
Oh yes, so very very true. Some of my closest friends only finally paired up in their 40s and are now starting IVF. (And I'm still single!)
I mostly blame my weight, but know that I haven't felt 'ready' which is kinda weird given I'm now 45!
I agree with you and I don't necessarily think there is the 'right one' or the perfect one either. Compromises will always have to be made in a relationship. I threw fairy tales out the window a long time ago.
I also know I will be happy if Ned is my only child but right now I just can't believe that he is it for me. I have to believe that there is someone out there for me.
Thanks for stopping by again!
Oh V. *wipes tear from eye* That sucks. That really sucks. Where on earth are all of the good men? And why is it always the best girls who can't find them? Good luck hun x
I mostly blame my weight too and that I don't have a traditional job. And maybe my past and mental health issues. Crikey. I blame everything.
I hear you V...I find myself questioning this too...I've dated 3 guys in the past 6 months and really liked one. But it kinda went nowhere. And I find myself wondering what the hell is wrong with me! I'm at a different stage compared to you and not looking at having kids (at the moment at least) but would like having someone to share my life with...Been on the internet dating scene but thinking I might actually take a break from it once my subscription expires. Not sure what I'm doing wrong... :| On the plus side, I'm getting blog fodder though! :P
I'm taking a break from it too. Too much hard work for nix!
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