Sunday, November 20, 2011

Dating sucks

My band is really tight at the moment but I've been hovering between 79 and 81kg for weeks now. This always happens to me. I go through a burst of motivation and enthusiasm to eat well and exercise lose on average 1kg a week and then get bored with cooking and get complacent about exercise then hello plateauville.

My band is so tight it is really anti social. I can eat but very, very slowly or if I stick to really band friendly foods I can eat a little more and a little faster. These include cheese and crackers, popcorn, smoothies, Cruskits, some muesli bars, soups. You bandits out there know what I mean - either really crunchy or really soft/sloppy. When I'm being lazy about eating I tend to live on cheese and crackers and chocolate and popcorn. Not healthy from a calorie point of view and certainly not healthy from a nutritional viewpoint either.

My staple diet

I wrote the other day about my latest dating situation. I've decided I hate dating! I hate the anxiety of it all. The games that are suppose to be played. You know what I mean? Trying to not seem too keen while still expressing some interest. In this day and age where communication is so easy via social media or text message it is easy to fall into the trap of overly regular contact before you know the person well and then when they don't respond at the same pace or with the same enthusiasm it leaves the mind to fill the gaps trying to work out what each message really means or what they really are trying to tell me when they don't respond for 24 hours. Because seriously, we all have our mobile close at hand. For blokes, they are only in their pockets. There must be a message they are trying to tell me by not getting back within a couple of hours.

So my mind has been working overtime since my date on Monday night. Does he like me, does he not? Do I like him? Or do I really think our political differences are uncompromisable (is that even a word)? My complaint with the last relationship was that we fell into a trap of being too comfortable too soon and in too much contact too soon. This current guy and I have a date set for this afternoon so I should be happy, but why do I assume he can't be that interested because he hasn't sent me a tonne of texts everyday since the last date? 

This line of thinking then sends me into a spiral of self doubt and self hate. OMG, I must be so annoying! I must come across so desperate! So old! So needy! It goes on... Why does it have to be like this? Why do I have to be like this? I've never been great with men and relationships. The reason for that could take hours to write about and I'm sure it goes back to the way my mother hated my dad my whole life (except for the last 5-10 years) and how she basically taught my sister and me to either hate men, or fear them, but I don't want to go into that now. I've always believed that I've spent most of my life single, or with dickheads, either because I'm too fat, too needy, too aggressive, too drunk, too headstrong, too unable to play the game...

Noo and I went out and about just the two of us yesterday which is usual for a Saturday. We visited my mum in hospital (she's ok) and then went in search of somewhere to cool off (it was 30+ degrees here in Sydney). The first park we went to has a really great sprinkler system for the kids to run under but was packed, despite the fact that the water feature was broken. We left there and went to a local pool. I'd been resisting the pool because I had a small lump taken off my arm during the week and wasn't suppose to have it submerged in water for too long but the pool we went to has a great kids' wading pool so I didn't have to get wet. Anyway, the reason I'm writing about this is that I hate Saturdays in parks, pools, zoos... any place for kids. Saturday is Dad Day.

I'm pretty sure I've written about this before but I can't be bothered to go hunting out the link. All the places for kids are packed with older, school aged kids as well as the preschoolers and toddlers, and they come with their dads or as a family unit - with both parents. I don't want to sound bitter, because I'm not (I don't think), I made the choice to be a sole parent, but it is on these days that I realise I really would like to share this wonderful experience with someone. As well as share the hard times of raising a child.

In the kids' pool yesterday there was a couple with their little baby who might have been about six months old. Watching them share the delight in their baby's face as he padded and splashed around the shallows of the pool made my heart melt. I love seeing dads with their babies. The hardness of their masculinity disappears as they focus on their baby and as an onlooker you can just feel the love between them. I would love to share that with someone. Because the truth of it is I want more kids! But not alone. It is just too hard. 

The father issue has come up a lot lately because Noo is starting to realise he doesn't have one. He sometimes talks like he does and sometimes calls my dad - his pa - daddy. I feel really bad about that. Not because I'm not in contact with his biological father because getting that fuckwit out of our lives was the best thing I could have done for Noo but for not having another man in our lives we could both love and he could call dad. Or I wish his real dad was a decent bloke and could be in our lives but that is never ever going to happen.

*big sigh here* 

Anyway, I've written way more than I wanted to. It is a beautiful day here again and I have lots to do. I'll write later about this afternoon's date. He just text so we're all set. 

Now, what am I going to wear?


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Something is missing

It's Wednesday afternoon; I'm tired, cranky and just a teensy bit anxious. I need a whinge so I might as well do it here.

Noo is home on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and these past two days have been those kinds of days that I just wish would be over and done with so it was time to drop him off at daycare again. He can be so frustrating at times! As he hurtles toward his third birthday it gets more and more frustrating when he doesn't listen to me and take instruction. For example when I'm yelling at him across the shopping centre to stop running and come back to me he barely turns around to smile before continuing to run in the other direction. So annoying! I hate being one of those parents that is constantly yelling out their child's name across the park, store, street, wherever!

I need a kid break. I need a long sexy weekend away having adult times with another adult (male of course) without having to think about any responsibilities or any of the other little things that keep me feeling guilty that I should be doing this or doing that. 

I wrote recently that I was cool with being single and that is true, but I really feel I need to take a lover. Take a lover. Wouldn't it be nice if it was as easy as that. I think I heard one of the characters on Downton Abbey the other night say something about 'taking a mistress'.  Turning 37 on Sunday just reminds me how I'm wasting my most sexually potent years being abstinent. It sucks. When I was in my 20s and early 30s I had plenty of sex but mostly it was bad sex. Drunken fumblings with men I barely knew or when I was in a long relationship in my early twenties I was too embarrassed to say what I wanted and how I liked it. And honestly, I don't think I really knew back then anyway. Now, I have the confidence, I know what I like and I've lost 20kgs so I'm READY!

Meeting people for dating is now suppose to be easier than ever. With there being so many dating sites (eg RSVP, eHarmony) and now even iPhone applications (Blendr) in theory it should be really easy to get a date and subsequently some sex. And I tried the old fashioned way a couple of Fridays ago. About four single mates and I went to a very busy bar in the city and it really was amazing the amount of male talent there. There were hot guys everywhere. The only problem was the boys weren't talking to the girls. It seemed typically Australian where all the guys were standing with their groups of mates and all the girls were in groups and everyone was eyeing each other off but no one was taking it further than that. Not until that is, confidence levels rose with blood alcohol levels.

As anybody who has read my blog in the past would know, I don't drink. I haven't done so for about three and a half years. I'm not a wowser and I have no problem with people drinking around me but when guys start getting silly with it, and even less attractive, sleazy with it, I take it as my cue to leave. And that's just what I did on that Friday night.

After one of my friends decided to go back on RSVP for a look, I thought, what the hell, I'll reinstate my profile, update it a bit and see if there's anyone on there worth thinking about. After a bit of searching I was really amazed by the lack of potential, except for one guy. So I sent that guy a 'kiss', the free communication that the site has to allow users to get in first contact with one another. He eventually sent one back saying he'd be happy for me to email him. Now to email someone other than using the pre-worded 'kisses' you have to purchase stamps and they cost a fortune. Its about $50 for 6 stamps that are valid for a month from the purchase date. There weren't 6 people that I wanted to email and anyway, as anyone who regularly reads this blog knows, I'm always skint so there was no way I was going to spend $50 to contact one guy. Plus I'd never had to pay for stamps in the past, so I wasn't going to start now. 

I told my friend about this dilemma and she offered to email this bloke using her account because she had some stamps that were about to expire and she couldn't find anyone worth using them on herself. So away she goes sending an email worded by me which included my email address that I use for people I don't know well yet. He emails me back and finally we have contact out of the RSVP system.

The email the guy sends me comes from his usual address which has his full name. Of course, armed with this information, I go straight to my browser and Google him. I felt so indecent doing it. I felt like a stalker or peeping tom or private detective doing a background check. The information is there, its public, but is it right to go snooping on someone you're planning on meeting on a date before you've even met? This guy is like me, he's all over Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn and has a couple of blogs. So within minutes I had his entire work history, information on the kind of people he follows, what he likes to do in his spare time based on tweets and from other sites his name had been included in. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on which way you look at it) for him he has an unusual name so it was easy to find all this out.

After a few get-to-know-you emails we exchange phone numbers and before long we're on to texting each other little messages about what we're doing and photos of what we're seeing and we set up a date for Monday night. Although I've done the online dating thing for a decade now (god I'm old!) I still find this all kind of strange. Before I've even met the person I'm going out with we already know so much about each other!

I guess in a lot of ways its good. You can weed out the people who would absolutely be no fit straight away. You can decide before you've met whether or not you think you could compromise on this issue or that. And you can find out pretty early on if you have the same core values and if you want the same things (eg kids, which is a biggie). 

But, as I said earlier, I am really just looking for a regular shag with relationship potential maybe, but mostly for unadulterated down and dirty adult fun with some hanging out in between (eg movies, galleries, dinner, etc). There wasn't enough of that in the last relationship. It seemed staged and predictable from the outset. The relationship before that, the one many years before, was at the other end of the spectrum - pure hedonistic trashy sex, drugs and alcohol fueled lust that went on for weeks. Then three years later, Mr nice guy who's so chivalrous and polite that we move from dating to married couple within weeks. What I want now is something in between.

So, could this guy be the one? Not necessarily The One but the one for right now. I hope so. The potential is there so far. We had a great time on Monday night and I definitely felt the sexual chemistry. He lives really nearby which is also an added bonus. We also have a lot in common and a lot to talk about, so who knows... 

Fingers crossed.


Sunday, November 13, 2011


It is my 37th birthday today. I really can't believe it. 37! Sometimes it only feels like yesterday that I was celebrating my 30th and then at other times that period seems like it was actually someone else's life and memories. Today is the second birthday I've celebrated with my band. This year was quite similar to last year but this year rather than being excited about getting out of the 90s and into the 80s and I'm stoked to be finally weighing in the 70s (albeit 79.9kg).

I had a lovely day having lunch with my family at my sister and brother in law's home. Everyone provided a dish and the food looked absolutely divine. Unfortunately for me though I got majorly stuck on the first mouthful of home made scallop and prawn dumpling and that was it for the day. I stupidly tried to keep eating and ending up having to chuck everything up and my band swelled up and that was it. I did manage to get a small amount of cake down though which was some consolation.

Asian style noodles, ribs and greens

37 years young!

That's it for now. I'm on a break from uni for a while so hopefully I'll get my fingers typing at whack out posts more regularly again.

Post ya later!


Saturday, November 12, 2011

Goal 4 finally crossed off the list

So I've finally hit 80kg! I actually got to 79.9 the other day and I can't tell you how fantastic is was to see a 7 as the first number on the scales. I haven't really been dieting though so my weight is now hovering from 79-81kg and all the points in between.

I'm now at the average weight that I've been most my adult life. My band doctors have told me I've lost nearly 80% of my excess body fat and that I've done it 6 months ahead of their schedule. I'm still not happy though. I really want to get to 75kg and maintain that weight. God, I'd love to get to 70kg and maintain that weight! I've been there before and I look hot at 70kg but I've never been able to maintain it for longer than a couple of months.

Sadly, I'm a 12wbt drop out. I recently went to one of the excellent psych group therapy sessions that the OClinic holds once a month. When I mentioned that I'd started 12wbt but couldn't maintain the rate of weight loss or the motivation to do the exercise the psychologist told me it was because 12wbt is just another diet and diets don't work in the long term for a massive proportion of us fatties out there. Michelle would have you believe otherwise and I know she has reached out to and transformed so many people but her method is not maintainable for everyone. The sugar, the fat, the overeating - they are all like drugs. It is an addiction, and I know better than anyone, what addiction is all about. The band puts a physical barrier in place that willpower alone does not have the same power to do. At the OClinic it is only expected that we lose around half to one kilo a month which is pretty much what I'm doing so I'm not going to beat myself up too much.

I've had so many NSVs as well. I'm wearing US size 10 and 12 jeans (vanity sized NYDJ, but who cares!). I can fit into my old Seven For All Mankind jeans and I'm pretty much in size 14 in normal Aussie sizes. I've had so many compliments on my new size and I generally feel much more confident about my body. 

My band is really tight at the moment but I like it that way. I chucked up all my dinner last night but it didn't bother me. I used to fight the stuck feeling and jump around, pounding my fist on my chest hoping to help the food get down through the band. Now I just quietly leave the table and spit it up. Because the food never makes it into my stomach it hasn't mixed with any acid so it's really not that bad throwing it up. And I'm an ever so quiet vomiter! Ha!

On other news my boy is nearly three years old! I cannot believe how he is growing. He is so gorgeous and so funny. Everyday there is another new statement that he comes up with that is so hilarious!

Growing up so fast!

That is all from me today. Hope all is well in blogland.


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

It's been a while...

So much has happened since April that I don't even know where to begin!

Last time I wrote I'd just started a new relationship after three years of singledom. Everything was lovely and went really well until about three or four months in I realised he wasn't the one. He was so lovely but I wasn't in love with him. I've been single again about three months and I am really enjoying it. I guess the experience made me appreciate more what I already have. And I don't need a relationship in order to feel validated. It also made me realise that I need to be really ready for it. For their sake and mine. I think it is really important that I am ok about who I am before I go sharing myself with others. I'm nearly there, just not quite yet.

After the break up I decided that I needed to get back on the self improvement journey. Especially because while in the relationship I gained 3.4kg (7.5lb). I pretty much spent the most of this year eating what I wanted whenever I wanted, although in smaller portions. I have since then got back on the diet bandwagon at joined the Michelle Bridge's 12 Week Body Transformation. The program is amazing... if you stick to it!

Last week I got down to my lowest weight in over four years - 80.9kg (178lb), down from the 86.7kg I had got back up to by the end of August this year. I lost 5.8kg in six weeks. How good is that! The weight was dropping off me! In August when I realised I'd gained so much I went back to my surgeon and asked for a fill and started working the band again. The motivation Michelle provides was also excellent in keeping me in check.

Unfortunately I started the 12wbt with an ear infection and then my son came down with the same ear/throat infection and then I got I terrible cold. It was awful. One of us would get better then the other would get sick again. I lost stacks of time for uni work and for exercising. Although my eating has been great (up until the last week so) I have only managed two training sessions since the 12wbt program began. Pretty shocking.

Basically, without boring you with the details, I had a huge anxiety attack about 10 days ago and it has been downhill since then. It is just amazing how we try to make ourselves feel better by going back to the old habits like eating chocolate and lazing around watching TV even though we KNOW doing the right thing (ie eating healthily and exercising) is what really makes us feel better after a break down.

So after a bout of anxiety, bad PMT and uni stress I've had a little gain of 0.3kg (just over 1lb) and I've got to get back on track! Hence the blog writing. Sometimes it just helps to see the excuses on the screen.

Next week is week six and the halfway mark of the 12wbt and I've got to get kicking! I'm going to go back and watch Michelle's vids and get remotivated. I am only 1.2kg away from getting another star on my blog banner and 10kg from the ultimate goal - 70kg. 

Hope all is well in blogland.


Monday, April 25, 2011

Finally out of plateauville and into a whole new world all together!

Finally, the weight is moving again. Off that is. Off my bum, my legs, my tum, my face, my boobs... check out the pics below. The photos on the left were taken on the day of my surgery and the ones on the right were taken on the 11th of this month when I got just below 85kg which is half way to goal.

So much has been happening that my mind is in a whirlwind of excitement and emotion. Along with losing weight I've met someone! Can you believe it! Without giving too much away as it is still early days (date 5 I think, but endless hours on the phone and text), I am having the best time. He is lovely and caring and intelligent and funny and loves kids and handsome and thinks I am the bomb! I don't think I've ever been with someone who seems to be into me so completely.

My band is working as it should, I think. I can eat pretty much anything but in small portions. I am grateful for this as I've been going out for dinner more in the last few weeks than I have in years. As long as I'm slow and relaxed and chew a lot I am ok. I think I've had two teeny fills since I last blogged. My band is so sensitive that is all I need. 

As of today's weigh in I am 83.7kg or 184lb. I cannot believe I have only 4kg to go to get in the 70s. I think I might actually cry when I see a seven at the beginning of the double digit number on my scales. It is hard to believe that not that long ago I was so down in the dumps about everything and now my life is all smiles and roses. 

Uni has been very busy which is another thing that has been keeping me from blogging. I've decided to continue with this blog as I don't care who reads this now. This is my life but if there are people from my past who want to know what's going on in it, go for  it. I can't promise to blog as frequently as before as I'm so busy with everything, but will try to keep as up to date as possible. 

Hope all is well in blogland.


Thursday, March 31, 2011

Post promise

Hello all

I'm still trying to decide about the future of my blog but have decided that I'm not going to post until I've got to 85kg, which is the halfway mark of my weight loss journey. I can't believe it has taken me 4 months to get 85.5kg. As soon as I get this pesky 500 grams off, I'll write. Lots has been going on.

Speak soon and thank you for all your lovely messages as usual.

I'll be back.


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The beginning of the end?

I haven't blogged in ages.

There are several reasons for this.

1. I've been flat out finishing off my last unit of uni and starting the next two. I'm happy to report I got two high distinctions for my final assessments which means I got a distinction over all for the unit. Not bad for my first foray into university study.

2. I feel uneasy about certain people reading my blog. I don't know if I am going to be able to write with as much freedom as I did in the past. I regret so much putting a link on my twitter account to this blog which must have been how this person found me. I've deleted it now but the damage is done. I knew writing a blog meant that my words were going out there for anyone to read but that feeling of anonymity, which gave me the freedom to write without worrying about people who knew me reading about my life, has gone. I might even abandon this blog and start another but I won't put a link to it here. I'm undecided.

3. I am still in plateauville with my band and I don't want to keep going on with the same bullshit about not losing weight when I'm not really trying at the moment anyway. I'm not really being bad with food and I haven't gone back to the way I was, so I'm not gaining, but I'm not losing either. I really need a fill and my next appointment is 21 March so maybe I'll get back to losing then.

Generally I've been pretty good. Noo is being his usual wonderful self and we've been getting up to some fun adventures around town. All is good with my family and my studies are going ok too. Basically just going along nicely.

Like everyone else watching from afar, the ongoing Japanese crisis just seems extraordinarily terrible and almost unbelievable because of the enormity of it. My heart goes out to everyone there who is suffering.

So that is it for now. I don't know what I'm going to do going forward. Still thinking about it.

Hope all is well out there in bandit blogland.


Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Let's get positive

Thank you everyone for your comments. This band stuff is so overwhelming sometimes and it is great to know that you guys are there reading. I'm sorry I haven't been over to your blogs for a while. I will get there as soon as my assignments have been handed in.

I suppose I should acknowledge my anonymous reader... I'm pretty sure I know who you are. Thanks for your kind words. I don't know how comfortable I am having my old world collide with my new one, but that is the nature of the internet. I am acutely aware that whatever I post on here is free for all to read and I guess that is part of the appeal, but it also poses as a potentially dangerous risk. I don't think the danger is with my past, but my future is where my fear lies. 

That's all I'm going to say on that.


After weeks of letting this bad feeling build up I finally let it all go yesterday. I had my appointment with the surgeon in the morning and it turns out that my band is in the right place and all is how it is suppose to be, except for my hunger, which he said I have to determine is real hunger or just head hunger. Fuck head hunger! I don't want any hunger. The doc gave me a slight fill, adding just 2/3 of the .1ml that was taken out last time but I wish I could supplement my band with an appetite suppressant that 1. worked; 2. was not addictive; and 3. was legal. All the ones I know of that meet requirement 1. definitely don't comply with requirement 2. or 3. and the ones that do comply with 2. and 3. definitely don't meet requirement 1. Get it?

So, yeah, yesterday I let it all go. On the phone to mum, as usual. Poor love. Burst my eyes out crying "I'm lonely, I'm fat, I'm over it, I'm hungry, I'm tired, I need help." Poor me. I cried for about an hour and then said fuck it to the uni work and made a cup of tea and sat in front of an episode of Big Love with a whole packet of Arnott's Venetian biscuits. I ate 12 biscuits one after the other. First binge in well over six months. About 700 calories worth in half an hour. 

After I felt relieved. It was out of my system. After the show I picked myself off the couch and went and picked up my boy from day care. It always bring a smile to my face to see those gorgeous blue eyes look up at me like I'm the most wonderful person in the world. And to him, I am!

So, positive thinking. Here are some good things things that have happened in recent weeks that I have not focused enough on:

1. My son is the most gorgeous little boy in the world, who loves me no matter what.

2. I got a Distinction for my very first uni assignment and a high Credit for my very first uni essay. Currently a Distinction overall for the subject.

3. I have lost 52% of my excess bodyweight since getting the lap-band on 6 September last year.

4. My BMI has dropped 4.4 points in six months and I am no longer in the obese category.

5. I bought a size 14 top last week in the 'normal' section at Myer. Actually in the 'youth' section. 

6. I started working. Wow. Just one day a week but I'm actually working in an office doing stuff using the skills I've learnt at TAFE and what I'm now learning at uni. But, really, I'm working! After three years off. This is a major breakthrough.

Noo and me playing on the floor Sunday arvo

Back to my assignment now. My next assignment is worth 35% of my overall score and I'm only halfway done and it is due Monday so I've got to get cracking. Will post again once it has been submitted.


Saturday, February 12, 2011

D O W N town

Warning: This is another depressing blog post with heavy swearing.

I am D O W N. And I hate it. I don't know what the fucking problem is. I'm eating too much, spending too much and not focusing enough on my studies. I hate to say it but I am L O N E L Y. I'm spelling it out rather than saying the word in full. Seems less real. 

My weight is not changing but why should it? I'm eating way too many calories every day and can't seem to get back that motivation I had at the start of this lap-band journey. I'm filled with my old sense of 'poor me I've had a bad day/hour/minute so I deserve that biscuit/ice cream/lolly'.

The weekends are the worst. Most of my friends are busy and my parents are away and basically I just hang out with Noo. I love my son, he is my world, but I need more adult company. I miss my mum staying down with us like she was at the end of last year. Things have changed and she is spending more time away with my dad, which is fair enough, but I miss her. I guess it is up to me to find my own partner now... but is the time right?

I put a ban on dating when I left Noo's father before Noo was even born. I promised myself I would stay out of the dating scene until I got myself together physically and emotionally. That was nearly three years ago! I also wanted to dedicate myself to raising Noo, with the help of my parents, without the distraction of a new man. But how do I know when I'm ready to get out there again? I thought being ready would mean having lost 30kg and being back at work, but those two things are taking much longer than I expected them too. I have started volunteering one day a week, working in an office, so that is one step forward. But my weight? FUCKING HELL! Just look at my blog's banner. I reached my last goal of 90kg on 15 November 2010. That was three months ago! And it is my six month bandiversary in a couple of weeks and I still haven't made it half way. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? Oh my god. I could cry.

I have got so much stuff to read and do for uni that I haven't had time to read other people's blogs. I've also just signed up for another two subjects next study period. Crikey! This always happens. I sign myself up to do lots and end up doing nothing. Well, not exactly nothing, but I feel overwhelmed. All I wanna do is lay on the couch and read novels or watch TV. I have such good TV to catch up on! Big Love, Californication, the last episode of 30 Rock season 5...

Has anyone tried hypnosis? Maybe I need to be hynotised and have someone reprogram me to get back on this diet. I so don't want to be a lap-band failure. I had the barium swallow on Wednesday. God, that was pretty disgusting. The actual taste wasn't so bad but the texture and thickness was vile. It was pretty cool though watching the screen as the xray showed the goo going down my throat and into my tummy. The radiologist said he couldn't see any problems with my band but I have to see my surgeon on Monday to find out for sure. I also have an appointment to see the dietitian. While I'm there I'm going to ask for an appointment with the psychologist. I need my head shrunk over this stalling in my motivation.

Something has to change.

Hope everyone else is doing better than me!


Sunday, February 6, 2011


Hello everyone

I haven't written in two weeks and just typing this now is a struggle. I've been really down about my band and haven't wanted to put it into words to be published but I think until I do, this feeling won't go away.

The last time I wrote was before Australia Day when I won a Stylish Blogger Award. That was two weeks ago when I was having trouble getting food down because my band was too tight. In that post I was hoping for a 1kg loss at my next weigh in. Well, when I weighed in on the Monday, after a couple of weeks of getting stuck, I gained! A whole kilo! I couldn't believe it. Having all that restriction and trouble eating and still I gained. I know the week before that I'd been doing that crazy diet of no dairy, no red meat, no carbs, but still. So I rang my surgeon and booked in for an unfill. No use in having all that uncomfortable tightness if it wasn't even helping me lose weight.

I went along to the clinic and my doctor was very nice about it all. He thought it strange though that I was having trouble getting food down, yet I was still hungry all the time. He took out .1ml and ordered a barium swallow, which I'm yet to do. He asked me if I was chewing properly. Was I waiting a full three minutes after the first bite before proceeding with subsequent mouthfuls which are to be taken at 30 seconds intervals? I said he hadn't mentioned the three minute rule for the first bite before, but I would try that in future. 

So since I've had the tiny .1ml of saline taken out, I'm eating much, much more easily. It was such a relief! I still have some restriction, but I'm able to eat a larger range of food and not having that stuck feeling in my chest is so good. I'm hungry a lot though which is not so good. I was hungry before the unfill anyway, so what can I say? I don't know why it is. Maybe the barium swallow will tell us something.

Basically I'm a bit disappointed. I thought having a lap-band would be a lot easier. Not easy, but not this hard. I thought I'd feel satisfied after about 1 to 1.5 cups of food and not need to eat in between meals. I knew I'd have to work at chewing and eating slowly and I'd still have to choose the right foods. I guess what I'm disappointed about is still having that hungry feeling that does me in every time.

I've only lost 1kg (2.2lb) since Christmas. What's not to be disappointed about? That is a crap result. I really thought I'd be down to 80kg, if not in the 70s by now. Urgh! Really disappointed. In myself and the band. I've really been self sabotaging this weekend too. I ate almost a whole packet of chocolate wafer biscuits yesterday. Not in one sitting, but gradually over the day. Noo had two, I ate the rest. Urgh! Plus I've had ice cream every night with a delicious berry crumble my mum made. So good, so bad. Urgh! 

I seriously need to get out of this band-funk. I need to find my motivation again and get off this plateau. I need energy and inspiration and motivation! I need my band to be my friend again and not my enemy.

This is not a great photo of me, but it shows how I feel. 

Tired, down and over it.

That is all for now. I'll try to blog more frequently. I'm so busy with uni that I'm finding it hard to find the motivation to write here as well as write all my stuff for school. 

I hope everyone else is in a better place than me right now.


Sunday, January 23, 2011

And the award goes to... ME!

Woohoo! I just ate a meal without getting stuck after every bite. And it wasn't because I chewed the crap out of my food, I think my restriction has gone down... for this moment anyway. I have been so tight that lunch at my desk, while studying, usually takes about 1.5 hours to eat. I. Kid. You. Not. I feel like I eat constantly because I eat so incredibly slowly which is probably a good thing, yet slightly annoying.

I haven't blogged since Tuesday because I basically haven't had much to report band-wise other than the getting stuck issue, which really isn't an issue, because I think this is just the way it is suppose to be. I've got a ring around the top of my stomach! What did I expect? To be able to gulp down massive amounts at lightning speed? Gees, Louise.

Yet, the lunch/dinner whatever it was I just ate at 5pm, went down fine. This morning I couldn't even get my yogurt and melon down I was so restricted, yet now I just ate two rye crispbread with avo, Hank's Chilli Jam (to die for!) and ham very easily.

Now I made a commitment (apparently *sarcastic tone here*) to eat well and exercise with my Getting Serious diet a couple of weeks ago and of course, I did not stick to it. As I said in my last post, I lasted five days and was rewarded with a 1.9kg loss, which is great and should have been motivation to stick to what seems like a winning formula. But this week I have been pretty good, but not as good (see Hank's Chilli Jam ref above). Tomorrow I am still hoping for a loss. Hoping for 1kg down... at least. I'm just dying to cross off that next weight loss goal on my list. I'm so close!

One problem that still persists is the lack of exercise in my routine (I use that word loosely... I'm not a 'routine' person). I went to the gym once last week and did forty minutes of cardio - 15 minutes on the rower and 25 minutes on the treadmill. I enjoyed it too but I just haven't been able to get there since. That's not to say I haven't been active. Chasing after a two year old boy is certainly not work for the faint hearted.

The gym in my building is not very busy but on Thursday, when I was there for my workout, a bloke came in who was not hot, but OK looking and very fit. That was enough for me to want to get out of there as soon as I could. He was doing a workout with big muscles lifting big weights with grunting and sweating and god... it was enough to intimidate me away from the there. Does anyone else get like this? I wouldn't have minded so much if it was a chick working out with big muscles but a man? Totally embarrassing. And I know this is completely stupid and irrational and he probably didn't even notice fat ol' me sweating away on the treadmill but still, embarrassing.

Argh! Enough of that sweaty man talk, and on to my award. The Outback Bandit over at All That Razzberry has bestowed me with a Stylish Blogger Award. I thank her very much for it.

The rules of accepting this award are: Thank the person who gave you the award, reveal seven things about yourself, and nominate 15 bloggers who you have recently discovered or love. Then leave a comment on their blog letting them know they've been nominated..

Seven things about me. With 26 January this week, I've compiled the list with Australia Day in mind.

1. I'm not fond of the beach. Despite being Aussie, having been raised going to the beach all summer, I find the whole experience quite frustrating and annoying. All that sand, sun and seaweed! Yuck! Give me a council run local pool any day.

2. I'm not a full on Aussie. I was born in New York City, New York, USA. I have duel citizenship and it is actually harder for me to prove being Aussie than it is being an American, despite my true blue Australian accent. There is a spelling mistake in my Australian citizenship papers which I have not been bothered to fix yet so I'm currently not an official Aussie. 

3. I crave Vegemite. If I haven't had some for a while, my body craves it like a drug. I like it on sourdough toast with lots of butter, or on a crispbread with just a scrape of marg, I'm easy, as long as there's heaps on there.

4. When I lived in London I would stock up on Cherry Ripes, Caramello Koalas, Cottees Cordial and, believe it or not, Napisan, whenever I came home for a visit.

5. My all time favourite Aussie band is Powderfinger but I've never seen them live... and won't get to now they've broken up.

6. My favourite Australian novelist is Peter Corris. He writes a series of detective stories which I have been reading since I was about 14. The first one was published in 1980 of which I have a first edition. I met Peter at a book signing in 1996 and he signed all the books I had at that time. There are 35 books all up which are set in and around Sydney. I am currently reading the most recently published Cliff Hardy novel, Torn Apart. Cliff Hardy, the main character, is getting pretty old so as each new novel comes out I get more and more nervous it will be the last. I know Cliff can't got on forever, but I will miss him terribly when he's gone.

7. Australia Day 1988, when we celebrated our Bicentenary, was one of the best and proudest days of my life. I was 13 and my family and I spent the day on my uncle's yacht. We sailed out to the heads to join the Tall Ships as they reenacted the First Fleet coming into Sydney Harbour. My ancestor was a convict on the Scarborough and it felt amazing to be doing what he did (albeit in vastly different circumstances) exactly 200 years later. Breathtaking stuff!

OK, there's seven things about me, to do with being Australian! Now, in keeping with this theme, I nominate the following Aussies for the Stylish Blogger Award:

Bye for now.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

10 day "Getting Serious" diet lasted 5 days

Hey all

It is suppose to be day eight of my ten day Getting Serious diet but I caved at day six with a slice of banana cake. A bit disappointing but the five days worked a treat because I weighed in yesterday down 1.9kg (or 4.2lb). Very happy with that result.

I'm being far less strict this week adding dairy back into my diet but still restricting fat, sugars and carbs. I'm only 1.3kg from my next weight loss goal so with more good eating this week I'll hopefully get there on my next weigh in.

Thanks go to Miss Vickie and The Silver Haired Goddess for their comments on my last post. I was so baffled about getting stuck all the time last week and it wasn't until these two lovely ladies pointed out the obvious that I realised I've got to get back to basics with my band. They reminded me about one of the golden rules - chew, chew, chew! Since then I have been taking it slower, chewing more thoroughly and have had a better time with my eating.

I have pretty good restriction at the moment. I'm definitely not as hungry as I reported over the weekend which I think is because I've been out and about these last two days. When I'm home and studying in front of the computer all I want to do is eat. Preparing food is a subconscious procrastination technique. Like cleaning. I never clean unless there's something else I should be doing that I don't want to do or that seems too hard.

Lunch: Delicious rye crispbread with my homemade guacamole
eaten while studying
I can wear belts!
So with the loss of these last two kilos I've gained the ability to wear a belt! The above picture isn't a great photo but I just thought I'd show you my outfit from Sunday. I love this dress I picked up from Kmart, of all places, a couple of weeks ago for $19. The belt and pink rose earrings are from Sportsgirl. And my shoes are from my favourite shoe shop Camper.

Weight off my shoulders
I got the necklace I'm wearing in the above photo from Glamadonna  for my birthday in 2009. I have never really worn it until now because my neckline and shoulders were just too fat for it and it didn't sit right. Now I think it looks great. So many unexpected positives about losing weight!

Well that is enough from me tonight. Noo and I have had a very busy day at the pool. Here's a gorgeous photo of the kids asking for ice creams at the canteen. Too cute.

From left to right that's Ashie, Noo, Maddie, Ruby and Max
Bye for now.


Saturday, January 15, 2011

Day5/10 of "Getting Serious" diet

Struggling today. Despite the fact that I have pretty good restriction, I'm hungry all the time. I have to eat really consciously and only the friendliest of band foods. I even have trouble having large gulps of water. Its been really strange actually. I am literally thinking about food all day! This definitely isn't how I imagine the band should be working.

As I type this I am sitting down attempting to eat dinner. I made a delicious salad with a lovely fillet of sea bream that has been lightly sautéed in lemon juice, olive oil, garlic and dill. One mouthful in and I'm stuck. I'm typing this as I wait for it to pass through the band, as my fish gets cold, before I can move on to the next bite.

Dinner: Fish, green beans and salad

It is not that bad all the time, but quite frequently. Anybody else experience this? Its driving me crazy. Hunger coupled with blocking up. Maybe I'm not chewing enough? But what's with the hunger all the time? Why isn't my Vegas nerve doing what it is suppose to do by telling my brain I'm full when I'm not really?

I'm loving being more conscious about what I eat, making sure I only eat unprocessed whole foods - lots of vegies and lots of fruit. Heaps of fruit! I love it. But I'm sick of this hunger business. I caved today and had some dairy. So, I couldn't even manage 10 days without some yogurt! God, I was missing it so much. Yogurt is so delicious. Fresh unsweetened plain yogurt with fresh sliced rockmelon and a squeeze of honey. How fucking yummy does that sound? Divine!

I feel like a bit of a failure, but hell, I'm still eating amazingly well. I said yesterday that I wouldn't weigh on Monday but I think I will. I'm going to stay strict with the diet though until the ten days are up but I'm putting dairy back in my diet. Oh, and red meat. Not that I have had any yet but I had a stack of blood tests done during the week and my iron stores are still really low (this has been since having a baby) so my doctor said I should be eating at least three serves of lean red meat a week. 

So, still only eating unprocessed, non-sugary food, and very little complex carbs. There's no way bread, rice or pasta would get through my band at the moment anyway, but I've been eating these delicious rye crackers with avocado and smoked salmon. Yum! To die for. 

I'll finish off today with a few cute pictures I took of Noo today with my iPhone's Hipstamatic app. I've started yet another new blog for uni. This one is much better than my study blog, which I've now abandoned because it is just too boring. The new blog is at tumblr. which has some fab templates. I'm still getting the hang of how it all works but if you want to check it out click here. The theme of the blog is mine and Noo's life through the lens of the Hipstamatic and these are some pics from that:

At the fruit and vegie shop

Checking out the nuts

Waiting in line
Eftpos me baby!
Hope all is well in blogland.


Friday, January 14, 2011

Day 4/10 "Getting Serious" diet

Hey everyone

Going along just nicely here. The hunger headaches have passed and I am almost half way through this ten day kick starter. I've decided I'm not going to weigh myself on Monday as usual but instead wait til the end of the 10 days.

I've been enjoying some delicious food. Here is my diary from yesterday:

7am Black coffee

(can't eat much first thing in the morning so I have brekky later at the moment)
10am 2x rye crisp bread with avocado and smoked salmon
         2x rye crisp bread with tiny scrape olive oil spread and Vegemite

1/2 cup left over ma po tofu pork
1 cup fruit salad

Afternoon tea
Small handful almonds
2x small plums

1 small chicken breast poached in miso and other Japanese sauces
1/2 cup Asian greens
1x small plum

Late evening snack
1/2 small banana

Not a lot of food there! I was starving when I went to bed at midnight last night and so got up to have the banana. Could only manage half as it kept getting stuck. 

The exercise routine has not started yet. One of my best mates is due over soon and we are going for a swim downstairs. It is a lovely day here in Sydney but I still can't stop thinking of all the people affected by the floods in Queensland. Just heartbreaking!


My mate Amber just left. It was absolutely lovely to catch up with her. We had a very refreshing swim and then I made us a delicious lunch of tuna and lentil salad. We also had fresh cut rockmelon, watermelon, peach, strawberries and cherries. I'm so stuffed now! The fruit was so delicious and juicy that I kept popping bits into my mouth without listening for the band to tell me I'd had enough. I was busy chatting away to so wasn't concentrating hard enough. Oh well. 

I've got to go and start another blog for my uni assignment. I started one on WordPress but I don't like it. It is too boring. I want to do a fun project on Blogger. WordPress is too hard!

Typing away - playing with the Hipstamatic on my iPhone

Hope all is well in Blogland.