I'm completely overwhelmed.
There's the...
- natural chemicals in my brain doing crazy shit
- unnatural pharmaceuticals in my brain trying to correct the crazy shit
- the amazing response I got to this post from people I don't know
- the warmth I feel from letting the above people know that some of us city folk haven't forgotten them and that we do appreciate them and all they do for us
- family I love and who continue to support me through this crazy mental health situation I currently find myself in
- travel, the new sights, smells, sounds of being in a different city
- and, last but far from least, there's my little boy who is trying so hard to understand why his mum is a bit more cranky than usual, cries a lot more than she used to and who just isn't as fun as she used to be.
There's about a dozen posts in all that but I'm too tired and my brain is too strange to write a proper story.
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| When in doubt: talk about the weather |
We are having a good time in Melbourne but it is hard. My ability to handle stress has been pretty poor over the last six years but now it is almost non existent. Actually, it comes and goes, but generally I feel overwhelmed.
One minute I'm so annoyed and agitated that I want to scream a big FUCK OFF to the world, the next I'm lying on the couch, covered in a blanket feeling like I'm being sucked into a big hole of never ending blackness. And then there are bits in between the crazy that I feel kinda normal, but the moments are oh so brief.
I'm being treated for a bipolar mixed state episode. I'm up and down at the same time and my psychiatrist is trying to even me out. You know, like a hairdresser running hot irons over corkscrew curls but the kinks keep springing back up.
I just want to go back to my 'normal'. I'm not asking for jubilant joy and unwavering nerves of steel, I just want to be back to my old self that stumbled along through life without the constant fear of bursting into tears or exploding in rage.
I want some control back in my life.
How's your life going?
V.
