Saturday, June 15, 2013


I haven't blogged for a week.

I'm completely overwhelmed.

There's the...

  • natural chemicals in my brain doing crazy shit
  • unnatural pharmaceuticals in my brain trying to correct the crazy shit
  • the amazing response I got to this post from people I don't know
  • the warmth I feel from letting the above people know that some of us city folk haven't forgotten them and that we do appreciate them and all they do for us
  • family I love and who continue to support me through this crazy mental health situation I currently find myself in
  • travel, the new sights, smells, sounds of being in a different city
  • and, last but far from least, there's my little boy who is trying so hard to understand why his mum is a bit more cranky than usual, cries a lot more than she used to and who just isn't as fun as she used to be.

There's about a dozen posts in all that but I'm too tired and my brain is too strange to write a proper story.

When in doubt: talk about the weather

We are having a good time in Melbourne but it is hard. My ability to handle stress has been pretty poor over the last six years but now it is almost non existent. Actually, it comes and goes, but generally I feel overwhelmed

One minute I'm so annoyed and agitated that I want to scream a big FUCK OFF to the world, the next I'm lying on the couch, covered in a blanket feeling like I'm being sucked into a big hole of never ending blackness. And then there are bits in between the crazy that I feel kinda normal, but the moments are oh so brief. 

I'm being treated for a bipolar mixed state episode. I'm up and down at the same time and my psychiatrist is trying to even me out. You know, like a hairdresser running hot irons over corkscrew curls but the kinks keep springing back up. 

I just want to go back to my 'normal'. I'm not asking for jubilant joy and unwavering nerves of steel, I just want to be back to my old self that stumbled along through life without the constant fear of bursting into tears or exploding in rage.

I want some control back in my life.

How's your life going?



erin heels said...

I have every faith you'll get there. It just sucks how much time these things take. And don't feel bad for not blogging right now, my little brother made the mistake of writing a post during a bad episode and ended up blaming my mum publicly for everything that was wrong in his life, He regretted it almost instantly and ended up deleting the post and apologising, but the damage had been done. So we will all forgive you for needing a little me time right now. I wish I could give you more than just words right now, but be assured that you and your son are in my thoughts.

Jeanie said...

I am sitting here uploading photos for my latest post - my second in a month, which is double my current output, so don't apologise for lack of posts, YOU are more important - okay?

And you are aware and you have a great family - these are good steps. It can be crap, I know from my little dips into depression that there are no platitudes I can mouth (or type) that is going to cut through that and make it all better - but consider me on the cheer squad.

mumabulous said...

I hope you find the mix that works for you soon. In the meantime have fun in Melbourne - how could you not with all that wonderful coffee and superior shopping.

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