Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Anxiety, you arsehole

Anxiety, you arsehole, you can go away now. You're not welcome here. You have never been welcome.

Yeah, you! I'm talking to you, Anxiety. You've lodged yourself in my head and on my chest and you're making it hard for me to breathe, to function.

Everything was going along so well and you had to come and crash my party. Again.

Why do you do that to me? Just when everything seems to be going along so well. I had plans, you fucker. I stood up and I declared this was my year and you took one look at me attempting to stand outside my comfort zone and you pushed me to the ground and said "get back in your box, bitch".

You first showed your ugly face again when I attempted to go back to work in an office environment, you know, to challenge myself. To stand up to you. Three days in and you beat me. Kicked me in the guts. Made me cry and stripped me of what self confidence I'd built up over the six months previous.

The very next day I took action against you. Rather than hide under the doona I marched on. I registered the name for the home business I'm setting up. I bought a domain name and paid for a ticket to the Australian VA Conference. I was winning. I thought I was anyway.

And then I hit a brick wall in my endeavours to meet a man. I wrote a post about my yearning for another child and the constant feelings of rejection and disappointment Internet dating had been causing me and that gave you power. The words I let spill out became food for the sleeping Anxiety monster within me. Yeah, I'm talking about you, Anxiety, you arsehole!

I knew you'd been hanging around quite close to the surface but I'd been ignoring you, hoping you'd piss off. You made it impossible for me to come here to write about what had been going on. The words scared me. That was until I wrote this post about nothing over the weekend in an attempt to shrug you off and clear the fog in my head.

I thought I was ok but then I started feeling that tightness I get just before a mini breakdown. I had a shower, letting the warm water rush over me, to cleanse the murkiness in my heart. I'm ok, I tried to convince myself. There's nothing to feel bad about.

Most of the family had gone for a walk and I was alone. I stepped out of the shower, grabbed my towel and clenched it up to my face. My chest was heaving now. The bottled up emotions were trying to escape. You had grown strong while I had exhausted myself in the battle to keep you away.

My breath caught in my throat and I started to cry. I couldn't stop. I fought the tears, gagging on my towel. I didn't want anyone to find me this way because I couldn't explain what was wrong. I just felt bad.

Standing up I looked in the mirror at you and made an internal scream asking for you to fuck off. I brushed my teeth, put my contacts on, went through the motions. I got dressed, packed our bags because it was time to head back to the city, and tried to focus on the doing rather than the thinking.

The family started to return from their walk and when my sister asked me how I was going I lied. "I'm fine", I replied. She's had enough on her plate lately and I didn't want to burden her with your visit to me again.

By the time my sister's family left and Noo was playing happily in the other room I was sitting with my parents contemplating clearing the lunch things when I blurted it out: "I'm not feeling well today!" and burst into tears all over again.

They know me so well. Your visits to me come regularly and they are often the ones to help me exorcise you, if only for a while. Thankfully you don't come nearly as often, or for as long as you used to, but still you tend to arrive in this rude, abrupt and disruptive way about every three to six months.

I was babbling through the tears to my parents trying to explain what I was feeling and why. But I didn't have any real answers, you are just present. As I looked over to these people who I love so much and who love me so much I noticed my dad was welling up too. It broke my heart seeing their pain as they watched mine.

Noo could hear me crying from the next room. He came in asking questions wanting to know if I was ok. Dad and I were wiping away our tears as we all tried to explain to my gorgeous little four year old that I was fine.

"Let's go back to the city, you'll be happy in the city", came Noo's solution to my problem. We had to laugh then.


Back home in the city


Forced to ignore you Anxiety I was able to push on, to get in the car and drive back down the Mountains to the city, our home. Of course you followed me. Sat right next to me in the car the whole way but you were silent as Noo slept on in the back and I focused on the Sunday afternoon traffic.

It has been two days since and I feel a little better but still bruised by the attack.

I just wish you'd leave me alone once and for all.

Anxiety, you arsehole.


V.

Linking up with #teamIBOT at Essentially Jess






19 comments:

carmen@musingnmayhem said...

Time to show anxiety you can live your life hon.
Ask me, I'm living proof.
Remember to get plenty of sleep/rest.
Meditation is awesome.
Get used to being with yourself. You're and awesome person to hang with. The world will soon realise that as soon as you do. ;) xx

always Josefa said...

What an incredible, powerful and moving post. I was hanging on to every word. I do hope anxiety leaves you alone. You words are strong and confident. You deserve to be that strong and confident person, inside and out, all the time. Thank you for sharing your emotional story.
Josefa from #teamIBOT

Rachel @ The Kids Are All Righ said...

Hey Vanessa. As Carmen said, watch your sleep and mindfulness/meditation. Be good to yourself. Happy to catch up anytime you want to vent - been there, done that, still do it occasionally. xxx

Emily @ Have a laugh on me said...

I can't say anxiety is my demon but mine is always with me - something I can't seem to get rid of. Each night I try but I haven no will power, and genetics is against me. Love your blog. Stay strong and be the beacon I see you as - xx Emily

Martine@themodernparent said...

Yes I hope it stays away ...and other comments so true....continue to talk to yourself in a way that leaves A with no mistaking that he is simply not welcome!

Jeanie said...

Anxiety and her little friend depression have been on a holiday up here for a while too - finally getting to see my doctor today to start the long journey back towards "normal" - not fun companions...

Rebecca Thompson said...

Yes, I wish the bastard would just leave me alone too. Isn't it enough that you can't hold down a job, that you walk around in circles A LOT and can't seem to make a decision for shit.
You do sound like you have a supportive family (even though you felt you couldn't load this on your sister). I hope you can continue to rely on them.
Becc @ Take Charge Now

The Babbling Bandit said...

Hey Becc. Yeah, my family is great and very supportive.


Thank you for stopping by. V.

The Babbling Bandit said...

Hey Jeanie. I'm sorry to hear A and D have been visiting you too. But that is good that you are going back to the doctor. I don't know what I'd be like without my meds. I'm committed to them for life. Hope you feel better soon. V.

The Babbling Bandit said...

Thanks Carmen. I actually do like my own company. I just wish I got more alone time than I do at the moment. Getting more sleep is definitely something I need to work on. Because 9.30pm to 1am is the only time I get alone when I'm not sleeping so I do tend to stay up late. Thanks for stopping by.

The Babbling Bandit said...

Hi Josefa. Thank you for your words. It is amazing the power of blogging. I feel so much better today that I got that off my chest and woke to find so many supportive comments here today. Thanks again. V.

The Babbling Bandit said...

Hey Rachel. I do have to get back into a better sleep routine. Would love to catch up. Will definitely see you at DPcon which I'm looking forward to. V.

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

Alas I understand this so well, and you explained it perfectly.

Kick it to the curb my lovely, and then write an ebook on how to do it and make your fortune.

Desire Empire said...

Not nice for you at all. You are so not alone. Family is everything at times like this.
Carolyn

The Babbling Bandit said...

Hey Emily. Thanks for your generous words. V.

The Babbling Bandit said...

Hi Martine. Positive self talk is so important. I need to get back to my positive mantras and not allow myself to get complacent about my mental health. Thanks for reading. V.

The Babbling Bandit said...

An ebook, yes! That would be awesome.

The Babbling Bandit said...

I am lucky to have a great family, especially my awesome little boy. V.

Housewife in Heels said...

Thanks for sharing this post. I struggle with anxiety, which at times is so debilitating- there's a level of anxiety that the general public seem to be accepting of - and there's the crazy anxiety that I occasionally experience which belongs in an institution.... As you said, family is so important for these times. I wish you all the best.

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