Inspirational quotes don't work on me

I've been trying to start this post for weeks! Or maybe days. Inspired, motivated, lazy, forgetful, apathetic - there's lots of doing or not doing words there. After my long and painful breakdown last year I have put all my effort into not doing - to take life as slowly as possible in fear that if I take on too much of life I'll get knocked in the teeth and fall face first back into the abyss of depression.

But where does that find me now, twelve months from when things started to really go downhill last year? It finds me in a big fat rut, that's where.

We are nearly exactly half way through the year. The Winter Solstice has passed and I'm still just flat lining through life, managing my mood on a day to day basis.

One of my current favourite pastimes, and boy does it allow time to stand still yet pass with incredible speed, is Pinterest. Pinterest gives me the sense that I'm getting inspired. Inspired for what? Anything really: fitness, healthy eating, cooking, crafting, parenting, blogging, shopping, inspiration. I've been using Pinterest to inspire me to get inspired but it's not working.

The social web is chock block full of inspirational quotes and life lesson slogans in pretty little infographics typed out in fancy fonts onto pictures of whimsical landscapes of fields of flowers, cloud porn or the clichéd country road that disappears into the horizon (none of which feature in my samples below). And yes, I know I reshare that shit on Facebook and Pinterest too sometimes, trying to grab hold of a little of that inspiration the well meaning poster has wanted to spread.

Call me cynical, but all those inspirational quotes just don't seem to work on me. Takes these for instance:

Source

Seeing a fit and slender woman running along the beach with the slogan "Just Move" emblazoned across the bottom doesn't inspire me. It makes me feel exhausted and has been worried about UV rays and skin cancer. It makes me think of sand in my shoes and how I haven't worn a pair of shorts since 1988.

Source

"Only you can help you. Get off your ass and do something about it." Yeah, yeah, I know! But somehow this knowledge doesn't translate into action for me. This poster is a call for change. Take action. Take risks. It's trying to tell me to break out of the comfortable rut I live in. I can list for you the reasons why this just isn't possible right now, but I won't bore you with my laundry list of mental and physical concerns right now.

Source

Suck it up! I think this inspo quote is telling me to suffer in silence and exercise and starve myself until I don't have to suck in my unsightly gut any more. The problem with this so called inspirational slogan is that I don't bother sucking my gut in any way. Why would I put myself through that discomfort just so other people who might be looking at me feel more comfortable about looking at me and my body. Why do I need strive to not have a gut that needs sucking in? To be better liked? Or to just be accepted by a society that thinks that thin is worth suffering for? Nope, this inspo quote ain't doing it for me either.

Source

OK, so the quote above is actually a really sensible one and something I could and should aspire to. But... and there's always a but, I have a chronic anxiety disorder, long term depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. As much as I want to focus on the positive my mind automatically flicks to the negative "what if" scenarios in life. I've been learning to challenge my negative autopilot way of thinking but it still needs a lot of work. Must get stuck back into to mindfulness meditation... if only I had the motivation!

Now here's an inspirational quote that I can live by! Or at least keep me in my rut that half of me wants to stay safely cocooned in. There's no guilt attached to it because it probably isn't inspirational at all.

Just fucking do it, or whatever.


V.

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Where the bloody hell are ya?

Wow. It's been three months since my last confession blog post. I've been really looking forward to getting back into it but life has been busy. And stressful (when is it not for this little stress-head?). And, honestly, having a break from over analysing all my shit here has been nicely refreshing.

With Noo having started big school (that's right BIG SCHOOL!) last week, I'm so looking forward to having some time to myself so I can get back to doing more of the stuff I love, like blogging. And spending time with grown ups. And being by myself to do what I want to do. Oh, how I crave the ever cliched "me-time".

Here's a little catch up of what's happened while I was away...

I turned 39 years old

Truly amazing. And after enduring 2013, which turned out to be an annus horribilis to go down as one of the worst in my life, entering my 40th year is turning out to be pretty good so far.

There's was a time in my life I thought I'd never make 40, and I was proud of it. I was a rock star. Here for a good time, not a long time and all that. Times have certainly changed.

The party years

I'm not nearly as freaked out as I thought I'd be about entering my 40th year. I guess because I don't really feel 39. My body aches at times, yes. I gained 20 kilos in 2013 through depressive emotional eating. But I've now lost eight kilos since I joined the HAES movement. I'm learning to love my body how it is right now, rather than waiting for some miracle to occur that would magically turn my body into a socially acceptable shape and therefore worthy of love. Surprisingly, by doing this, I'm treating myself a lot better. And losing weight despite not being on a diet.

On my 39th birthday heading out for lunch with the family

Noo turned 5 years old

Another milestone birthday was celebrated. We went big for Noo's fifth birthday party, celebrating with all his little preschool mates at Luna Park. We celebrated not only his birthday but his graduating from the little daycare he has been attending since he was only 15 months old. We were both sad to see our time at Noo's daycare come to an end, but our family continues its connection with the school as my niece will be there a little while yet.

Celebrating Noo's fifth birthday at Luna Park

Our first summer school holidays

Noo and I had five full weeks together. The longest time he wasn't in any formal care since he was 15 months old. I was terrified I'd made the wrong decision in not enrolling him for January care but thought it would be a great time for us to hang out and do some cool stuff together.

We sure did get around: Hanging out with my sister and Noo's cousin Mala, Christmas, a couple of trips to the Blue Mountains, New Year's Eve with friends, Noo jumped on a blow up Stonehenge at Sydney Festival, Darling Quarter, Vikings at the Maritime Museum, Tyrannosaurs at the Australian Museum, nearly every public pool in the inner Sydney region, contributed to building a Lego art piece at the Opera House, and many other fun activities. We had so many big days out that by the last week of the holidays my self-proclaimed "go-boy" Noo said he was tired and wanted a few days home to rest before starting big school.

Summer fun filled holidays!

Noo started kindergarten

Noo's start to his big school life couldn't have gone smoother. He was excited rather than nervous the night before and jumped out of bed like Santa had been the night before when I told him it was time to get ready for the big day ahead. I must admit that I was a bit anxious in the lead up to the first day. More because we'd both gotten used to late nights and 8.30am sleep-ins than worried he'd be scared to go to school. He was so looking forward to it after spending most of January missing his old preschool mates.

Neither of us cried. Shock bloody horror. I've cried a few times over the summer break, about things I can't write about, but leaving Noo at big school for the first time was not one of those times. His Grandpa and I took him on the bus into town. When we got to school there were so many big kids around I was really worried he'd be overwhelmed by it all. But no, not my confident little wonder-kid. He settled in just fine. Especially with his best little mate Justine Stark always by his side.

First day of school

So there you have it! It's nearly midnight and I have to be up super early. We have been renovating our new apartment over the last three months too. I have serious reno fatigue. Sick of strangers in the place, the dust, the moving shit around, blah. But let's not end on a negative note. 

Here's to getting back to some serious blogging in 2014.

Hoping you all have had a great summer break as well.

V.

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Day 4: Favourite quote

Day 4, Saturday: Favorite quote (from a person, from a book, etc) and why you love it

When I first read the prompt for today my mind immediately went to this quote below because I say it over and over in my head all the time during my downs:

"This too shall pass."

Of course these are comforting words but I didn't want to choose them as my favourite quote. I say these four words over and over in my head as a mantra for survival. For this post I want to choose words that inspire me not just words that get me through tough times.

The quote that I'm going to choose as my favourite quote came from Shae at Free Range in Suburbia. I came across Shae's blog when I participated in the I Heart My Body campaign last year. This quote from Shae's post for this campaign resonated with me so strongly that I immediately typed it up all pretty, printed it and stuck it on my wall above my laptop screen.

If I could truly feel these words for myself and live by them everyday I reckon my life would be really different.

These words acknowledge that the society we live in has a strong preference for "perfect" when it comes to body size and shape. Too much of my sense of self is wrapped up in this warped and unrealistic ideal.

My interpretation of Shae's quote is that she is saying a big fuck you to society and standing up for the right to feel sexy and worthy no matter what she weighs.

This quote is triumphant and powerful and I love it.

You don't know me Shae but I just wanted to say thank you for such an inspiring post with the most awesome quote!

V.

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Kiss smart: The BB goals for 2013 - health

We are well and truly half way through the first month of the year and I'm yet to post my resolutions for 2013. Only I'm going to call them goals and aspirations because, apparently if I call them New Year's resolutions I'm less likely to succeed. If a little word change or two is going to help the cause, I'm all for it.

While I am aiming high this year, I also intend to stick to the KISS philosophy with some SMART thrown in.

Both KISS and SMART are mnemonic devices, if you didn't already know, which basically means they have been created to help us remember shit. Being ADHD, I need all the help I can get with my short term memory!

So while Keeping It Simple Stupid, my goals will be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time-bound. And because I have a few, I'm going to break them up into seven key areas. Each area will have its own post, otherwise this one post would be so babblingly long no one would ever bother to read it all.

The areas I want to work on this year are:

1. Health
2. For the soul
3. Finances
4. Career
5. Relationships
6. Family
7. Community

So basically I'm breaking down my whole life and setting goals and aspirations for each part.

Without further ado, here is goal area number one:

1. Health

I discovered last year that I heart my body. Yes, that's right, I love this 175cm 82kg body of mine that carries me around all day and all night. I haven't always loved it, in fact I've pretty much hated my body through a lifetime of brainwashing that my body isn't worth loving if it is fat.

Hating my body never helped me lose weight and keep it off so what is the point of that? Feeling shame about my body only served to make me feel shit about myself all the time and because it made me feel like shit I punished it. But I guess that is what we do to people/things we hate - we aren't very nice to them.

While I am now almost 20kg lighter than I was the day I got my lap-band, I am still around 5kg over my healthy weight range and 12kgs from my ultimate goal weight. My lap-band has been instrumental in helping me get to this point and now the rest of the work is up to me.

So hating my body has never worked and my lap-band has pretty much taken me as far as I can go, so the only approach left to take is to flip this hate caper on it's head and try love instead.

Following on from last year, I'm going to continue to love this body in 2013.

How do you treat people/things you love? You treat them with respect and dignity. You nurture them and say kind things to them. You do what you can to make them feel good.

So my health goal is to help my body feel good. Ok, let's aim higher. I'm going to make my body feel great and this is how I intend to do it:

a. Quit sugar... again

I'm currently back on the IQS (I Quit Sugar) bandwagon with one foot dangling off in the sea of temptation. I'm fighting my addiction to sugar with as much strength as I can muster, but I haven't been as strict as I was for those seven glorious weeks last year when Will Power was my best mate. Hell, she was my lover! This year we're getting back into bed together again. Whether she likes it or not!

I've paid up $9.99 for *The Happiness Institute's Boost Your Willpower - 30 Tips in 30 Days email course. I'm up to tip number six and so far, so good. Willpower is relevant for a lot of what I want to achieve so I think it has been a worthwhile investment.

b. Give oxygen to the flames of my cooking mojo

Like the glowing embers of an old fire, my creative desire to prepare food ebbs and wanes in the breeze. I absolutely adore cooking and when I am eating well I tend to cook more and the fire burns brightly. When my diet is shit I get lazy and disinterested in food and the flames are extinguished.

This year my fire will burn brightly with fresh whole foods being at the centre of the flames. Fruit, veggies, quality meat, whole grains and dairy. The only ingredients not allowed are sugar and processed junk.

Too easy. Well, you'd think so but the saying is always easier than the doing.

c. Move

Always the hardest part of a healthy lifestyle for me is to incorporate exercise into my everyday life. It is not because I don't like to exercise, I actually do like it but for me to get right into it, the exercise has to be easy. Not just easy to do, easy to get to, to do. If you know what I mean.

I know this is just an excuse but I very rarely have time on my own where I'm not with either Noo or my niece Mala. But if I was to really look at where I have moments on my own I guess I could find a gap or two to go down to our gym and get the heart rate going for a bit.

There are maybe two mornings a week when my parents are here. I should be at the gym at 6am on those days if I really wanted to work out. 6am. That is bloody early but the gym is in our building. That's right. Two floors down from me is a full gym and pool.

My lame arsed excuses for not going there include:

1. No one to look after kid(s)
2. The times that I could go are the busiest (ie 6am)
3. The times that I could go are too early (ie 6am)
4. I love spin classes but obviously we don't have group exercise classes in this residential building and none of the gyms around here have a creche
5. I cannot afford a gym membership and why should I join a gym if I have one here I can use for free?
6. My knee hurts
7. My foot hurts
8. I need to wait until I have an x-ray and CT scan on my lower back because of my foot (doctor thinks sciatica, I just think my foot is fucked)

What I can probably do is walk more. At least after my foot gets sorted out. Noo and I walked for miles yesterday around the Harbour and Opera House and today my foot is killing me. Stupid foot.

d. Keep this table stable

By table, I mean me, my mind. It rhymes with stable... anyway, I'm feeling pretty good this year as far as my mental health goes. I haven't had any serious mood swings for a while actually. If my mind feels stable my body reaps the benefits.

I think I finally have the right combination of medication and I really like my psychiatrist. Now the challenge is to find a way to hold on to this good feeling and maintain that stable table. Too often have I got here only to plunge again. Never as deep as rock bottom. I've only been there once. But I've dropped down low enough to start doubting myself again which in turn makes me feel too scared to keep pushing boundaries.

To keep things running smoothly I will continue my therapy but move it back from weekly to fortnightly. I'll keep reminding myself everything is ok. I have achieved so much and continuing to challenge the status quo only helps me achieve even more.


So, let's check back in with KISS SMART:

Did I keep it simple? 

I think so...

Goal: Help my body feel great

How: Quit sugar, eat whole foods, move my body, monitor my mind
and continue to challenge the boundaries of my comfort zones

Are my goals smart? 

They look pretty smart to me...

Specific: See above

Measurable: By 30 June I aim to be 75kg and happy

Achievable: With 7kg to lose in just over five months to do it in, I think so

Relevant: Absolutely

Time-bound: Yes, to be measured on 30 June 2013

So that is it for the babblingbandit.me KISS SMART goal area number 1 for 2013. I will check in periodically as to where I am tracking over the next six months.


V.


*Not sponsored! Just wanted to mention it because I like The Happiness Institute.

Linking up with Jess at Essentially Jess for #iBOT.

I heart my body... but it's taken a long time to get here

I heart my body.

There! I've said it.

I heart my body.

Hmmm, feels strange to say. Like trying on a new pair of swimmers. Not sure if it fits right away.

I heart my body.

This wasn't true until recently, very recently. In fact, I've always actively hated my body. It has been the main source of a lifetime of feeling defectiveness and shame.

I heart my body.

It feels so good everytime I type out those letters.

I heart my body.

My knock knees, my gummy smile, my rough and bumpy skin, my tuckshop arms. Even my belly which has been an enemy of mine for so long. But now we're friends! Best friends.

I heart my body!

Despite all I've put it through. The thrashing with booze and drugs, the disrespect I showed it with my promiscuity. My body is still working. It still holds me up, moves me from place to place.

I heart my body!

Even when I was at rock bottom and my mind was broken my body made my son. It took in those tiny cells, accepted them, nurtured them and allowed them to grow and thrive. My body gave me life. My baby. My saviour.

I HEART MY BODY!

I'll shout it from the hilltops!

This body is mine. I will radically accept it for all its flaws. I will love it and treat it with respect and acknowledge it for all it gives me and will continue to give me until the day I die.

Here it is. My body. I heart you.

[photo removed]

V.

Make some changes and get a life

19 days into the new year and nothing has changed. I feel so stagnant, almost paralysed. Change is obviously what I need but so much fear holds me back from doing anything. I'm tired and bored and irritate easily.

I need to get a job.

I'm the only one who can take the turn off.
Picture borrowed from Lifehack.org

Yuck! I wrote those couple of lines above a few days ago. Nothing has changed but I don't feel as desperate as I did on Thursday. At least I don't think I do.

Mum and dad have taken Noo away for a couple of days so I can have a break. I miss him badly already. Whenever I drop him at school I don't feel bad. I know he loves preschool. But for some reason I'm racked with mother's guilt this afternoon. I feel guilty for shipping him off. For feeling like a need a break from parenting.

People have started to notice I'm not feeling 100%. My parents and even a couple of my friends have asked if I am ok. I don't know what to say. Most people think I have an easy life. I only have one child and I don't work and I live with my parents. Life should be simple right?

These are the things that are worrying me at the moment:

1. My diet is shocking. I have sugar everyday. I crave it. My band is in the perfect place. I have to eat slowly, consciously chewing small mouthfuls of non starchy foods. Oats and prunes for breakfast, salad for lunch, protein and veggies for dinner. Great. I'm satiated after about an entrée size portion. Even better. The problem is in between meals I crave snacky stuff like popcorn or lollies and I never resist the bad stuff. Also after dinner I have to have chocolate or ice cream or both. Usually I have a small cone with low fat vanilla ice cream with crushed peanuts and Ice Magic on top. To die for... literally.

My weight is hovering around 80-82kg. I have been this weight most of my adult life. While it is so much better than being between 100-102kg I'm still 10kg short of my goal. I feel fat and ugly. I feel like I'm aging so fast now. I feel like I've wasted the best years of my life being fat. Who cares if I'm a bit overweight when I'm old? Now is when it matters. Especially seeing as I'd like to find a 'mate'. And I don't want a fat partner either. I think it is disgusting if I'm honest. My gut, my legs, my arse, my arms. Fucking disgusting. I find it completely repellent on a man too. I'm not saying I need a perfect Michelle Bridges 12 fucking wbt body. Just a normal size 12 would be awesome. Why the fuck then can't I stick to any diet? Why do I shove that chocolate in my gob, order that ice cream, buy those lollies, bake those chocolate chip bikkies? Why?

2. Exercise is currently not a part of my life. But I want it to be. Fear holds me back. I bought a 10 pack of visits to Fitness First that I have to use before March. I went the first time last year when I was attempting 12wbt. I liked the class but the gym scared me. Living in the city the nearest gyms to me are obviously frequented by city workers. I went to the Bond Street Fitness First and it was full of hot men and women who were so fit and fabulous and generally intimidating for a fatty like me. Sounds like such a bad excuse, and it is I know, but I can't seem to get past it. I haven't been to our gym downstairs either. I'm just so fucking slack. Slack and lazy.

3. Uni has started freaking me out. I dropped out last study period because my heart wasn't in it any more. My anxiety was through the roof because I was also trying to find a job and doing RSVP trying to find a man as well as trying to do 12wbt by the book and failing. Something had to give so I gave up uni. My first application for special circumstances was rejected but finally my second was accepted. I've enrolled again in the same subject for the next study period which is a relief but I'm worried I'll fail again. The study period doesn't begin until 27 February so I really should use this time wisely and get started on redoing assignment 1 ahead of time.

4. The work situation scares me witless! I don't even want to write about it really. I know I need a job for my own sanity but having that kind of commitment terrifies me. For too long I haven't been expected anywhere really. Noo is the only one that makes me do anything and that is for love so it is ok. He loves me even when I fuck up. What if I actually do get a job and I don't do it right or I wake up every morning again hyperventilating with anxiety about having to go and perform around a bunch of strangers. And this market is so tight! Especially for part time admin roles. I've had so many rejections. Before my breakdown I got every job I ever interviewed for. I'm excellent at what I do but I can't seem to get a foot in the door anywhere now.

So that is it I think. My poor me middle class problems.

I should stop whining and start doing but I'm so tired. I need another life changing epiphany. That lightning bolt. That breakthrough. Just some sort of kick up the arse that gets me moving again.

V.

Feeling fab! In the 80s at last.

This entry is going to be such a contrast to last week's Guilt and Anxiety post. After having a fantastic birthday on Saturday I have been rewarded again with the scales clocking in at 89.8kg. I'm finally below that elusive 90kg (200lb) mark!

Dressed and ready to party on my 36th birthday

Saturday started with high anxiety. Noo was gagging to get out of the house and play so was a little terror, running around pulling the place apart just as I was trying to tidy up and organise outfits, etc for the big day ahead. At one stage I snapped, as he continued to pull everything from under his change table out after I repeatedly asked him not to. The poor little thing is only 22 months so doesn't really understand. That didn't stop me shouting at the gorgeous little boy and telling him to get out while I picked him up and then closed the door on him. I was so upset! So was he. I felt so bad about it later. Seeing that little face look up at me while I closed the door broke my heart but I was just so frustrated. Five minutes later, after composing myself, I went back out and said sorry and he gave me a big hug saying sorry too.

I think I have a lot of patience generally and I especially have a lot of patience for Noo, but sometimes I just snap. I just find the best thing is to remove myself from the room (or in this case, remove Noo) and stop and take some deep breaths and remember, he is only a little boy, not even two years old.

It was a really hot and balmy Sydney summer's day. I love warm weather, but not too warm. I just don't like the frizzy hair and melted make up that comes with the heat and humidity. By the time we got to my sister and brother in law's house for lunch, it was just right, and with the French doors open to their back garden, there was a lovely breeze through, making it the perfect place to be.

For my birthday feast, my brother made the most delicious Vietnamese style rice paper rolls with prawn and salad, accompanied by one of his fantastic sauces. I wish I took a photo to show you, before we all demolished them.

The main course was cooked by my wonderful brother in law who baked the most amazing dish of Asian style whole snapper served with Chinese BBQ pork and pineapple fried rice and Asian greens. Absolutely to die for! And nothing was too heavy or overly calorific - until dessert that is!

Asian style baked whole Snapper

Birthday feast - Chinese roast pork and pineapple fried rice

As requested, my mum made her sumptuous Mangomisu, which is a summery take on the Italian classic, Tiramisu. Absolutely to die for but very rich as it is chock block full of mascapone and thickened cream and sugar and Grand Marnier. So, so good!

As I don't have much restriction I was able to enjoy all three courses, but I had much smaller serves than I would have in the past. I was stoked though not to be too tight. I mean, who would want miss out on all that delicious food?

I love my family, we are small, but we are quality. I love them all to bits. I am so grateful for all the effort put in to make my birthday as special as it was.

Mum's Mangomisu

After lunch Noo got out in the back garden to play under the hose with his uncles watching on. He had such a fabulous time.

Noo having a ball!

Once lunch was over, my parents took Noo up the the Blue Mountains with them so I could have a couple of nights off. I missed him so much while he was gone, but was so glad for the sleep.

Once we said our goodbyes, my sister, brother in law and I got ready to go out to meet up with friends for my birthday drinks at a bar in Sydney's inner city. I had such a wonderful night. In fact, it was the best night out I've had in a long time. I felt great, I wasn't uncomfortable physically or mentally, I felt kinda normal! I was by no means the biggest girl in the room, amongst Sydney's beautiful people. I didn't feel self conscious about not drinking or feel that I couldn't get amongst it without having that artificial confidence that alcohol use to give me. That was the reason I started drinking in the first place so I can't tell you how good it was to realise I don't NEED it any more. I am ok as I am!

Losing weight off my face

Stoked about my weightloss

It is just amazing what being down 10kg can do. I just can't imagine what I'll feel like when I get to 80kg or 70kg! After I had such a naughty week of eating, seeing that drop on the scale has given me new motivation to keep going and get to that next weightloss goal of 85kg by Christmas. It felt so good to cross off 90kg. So fantastic! Can you tell I'm ecstatic! 

Check it out...

Before I go, thank you for the supportive comments I got last week when I had my little anxiety attack. Your comments are so appreciated and cherished so thank you!

I hope everyone in blogland has had great weekends. And looking forward to more success this week as we head closer to Christmas.

V.

Babblings...

I have been a busy bee these last four days so I have a bit of catching up to do. 

Thursday

Last time I blogged I had my big list of NSVs and was feeling on top of the world, even though I'd had quite an anxious day with Noo. Well that night I had trouble getting to sleep and it wasn't til 1am on Thursday morning that I stupidly decided to take one of these over the counter sleeping tablets that my parents got from the US when they were there a couple of months ago.

These pills were terrible! Well they did the job by getting me to sleep but I couldn't wake up again properly until Friday morning - two days later. I had so much trouble waking up on Thursday so much so that I basically cancelled my whole day so I could sleep it off. I managed to get Noo fed, dressed and down to day care and then came straight back home and back to bed, where I stayed til nearly 1pm. I was still terribly drowsy but thought I'd better wake up and try having more coffee so I didn't waste the entire day in bed but still didn't manage to get too far from the couch. I picked Noo up from day care at 5pm and had us both fed, bathed and into bed by 7.30. I think I went off to sleep before he did.

Needless to say, no matter how bad my insomnia is I'm never taking those pills again! They really brought my mood down too. After feeling so good the day before, I felt really low and defeated.

Friday

Thankfully, all was back to normal on Friday and both Noo and I woke in great moods. Noo is home with me Fridays and we planned to spend the day with one of my very good friends from England who now lives here in Bondi (of course - where all the Poms go!) permanently.

We started off by going to the new Westfield shopping centre in the Pitt Street Mall for yum cha at my favourite yum cha restaurant Sky Phoenix. The refurb of the restaurant isn't much to write home about but the food is still delicious and very band friendly. Well friendly in that dumplings and noodles go down really easily - probably too easily, if you're being strict with calories. I ate probably a bit too much.

Next stop was to the new foodcourt floor called the Sydney Room to show my friend the dessert bar. The ice cream cases have apparently been imported from Italy and they were designed by Ferrari! Well, that's what I heard some blokes saying as they ordered their $5 scoops of ice cream. I couldn't resist so shared a scoop of honeycomb fig with Noo. Divine!

Me and the Italian ice cream bar

We were so full so decided to go for a bit of a walk around town and then off to check out an exhibition at the Museum of Sydney. Next we walked around the Harbour and up through The Rocks Markets, stopping for a cool beverage before heading home.

Noo and I wore our red Chucks and black jeans

All in all it was a great day for fun and a terrible day for food.

Saturday

Saturday was just horrible as it rained all day. It was boring basically so I won't go into any details except to say I stupidly attempted to eat some toast and it got massively stuck. Not going to do that again! I don't have a lot of restriction though and my next fill isn't for another two weeks. 

Sprung playing with Mummy's laptop

Sunday

On Sunday Sydney was bathed in the most beautiful blue sunny skies which was a welcome relief after a week of cold and wet weather. Noo and I headed out to the beach with Auntie Yo, my sister Yolanda. Thankfully Yo is a beach babe so she took Noo in the water and they had the most wonderful time splashing about. I sat up on the beach fully clothed watching everyone around me.

I have not liked my body in cosies since I was about 12 years old. Not only am I fat and flabby but I'm pale and white, which just makes fat look worse. Tanned fat seems better looking. Urgh! Gross, I hate my body in swimmers. I'll go in my Miracle Suit swimmers at the pool because I love swimming and Noo is a full on water baby who'd like to be a merman I think, but I really have to use all my therapy skills to get myself out there and just pretend my body doesn't really exist. I kind of just ignore it. My girlfriends are all slim and tanned and despite most of them having had a couple of babies, they're tummies are flat. It is so unfair!

Noo on the see saw

Me nearly 10kg down but still fully clothed on the beach

Too cute for words!

That's my sis in the background

After the beach we went to Centennial Park for lunch where I had a delicious goat cheese, beetroot and lentil salad served with watercress, which really was very healthy and very band friendly. I wish I got a photo. It was so good. 

We had a great day. I love hanging out with my sister. She is one of my favourite people in the whole world. I absolutely adore her. And she absolutely adores my son so the three of us always have great times together.

Monday

I weighed myself this morning and I clocked in at 90.7, which is a 200 gram gain on last week's 90.5kg weigh in. Disappointing but I'm not devastated. I deserved it and I'm just so thankful that my poor week of eating didn't amount to an entire kilo being stacked on.

Today I started my morning by dropping Noo to day care and then I took the most beautiful walk around the Harbour. I really walked hard and up and down some of the massive hills and old stone staircases we have around here. It was a really good 50 minute workout.

After though it was back to Sky Phoenix with my parents and sister for a yum cha dumpling pig out. I should explain that Sky Phoenix has been closed for about a year while the new Westfield was built which is why the sudden need to go twice in five days. I've had my fix now so will not go back for a while.

As I said earlier, I am not feeling much restriction so it will take some will power to keep my portion sizes down and to eat well over the next two weeks while I wait for my next fill. Its my birthday on Saturday too so there will definitely be cake. I am really going to try to exercise when I can so hopefully I can get into the 80s soon.

Anyway, this post really lives up to the moniker "babbling bandit" as I have carried on way too much. I have a border-line migraine so I'm going to leave it like this rather than try to edit down to something more succinct.

I hope all is well out in Blogland and I will endeavour to catch up with your blogs as soon as I can.

V.