Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Doctor, this antidepressant isn't working - so fuck you

I'm so fucking angry right now.

Since my first outburst of tears on 10 May 2013 when I got the sign that my mood was slipping in the wrong direction, I have been on and off a shitload of medications.

None of them have helped me:

Sodium Valproate

I've had side effect ranging from constipation, headspins, blurred vision, vertigo, dizziness, dry mouth, altered menstrual cycle, headaches, restless leg syndrome, depression, anxiety and now rage.

I'm so angry right now I could punch my fist through this fucking computer.

I'm so angry right now that I'm not getting better.

I'm so angry right now that I have ALL THE THINGS an unemployed person could want but I'm fucking miserable.

I'm so angry right now that I screamed at my son this morning because we were running late for fucking preschool. I pushed him down the hallway because he didn't do what I asked him to do the first time I asked it, or the second, or the fucking third time.

I'm so angry right now because when my one and only child begged me for a kiss for forgiveness I couldn't even look at him because I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY!

I'm so fucking angry because I keep telling my fucking psychiatrist that I'm fucking angry in the fucking morning and he just fucking tells me that I haven't given this fucking medicine enough of a go yet.

Well I think three weeks of fucking anger is enough fucking anger!

I'm so sick of being on this pharmaceutical rollercoaster.

I just want to feel the way I did before this all happened. I know I wasn't 100% before this episode but it was a hell of a lot fucking better than this fucking bullshit!


So, Shrink, fuck you!


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TeganMC said...

I know this feeling all too well. The prickling feeling under the skin is the worst, it feels like everything anyone does is done to piss you off. You feel like something's grating against your skin and nothing could possibly make it stop.

I hope that your psychiatrist starts to listen to you soon. Xx

Dorothy said...

I know how this feels. I spent a year fiddling around with my anti-depressants, before going back on cymbalta. It's not perfect, but it's better than feeling suicidal and spending every day in bed. I also get the rage. I hope you get some decent treatment soon.

Eleise Hale said...

Oh gosh you sound in a bad place. I hope that you can get the right combination soon :( Huge hugs

Me said...

I wish I knew what to day but I have nothing except to tell you that I am thinking of you and wishi could just give you and Ned a HUGE big hug.
Sending love, hugs and positive energy your way !

Me said...


Debbish said...

When do you go back to see the shrink? I hope they can get the right mix of meds and therapy soon. And I hope you have someone you can talk to when you are really struggling.

babblingbandit.me said...

Thanks Tegan. I'm weaning myself off the nortryptaline. Might just got back to an SSRI. Better than this crap. Hope you are doing well. V.

babblingbandit.me said...

Rage is the worse symptom because I'm so scared of what I'm physically capable of. I've had trouble with rage and mood control since I was a little girl. If there was only myself to worry about I wouldn't be so scared, but having a kid, I don't want to take any risk I could take it out on him. I'm lucky my parents are here to step up and take over while I'm trying to sort this stuff out. Thanks for the support. V.

babblingbandit.me said...

Thanks Eleise. For my boy, I will always have the will to keep trying to find a solution. V.

babblingbandit.me said...

Thanks Me, I really appreciate it. I slept for most of the day. Now I just wait until my next appointment to find out what drug I can try next. V.

babblingbandit.me said...

I have you guys to talk to and I'm so grateful for this blogging community. My parents are here and I have an emergency plan should things get really bad. Starting a mindfulness course tomorrow so hopefully that will help me learn how to find some internal peace. V.

AParentingLife said...

Sending some fairy wishes and butterfly kisses your way

Jeanie said...

Hey darl - I hear you. I read you are starting that course today - I hope to goodness that you can find some amazing tools with it.

I know it might make you rage all the more (because it did me when it was suggested and I was in your spot) but what techniques are you employing for relaxation? Last thing in the world you want to expletive-deleted think about right now is yoga and meditation and bull-pie like that - but man, they are a bit like Ghandi, they can help you overcome.

It took an awfully good therapist working with me for me to see the light on that little duck - and I still forget it and the world collapses on occasion - but when I remember and get it back into my toolkit, life is far more achievable for me.

babblingbandit.me said...

Thank you. Feeling better today. So thanks. V.

babblingbandit.me said...

I agree, I definitely need some proper structured relaxation/mindfulness/yoga type skill incorporated into my recovery plan, hence the "Mindfulness for Stress Reduction" course.

I was in a bad place when I wrote this post a couple of days ago but I'm already feeling better after one day of the mindfulness course.

The only way is up. Baby. (Remember Yazz!)


Jeanie said...

For you and me babe!!

Lady Jewels Diva said...

There are days you just need to tell the world to fuck off, and if you don't think your doctor is helping what about going to another one.

Physiotherapy said...

That's Cool !


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