Goodbye Blue Mountains hello Sydney!

Noo and I are now at the tail end of our ten day break in the Blue Mountains. It has been wonderful to hang out with Yolanda, my sister, and her seven month old daughter Mala, as well as to catch up with old friends.

We've had great days chilling at home as well as some fun day trips around the Mountains. The weather has been perfect: cool, crisp days with blue skies and sunshine. There's been lots of good food both cooked at home and eaten out. And with only one day of anxiety it really has been a relaxing week away.

Today: a perfect sunny Blue Mountains winters day

The part of the Blue Mountains where my parents reside is nestled about 10km west of the main road from Sydney. It is really quiet here. There are no cafes or tacky souvenir shops. No playgrounds or tourist buses. Just a fire station and a post box serve the residents who are surrounded by the most beautiful Australian bushland. The road leading in is a tree-lined avenue that is as stunning this time of year as it is in spring and almost as beautiful in winter as it is when the leaves change colour for autumn.

My sister and I know how lucky we are to have this place as a sanctuary. A place to escape to when city life gets too much. I used to come here, before Noo was born, before my years in London, to recuperate from a hectic life of working and partying. There is no mobile network here but back in the mid 1990s to early 2000s we didn't have internet either. We were completely cut off. With fresh air and lots of good food, this was the perfect place to detox, like a mini weekend rehab.

In the months after leaving Noo's father I spent a large part of my pregnancy up here, away from the dramas at home. After my breakdown, subsequent hospitalisations and sojourn to rock bottom I lost a lot of my usual support network. The general response to the news I was pregnant was negative. Most of my friends thought I wouldn't cope, that it was unfair on the unborn child. People didn't know how to be around me. And I don't blame them. I was a mess.

I spent the first trimester of my pregnancy in very little contact with my family or friends (the period which will be the third instalment of the "The dad question"). When I finally did leave Noo's father I I had an enormous amount of work to do to mend the very damaged relationships I had with those closest to me. My relationship with my sister was one that was hurt the most. She had borne the weight of my declining mental health and increasing addictions since well before my return from London. She was tired and needed to be free of my shit for a while. It was hard. Horrible actually. But that is another story.

During the second and third trimesters I wasn't working so I spent most of my time with my parents. Actually, I did attempt a return to work but the anxiety attacks became daily again and I wasn't sleeping so I didn't last very long before I was taking early maternity leave.

Despite the hardships they'd endured during the year previous my parents were still there for me. They helped me build a home for me and Noo in a little apartment I found in the inner south west of Sydney. I also stayed with them up here in the Blue Mountains quite a bit. It was so relaxing. Mum and I would spend hours and hours every day talking about my pregnancy and Noo's impending arrival.

There have been times too when I've hated it here. Hated the seclusion, the heat in summer and the bugs! But mostly I've loved it, but only as a place to visit. Which gets me back to today. Our last night after a long week away.

The sun setting over the valley for the last time while we're here this trip

And I am so looking forward to going home! I love the city. The buzz and the hustle and bustle. The people and beeping horns. The tall buildings, the Harbour and the cappuccinos. The city workers, the inner city mums and kids at the park. Friends and daycare! My bed and my desk so I can get into a better routine to blog.

Yes, I am ready to go home.

Can't wait to get back to the bright lights of the city

'Til next time.

V.

Move it, bite it, sit with it, medicate it

Daft Punk - Techologic
Sing the title of my post to this song

I saw Shrink today. We talked more about my mental head shit and basically the message is this:

1. Move out of home. Living with my parents is bad for my mental health.

There are a few reasons why this isn't happening any time soon.

I am not moving out of home while my income is as low as it is right now. And I depend on my parent's company on the few nights a week that they are actually here. The thought of living alone with Noo seven days a week just seems too unbearable. Not because of Noo, of course, but because of being lonely for adult company.

It is so safe here. I live in a secured building with 24 hour door staff. There's a screen for me to look at who is buzzing down stairs and CCTV everywhere. We are high enough up so it is impossible to get in our windows or balcony. I need this feeling of security. When you've lived with that constant hum of fear that someone is going to get you in your bed, like I have in the past, and then you find a way to make it stop, the feeling of relief is palpable. You never want to feel that fear again.

2. Try to catch myself putting myself down. Bite my tongue.

I have a terrible habit of putting myself down to people in some sort of pre emptive move to beat them to it. But who is going to say mean things to me? Why do I have such a low opinion of myself that I think most all other people I come into contact with must think the same. Except for Noo. I know he thinks I rock.

3. Notice anxiety, sit with it, accept that it is ok. It will not kill me.

Anxiety sucks. I've noticed a lot of bloggers have been talking about it lately. It is so common! Especially among women, I think. What has happened that we are all nervous wrecks just trying to get about our daily lives? I have been pretty good in recent weeks, especially since I had my iron infusion. And I've created this little comfortable world where I don't get challenged too much by people I don't know that well. By their expectations or needs. Like a boss or a boyfriend. Too many expectations!

4. I have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Take Ritalin.

So adult ADHD, hey. Comes as both a surprise and "ah, that makes sense". I did this test and I scored 77 the first time and then I went through it with my sister and scored 66 which is still considered high. 

It would explain why my school teachers always said on my reports that I distracted easily, that I 'lived in a vacuum', daydreamed a lot, vagued out. I have trouble focusing my attention on anything for too long. I get overwhelmed when I have too many things on but I always sign myself up for everything and end up doing nothing. I constantly walk into rooms and totally forget why I'm there. I forget what I'm saying mid conversation. It is so annoying!

Controlled drug! Sounds full on, which I suppose it is.
Photo from here.

So I'm on Ritalin. Or kiddie coke, as I found out it is also called when I Googled it today. It is kind of weird being on such a stimulant drug considering I used to take speed and coke recreationally all the time. This doesn't feel the same as the illegal ones though. I don't feel that wired excited arrogance that I loved so much with cocaine. Or that intense clarity that can come with speed. I feel kind of normal. So far anyway. I've only taken two very low doses to get started. I have to monitor how it makes me feel as I up the dose slowly over the next week and then I'm back with Shrink again next Thursday.

So there you (or I) have it. Analysis of analysis.

I'm overwhelmingly tired this evening so I'm off to bed.

Good night.

V.