A post about poo

I've been a bit cranky, anxious and basically over it all for about six weeks. There's been moments where I've felt ok, like I'm doing well, but mostly I've felt a bit on a slide. I've felt out of control of myself and my life.

I feel like I give, give, give and get nothing in return (which isn't really the case, it just feels that way). I'm sapped of emotional energy. If I believed in auras I reckon mine has gone from a bright multicoloured rainbow of hues to shades of dull mission brown. Because I feel like poo.

I feel bad about feeling like poo. Just like years ago when I said in a group therapy session that I felt like I didn't "deserve to be depressed". No one deserves depression, but that's not what I meant. I meant I felt like what I was going through was all my own fault and by giving it a label I was taking away my responsibility for it. The same goes for now: I have no right to say I feel like poo because really, on the face of it, I have a lot and I should just get the fuck over myself.

These are the words that go around in my head when I feel really bad about myself:

Flake

Lazy

Useless

Unreliable

Selfish

Stupid

Ditzy

Fat

No self control

Not good enough

Loser

Idiot

I always feel like I should be doing more. I feel like I am a sub par performer of life. Irrelevant to the world except for my family.

At the beginning of this year I committed to the following:

• Work two days a week as my niece's nanny
• Work two days a week at an office helping out with admin
• Study one unit of my degree
• Blog daily/every two days
• Set up a Virtual Assistant business
• Lose the last 7kgs
• Find a boyfriend

OK, so that is a lot. I started the year with all guns blazing and now, by mid March, I'm flailing out of control. Each week another commitment gets crossed of the list. It looks like this now:

• Work two days a week as my niece's nanny
• Blog every two/three days
• Set up a Virtual Assistant business
• Lose the last 7kgs

I withdrew from my university unit yesterday. I just can't find the time for it. Any regular reader will know that I quit my two day a week office job on day three because the anxiety was overwhelming.

I was feeling so great at the end of last year. Cruising along, eating well, exercising, looking after my niece Mala three days a week, being a great mum for Noo. But then I tried to cash in on feeling good by committing to new projects. I failed and started falling apart again.

Try. Get anxious about failing. Fail. Feel very bad. Slowly recover. Feel great. Take on more. 

Try. Get anxious about failing. Fail. Feel very bad. Slowly recover. Feel great. Take on more. 

Try. Get anxious about failing. Fail. Feel very bad. Slowly recover. Feel great. Take on more. 

Try. Get anxious about failing. Fail. Feel very bad. Slowly recover. Feel great. Take on more. 

Try. Get anxious about failing. Fail. Feel very bad. Slowly recover. Feel great. Take on more. 

I am so over this never ending cycle! I must be so much hard work for everyone. My family I mean. I'm so unreliable! No one ever knows, including me, if I'll ever actually go through with what I say am going to do.

Great advert my for new business, huh. Hire me! I may or may not complete your project depending on my anxiety levels this week.

I hate it when I get snappy at my family. I wish I could smile and say "yes, no problem" to every request without feeling like I want to scream. I think I just need space. Time out to relax and do what I want to do, even if that means laying on the couch or sitting at the computer for hours. Ok, so I do actually do that now, but only between the hours of 10pm-1.30am because they are the only hours I get to myself. That is tiring but at least I get that.

And space. Fucking hell. We have no space left to move. Noo and I live in a small room that houses my loft bed, his bed, my office, our bedroom furniture and a shitload of toys for both Noo and Mala. We cannot move. We live like freaking hoarders, sleeping under piles of stuff. So much stuff!

But, I have to be grateful and I really have no right to whinge. We live in a gorgeous apartment right in the city of Sydney. I actually pay less than the equivalent of one week's rent here for one whole month's board. I am lucky.

Everyone in our family is busy. Nobody gets to hang around and not think about other people's needs. That's just life being a human. We all have to play our role and help each other.

I guess I just think I don't do it very well. Life that is.

This post is definitely poo.


V.