Being the mum of a son without a dad around is something I have always taken for granted. That is until recently when I started to doubt myself as a parent because of the instability in my mood and the subsequent deterioration of Noo's behaviour. I had this nagging feeling that he needed a father around to help with the discipline and routine in our lives. But is this really true? Have I done my son a disservice by cutting all contact with his biological father?
The short answer to that question is: no, in my heart I believe I did the right thing five years ago.
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| My little boy is growing up |
The long answer is below. I apologise but this post has turned into an essay so if you don't get through it all, I completely understand!
If you've read my story
The Dad Question which is part of the series
From Rock Bottom to Parenthood, you'll know my boy was born out of fairly precarious circumstances. Noo's father and I only knew each other for a few short months and in that time I came to the conclusion that it was safer for us both that his father played no role in either of our lives.
I'll never regret that decision because when it came down to it I'm pretty sure the man who got me pregnant would have caused emotional conflict, physical harm or just left anyway. I've dated other men since then but none of the relationships have turned into anything lasting. So right now we are a team of two: mother and son. Followed closely by our immediate family: Noo's grandparents and his two aunts and two uncles.
When I was a younger woman I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would be doing this gig alone. I always dreamt I'd have the husband, the house and at least two kids. But that is not my reality now and I have to make the best of what I've got and really, I've got a lot.
I am so lucky that I have a huge amount of support especially from my parents. Sometimes I doubt I'd survive at all if it wasn't for them. They put a roof over our heads and subsidise our lifestyle. The emotional support I get from my mum and sister is life saving.
But over the last couple of weeks there's been a number of incidents that have made me feel really alone in this parenting business. I'll give you an example of one of the situations we found ourselves in:
We were at a local market and I sat on the grass minding our things and watching as Noo kicked a ball around. The games had been set up for any kids at the markets to play with. A little girl and her dad came to join Noo in kicking the ball into the net. It was all fun and games until the girl wanted to be goalie which was the position Noo was playing. As the father attempted to play on Noo refused to move, getting angrier and angrier, and I nearly burst into tears right then and there with embarrassment. In retrospect Noo probably felt left out, as the father kept high-fiving his daughter, but I saw it as completely rude and unacceptable behaviour.
Maybe I am over analysing the situation, as usual, but now I worry the real reason Noo was angry and behaved really badly was because he didn't have a dad there to play with too. Just a mum on the sidelines nagging him to leave. He kept grabbing the two soccer balls to stop the little girl and her father from playing. I could see the anger and frustration in his eyes. My own anxiety escalated as I made offers of ice cream and face painting as lures to get him away.
Of course it ended in tears. I was humiliated and for the first time ever I told Noo he had embarrassed me with his behaviour, that no one wants to play with little boys that don't share and take turns. I dragged him out of there, past the ice cream and the face painting, back to the car while lecturing him the whole way on how to play nicely.
I couldn't stop thinking about it all as we drove away. That gnawing feeling that I'd behaved just as badly as Noo burned in my chest. Mother's guilt set in and I wondered how I was ever going to do this right. My little boy is growing up! He is turning five in December and he needs a father figure who'll kick the ball around with him on a Saturday morning. And I need to make some adjustments to my parenting style too. I can't just be his friend any more. I have to stand up and be his parent.
I have some idea as to how I hope to guide Noo as he grows from baby through to young man. And while I believe there doesn't have to be the socially accepted norm of mum and dad, as Noo's ever loving mum I know that I can't give all this guidance alone. Recent events gave me more evidence of that. I believe that having strong male role models in his life is essential in helping him develop into a well rounded individual, not just to have a bloke to kick a ball around with.
Of course I know that general society sees our family as being different despite the fact that the
single parent household is one of the fastest growing social groups in Australia according to the
2011 Census. In fact a quarter of young Aussie families (those with dependent kids under 15 years of age) have only one parent at its head.
Science says you need a woman and a man to make a baby but it doesn't require a mother and a father to raise one. The solo mum raising a boy(s) is obviously not the only family arrangement where boys are being raised without a dad at home. There are lesbian couples with sons and hetero couples where the father is working in an industry that requires him to be away for long periods of time (eg defence, mining). In this day and age there are so many combinations of what makes up a family, in my view, there's no such thing as a 'normal' family.
According to
Bernard Salt, undoubtedly our most well-known demographer here in Australia,
"82% of lone parent households are headed by women". What I'd like to know is of the 82% how many are raising sons without a father present in any way? What do those mums do for parental support (and I'm not talking financially) and are there any resources out there for us and our boys? The most recent comprehensive
Australian research on fatherlessness was done ten years ago and I've found little else more recent discussing this issue.
I've done a fair bit of my own digging around into this topic for a while now and like all issues there are a lot of differing opinions. I've come across religious websites that think the dissolution of the traditional nuclear family is responsible for the steady breakdown of society and that having a shitty dad around is better than no dad at all (or a shitty mum for that matter). And then I've come across a lot of credible sources that say the opposite.
Dr Michael Flood, in his 2003 article for the
Sydney Morning Herald "Positive parenting a key to child's wellbeing, with or without dad", wrote:
"It is not the presence of a father, but the quality of the parenting and family relationships, which makes the most difference to children's wellbeing. Conflict-ridden and unhappy relationships are damaging to children, in both "intact" marriages and between separated parents. If their parents are constantly in conflict, children are actually better off if their parents divorce."
That's not to say dads aren't important in the sole parent family headed by a mum with a son(s). Of course they are and if they can be involved in their son's lives in a harmonious way, then perfect (unless the son has come from donor sperm for solo mothers by choice or lesbian couples and either party has chosen no contact).
This post isn't meant to be about dad bashing or claiming that men are now superfluous when it comes to raising families. In fact, a growing number of dads (
18% of all lone parent households - up 14% over the last five years), are doing the parenting duties on their own too, according to Bernard Salt, which has its own set of questions.
Dr Peggy Drexler, who writes for the
Huffington Post and wrote the 2005 book
"Raising boys without men: how maverick moms are creating the next generation of exceptional men" agrees with Dr Flood:
"Beyond the specifics of how women are successfully raising sons, I came to see [from her research] that good, loving, growth-encouraging parenting is what sons need. Parenting, moreover, is not anchored to gender. Parenting is either good or deficient, not male or female."
Phew!
There are some stats out there that say fatherless boys are more likely to do badly at school, become violent, have problems with addiction and join gangs but of course there are other socio-economic factors to take into account when you look into that side of the story. Conversely, there are people who believe that boys that are raised without a father or significant male role model will grow up to be 'mummy's boys' unable to develop their own masculinity. That just sounds stupid to me!
From all the articles and books that I've read, the key message is, boys need positive male role models throughout their life whether the biological dad is around or not.
The teachers at Noo's daycare say that when his little mates ask him why he doesn't have a dad he always answers with pride
"I don't have a dad, I have a grandpa" which makes me so proud. Noo loves his grandparents and they love him.
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| Just a few weeks old: Noo and Grandpa |
Dr Drexler wrote for the
Huffington Post in 2009 that
"boys do find their own role models - coaches, teachers, friends and others in the family". She specifically talks about grandfathers and how they can be the perfect role model for a boy growing up without his dad around. After all, they've done the job before and, if they are retired, they should have more time available to kick a ball around.
I do what I can to do 'boys things' with Noo. And please, don't get all thing about gender specific games, etc. Noo can play with dolls and dress up in girls' clothes if he pleases but that's not his thing. He loves
superheroes, modern art,
cars and cats. Oh, and playing ball. I've built Lego cars, Thomas track that would rival any father of young boys out there and seen all the Avengers movies tens of times. I am so happy to do boys things and Noo and I love hanging out but I do believe he needs positive male role models in his life.
I will always be Noo's mum but I can't be his a father too.
What I can do is strive to be the best parent I can be.
V.
