Trigger alert. For crisis support click here.
Yesterday marked four months since my first anxiety induced crying attack. Since then I've been on an emotional rollercoaster with way too many ups and downs at a speed even I didn't think I was capable of.
Tomorrow is the annual suicide awareness/prevention event known as RUOK? Day where people are encouraged to asked friends, family, colleagues, anyone if they are ok.
Last year I wrote about a time in my life when I was really not ok. Last year, as I typed up those words, I never thought I'd feel that kind of not ok again.
But here I am. Twelve months later and I have dipped back into that place. Well, I go in and out of the black hole. It's hard to explain.
I guess the difference between this depression and my 2007 depression is that now there's hope. Being a parent is what keeps me fighting. I'm also way more knowledgeable about depression and anxiety than I was back then. Six years of constant therapy has made sure of that. I know both those bitches lie. They make me feel and think things that aren't true and as convincing as they might be, it's hope (Noo) that keeps me from believing them.
Knowing the signs of when my mood started to change also allowed me to get help sooner. And I guess the spontaneous bursts of tears made it pretty bloody obvious something was not ok.
Having an excellent support network of family, friends and medical professionals is also critical. Just showing up to my psych appointments keeps me accountable. Like seeing a personal trainer for my emotions. Even if I don't work really hard during a session at least I'm there.
I know RUOK? Day has been getting a lot of flack because we should ask our friends, family, colleagues, anyone if they are ok every day of the year if the signs are looking like they are not. But I think RUOK? Day isn't about one day of the year, it's about general awareness of mental illness. It's about getting those crisis support numbers out in the media, and on posters in workplaces and schools, where maybe just one person notices them for the first time and thinks, hey, I could actually use a bit of help.
I really don't think people involved with this initiative will just switch off once the sun sets and the day is over. The conversation has been started and that's gotta be something. It sure beats silence. The more we talk about mental illness the more we will hopefully remove the stigma attached to it giving more people the courage to come out and seek help. And yeah, maybe even save a life.
Whether you've got a lifetime's history of mental illness like me, or you're having a really bad time for the first time, I think RUOK? Day has it's place.
I think we all like to feel supported on any day of the year.
So don't forget to ask: RU OK?
V.
For help please use these helpful resources:
Call: 1800 RUOKDAY (1800 7865 329) to connect with crisis line
Visit: your doctor, a counsellor or trusted healthcare professional
Access: ruokday.com for tips from their information partners
Lifeline 13 11 14
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Monday, September 9, 2013
Freedom
My inbox and social media news feeds have been awash with disappointed bloggers complaining about the new government that was elected by the overwhelming majority of Australians. I wonder if they had their posts drafted up last week, or maybe even last month? The writing has been on the wall for a very long time that change was about to happen so Saturday's result surely wasn't a surprise.
A well known blogger recently said on national television that, as bloggers, we have to have thick skins in order to deal with trolls and other nasty travellers on the information superhighway. Right now, my skin is paper thin. Look at me sideways and I'm likely to burst into tears. This is one of the reasons I've been avoiding my blog.
I want to write about the election like any of the other bloggers who shared their opinion with their readers but I'm scared. You see I sit on the other side of the fence to what feels like 100% of the Aussie mummy blogosphere. And going by some of the posts I've briefly scanned I'm a fucking uneducated idiot for being there.
Maybe my current depression is blindly throwing me on a blog suicide mission but what the hell. I voted for Tony Abbott and the Liberal Party team and I'm overwhelmed with joy that they won. Yep, I cried as Tony made his victory speech and they were tears of joy. Six long years of living through one of the most wasteful, shambolic and vindictive (and that was just to each other) governments finally came to an end on Saturday and I applaud the Australian people for making it happen.
I don't agree with all of Abbott's values particularly marriage equality. I believe love is love whether you're gay, straight, bi, transgender. I would march side by side with Labor voters, Green voters, anyone for the law to change and make marriage equal.
Anyway, I'm not going to nitpick over every single policy that I agree with or don't agree with. I'm not going to try and sway you (if any of you read this far down the page) to agree with what I believe. But I did just have to write and publish this. Because I'm entitled to my opinion too.
I'll leave you with this little note I typed up on my iPhone while catching the ferry to Manly a couple of weeks ago. Noo and I were sitting up the top of the ferry inside right at the front. I overheard two men unknown to one another talk about the upcoming election. This is a little of what they said:
Says it all really: You have the freedom to be pissed off at the change in government. I have the freedom to be stoked about it.
Let's agree to disagree and be happy neither one of us will be shot for saying what we believe.
V.
A well known blogger recently said on national television that, as bloggers, we have to have thick skins in order to deal with trolls and other nasty travellers on the information superhighway. Right now, my skin is paper thin. Look at me sideways and I'm likely to burst into tears. This is one of the reasons I've been avoiding my blog.
I want to write about the election like any of the other bloggers who shared their opinion with their readers but I'm scared. You see I sit on the other side of the fence to what feels like 100% of the Aussie mummy blogosphere. And going by some of the posts I've briefly scanned I'm a fucking uneducated idiot for being there.
Maybe my current depression is blindly throwing me on a blog suicide mission but what the hell. I voted for Tony Abbott and the Liberal Party team and I'm overwhelmed with joy that they won. Yep, I cried as Tony made his victory speech and they were tears of joy. Six long years of living through one of the most wasteful, shambolic and vindictive (and that was just to each other) governments finally came to an end on Saturday and I applaud the Australian people for making it happen.
I don't agree with all of Abbott's values particularly marriage equality. I believe love is love whether you're gay, straight, bi, transgender. I would march side by side with Labor voters, Green voters, anyone for the law to change and make marriage equal.
Anyway, I'm not going to nitpick over every single policy that I agree with or don't agree with. I'm not going to try and sway you (if any of you read this far down the page) to agree with what I believe. But I did just have to write and publish this. Because I'm entitled to my opinion too.
I'll leave you with this little note I typed up on my iPhone while catching the ferry to Manly a couple of weeks ago. Noo and I were sitting up the top of the ferry inside right at the front. I overheard two men unknown to one another talk about the upcoming election. This is a little of what they said:
"Australia is a great country", said the Chinese man to the bloke sitting next to him who later explained he was from Sri Lanka.
They don't know each other, they are just having a friendly chat while taking the ferry from Circular Quay to Manly on a stunning Spring day.
"We can call Kevin an idiot and it's ok. Not get in trouble like in China. We have freedom here."
"Yes, everyone wants freedom", replied the Sri Lankan.
Says it all really: You have the freedom to be pissed off at the change in government. I have the freedom to be stoked about it.
Let's agree to disagree and be happy neither one of us will be shot for saying what we believe.
V.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Busy bodies/healthy minds
It's been about two and a half weeks since I discharged myself from the psychiatric hospital where I was in being treated for depression. I thought I'd give you an update of how I am feeling and how Noo and I are getting on with our new regime. Writing it down helps me to consolidate and understand my feelings as well.
I am definitely a hell of a lot better than I was before going into hospital. The proof is in the fact that I'm not crying every day any more. Sometimes I can feel emotional tears start to well at the back of my eyes but they mostly quickly subside. I've been using mindfulness techniques to ground myself back into the moment rather than letting my mind go off in emotional tangents that just look for evidence of reasons to cry... if that makes any sense. I'm getting better at reigning those emotions in but they are still there.
Noo and I have been keeping super busy. In two and a half weeks we have been to Sydney Tower, Madam Tussauds, Wildlife Sydney, Manly Sea Life Sanctuary, the Powerhouse Museum, Darling Quarter Playground, and the Museum of Contemporary Art. The weather has been gorgeous which helps both my mood and my willingness to go outdoors.
Before I went into hospital I was so anxious about going out with Noo that the thought of it filled me with dread. I felt completely out of control of myself and of him. I wrote about my fear and sadness in late May which I just reread and it made me cry all over again. That post reminds me how lonely sole parenting can be, especially when I'm unwell.
I was so petrified I was going to breakdown in public in front of Noo. I felt so incredibly anxious all the time. I actually didn't realise just how anxious I was and how constant it was. It's like when you've had the radio on for ages and it's just off the station. The static becomes white noise because you've become so used to it. That is until someone moves the dial to the correct frequency and you can't believe the clarity of the sound. That's how I've felt for four months. Constantly off frequency with spurts of static so unbearable that I just want to throw the damn radio out the window.
But now, finally, Noo and I are back to being a partnership. Well, a partnership where one partner is more senior than the other, but a team of two nonetheless. The static is still there but it only comes in and out quietly, like my emotional aerial is blowing in the breeze and sometimes goes off station for a moment or two.
There's still a lot of work to do for my wellness and, of course, parenting is a job that never ends. I just have to be as strong and vigilant as I can to ensure I stay on top of my therapy and I keep up with our new routines in order to maintain a healthy, happy home for the both of us.
How are you feeling today?
V.
I am definitely a hell of a lot better than I was before going into hospital. The proof is in the fact that I'm not crying every day any more. Sometimes I can feel emotional tears start to well at the back of my eyes but they mostly quickly subside. I've been using mindfulness techniques to ground myself back into the moment rather than letting my mind go off in emotional tangents that just look for evidence of reasons to cry... if that makes any sense. I'm getting better at reigning those emotions in but they are still there.
Noo and I have been keeping super busy. In two and a half weeks we have been to Sydney Tower, Madam Tussauds, Wildlife Sydney, Manly Sea Life Sanctuary, the Powerhouse Museum, Darling Quarter Playground, and the Museum of Contemporary Art. The weather has been gorgeous which helps both my mood and my willingness to go outdoors.
Before I went into hospital I was so anxious about going out with Noo that the thought of it filled me with dread. I felt completely out of control of myself and of him. I wrote about my fear and sadness in late May which I just reread and it made me cry all over again. That post reminds me how lonely sole parenting can be, especially when I'm unwell.
I was so petrified I was going to breakdown in public in front of Noo. I felt so incredibly anxious all the time. I actually didn't realise just how anxious I was and how constant it was. It's like when you've had the radio on for ages and it's just off the station. The static becomes white noise because you've become so used to it. That is until someone moves the dial to the correct frequency and you can't believe the clarity of the sound. That's how I've felt for four months. Constantly off frequency with spurts of static so unbearable that I just want to throw the damn radio out the window.
But now, finally, Noo and I are back to being a partnership. Well, a partnership where one partner is more senior than the other, but a team of two nonetheless. The static is still there but it only comes in and out quietly, like my emotional aerial is blowing in the breeze and sometimes goes off station for a moment or two.
There's still a lot of work to do for my wellness and, of course, parenting is a job that never ends. I just have to be as strong and vigilant as I can to ensure I stay on top of my therapy and I keep up with our new routines in order to maintain a healthy, happy home for the both of us.
How are you feeling today?
V.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)