Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Let's get positive

Thank you everyone for your comments. This band stuff is so overwhelming sometimes and it is great to know that you guys are there reading. I'm sorry I haven't been over to your blogs for a while. I will get there as soon as my assignments have been handed in.

I suppose I should acknowledge my anonymous reader... I'm pretty sure I know who you are. Thanks for your kind words. I don't know how comfortable I am having my old world collide with my new one, but that is the nature of the internet. I am acutely aware that whatever I post on here is free for all to read and I guess that is part of the appeal, but it also poses as a potentially dangerous risk. I don't think the danger is with my past, but my future is where my fear lies. 

That's all I'm going to say on that.


After weeks of letting this bad feeling build up I finally let it all go yesterday. I had my appointment with the surgeon in the morning and it turns out that my band is in the right place and all is how it is suppose to be, except for my hunger, which he said I have to determine is real hunger or just head hunger. Fuck head hunger! I don't want any hunger. The doc gave me a slight fill, adding just 2/3 of the .1ml that was taken out last time but I wish I could supplement my band with an appetite suppressant that 1. worked; 2. was not addictive; and 3. was legal. All the ones I know of that meet requirement 1. definitely don't comply with requirement 2. or 3. and the ones that do comply with 2. and 3. definitely don't meet requirement 1. Get it?

So, yeah, yesterday I let it all go. On the phone to mum, as usual. Poor love. Burst my eyes out crying "I'm lonely, I'm fat, I'm over it, I'm hungry, I'm tired, I need help." Poor me. I cried for about an hour and then said fuck it to the uni work and made a cup of tea and sat in front of an episode of Big Love with a whole packet of Arnott's Venetian biscuits. I ate 12 biscuits one after the other. First binge in well over six months. About 700 calories worth in half an hour. 

After I felt relieved. It was out of my system. After the show I picked myself off the couch and went and picked up my boy from day care. It always bring a smile to my face to see those gorgeous blue eyes look up at me like I'm the most wonderful person in the world. And to him, I am!

So, positive thinking. Here are some good things things that have happened in recent weeks that I have not focused enough on:

1. My son is the most gorgeous little boy in the world, who loves me no matter what.

2. I got a Distinction for my very first uni assignment and a high Credit for my very first uni essay. Currently a Distinction overall for the subject.

3. I have lost 52% of my excess bodyweight since getting the lap-band on 6 September last year.

4. My BMI has dropped 4.4 points in six months and I am no longer in the obese category.

5. I bought a size 14 top last week in the 'normal' section at Myer. Actually in the 'youth' section. 

6. I started working. Wow. Just one day a week but I'm actually working in an office doing stuff using the skills I've learnt at TAFE and what I'm now learning at uni. But, really, I'm working! After three years off. This is a major breakthrough.

Noo and me playing on the floor Sunday arvo

Back to my assignment now. My next assignment is worth 35% of my overall score and I'm only halfway done and it is due Monday so I've got to get cracking. Will post again once it has been submitted.


Saturday, February 12, 2011

D O W N town

Warning: This is another depressing blog post with heavy swearing.

I am D O W N. And I hate it. I don't know what the fucking problem is. I'm eating too much, spending too much and not focusing enough on my studies. I hate to say it but I am L O N E L Y. I'm spelling it out rather than saying the word in full. Seems less real. 

My weight is not changing but why should it? I'm eating way too many calories every day and can't seem to get back that motivation I had at the start of this lap-band journey. I'm filled with my old sense of 'poor me I've had a bad day/hour/minute so I deserve that biscuit/ice cream/lolly'.

The weekends are the worst. Most of my friends are busy and my parents are away and basically I just hang out with Noo. I love my son, he is my world, but I need more adult company. I miss my mum staying down with us like she was at the end of last year. Things have changed and she is spending more time away with my dad, which is fair enough, but I miss her. I guess it is up to me to find my own partner now... but is the time right?

I put a ban on dating when I left Noo's father before Noo was even born. I promised myself I would stay out of the dating scene until I got myself together physically and emotionally. That was nearly three years ago! I also wanted to dedicate myself to raising Noo, with the help of my parents, without the distraction of a new man. But how do I know when I'm ready to get out there again? I thought being ready would mean having lost 30kg and being back at work, but those two things are taking much longer than I expected them too. I have started volunteering one day a week, working in an office, so that is one step forward. But my weight? FUCKING HELL! Just look at my blog's banner. I reached my last goal of 90kg on 15 November 2010. That was three months ago! And it is my six month bandiversary in a couple of weeks and I still haven't made it half way. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? Oh my god. I could cry.

I have got so much stuff to read and do for uni that I haven't had time to read other people's blogs. I've also just signed up for another two subjects next study period. Crikey! This always happens. I sign myself up to do lots and end up doing nothing. Well, not exactly nothing, but I feel overwhelmed. All I wanna do is lay on the couch and read novels or watch TV. I have such good TV to catch up on! Big Love, Californication, the last episode of 30 Rock season 5...

Has anyone tried hypnosis? Maybe I need to be hynotised and have someone reprogram me to get back on this diet. I so don't want to be a lap-band failure. I had the barium swallow on Wednesday. God, that was pretty disgusting. The actual taste wasn't so bad but the texture and thickness was vile. It was pretty cool though watching the screen as the xray showed the goo going down my throat and into my tummy. The radiologist said he couldn't see any problems with my band but I have to see my surgeon on Monday to find out for sure. I also have an appointment to see the dietitian. While I'm there I'm going to ask for an appointment with the psychologist. I need my head shrunk over this stalling in my motivation.

Something has to change.

Hope everyone else is doing better than me!


Sunday, February 6, 2011


Hello everyone

I haven't written in two weeks and just typing this now is a struggle. I've been really down about my band and haven't wanted to put it into words to be published but I think until I do, this feeling won't go away.

The last time I wrote was before Australia Day when I won a Stylish Blogger Award. That was two weeks ago when I was having trouble getting food down because my band was too tight. In that post I was hoping for a 1kg loss at my next weigh in. Well, when I weighed in on the Monday, after a couple of weeks of getting stuck, I gained! A whole kilo! I couldn't believe it. Having all that restriction and trouble eating and still I gained. I know the week before that I'd been doing that crazy diet of no dairy, no red meat, no carbs, but still. So I rang my surgeon and booked in for an unfill. No use in having all that uncomfortable tightness if it wasn't even helping me lose weight.

I went along to the clinic and my doctor was very nice about it all. He thought it strange though that I was having trouble getting food down, yet I was still hungry all the time. He took out .1ml and ordered a barium swallow, which I'm yet to do. He asked me if I was chewing properly. Was I waiting a full three minutes after the first bite before proceeding with subsequent mouthfuls which are to be taken at 30 seconds intervals? I said he hadn't mentioned the three minute rule for the first bite before, but I would try that in future. 

So since I've had the tiny .1ml of saline taken out, I'm eating much, much more easily. It was such a relief! I still have some restriction, but I'm able to eat a larger range of food and not having that stuck feeling in my chest is so good. I'm hungry a lot though which is not so good. I was hungry before the unfill anyway, so what can I say? I don't know why it is. Maybe the barium swallow will tell us something.

Basically I'm a bit disappointed. I thought having a lap-band would be a lot easier. Not easy, but not this hard. I thought I'd feel satisfied after about 1 to 1.5 cups of food and not need to eat in between meals. I knew I'd have to work at chewing and eating slowly and I'd still have to choose the right foods. I guess what I'm disappointed about is still having that hungry feeling that does me in every time.

I've only lost 1kg (2.2lb) since Christmas. What's not to be disappointed about? That is a crap result. I really thought I'd be down to 80kg, if not in the 70s by now. Urgh! Really disappointed. In myself and the band. I've really been self sabotaging this weekend too. I ate almost a whole packet of chocolate wafer biscuits yesterday. Not in one sitting, but gradually over the day. Noo had two, I ate the rest. Urgh! Plus I've had ice cream every night with a delicious berry crumble my mum made. So good, so bad. Urgh! 

I seriously need to get out of this band-funk. I need to find my motivation again and get off this plateau. I need energy and inspiration and motivation! I need my band to be my friend again and not my enemy.

This is not a great photo of me, but it shows how I feel. 

Tired, down and over it.

That is all for now. I'll try to blog more frequently. I'm so busy with uni that I'm finding it hard to find the motivation to write here as well as write all my stuff for school. 

I hope everyone else is in a better place than me right now.