I suppose I should acknowledge my anonymous reader... I'm pretty sure I know who you are. Thanks for your kind words. I don't know how comfortable I am having my old world collide with my new one, but that is the nature of the internet. I am acutely aware that whatever I post on here is free for all to read and I guess that is part of the appeal, but it also poses as a potentially dangerous risk. I don't think the danger is with my past, but my future is where my fear lies.
That's all I'm going to say on that.
After weeks of letting this bad feeling build up I finally let it all go yesterday. I had my appointment with the surgeon in the morning and it turns out that my band is in the right place and all is how it is suppose to be, except for my hunger, which he said I have to determine is real hunger or just head hunger. Fuck head hunger! I don't want any hunger. The doc gave me a slight fill, adding just 2/3 of the .1ml that was taken out last time but I wish I could supplement my band with an appetite suppressant that 1. worked; 2. was not addictive; and 3. was legal. All the ones I know of that meet requirement 1. definitely don't comply with requirement 2. or 3. and the ones that do comply with 2. and 3. definitely don't meet requirement 1. Get it?
So, yeah, yesterday I let it all go. On the phone to mum, as usual. Poor love. Burst my eyes out crying "I'm lonely, I'm fat, I'm over it, I'm hungry, I'm tired, I need help." Poor me. I cried for about an hour and then said fuck it to the uni work and made a cup of tea and sat in front of an episode of Big Love with a whole packet of Arnott's Venetian biscuits. I ate 12 biscuits one after the other. First binge in well over six months. About 700 calories worth in half an hour.
After I felt relieved. It was out of my system. After the show I picked myself off the couch and went and picked up my boy from day care. It always bring a smile to my face to see those gorgeous blue eyes look up at me like I'm the most wonderful person in the world. And to him, I am!
So, positive thinking. Here are some good things things that have happened in recent weeks that I have not focused enough on:
1. My son is the most gorgeous little boy in the world, who loves me no matter what.
2. I got a Distinction for my very first uni assignment and a high Credit for my very first uni essay. Currently a Distinction overall for the subject.
3. I have lost 52% of my excess bodyweight since getting the lap-band on 6 September last year.
4. My BMI has dropped 4.4 points in six months and I am no longer in the obese category.
5. I bought a size 14 top last week in the 'normal' section at Myer. Actually in the 'youth' section.
6. I started working. Wow. Just one day a week but I'm actually working in an office doing stuff using the skills I've learnt at TAFE and what I'm now learning at uni. But, really, I'm working! After three years off. This is a major breakthrough.
|Noo and me playing on the floor Sunday arvo|
Back to my assignment now. My next assignment is worth 35% of my overall score and I'm only halfway done and it is due Monday so I've got to get cracking. Will post again once it has been submitted.